Are old Onion stories predicting the future or just lucky?
Let's revisit lots of old news about Snoop Dogg, the Iraq war buildup, coming out, the grocery store and a surprisingly good joke about Frank Gehry's architecture.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 9, 2002.
Happy to be sharing this newsletter, which I started to keep myself busy in January 2020 but has since been called by Scott Dikkers “the most thorough and baffling expression of obsessive Onion fandom I’ve yet seen.”
Also, last week’s issue generated a couple of insightful comments, including the temp whose real name was used by The Onion. Check those out.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 37, the 120th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.
The tragic “Daughter's Name Misspelled On Emergency-Room Form” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Is history cyclical? Maybe not, but it feels that way sometimes. This week’s issue has stories that feel relevant in 2022, but why? Are they truly timeless? Or is it just a coincidence that we’re talking about that topic now?
Let’s start with timeless. “Starving Third World Masses Warned Against Evils Of Contraception” illustrates a universal truth, at least when it comes to Catholic Church teachings. I know Pope Francis is considered somewhat liberal, but he’s not exactly handing out condoms.
The Onion is rarely subtle in its commentary on Catholicism, although it can light-hearted, such as 2001’s “Cardinals Blasted For Negative Campaign Tactics In Papal Race.”
The Church, especially in the early 2000s, faced hundreds, even thousands of cases where priests molested children. And so subtlety wouldn’t have made sense for The Onion here.
And that’s a good thing, because The Onion doesn’t hold much back. Missionary Christopher Halloran has worked hard on this pitch:
"God does not want you to choke the rivers of fertile bounty with immoral birth-control pills," continued Halloran, framed by a backdrop of brown, withered crops and skeletal, half-living farm animals. "He wants you to continue expanding your families. If your babies starve, Jesus will forgive them."
There’s also this great line: “Will you deny God's wisdom by using condoms, or will you shine in the divine light of unprotected sex?”
The Onion bases this story on World Childbirth Day, a fictional event supposedly created by Pope John Paul II. The message is delivered by Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua,1 who was very real. (Bevilacqua oversaw the Philadelphia archdiocese, so it’s unclear why he was in Sao Paolo, Brazil.) The cardinal notes that the natural rhythm method is available to the faithful, as are Catholic orphanages.
The Onion respects the Church’s influence enough to admit that its messaging is effective! Luis Ortiz of Bogota notes:
"Life in this shantytown is difficult, but our troubles are nothing compared to what we will face in the Lake Of Fire if we try to live within our means and regulate the number of offspring we produce, as Satan teaches."
20 years later, this story mostly holds up. The Church scandals were still unfolding in 2002, and frankly, they remain relevant today. The Onion feels a bit cavalier in declaring massive cities to be nothing but slums. That said, global poverty rates were much higher 20 years ago, and Sao Paolo’s slums were a recognized challenge.
20 years later: Prescient or not?
Sometimes The Onion really did call a trend. “The Preemptive-Strike Debate” asks people on the street what they think about the U.S. push to go to war with Iraq. And responses like this … well:
"Who's going to stop us, I ask you? The rest of the world? Excuse me while I laugh."
Eileen Stavros • Librarian
Sometimes, however, a joke is just a joke. But over time, it coincidentally gains prescience.
An example of this is “American People Shrug, Line Up For Fingerprinting,” which is a post-9/11, Patriot Act story. This seems like a powerful retort at government overreach, maybe even predicting today’s society where everything we do on our phones reveals who we are.
But The Onion didn’t mention the Patriot Act at all in 2001 or 2002! While there were stories about security theater and the U.S. government’s overreach, this feels like a topical joke but not a “we’re sending a message joke.” Maybe I’m wrong on this!
Similarly, “Defense Department Typo Results In U.S. Attack On Ira” could be read like a warning of law enforcement/government mistakes that imperil ordinary citizens. That’s fair. But in 2002, this article feels to me more like a MAD Magazine homage.
(I also love that the U.S. is only the 2nd military to accidentally attack dentist Ira Nussbaum.)
Another example is “Gambling-Addiction Study Gets Out Of Hand.” Gambling’s a common human problem, so this story would make sense in any era. It just feels even more relevant in 2022 given that online and sports gambling has exploded in recent years.
It’s a classic Onion “investigative” report, based somewhat on a real-life gambling research center at UNLV. Our plucky researchers have succumbed to the allure of gambling and the pursuit of getting lucky.
This is just fun. What a blast it must have been to write silliness like this:
Layton, who has been conducting research in the lab and the field since March 2001, is studying relapse rates in habituated long-term gamblers. He is aided in his research by colleagues Dr. Steven "Shooter" Ojeda, Dr. "Big" Arnold Stangel, and non-faculty laboratory assistant Fancy Nancy, who was enlisted in the belief that she might, for reasons unknown, have a favorable effect on results.
I mostly like the idea that researchers are classic gambling addicts: “There's something about a researcher that can't resist the long shots. Goes back to Skinner."
There’s also a mention of a researcher holding a CD-ROM full of data, because this is 2002.
On the other hand, some stories make no sense 20 years later. Last week, we read about Stephen King supposed 2000s retirement plan that didn’t happen. This week, we have the short-lived “Snoop Dogg Goes Clean.”
The Onion bears no blame here; it’s just making jokes about real-life news. And these Snoop jokes are fun! “Sipping on juice and juice” is obvious but had to be said. I also like the jokes about Habitrail, Willie Nelson and lower-back pain, among others.
I want to quickly mention 2 other stories in this category:
The front-page headline “Horatio Sanz Sweeps Latin Emmys” is a weird one. It’s a callout of Hollywood’s lack of diversity and opportunity, but it also implies that Horatio Sanz is the best Latino or Hispanic actor? He was never even the best performer on “Saturday Night Live”!
“Frank Gehry No Longer Allowed To Make Sandwiches For Grandkids” is a fun visual! It’s also accurate, as he’s been allowed to design weird buildings like this one in the past 20 years.
Area People doing Area Things
“Newly Out Gay Man Overdoing It” is definitely a story from 20 years ago. Maybe you could write this headline today, but the article would have a completely different context and audience.
I’m confused by the photo — is that a particularly “I’m a white gay guy in 2002” outfit? I also don’t love the photoshopping.
In February 2002, The Onion ran “Deaf Man's Deaf Friends Way Too Into Deaf Culture,” a tricky but worthy exploration of people who, perhaps, get too inside a bubble based on identity. This article is basically the same idea, except all the friends are talking about the one guy.
"We can't have a conversation without him mentioning some aspect of gay culture," Richter said. "No matter what it is—art, comedy, movies, restaurants, philosophy—he goes off on how it affects him as a gay man. Mark, we've accepted that you like the dick, so just shut up and be gay already."
I leave judgment up to y’all. This feels like a story that’s probably well-written for 2002, maybe even provocative, but 20 years later reads like it came out of a time capsule.
“Man Looks Forward To Coffee Date With Ex-Girlfriend All Week” has two of the least enthusiastic headshots I’ve ever seen in The Onion. Good job on that.
This reminds me of the 2001 article “Area Man Uses WTC Attack As Excuse To Call Ex-Girlfriend,” in which the guy is excited and the woman … not so much.
“I’d get home after work and find Kelly had returned my message, but then when I’d call her, she’d be out,” Friese said. “Somehow, she always called my work number after I’d already left. My cell number is the same as it’s always been, but I guess she lost it.”
Derek Friese is getting a haircut, cleaning his apartment, scouring the news for conversation topics — all for a quick coffee chat that, frankly, might not happen. It’s been 2 months since the breakup of a 3-year relationship! Calm down!
The Onion stays on the right side of making Friese overly hopeful, maybe a little lonely, and not quite a stalker. If you read these and feel attacked instead of laughing, maybe take some time to reflect.
Other Area People stories include:
“Affable Anti-Semite Thinks The Jews Are Doing Super Job With The Media”: Not a Kanye story. There is the line “Admittedly, they're not reporting on the Jewish stranglehold on world finance, but, hey, that's understandable."
“Captain's Hat Really Completes Street Lunatic's Ensemble”: I like that The Onion does more than just a cheap joke. The story quotes a real-life style critic from People (Steven Cojocaru) and a fictional one from GQ. The GQ writer says the street man looks like “a psychotic, profanity-spewing Alan Hale Jr.,” which makes more sense in an era where “Gilligan’s Island” had more living fans.
“New-Versus-Old Electric-Slide Confusion Blamed In Wedding-Reception Pileup”: This headline is too long and hyphenated for me. But the short article itself is well-written.
Were the infographics good?
“Top-Selling Executive Gifts” confused me because I wondered, “Who is buying these gifts?” But who care, because that image of the screw twisting into the stick figure is one of my favorite Onion infographic illustrations.
I also love “gold-plated clicky-clack ball thingy.” I don’t know what it’s called, either.
What columnists ran?
“Take Advantage Of Our Two-For-One Scott Tissue Special, For One Day We Will Die” is a good example of nihilism, and the setting of a grocery-store announcer is a good one. We all can imagine how repetitive and boring the job can be.
Look at that guy’s face! He’s been beaten down by the world.
Conan O’Brien talks sometimes on his podcast about just wanting to “get to the grave.” It’s partly joking, partly Irish Catholic serious, and this feels like a good ecumenical representation:
And don't miss our special offer on 12-packs of Budweiser beer for $6.99. You might as well take advantage. Who in this store would deny a helpless imbecile adrift in a cold, uncaring universe the chance to numb himself against the fickle whim of time and circumstance? It is all a rehearsal for the grave.
There’s just so much in this column. You’ll either love it or hate it. I most love this passage:
My father has been dead 12 years now. He used his last words to curse the gods for the cancer that had devoured his brain and his bones. Would he be pleased to know, more than a decade past his death, that 30-gallon Glad Bags were on sale for $2.69?
Finally, we all know this guy in “You Know, There Are Some Excellent Red Wines Coming Out Of Argentina vs. I Hate You, I Hate You, I Hate You.” The Onion’s Point/Counterpoint series is one of its great legacies, both for copying USA Today’s daily op-ed section and for the perverse silliness in The Onion’s version.
The guy talks about Argentina wines at length, mentions how the bad economy is a perfect time to stock up, and departs with this line: “Anyway, here's my card. Call me any time. I'm there all week, except when I'm on the boat.”
We learn from the counterpoint not only is this guy droning on about wine, but he’s also trying to flirt the entire time:
No, I'm not going to buy a case of anything, I'm just looking for a graceful way to get away from you. Where do you think you're putting your hand? Oh my God. He actually just did the invisible-lint thing. I don't think I've had a guy try that one on me since college.
Great Onion stories aren’t always pleasant reads.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Cancer, where The Onion turns a classic standardized-test problem into a joke.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will belatedly realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
What holds up best?
I wanted to say “nothing” as a joke, because all these stories feel so old. I really, really liked “Take Advantage Of Our Two-For-One Scott Tissue Special, For One Day We Will Die,” in part because I didn’t expect much from it. But it just goes on and on and on — in a good way, I think.
What holds up worst?
“Horatio Sanz Sweeps Latin Emmys” doesn’t really have any relevance today. And as just a headline, it’s not even a real commentary on Hollywood.
What would be done differently today?
I said that the story about the newly gay friend would have to be reimagined in 2022. Maybe the modern version of that is 2022’s “Disappointing Box Office Numbers For ‘Bros’ Force Biden To Ban Gay Marriage”? It is (loosely) the same topic, but with more celebrities and fewer fictional characters.
This week’s issue had lots of stories about celebrities and breaking news, which feels like the modern Onion. Those stories don’t always hold up as well 20 years later, but I guess that’s not the point!
Thank you
Today’s column published later than I intended. Sorry about that. We’ll be back next week with more news on the Iraq war buildup, mistresses, nannies, Nike’s marketing campaigns and Georgia banning math.
Bevilacqua helped cover up numerous incidents of priests accused of sexual abuse crimes, so The Onion also — accidentally — picked a deserving target.
I believe what they're referring to with the clicky clacky thingy is a Newton's Cradle: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newton's_cradle