20 years ago, The Onion spoofed the kid from the Encyclopedia Britannica commercial

We also have an Area Man whose pop culture references end in 1988, Iraq war satire, columnist and lover Smoove B's return, and much more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit June 11, 2003.

I turn 40 next month, and I worry that “Area Man's Pop-Culture References Stop At 1988” applies to me. I’m also thrilled to talk about our columnists — the great Smoove B and a 1980s reference that truly shocked me.

Plus, we have the Iraq war, which is always light-hearted and uncontroversial.

If you’re new, please sign up for the weekly email!

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 39, Issue 22, the 150th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today.

The front-page headlines “Child In Stroller Stares At Man In Wheelchair” and “Date Reeks Of Febreeze” are no longer online. The 1st isn’t super-funny but is timeless; the 2nd misspells Febreze.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Gen. Franks tells reporters, "It's time for me to see what I can destroy on my own."

“Gen. Tommy Franks Quits Army To Pursue Solo Bombing Projects” is our 1st big Iraq war story in a few issues. This one is based on real-life events. Gen. Tommy Franks oversaw the Iraq invasion but retired from the U.S. Army on July 1, 2003.

This story feels a little jumbled. It’s supposed to be about Franks as a rock star quitting the band to go solo, but the 1st half also reads like Franks is a frustrated corporate executive who quits to become an entrepreneur.

For instance, Franks believes he’s earned the right to choose his assignments:

"If I want to send a division of jet fighters to Iran, you'd think, after all the years I've been doing this, that I could simply make that decision," Franks told reporters during a CentCom press briefing in February. "But it's not like that."

Franks rocks Baghdad during the recent Operation Iraqi Freedom tour.

There’s also the emphasis on bombing and CNN, which feels like a rewritten Persian Gulf war story. Hence, the CNN quote that tries to bridge the 2 worlds:

"Franks says he quit, but I think that's bullshit," said CNN Pentagon correspondent James Washburn. "He got kicked out. Why else would he be leaving the best military in the entire world right after their triumphant Middle East tour?"

I do like that Franks cites Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf as an inspiration, even though his solo career didn’t go well.

Anyways, this story didn’t quite connect with me. Maybe I should have spotted the rock 'n' roll connection sooner.

I do love this final quote that sums it all up:

"He wasn't flashy, but he was the backbone of that group," said Marty Nevins of Valdosta, GA. "No one will ever forget that moment when he decided to launch a massive ground assault on Baghdad rather than engage in a prolonged air campaign. That's just good old-fashioned, meat-and-potatoes invading. None of this fancy shock-and-awe shit. They can bring in somebody else, but I don't think that group's gonna be the same with a new frontman."

We’re also at that stage of the Iraq war where people realized there weren’t weapons of mass destruction — at the least, not to the extent promised. “Exaggerating The WMD Threat” examines the other U.S. claims now under suspicion.

I like this approach better than some wonky analysis of the WMD case itself. Let “The Daily Show” do that. I want The Onion’s stupid jokes about the 1960s TV show “Get Smart,” Saddam Hussein having a store receipt for WMDs and “Pearl Harbor actually attacked by Iraqis.”

My favorite joke changes every time I read this, but “Saddam planning to raise U.S. taxes” is making me laugh as I write this.

Marchand, who says his all-time favorite TV show is “Cheers; the Diane years.”

“Area Man's Pop-Culture References Stop At 1988” is a timeless Onion story, despite the year, because we all lose touch with the zeitgeist as we age.¹

Even my favorite people to read, listen to or watch inevitably have a sweet spot for references — usually the things they consumed before they were 30 or 35. Spotify did an informal study that set this age at 33 for music — “For the average listener, by their mid-30s, their tastes have matured, and they are who they’re going to be,” the study said.

For 37-year-old Scott Marchand of Flagstaff, Ariz., this stagnation happened in his early 20s, when he graduated college and got married. Marchand’s mastery of all things pre-1988 spans TV shows, movies, music and catchphrases. But then … he loves U2, but has no knowledge of “Achtung Baby.” He has 2 children, yet he gets his 11-year-old son “Pac-Man” instead of “Grand Theft Auto.”

“It’s strange,” said longtime friend Rob Petrakis, 36. “Whenever he quotes lines from his favorite movies—Caddyshack, Wall Street, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, Top Gun—it’s never anything that came out after 1988. It’s always ‘I feel the need for speed,’ or ‘Greed is good,’ or ‘Those aren’t pillows!’

Because this article is from 2003, even its description of Marchand’s pop-culture isolation feels dated. Notice the lack of internet here:

Marchand is not without access to current pop culture. On his way to work, he passes billboards touting the latest movies and albums. Many of his real-estate coworkers are twentysomethings whose desks are well within earshot of his. His children talk about their favorite television shows at the dinner table.

Marchand’s wife, Eileen, has a great quote:

“To him, it’s like the Church Lady² and Moonlighting are the pinnacle of Western civilization.”³

The only defense I’ll give of Marchand is that those initial post-college years are tough for balancing work and pop culture. I know more pop culture from my late 20s, when I worked regular hours in a big city, than my early to mid-20s, when I worked evenings at a newspaper in a small town.

Let’s envision this story in 2023, where a 37-year-old’s references stopped in 2008. The only advantage 2023 Area Man has is that everything’s been rebooted! So if your references included “Top Gun,” “Sex and the City,” “Gilmore Girls,” “Full House” or countless other TV shows and movies, they’ve all come back in the past 10-12 years!

The 2023 version might also reference things like Nelly Furtado and Michael Phelps, saying “Yes We Can” or doing Sarah Palin and Heath Ledger-as-Joker impressions. What else am I missing from the mid-Aughts?

Random asides

A couple of items in this issue don’t fit neatly into a category, like “Refrigerator Wins American Appliance,” which is an excellent Photoshop. The refrigerator is the best appliance — essential, reliable, always working.

A topical news item in this issue is “The Partial-Birth Abortion Ban.” The House passed a bill that eventually became law and was upheld by the Supreme Court. These are fine, but it’s not the easiest topic to joke about.

The Onion, just like in the WMD infographic, throws a jab at Republicans’ supposed economic focus:

"This should kickstart the economy."

Donna Lund • Physical Therapist

Area People doing Area Things

The unopened box set.

“Five-Disc Jazz Anthology Still Unopened” satirizes the gulf between our cultural aspirations and our actual behaviors.

Marc Bergkamp purchased this real-life Ken Burns-curated jazz set in July 2001 after deep contemplation — “after watching a portion of an episode of the 10-part, 19-hour Ken Burns Jazz documentary on PBS.”

I love how The Onion illustrates Bergkamp’s sense of obligation — guilt, almost — about educating himself on jazz.

Continued Bergkamp: "Even though I haven't cracked it open, I've looked over the list of artists included. It seems like there are some pretty big names on there, people I should really try to force myself to know."

Jazz isn’t being mocked here; we are. After all, Bergkamp can talk about expanding his horizons and becoming a mature adult all he wants, but there’s another reason he’s suddenly into jazz music:

“Next time there's some chick I want to score with, I'm sure the box set will do the trick, but I really should take off the shrink wrap before I bring her home. I don't want it to look like I bought it just to impress her."

Rogowski and the 1990 Subaru mocked by Stefano (top) and Banks (bottom).

“Troubled Teens Mock Social Worker's Car” is predictably set in Chicago, where teens mock social worker Gary Rogowski’s 1990 Subaru Loyale station wagon.

This poor social worker: His last car was stolen, and then Chicago cut his salary by 15%. Plus, these teens deliver lines like they’re standup comics:

"Last week, Mr. Rogowski was all up in my face about how I got to go to the job center," said Manny Acevedo, 18, who has struggled with substance abuse for more than three years. "I told him I didn't have no ride, so he says he'll drive me himself, and about an hour later, he shows up in the sorriest car I ever seen. Me and my sisters, we was laughing our asses off as he pull up. I was like, 'Why don't you go to the job center, Mr. Career Advice Man? 'Cause with that car, it's pretty obvious you ain't getting paid.'"

That’s just one of the many biting insults.

I also like The Onion’s propensity for quoting a social scientist. In this case, it’s Dr. Jeremy Gottlieb, author of the fictional “The Bling-Bling Factor: How Society Teaches Disadvantaged Kids To Value Instant Gratification Over Substantive Values.” What a title.

Other Area People stories include:

• “New Lover Features 30 Percent More Cock”: Yup, that’s a headline. Sadly (or mercifully?), there’s no article, just the photo.

• “Graduation Party More Lucrative Than Planned Future Career”: Shocking to see being a school psychologist in 2003 might only pay $17,000!

• “MC Serch Updates List Of Gas-Face Recipients”: Never heard of him. Apparently, MC Serch was in a band called 3rd Bass, and “Gas Face” was their big song. This list of updated targets is wonderfully eclectic:

  • "Osama bin Laden... gets the gas face," MC Serch, flanked by Prime Minister Pete Nice, told reporters. "Bill O'Reilly, shut the fuck up! Gas face!" Also included on MC Serch's newly revised Gas Face list were Scott Peterson, U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), and Grand Puba.

• “Bakery's Closing Nets Man Ton Of Free Éclairs”: The Onion clarifies that the eclairs weighed closer to 9 pounds than a literal ton.

• “Cameraman Finds Sole Black Person In Studio Audience”: Feels all too real, although setting it in Nebraska mollifies it slightly, I suppose. The morning show is fictional, as far as I can tell.

• “Man In Bar Makes General Inquiry About The Ladies” makes me laugh. Shockingly, “I hope they're not all uptight and stuck-up” didn’t work as an icebreaker.

Were the infographics good?

“How Are We Complicating The Lives Of Our Newborn Twins?” is fascinating because half the jokes either became true (the “Full House” one) or reflected real-life problems (“Getting them an agent,” the illustration showing how parents favor one child over the other).

Also, for at least the 5th time doing this newsletter, there’s an Anne Geddes joke in The Onion.

What columnists ran?

I expected ‘Remember Me? I'm That Kid Who Had A Report Due On Space” to be a kid who didn’t do his homework and is trying to wing it during class. Nope, it’s based on an actual Encyclopedia Britannica commercial from the 1980s.⁴

This blew my mind. Like, it changed the entire trajectory of this week’s newsletter.

My family had an old encyclopedia collection in the late 1980s, and we bought a gigantic one-volume encyclopedia in 1991 or 1992. I remember it had a timeline of significant U.S. events in the back, and one of the last entries was “Rap music.” So it’s not like I don’t understand the premise!

Anyways, this poor guy’s life goes terribly in The Onion, mostly because of a drinking problem hiding in plain sight. He partied his way out of college and stopped getting recognized (and receiving free drinks) for his Britannica fame. He’s also divorced.

My favorite running joke is that he literally had the encyclopedias for years but never used them:

Sorry to go off on that tangent there. Long story short, I ended up dropping out of college after three semesters. It was too bad, because I had those encyclopedias, and they would've been a really good resource for reports on Napoleon or mitosis or the migratory patterns of birds or whatever. But, like I said, college just wasn't for me.

Thankfully, the real-life Donavan Freberg appears to be doing OK as a professional photographer.

“Let Smoove Rock Your Body And World” is the return of Smoove B, Cincinnati’s greatest lover of fine dining, furnishings and ladies. As usual, Smoove is elaborate in his seduction techniques and his explanation of them.

This time, it’s a new woman. No word on what happened to his previous lover or lovers:

I know we have known each other for only two weeks, but I already know you are the girl for me. You are the only one I want to laugh with, talk with, and grind on the dance floor with. You are the only one I want to ride.

Lots of things going on in that paragraph.

Usually, Smoove begins with the preparations — the lead-up to the date, the dinner, the smooth-talking. This column reverses the order and starts with dancing at the club. Overall, Smoove is focused on what he calls “bringing you to a state of freakstasy”:

First, I will pick you up from your house in a white limousine and take you to the finest dance club in the entire city. The people at this club will be attractive and the beats will be crazy. We will not be in the club for a minute before we get on the dance floor. Even though the other people will be good dancers, we will be the best. When you bump, I will bump. When you grind, I will grind. We will move together like twins who happen to like to freak.

“Twins who happen to like to freak.” The Smoove vibe is different in this one. Wow.

He also has a polar-bear-skin rug. Is that even legal?

As always, Smoove walks through the night’s activities and eventually gets to the next day’s breakfast. I’m left wondering how many jams he has and how much they cost:

If you want toast, I will make it for you and offer you a staggering array of exotic French jams.

Smoove isn’t for everyone, but he’s a unique, dedicated and goofy Onion character. There’s no one like him.

What was the best horoscope?

This week’s horoscopes have intriguing jokes about “Hogan’s Family” star Sandy Duncan, the damage you’ve caused to Tulsa, Okla., and flaming corn dogs raining down from the sky. That said, my favorite is Sagittarius:

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

This week's smorgasbord of nudity and bullfighting will erase all remaining doubts about your ability to be a network TV programmer.

I also want to mention Virgo because it’s somehow the 3rd(!) mention of twins in this Onion issue:

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.

What holds up best?

I love “Area Man's Pop-Culture References Stop At 1988.” It’s fun, funny and hits at something deep in our culture and how we age, even if you had to rewrite it every few years.

I also think “Bakery's Closing Nets Man Ton Of Free Éclairs” could run in 2023 without changes.

What holds up worst?

“MC Serch Updates List Of Gas-Face Recipients” was probably an archaic reference in 2003!

What would be done differently today?

“Five-Disc Jazz Anthology Still Unopened” would be tougher today because the article relies on going to Tower Records and buying a CD box set. It’s harder to make jokes about someone’s jazz playlist on Spotify.

In the social worker story, The Onion’s fictional expert has this line that hasn’t aged well in multiple ways: “Music videos and magazines teach them that to get respect, you have to be a 'playa.’”

Thank you

Next week, we look back at some timeless stories about avoiding fights with your family, the difference between Father’s Day and Mother’s Day, and a college radio DJ that feels like the inspiration for Ted Mosby’s “Doctor X” persona in “How I Met Your Mother.” (Apparently my pop culture references end in the late 2000s?)

Thanks for being here. See you next week!

1. Alternatively, you become that weirdo who’s too into pop culture, or you’re an actual gossip columnist.

2. Dana Carvey, bless him, also seems stuck in 1988 based on his celebrity impressions.

3. The 1st 2.5 seasons of “Moonlighting” are weird but very watchable. Most of the episodes can be found here.

4. You can’t get Encyclopedia Britannica in print anymore, but you can still get the World Book Encyclopedia!