20 years ago, The Onion ended 2004 with weed delivery

Plus, "The Phantom Of The Opera," privacy rights, Tom Hanks' latest movie, Scott Peterson, raspberry margaritas and much more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Dec. 22, 2004.

This was The Onion’s final new issue of 2004, as they took off the week between Christmas and New Year’s.

I started this project 5 years ago¹ to write something that wasn’t for work. Roughly 600,000 words and 800-1,000 hours later, I’m grateful that I stuck with it — and that so many of you have joined me along the way.

Next weekend, you’ll likely get a shorter newsletter previewing 2005 (here’s the 2004 preview for reference).

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 40, Issue 51, the 223rd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today. (I screwed those links up last week, but they’re fixed now.)

The front-page headline “U.S. Gripped By Y2K05 Fears” is no longer online. It's a simple, effective joke — and probably the last relevant moment to joke about Y2K.²

The front-page image comes from “Homeland Insecurity: The Onion Complete News Archives, Volume 17.”³

What was the top story, and other impressions?

The weed guy delivers holiday tidings.

“Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas” feels like a relic, but not in a bad way.

In late 2004, using marijuana was a risky endeavor, much less growing it. While numerous states legalized medical cannabis, none allowed recreational use. The federal government made no exceptions, with the Bush administration aggressively raiding and prosecuting marijuana growers and dispensaries.

Moreover, there was a Hollywood-influenced culture around weed, whether we’re talking about Cheech & Chong⁴ or contemporary films like “Half Baked,” “How High” and “Friday,” just to name a few.

The residents of Apt. 4-D celebrate Christmas together.

The Onion combines this cultural knowledge with the classic “____ saves Christmas” story structure (note the “Holiday Hope” label on the front page):

For although there would be no Yule log in the fireplace, a crackling blaze of another kind would come to warm the hearts of the hapless roommates. For, these four lucky friends had a guardian angel watching over them, and this is the heartwarming true story of how the weed delivery guy saved Christmas.

“Dude, I was so bummed when I found out my stupid supervisor scheduled me for first shift Christmas Eve,” said Patrick Moynihan, 26, a “part-time musician and full-time phone drone.” “I was like, ’Come on, I gotta go to Milwaukee to see my old man and watch the game.’ He was like, ’Sorry man, life’s rough. You should’ve remembered to ask off.’”

In what Moynihan calls “X-Files-type shit,” his 3 roommates also find themselves stuck in the apartment for Christmas. Worse still, their usual weed hookup, Carl, has left town. All seems lost, until …

“That’s when Jimmy—I think it was Jimmy. It could’ve been Kleist—wait, was it Jimmy or Kleist?” Moynihan said. “Aw, never mind—whoever it was looked up and said, ’Hey Dirk, why don’t we try the number that that guy who worked at Big Mike’s Subs gave you?’”

Note that everyone calls Jimmy “White Jimmy.” I also love the guys’ reactions in the 2 photos above.

The Onion closes this happy tale with a variation on an old chestnut:

It wasn’t long before all through the house, not a creature was stirring up off the couch. The boys opened the baggie and packed a bowl with delight, murmuring, “Happy Christmas, weed delivery guy. You did us one right.”

I’ve never partaken, so I’m no expert. But this article still works on multiple levels — human-interest story, classic Christmas tale, 2000s weed culture example and description of Madison, Wis., for 20- and 30-somethings in 2004.

Real-life people and events in December 2004

A scene from The Phantom Of The Opera, a movie incapacitating audiences nationwide.

You might know Emmy Rossum from “Shameless.” But she started as a 7-year-old opera singer and teen actress whose 1st lead role was the film version of “Phantom Of The Opera” with Gerard Butler.⁵

If the weed story hearkens to The Onion’s birthplace of Madison, Wis., then “Psychiatrists Treating Phantom Of The Opera Viewers For Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder” showcases The Onion’s adopted home of New York City. This is a Broadway tale through and through, even if it’s about the movie adaptation.

While “South Pacific” is blamed for the 1st cases of post-melodramatic stress disorder (PMSD),⁶ “Phantom” has gained particular ignominy:

“Those who have witnessed Phantom often tend to leave themselves open to additional emotional battery, whether in the form of another vapid musical or a book of heartwarming anecdotes,” [psychology professor Bill] Lambert said. “Programs that appear contrived to healthy people appear heartbreakingly sad to PMSD sufferers. They sometimes sit and stare at the Hallmark Channel for hours on end.”

Melodramatized moviegoers exit a theater in Chicago.

A victim, Leo Wilson of Boston, speaks out against the horrors, which include the song “Think Of Me” looping in his head:

“I don’t blame any one aspect of the melodrama—the shallow characters, the unbelievable swings in emotion, the repellent score,” Wilson said. “But I can’t help regretting that there was no absolutely redeeming value to this atrocity. We all suffered for nothing. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that a human being would perpetrate three such unconscionable acts upon another human.”

“No absolutely” is a transposing error, but you get the point.

Other real-life people and events in this issue include:

• “44 Suspicious Packages Detonated Under White House Christmas Tree”: Not the best Photoshopping ever, but an apt headline for the Global War on Terror era.

• “Outgoing HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson Caught With Briefcase Full Of Flu Vaccine”: As far as I can tell, this is the former Wisconsin governor’s final appearance in The Onion.

• “Actor Receives $25 Million For Everyman Role”: I can imagine Tom Hanks doing a Steven Spielberg movie named “Payne’s Pride.” In real life, Hanks’ next lead role was in 2006’s “The Da Vinci Code.”

• “Jury: Peterson Deserves Death”: The Onion concluded its Scott Peterson coverage by asking people about the jury recommending the death penalty.⁷ The answers are truncated on today’s website, so I’m also linking to the 2004 archive. My favorite answer is this:

  • "What am I supposed to tell my daughter when she asks, 'Why do exhaustively drawn-out things happen to bad people?'"

    Warren Jacobs • Ship Captain

Area People doing Area Things

Nancy and Valerie Guzman.

Before “negging” was a term, The Onion published “Area Daughter Belittled Out Of Concern.” And while the nagging, judgmental parent is a well-worn trope with many cultural versions, The Onion still tells a fun (or stress-inducing?) tale of holiday belittling:

Within the first hours of her daughter’s visit, Guzman attempted to help Nancy by noting that her job doesn’t pay enough and observing that her wardrobe is “scruffy.”

“You could be doing something better if you’d put your mind to it,” said Guzman, who is simply worried about her daughter’s future. “I have no idea why you stay at that place. You say you like it, but I’m concerned about how you manage to get by.”

Remember when bars still allowed smoking?

Nancy told her mother that she and Barbara would probably go out for drinks some night after everyone else had gone to bed.

“Well, don’t wear your nice clothes to the bars,” Guzman said helpfully. “You always reek of smoke after you go out with her. You don’t want to smell like an ashtray for brunch at your brother’s, do you?”

The daughter, Nancy, is still getting grief for her breakup roughly 18 months earlier. Worse still, she’s been conditioned to blame herself for pushing back on her mother’s criticism:

“Every once in awhile, I even blow up at Mom,” Nancy said. “Like, once, I told her that eyeliner doesn’t make me look like a hooker and that she shouldn’t talk to me that way. Well, after she ran to her room crying, I realized I shouldn’t have snapped at her.”

Yikes.

The American Privacy Rights Center in Washington, DC.

“Privacy Advocates Refuse To Release New Report” delights me for 2 reasons: The Onion debuting yet another fake advocacy group (the American Privacy Rights Center) and exposing how organizations encourage transparency in others but not for themselves.

The APRC is incensed about U.S. government overreach, including monitoring the communications of private citizens. Yet the group has its own secrets:

“The report contains 475 pages of information about the ways in which the impending overhaul of U.S. intelligence and law-enforcement agencies will violate the privacy of individuals,” APRC chief counsel and media director Michael Zeller said. “But it has a great deal of sensitive material that we’d rather not divulge. We feel it would be best to keep our findings safe from intruding eyes—government or otherwise.”

The Onion usually follows journalistic guidelines in “reporting” articles. But here, they betray a confidential source who discusses the real-life civil liberties board created by Congress:

“The board was meant to serve as a safeguard against government abuses, but as outlined in the bill, it would have no legal authority to challenge measures taken by the government against private citizens in the name of security,” said Julie Grafney, a privacy-rights lawyer who asked that her name not be used.

Meanwhile, the American Civil Liberties Union⁸ vows to use the Freedom of Information Act to expose the APRC’s report.

I’ve dinged The Onion for rarely discussing the Patriot Act. Here, they go after the other side — pointing out the hypocrisy of many good-governance advocates.

Other Area People items include:

• “Scientific Journal Releases List Of Year's Top 100 Compounds”: Unsurprising, H2O (water) wins. The other compounds mentioned are cane sugar, table salt, calcium carbonate and iron oxide.

• “Recently Mugged Friend A Racist All Of A Sudden”: There’s not much detail in this one, which is probably for the best.

• “Son Loved More Than Football, Less Than Playoff Football”: Hey, a sports mention! This is about a Philadelphia Eagles fan.

  • “Ferris said he has yet to form a plan for next month, when a playoff game overlaps with his son’s band concert.”

• “Secretary Cracks Under Administration Of Third Raspberry Margarita”: I’ve never had a raspberry margarita, much less 3. I love this little detail — an early Botox mention (and about a man!):

  • “Coworkers announced plans to re-administer margaritas at some point in the future, to coax Jorgenson into confirming their suspicions that their supervisor Jack Doogan gets Botox injections.”

Were the infographics good?

“Recalled Holiday Toys” is a tamer version of 2000’s “Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids.” But there are a lot of fun references, including Harvey Keitel, SpongeBob SquarePants (again!) and “Li’l Kinsey,” a children’s version of Alfred Kinsey.

I especially like “‘I’m An Eye Surgeon!’ Play Kit.”

“Why Did She Pack Up And Go?” is a solid front-page infographic. Most of these reasons are legitimate, even if “Missed Russia” is mostly for mail-order brides and secret spies.

What columnists ran?

No regular columnists this week, but we do have “Where Are Today's Mattress-Sales Visionaries?” the classic Very Important newspaper columnist with a niche interest.

Malcolm Farber equates “mattress salesman” with “loud guy in mattress commercials.” He’s not wrong (see this “Mattress Mack” ad from 1989):

Time was, mattress salesmen were touched by the holy fire. Loony Lenny the Mattress Czar, Crazy Mattress Benny, Wacky Willy the Spring King: These were the top men in the sleep game, and they neared the ineffable. Mad Dog Mike⁹ would get so deranged before a year-end closeout, he’d foam at the mouth. Back then, shoppers knew the mental shortcomings of the man on top meant big, big savings on Sealy, Simmons, Serta, and Stearns & Foster.

The industry today is too polite, too organized, too calm. Who wants an organized showroom when you could have this?

Man, pros like Loony Lenny would stand in front of a blue screen and make you truly believe they’d be mauled by giant apes if they didn’t sell every mattress in the store. When they got into a lab coat and commanded Pricezilla to crush that high mark-up, Pricezilla did as he was told.

Read the whole thing for the litany of names and promotions. “Institutionalized Wally’s Box-Spring Rebellion Sale-A-Bration” is very silly but not entirely implausible.

I’ve only purchased from a mattress store once — in late 2005 when I moved for my 1st full-time job. No one there was wacky or zany, although the store did close a year or two later.

Our other column is “My Beloved, Would You Do Me The Honor Of Becoming The Fourth Mrs. Charles Ballard?” My initial reaction was, “Is this guy a wife-killer or just really bad at marriage?”

Thankfully, it’s the latter. This guy is an oversharer, telling his beloved about his ex-wives’ faults, the honeymoon destinations he doesn’t want to revisit, the divorce settlements — and, oh yeah, the family situation:

I know you want to raise a family, and I can’t wait for you to meet Travis, Jason, Andrew, Mike, and Charles Jr. The boys are going to love you. And, my darling, as you know, one of the things I value most about our relationship is that we can be honest with each other. That’s why I feel comfortable telling you now that I had a vasectomy when I was 35. Patrice insisted on it.

I’m not sure the best way to propose is to discuss your previous failings, but what do I know?

Yup, I think I’ve seen just about every mistake a wife can make. And I’m better for it! Don’t you see? The path of marriage and divorce, marriage and divorce, marriage and divorce has led me to you, at last. And ending up with you has made the journey worth it.

So, Rachel Montesanto, will you make me the happiest man on earth and become Mrs. Charles Ballard numero quattro?

What was the best horoscope?

This week’s horoscopes have multiple cigarette jokes, but my favorite is Virgo:

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)

There's probably something in your life that can't be explained in a single-panel cartoon, but so far, those New Yorker guys have hit the nail on the head every time.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2004 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

For some reason, I’m drawn to “Where Are Today's Mattress-Sales Visionaries?” Maybe it’s because of the fake grandiosity, as if this were an op-ed in The New York Times or The Atlantic.

“Actor Receives $25 Million For Everyman Role” is pretty great, too, even if very few “Everyman” roles seem to exist nowadays.

What holds up worst?

The weed delivery joke is dated in some ways, but it still succeeds in being an off-brand Christmas fable.

“Outgoing HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson Caught With Briefcase Full Of Flu Vaccine” is about a guy few people remember. There’s also a partisan divide on flu shots in 2024.

What would be done differently today?

It’s interesting to see The Onion take a break from politics and the Iraq War.

To be fair, The Onion’s homepage as of Dec. 21, 2024, is mostly articles from the October print issue, old Christmas jokes and a newly relevant Mr. Beast article, since he has a TV show now.

Thank you

Grateful to have you here. Please continue to like, comment and share the newsletter so Substack recognizes it!

I don’t know what I expected when I started writing this newsletter. But it’s been a joy to work on, and I’m excited for the next 5 years.

That said, the job will only get harder, especially given The Onion’s mid-2005 web redesign that introduced online-only content. I’m a full-time freelancer, so I need to balance the work on this newsletter with, you know, paying work.

But for now, thank you again for reading this and supporting my work. I hope this brings some laughs and fun to your day.

1. The Jan. 19, 2020, review was essentially a test issue because I didn’t email it to subscribers — and wow, it looks like it! The 1st issue sent to subscribers was Jan. 26, 2000.

2. Y2K was a victim of its own success, with debate in recent years on the threat level.

3. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

4. Tommy Chong was among those prosecuted in the early 2000s.

5. She also had supporting roles in “Mystic River in 2003 and “The Day After Tomorrow” earlier in 2004.

6. I saw a high-school production of this play, but I don’t remember much. Perhaps for the best.

7. The death sentence was overturned more than 15 years(!) later.

8. The Onion’s famous “ACLU Defends Nazis' Right To Burn Down ACLU Headquarters” was based on a real-life 1977 incident.

9. Probably a coincidence, but the biggest sports-talk radio show in NYC at the time was WFAN’s “Mike and the Mad Dog.”