The Onion turned Pope John Paul II into a butterfly 20 years ago

Still mourning the pope! Plus, Johnny Depp, dowries, TV shows on DVD, fifth-grade science papers and much more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit April 20, 2005.

Happy Easter! In 2005, Easter occurred in March, but Catholicism remained front and center due to the death of Pope John Paul II.

Plus, let’s revisit Johnny Depp’s early-career TV show and such mid-2000s hot topics as tasers and TV shows on DVD.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 16, the 238th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005, 2015 and today.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.¹

The front-page headline “Greasy Spoon Has Crusty Forks” is no longer online.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

John Paul II flits above Vatican City hours after leaving his chrysalis

“Pope Emerges From Chrysalis A Beautiful Butterfly” was briefly meant to be the lead story of the previous week’s issue, as Editor-in-Chief Carol Kolb² suggested it the day after the staff decided on “Heaven Less Opulent Than Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope.”

This late change did not go over well. As St. Petersburg Times reporter Bill Adair wrote in 2005:

Hanson says the butterfly chart should not be the Onion's main statement on the pope's death. Kolb counters that their mission is to be funny, not make a statement. She tells Hanson that if he wants to make statements, maybe he should work for the liberal magazine The Nation.

The other writers are annoyed at Hanson — they frequently roll their eyes when he talks — but several say he has a point. They don't think the butterfly graphic should be their main story in the next issue.

Miffed, Kolb steps to the board, erases her butterfly headline and replaces it with, "Heaven Not As Opulent As Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope."

Everyone calms down, another family feud settled.

The pope’s chrysalis

I’m no expert on the transformation of silkworm larvae to butterflies, but The Onion’s John Krewson did his homework!

Roughly two weeks ago, as the pope’s metabolism began slowing, John Paul II’s attendants reported that the pontiff’s outer skin was hardening and becoming more opaque. Despite his weakened condition, His Holiness began to eat his own weight in mulberry leaves every day, storing up energy for his astonishing transformation.

This transformation isn’t always successful, with Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor saying that Pope John Paul I didn’t make it.

The Onion creates a theology around the butterfly pontiff, noting that he flies around the city with 9-foot wings, lays eggs, “is no longer a sentient, thinking being” and will die within a few days.

After watching “Conclave,” perhaps this is a better way to select a pope!

The College of Cardinals said the pope’s eggs—which the pontiff immediately began to release from his ovipositor and attach to various architectural features around Rome with a cement-like secretion discharged from his distended mandibles—have hatched, and from the larva, the next Successor of the Prince of the Apostles has been chosen.

Catholics cavort in St. Peter's square last week.

The period between popes is a bit weird; it feels like no one is in charge despite the Church’s massive bureaucracy. “Papal Election Brings End To Worldwide Unsupervised-Catholic Sin Binge” runs with this unsettled feeling, almost like “The Purge” for debauchery and lasciviousness.

Carl Whitestone, an 82-year-old lifelong Catholic from Beaver Dam, WI said he experienced a similar sense of freedom.

“When I heard the pope was dead, the first thing I thought about, besides how much the great man will be missed, was the big bloody steak I was going to eat on Friday,” said Whitestone. “When the pope was alive, I never would’ve thought of flouting the 1917 Pio-Benedictine Code Of Canon Law.³ But once he was out of the picture, I immediately bore false witness against my neighbor. And then I coveted his wife.”

A Boston-area drugstore sees a sharp rise in condom sales after the pope's death.

The Onion quotes Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, who complains that “Catholics were thinking impure thoughts, manipulating their own genitals, and acting as if homosexuality was no big deal.”

Ratzinger was selected as pope on April 19, 2005 — too late for this print edition.

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The Onion also published an online-only slideshow of its best Pope John Paul II coverage, titled “A Pope Remembered.” The current website’s version is broken, which I can understand. That slideshow must have undergone many reconstructions over the past 20 years.

You can view the slideshow properly at the 2005 archived version. Each photo referenced an accompanying article that can be located today by googling the headline — save one.

The famous “Pope Calls For Greater Understanding Between Catholics, Hellbound” from January 1998⁴ has disappeared from The Onion’s website. Fortunately, many versions of it exist on Internet Archive, which is what I’ve linked to above.

Hey, it’s 2005!

I used to have a section called “Hey, it’s [Year!]” to highlight something quintessential to that era — for example, Beanie Babies in the late 1990s.

This week, we have a few topics that feel extremely mid-2000s.

I miss the era of “TV Shows On DVD,” especially those with extra features and commentary tracks.⁵ Sadly, this era was surprisingly brief, much like the “TV shows on iTunes” era.

A few notes:

• “The OC” was a phenomenon for the right age group. I remember people getting together my senior year of college for watch parties. A friend wrote a column in the school paper about binge-watching Season 1 on DVD before Season 2 began (fortunately for all of us, I don’t have the physical copy, and Loyola doesn’t even own the URL anymore).

• “As Scientologist, was forced by church to preorder ‘Fat Actress’” references Kirstie Alley.

• “Can project back-to-back West Wing episodes onto wall, pretend you work for President Bartlet”: I liked “The West Wing,” but not the people who acted like it was a documentary.

Other jokes epitomizing 2005 include:

• “New Tech-Support Caste Arises In India” reflects Big Tech’s outsourcing of customer support to India. I distinctly remember a college roommate struggling for hours with Dell’s customer support in ~2004. That same year, Conan O’Brien sent show writer Andy Blitz to India to visit IT support in person. The joke itself isn’t particularly original, and ultimately, India ended up outsourcing tech CEOs to America.

• “Are Tasers Safe?” reflects an Amnesty International report of deaths allegedly caused by Tasers, which received media coverage from the Wall Street Journal and others. The Onion asks people for their reaction, with my favorite response citing a 1990s fad:

  “I only hope this controversy doesn’t affect my soon-to-be-launched national family-fun franchise, Taser Tag.”

  Sam Williamson • Sheet-Metal Worker

Area People doing Area Things

Potter and her sketch.

“Police Sketch Artist Likes How Portrait Of Serial Rapist Turned Out” shows that you can love your work so much that you lose sight of its purpose.

Birmingham, Ala., Officer Lynn Marie Potter wants to be a famous sketch artist, so much so that the victims and the criminals become an afterthought:

Potter called her previous drawings “competent, but flat.”

“The others were void of personality,” Potter said. “But this drawing makes you think, ’I know this guy. My God, maybe he’s in my neighborhood right now.’ It makes you want to lock your doors.”

Added Potter: “I think I’ll ask to keep the original of this one and get it framed.”

Fortunately, the victim agrees that Potter got the description just right. Potter isn’t rooting for her colleagues to arrest the man, however:

Although a successful police sketch often hastens a suspect’s capture, Potter admitted that some part of her hopes that the suspect rapes enough women to attract wider public attention.

This is also an art parody, with Potter’s boss lamenting the loss of “the robust expressionism of her early period,” likening it to Lucian Freud.

There’s been debate over the years about when and how to tell rape jokes, but Washington City Paper said this was a top 5 Onion rape joke in 2009, so … success?

A final note: The Onion’s website in 2005 (and today) displays these images as 1 file, with Potter’s photo above the sketch. But on the front page of the April 20, 2005, newspaper, the images are side by side.

Top: Fifth-grade panel members express disapproval of Nogroski's paper. Below: Nogroski in the school library, where he will revisit his research.

“Fifth-Grade Science Paper Doesn't Stand Up To Peer Review” is a fun idea on its own merits and, accidentally, is more relevant today as peer review’s shortcomings come to light.⁶

1st of all, what a bad-ass photo of those kids. I love the contrast between them and Michael Nogroski. The reviewers are dressed up in red, almost to illustrate marking up Nogroski’s paper with red pens. Nogroski, meanwhile, is chilling in his jean jacket because he’s a child, not a scientist.

Also, the peer reviewers do not like otters:

Members of the three-person panel had many concerns about Nogroski’s work, foremost among them their belief that the fifth-grader did not substantiate his thesis. Two panel members even suggested that Nogroski’s thesis was erroneous.

“Otters are not interesting!” 10-year-old peer examiner Jonathan Glass said.

“Otters are so boring, I fell asleep for a thousand years and woke up with a long beard covered in ice,” LaMott said. “I had to defrost myself.”

Nogroski’s research is haphazard, and his writing has no attention span. For example, he asks, “How do otters survive?” but doesn’t answer the question:

“He didn’t even say how they survive,” Glass said. “He was just like, ’Otters are about one to 1.2 meters long. Otters’ whiskers are about three inches long.’”

“I know!” Swain said. “It’s like, ’Hey Mike, how do sea otters survive?’ ’Dur. I’m Mike. Sea otters survive by being one meter long.’”

“Hey Mike,” LaMott added. “What do sea otters eat? ’Dur, I’m Mike. Sea otters have whiskers that are three inches long. Also, I don’t bathe and my jacket is acid-washed.’”

“His mom drives a Honda,” Glass added.

As we can see, there’s some bullying mixed in with the peer review.

I feel bad for Nogroski. He’s struggling, and teacher Stella Murchinson knows that, but she suggests nothing can be done because he’s from a broken home.

Other Area People jokes in this issue include:

• “Office Manager Forced To Resort To Unfriendly Reminders”: Any old co-workers reading this will remember Barbara’s office signage, but she never used blood, just strongly worded emails and printouts.

• “Dreamcatcher On Rearview Mirror Protects Sleeping Driver”: I guess self-driving cars could make this possible someday!

• “Another Comedian Ruined By Parenthood”: I like that The Onion’s fictional comic, Ed Corgi, has a sitcom in development called “Grape Juice” — it’s a great companion to September 2004’s “Comedian Given Sitcom Out Of Pity.”

• “Study: 80 Percent Of All Hermits Recovering From Broken Hearts”: I’m not sure why this joke works, but I laughed. I wonder whether this joke would work with younger and/or non-American audiences — like, is there a cultural foundation required?

• “Losing-Powerball-Numbers Announcement Enters 17th Hour”: Love this type of silliness.

• “Sports Fan Thinks He May Have Torn Rotator Cuff”: The mention of Wade Miller is great — he tore his rotator cuff in 2004 and wouldn’t make his comeback until May 2005 with Boston, where this fan lives.

Were the infographics good?

“Fondest U.S. Memories” is a nice twist on American nostalgia.

“23% Last episode of M*A*S*H / VE Day (tie)” is a great era-specific joke. The “M*A*S*H” finale remains the highest-rated episode of a scripted series, with 30-second commercials costing more than the Super Bowl that year!

Here’s the full text of the 3rd Lincoln-Douglas debate.

What columnists ran?

“Aw, Who'm I Kidding… I'll Never Top 21 Jump Street” is Johnny Depp exaggerating the cultural impact of the TV show “21 Jump Street” and downplaying his film career, including “Pirates of the Caribbean,” “Edward Scissorhands” and “Donnie Brasco.”

Also, I forgot Depp had this look, which is … I don’t know, professor about to be fired for sleeping with students? The “nerd” character in a CBS crime procedural?

The column opens with Depp pondering the script for “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly,” a movie he later dropped out of. He has a realization — all his movie successes, all the makeup and prosthetics, they mean nothing next to the importance of “21 Jump Street”:

Ah, the heady early years of the Fox network. The executives were hungry, motivated, and willing to try anything. A young Stephen J. Cannell, 21 Jump Street’s creator, had the world on a string. My future seemed assured as well, but little did I know how disappointing it would prove to be. Cannell went on to produce Booker, Silk Stalkings, and The Commish, and where did I end up? Aimlessly wandering from one project to another and sitting around the Viper Room with a “Wino Forever” tattoo.

The Viper Room is a club Depp once co-owned, although he yielded his stake in 2004, a few years after his business partner disappeared.

I know Depp’s had a wild 20 years since this. But I don’t think it affects this column either way. The idea that Depp views “21 Jump Street” as his shining achievement is a great premise, then and now.

Also, one final note: Depp quotes the show’s theme song, which I didn’t realize Holly Robinson Peete sang! I mostly know her from “Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper.”

Our other column is “Sir Charles Barlow Is Interested Only In Your Dowry,” in which Dorcas Walpole informs Lydia Covington, her younger sister and Barlow’s fiancée, that he “is nothing more than a base cad and a scoundrel!”

As you might have guessed, this column is not set in the present day. Hence, so many of the vocabulary choices:

When Sir Charles arrived, Lydia, he was accompanied by a shocking entourage of assorted reprobates, including a fire-eater, a mulatto fortune-teller, a chimney-sweep, a village idiot, a cardinal, several snuff-addicts, and a mischievous Barbary ape who broke into the larder and tossed fistfuls of flour hither and thither. Worse still, Sir Charles had the temerity to wear a most immodest silken waistcoat of stripes of alternating chartreuse and scarlet.

Worse still, Barlow has squandered almost all of his inheritance and seeks to marry Lydia for her family’s wealth. Lydia, understandably, swoons at this news and must be helped to her four-poster bed.

The Onion throws in some proto-”Handmaid’s Tale” lamenting at the end:

One day, perhaps, we women will enjoy a more independent status and will no longer be so preoccupied with marrying well, or marrying at all. But that will not occur for another two centuries or so. Oh! What am I saying? It will take far more time than that.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Cancer for this very sad commentary on humanity:

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Although circumstances will force you to take a menial job requiring a nametag, it will not lead to anyone knowing your name.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

I really enjoy “Fifth-Grade Science Paper Doesn't Stand Up To Peer Review” and think it holds up.

I also think the pope coverage is strong, although we don’t have an obvious comparison point, as no other pope has died in office during The Onion’s existence.

What holds up worst?

“New Tech-Support Caste Arises In India” made more sense in 2005 than in 2025.

Same with the “TV Shows On DVD,” although it’s still a funny look at media consumption in the mid-2000s.

What would be done differently today?

Back in 2005, The Onion could cover the pope’s death for 3 weeks straight. Nowadays, they’d probably move on within a few days, checking back in occasionally. Perhaps the new monthly print edition would take up the mantle.

The Onion’s coverage of Johnny Depp has become increasingly absurd in the past 15 years — sometimes because of his legal battles, but often because of his fashion sense and working relationship with Tim Buton, such as the November 2005 radio joke “Johnny Depp's Indentured Servitude To Tim Burton Ends” or the 2013 video “Johnny Depp Now Completely Made Of Scarves And Bracelets.”

Thank you

Thank you all for reading, commenting and sharing this newsletter! It’s a joy to deliver this each week — even though I know it’s very long!

Next week, let’s revisit U.S. foreign policy, inventions, “Family Feud” feuds, Rep. Tom DeLay and the return of Onion columnist Herbert Kornfeld. See you then!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. For more on Kolb’s reign and sense of humor, here’s a remembrance from 2015.

3. The 1917 Code was abrogated in 1983, for what it’s worth.

4. Perhaps understandably, some Catholics didn’t think The Onion’s coverage was funny, with a few critics citing this article.

5. The commentary tracks on “Newsradio,” for example, are both informative and gossipy as hell.

6. This Onion article is also cited in a roundup of peer review criticism from 2015.