The Onion visited Pope John Paul II in Heaven

Also, Rep. Tom DeLay, the Minutemen (well, a version of them), fixed-rate mortgages, living wills, the inner city and Jim Anchower.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit April 13, 2005.

I spent time this week at my Jesuit alma mater, where I visited the college newspaper office for the first time in almost 20 years. Coincidentally, the newspaper office was where I learned of Pope John Paul II’s death in early April 2005.

Last week, we explored The Onion’s web-only reaction to the pope’s death. This week, we see the print version.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 15, the 237th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005, 2015 and today.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.¹

The front-page headline “Bystander Stops To Watch Incompetent Parallel-Park Job” is no longer online. This headline is timeless, as countless Instagram and TikTok videos of terrible parallel parkers exist.

Today’s website is missing a few elements from most issues we review, including:

• Photo captions on long-form articles.

• Horoscope labels.

• Certain responses in the “American Voices” feature — usually, if there’s italicized text or an em dash.

(These minor problems emerged from the 2024 website redesign, which is a vast improvement overall.)

What was the top story, and other impressions?

St. Peter's Basilica, with its 90-foot bronze baldachin designed by Bernini, is one of the many Vatican splendors no longer enjoyed by Pope John Paul II.

“Heaven Less Opulent Than Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope” was the brainchild of Editor-In-Chief Carol Kolb, according to a newspaper profile from 2005.

This is a standard news story with one peculiar trait: The dateline is “Heaven,” with The Onion visiting the pope in his new home. Unfortunately, Heaven doesn’t live up to the Book of Revelations, much less St. Peter’s Basilica:

“Where are all the marble statues, sterling-silver chalices, and gem-encrusted scepters?” the visibly disappointed pope asked. “Where are the 60-foot-tall stained-glass windows and hand-painted cupolas? Where are the elaborately outfitted ranks of Swiss Guards? Why isn’t every single surface gilded? This is my eternal reward?”

…

If I’d known heaven was going to be like this, I would’ve taken one last tour through my 50 rooms of velvet-draped thrones and priceless oil paintings before saying ’Amen’ and breathing my last.”

The pope is also disappointed that no one bows before him or kisses his ring.

Pope John Paul II

This photo is almost certainly real — it’s very similar to Pope Benedict XVI lying in state a few years ago.

An artist's depiction of a disappointingly austere heaven.

I love this artist’s depiction of Heaven, which surely would have been difficult for John Paul II to walk up.

This is a solid story — making fun of the pope and the Church while respecting the office. After all, The Onion’s reporter visited Heaven, which means Catholicism is true!

Page 2 of The Onion’s print edition for April 13, 2005

Page 2 of the print edition was filled with additional reactions to the pope’s death:

• “Pope John Paul II, Longtime Owner Of Popemobile, Dead At 84”: The Popemobile was pretty fun to see as a kid, even if it was made necessary by the 1981 assassination attempt. Also, The Onion quotes real-life Road & Track writer Peter Egan.

• “Pope-Killing Virus Claims Yet Another Victim”: Very stupid, but I like Italy having a Center for Papal Disease Control.

• “Papal Apartments Found Filled With Old Newspapers, Empty Pill Bottles, Mangy Cats”: A generic hoarder joke, although I like the mention of World War II-era “Pope Pius XII, who hoarded tin foil and back issues of Catholic Digest.”

• Finally, the horoscopes include this papal reference:

  • Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
    You'll feel dishonored and shunned when thousands of mourners pass by your dead body on their way to honor the pope.

Eating healthy

The 2000s saw a backlash against fast-food companies like McDonald’s, as we’ve covered numerous times. This was also an era of pharmaceutical scandals in the 1990s and early 2000s, including fen-phen, olestra and “COX-2 Inhibitors” like Vioxx.

This week’s coverage is much less serious, as “French's Introduces Antibacterial Mustard” is a brilliant satire of product marketing. Note the claim that this mustard“kills over 99.99% of harmful germs” and the endorsement by a survey of moms:

According to French’s representative Darla Nelson, the new hypoallergenic mustard complements the company’s expanding line—which includes French’s Honey Dijon Mustard and French’s Sweet & Tangy Honey Mustard—and kills over 99.99% of harmful germs.

The mustard is orange in color, more translucent than the traditional varieties, and somewhat medicinal in flavor. In product trials performed by French’s, mothers preferred antibacterial mustard five to one when informed of its sterilizing properties.

The potential downside? Drug-resistant bacteria:

“But widespread antibacterial sandwich-spread use will likely result in the formation of a strain of ham- and cheese-originated, drug-resistant bacteria. These ‘superlunchbugs’ will be more deadly than any bacteria we see today. For lunches prepared or packed for healthy family members, regular household mustard is strong enough. And it tastes a lot less like iodine.”

Is antibacterial mustard a plausible product? Maybe not, but the Saskatchewan Mustard Development Commission's "Spread The Mustard" webpage does tout mustard’s “natural antimicrobial properties.”

The Onion on politics

This issue has no mention of President George W. Bush or the Iraq war, but there are a few political mentions of note:

“The Minutemen”: I have no memory of this specific group, but it’s in a long line of quasi-militias looking to safeguard the U.S. — in this case, the Arizona-Mexico border. Notably, the Minutemen emerged during a Republican administration and were criticized by Bush in March 2005.²

These jokes could have been perfunctory, but they’re often quite clever, such as the deer-hunting joke or this, which reads like an introduction to a logic puzzle:

“Hank patrols Monday; Don on Tuesday; Don, Chuck, and Mitch on Wednesday; Hank, Don, and Mitch on Thursday; Chuck, Don, and Rhonda on Friday; and everybody on Saturday—except Hank, who still hates Chuck for shooting his dog.”

The most timeless joke, if not the laugh-out-loud funniest, might be “Providing unappealing example of what Americans are like, in order to discourage people from wanting to come here.”

Other political jokes include:

• “DEA Seizes Half-Built Suspension Bridge From Bogotá To Miami”: Not the most impressive Photoshopping ever. This is the 2nd straight week mentioning the Drug Enforcement Administration, following April 6, 2005’s “What Are We Writing Off?”

• “Embattled Tom Delay”: The Onion asked people about the House majority leader’s controversies, which included House ethics investigations and an eventual indictment for campaign finance crimes.³ Separately, DeLay aides were implicated in the Jack Abramoff scandal. I love this response because, somehow, Kid Rock has become politically relevant:

  • “I’m telling you, if Tom DeLay would come out and say, ’Screw it, I’m just in it for the cash and the bitches,’ his popularity would skyrocket. At the very least, he’d be in a Kid Rock video.”

    Tanya Wilkinson • Lab Assistant

Area People doing Area Things

“Cost Of Living Now Outweighs Benefits” highlights a few Onion habits from 20+ years ago:

• Satirizing news stories centered on (fictional) lobbying groups or government agencies. In this case, the Federal Consumer Quality-Of-Life Control Board and the Maynard Institute.

• A logo to illustrate the topic, as if this is a long-running investigative series.

• The recognition that people are delusional in their nostalgia.

• A little bit of Gen X cynicism.

Gulfport, MS resident Stan Holiday weighs the cost of living against life's benefits.

The Federal Consumer Quality-Of-Life Control Board says there’s statistical proof that life isn’t worth living!

You could insert this paragraph into a real op-ed in 2025, and nobody would blink:

“Rising energy costs, increased prices on everyday goods and services, and the decreased value of the dollar have combined to drive the cost of living in this country to an all-time high,” Farness said. “At the same time, an ever-increasing need for additional emotional-energy output, low rates of interest in one another, and the decreasing value of ourselves all greatly exceed our fleeting epiphanies.”

While this article’s obsession with inflation⁴ seems on brand in 2025, this worry about overpopulation seems mistaken:

“The fact is, the supply of Americans greatly outstrips demand,” said Evan Alvi of the Portland-based Maynard Institute. “Americans seem to believe that minting more lives will increase the value of their own holdings. All they are doing, though, is inflating the supply and reducing the dividends paid by long-term familial bonds.”

The Onion closes this story by joking about suicide as if it were your portfolio:

Despite life’s depreciating value, Alvi did not recommend that shareholders divest themselves of their holdings.

“Limited dumping could result in a short-term increase in available resources for those who remain in the market,” Alvi said. “However, it’s a risky move that could affect perception of value, leading to mass divesture.”

Alvi added, “And let’s not fail to mention that some religious experts say there are penalties for early withdrawal.”

Left: A local resident posts a sign in hopes someone has seen Patterson. Right: Milo Patterson.

“Inner-City Community Bands Together To Find Missing Parent” is set in Detroit with this premise: Whenever an inner-city dad disappears, it’s not because they walked out, but rather because they were kidnapped.

Neighbors are helping with the search effort, as are the local church and even the Detroit police:

“First place we checked was the Velvet Room over on Sunset,” said longtime Delray resident Alfredrick Brussard. “But the bartender said he hadn’t seen Milo all week. Then we went over to the Checker Bar & Grill, where he likes to go for happy hour, and his friend Art’s apartment, where he watches the games.”

“We also sent a search party down to the Freddy’s Towing parking lot and around by those picnic tables in Lincoln Park,” Brussard continued. “Well, there wasn’t any trace of him anywhere. It’s like he vanished into thin air.”⁵

The Onion clearly put effort into this joke, especially with the “missing persons” signs seen in the photo. But does it successfully answer the question “Who’s being made fun of?”

I think The Onion wants to mock all Americans for failing to create and sustain our communities — and for assuming missing dads are always deadbeats. But to do this, The Onion has to embrace class and racial stereotypes about the inner city, urban crime and broken homes.

It’s an open question whether that trick works.

If nothing else, the 2005 article is less direct than, say, 1996’s “Inner Cities To Receive Soothing Heroin” or 1998’s “CIA Unveils New Ghetto Drugs For '98,” which clearly satirize the 1980s crack cocaine epidemic and the federal government’s rumored involvement.

Our only other Area People feature this week is the front-page headline “Inside: Spring Fashions So Glamorous You'll Practically Shit Yourself.”⁶

This joke predates The Onion’s parodies of the New York Times and Parade magazines, as seen in the mid-2010s book “The Onion Magazine: The Iconic Covers that Transformed an Undeserving World.”

Were the infographics good?

“Most Confusing Washing Instructions” is a fun infographic where the jokes kinda feel like Yoda riddles. Notably, “clemerforate” is not a word.

The Onion also published a list of tips for “Preparing A Living Will.” These include jokes about lawyers, zombies, feeding tubes and more.

These lists are rarely topical, but there is a Terri Schiavo joke:

If, in the event of a catastrophic brain injury, you wish to be taken off life support and kept out of the guardianship of your overprotective Catholic parents, underline those directives over and over with a thick red pen and then highlight them in bright yellow.

This joke reminds me of September 2004’s “Trapped Miner Wishes He Could See The Coverage,” in which the miner wonders which photo of him will appear on TV:

Leave at least one reasonably flattering photo for the press. This point cannot be emphasized enough.

What columnists ran?

My initial reaction to “I'm Not Locked Into This 5.75% 30-Year F.R.M. With You, —You're Locked Into This 5.75% 30-Year F.R.M. With Me” was to wonder where you can get a 5.75% mortgage rate these days!

We join Jerome Martelli as he’s signing the contract. And while you might think he’s surrendered his leverage to the bank — or “Mister Banker Man” — Martelli wouldn’t agree:

I’m not like those other loan applicants that sit at your feet, sniveling and begging for money. I’m loco. I don’t give a fuck. Look into my eyes and tell me what you see. Yeah, I’m one crazy, money-borrowing son of a bitch.

He threatens to skip some payments and pay 5 times too much in other months. And should the bank ding his credit score, “I’m coming down on you harder than a ton of bricks.”

I love that Martelli stands up for himself. But maybe he should have done that before signing the contract.

Our other columnist is someone who will never own a home, Jim Anchower. In his latest column, “I Gotta Get Out More Often,” Anchower is unhappy about the unpredictable spring weather and refuses to change the alternator belt he complained about in January 2005’s “Junk Yardin.’”

Anchower’s big Friday plan is to watch “Dude, Where’s My Car?” once his friend Ron stops by. Well, things don’t go to plan:

I picked up a case of beer and kicked back with Eight Simple Rules, JAG, and a 20/20 episode about some guy that killed his wife for the insurance money.

But so, it’s 10:00 p.m. by now, and I’m sitting at my house with no Ron. I was a little pissed off and a lot baked. Here I was, making an effort to not watch Dude, Where’s My Car?, and Ron was taking his own sweet.

Eventually, Anchower puts on the movie, and that’s when Ron walks in — with another dude and 2 women from The Gamey Doe,⁷ which upsets Anchower. To be fair, one woman throws up, and the other engages in sex acts on the couch.

I’m more worried about Anchower’s mental health:

I should keep people out of my apartment unless I know they’re cool. I don’t much like cleaning up the puke of someone I don’t even know. But I guess I need to get out of the house unless I want to sit here alone. I definitely will as soon as it warms up more. This “being a shut-in” stuff sorta sucks.

What was the best horoscope?

There are many good horoscopes this week, including references to the late Dave Dudley, bears and a personal trainer’s “Maze Of Fitness Or Death.” But my favorite is Capricorn, simply because it’s such a goofy-ass political joke:

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
The rash of burning-dogshit incidents in your neighborhood will finally end this weekend, when D.C. police formally issue a cease-and-desist order to that prankster Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“Heaven Less Opulent Than Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope” might be about a specific pope, but you could re-run this headline every time a pope dies.

As mentioned, “Bystander Stops To Watch Incompetent Parallel-Park Job” is brilliant.

What holds up worst?

I thought “DEA Seizes Half-Built Suspension Bridge From Bogotá To Miami” was an admirable swing and a miss.

What would be done differently today?

Over the decades, The Onion has understandably shifted from a “local newspaper parody” focus to more of a “react to national news” focus. And so 2005’s “Bystander Stops To Watch Incompetent Parallel-Park Job” becomes 2025’s “Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death.”

Would “Inner-City Community Bands Together To Find Missing Parent” run today? I suspect not. “Inner city” as a phrase feels slightly outdated and/or Fox News vocab, depending on your perspective.

Thank you

Thank you all for your continued support, whether that’s reading, commenting or sharing this newsletter. As always, let me know what I missed or what else I should investigate.

Next week, even more coverage of Pope John Paul II! Plus, police sketch artists, scientific peer review, Johnny Depp and much more. See you then!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. Minutemen co-founder Jim Gilchrist won over 25% of the vote as a 3rd-party candidate in a House special election in December 2005.

3. DeLay was convicted in 2010, although a Texas appeals court overturned the sentence in 2013.

4. The Consumer Price Index did spike to 3.4% in 2005, the highest in 5 years.

5. For what it’s worth, while the Checker Bar probably refers to this establishment, I don’t think the other businesses were real. And Lincoln Park is a nearby city.

6. The photo is from an Oct. 26, 2004, fashion show in California.

7. This local bar is also mentioned in Anchower columns from 1996, 2007 and 2008.