The Onion featured Barack Obama for the 1st time 20 years ago

Plus, President Bush's identity is stolen! The Onion also covers Amtrak, the unspeakable happening, "The Simple Life" and more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit May 4, 2005.

Today, we’re revisiting such mid-2000s trends as the U.S. Mint’s commemorative coins program and the “The Simple Life” — and what I believe is the 1st appearance of then-Sen. Barack Obama.

ICMYI:

• The Onion introduced a homepage newswire, which is fun. It also accidentally broke the display of old infographics. Websites are tough, especially when you’re jury-rigging a 20-year-old site.

• I wrote about The Onion’s history of tariffs before Trump, simply because I was curious!

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 18, the 240th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005, 2015 and today.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.¹

The front-page headline “‘Well, Someone’s Gotta Play Oboe,’ Screams Frustrated Band Teacher” is no longer online. This joke was a New Yorker crossword clue in 2023 even though the headline in question hadn’t been online for ~10 years.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Bush examines his credit-card statements.

Identity theft is a centuries-old art, but it spiked with the rise of the World Wide Web. The New York Times wrote about this problem as early as 2000. By 2004, Congress passed a law toughening criminal penalties, with one identity thief receiving 14 years in prison in early 2005.

“Arizona Man Steals Bush's Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President” acknowledges these fears while portraying President George W. Bush as the latest victim. Of course, when you steal the president’s ID, you get more than just credit card data:

“This is incredibly frustrating,” Bush told reporters Tuesday. “Not only does this guy have my credit-card information, he has my Social Security number, all my personal information, and the launch codes for a number of ballistic intercontinental nuclear missiles. I almost don’t want to think about it.”

This is the 2nd time Bush has failed to safeguard nuclear launch codes, following August 2004’s “CIA Asks Bush To Discontinue Blog.”²

Close examination of this photo of President Bush’s April 16 address to the White House press corps reveals an imposter FBI authorities believe may be the elusive identity thief H4xX0r1337.

This article is interesting to revisit because almost any discussion of technology will feel dated years later, with rare exceptions.³ For example, usernames like “H4xX0r1337” and “HotGrrrl69” feel like the mid-2000s or even late 1990s. That’s OK!

On the other hand, identity theft remains a huge issue, so you could easily imagine The Onion doing this joke differently across eras — think telemarketers in the early 1990s, the 2020 Twitter hack, or AI-influenced cybercrime today.

A few other notes:

• Bush doesn’t remember vetoing the Digital Media Consumers’ Rights Act of 2005, a real bill that didn’t pass Congress.

• Bush is scammed by a Hotmail user pretending to conduct PayPal security measures. This scam was still being run in 2021!

• Bush realizes he’s been scammed when Mexican President Vicente Fox thanks him for a good meeting. This references a March 2005 meeting between the leaders.

• Bush thanks “Debrina at Bank One” for her help. Bank One merged with JP Morgan Chase in July 2004, but many branches retained the branding well into 2006.

Fore and an assistant unveil the Kent County penny, which boasts a nod to the cinder-block factory.

Most Onion readers in 2005 would have readily recognized the satire in “U.S. Mint Gears Up To Issue Commemorative County Pennies.” The U.S. was several years into the state quarters program, which received lots of attention and even late-night mockery.

Today, fewer people use cash, much less coins — and the penny might be gone soon! But while this article might be less relevant today, it’s such a fun read.

Based on the state quarters program’s success, real-life Mint Director Henrietta Holsman Fore intends to honor all 3,143 U.S. counties:⁴

“We’re encouraging counties, especially those beyond the first 50 or so, to think creatively to find a truly unique representative icon for their penny,” Fore said. “Water towers—along with mountains, covered bridges, and lighthouses—will be among the first images to get snapped up. We’ll need to see some shoe factories and cell-phone towers, too.”

You can tell The Onion enjoyed coming up with counties and landmarks, such as:

• The water tower in Ypsilanti, Mich. (Washtenaw County)

• Richland County, Wis., where one resident is wary of defaulting to the county’s famous rock formation

I also liked how the folders for this coin collection will be 8 feet by 35 feet and sold at Walgreens.

And I learned a new word — “numismatics,” or the study or collection of currency, particularly coins:

“You have to keep your eye on the big picture—this is about Americans connecting with America through numismatics,” Fore said. “Don’t count the penny out so fast. This may be just the thing to get people excited about the penny all over again.”

Later in Bush’s 2nd term, Congress extended this program to include Washington, D.C., and U.S. overseas territories, as well as natural/historic sites.

More politics and government in The Onion

The front-page headline “Democratic Senator Strides Down Corridors Of Powerlessness” feels equally relevant in 2025. But the true stunner is who’s depicted: 1st-term senator and future President Barack Obama!

Obama being the “random Democrat” in this photo and then winning the next presidential election shows how unpredictable politics can be, even if he was a rising star after the 2004 convention speech.

The Onion doesn’t mention Obama by name, I believe, until September 2005’s “Bill Introduced As Joke Signed Into Law.”

“Improving Amtrak” is near and dear to my heart as someone who’s used Amtrak regularly for roughly 25 years, initially to go back and forth from Connecticut to college in Baltimore, and now to visit home from D.C.

Editor’s note: Many infographics aren’t displaying correctly on the Onion website since the recent update. If you click on the “Improving Amtrak” link and get a cropped infographic, you can select “Open Image in New Tab” (right-click and select on desktop; press on the image till the menu appears on mobile), or you can view the 2005 archive.

That said, Amtrak has many critics, and not always undeservedly! In late April 2005, brake issues forced the temporary withdrawal of all Acela trains.

I love these jokes, including:

• “Reminding Americans that making the trains run on time is the first step on the road to fascism.”

• “Persuading suburban commuters to use rail service by showing them what a Metroliner can do to an SUV.” This joke requires knowing that the Metroliner was Acela’s predecessor and ended service in 2006.

• “Improving brakes on Acela trains; improving engines on Decela trains.” What a lovely dumb joke.

The other political item in this issue is “Women On The Front Line,” which reflects servicewomen finding themselves under fire in Iraq despite not technically being in combat roles.

The Onion asks people about this. The responses run the gamut, from referencing the servicewomen at Abu Ghraib⁵ to the embarrassment of losing your legs in front of your crush. My favorite answer is this one:

“If you ask me, it’s about time America’s proud and deadly fighting women were put in the damn military.”

Al Trevino • Nurse

The last answer is cut off because of an italicized word; it’s reproduced below, and you can view it on the 2005 archive:

“To their commanders, front-line soldiers are nothing more than objects, warm bodies, pieces of meat. Women should certainly be used to that.”

Joy Woodard • Homemaker

Channeling The Onion’s earliest days

Townspeople comfort each other at the scene of the event.

I’ve been enjoying Christine Wenc’s book about the history of The Onion, including the differences between the early Onion (roughly 1989-1995) versus the version we’ve long known — a complete satire of newspapers, including hard news stories written in AP style.

By contrast, “Unspeakable Happens In Area Town: 'Oh God, No!' Say Onlookers” reminds me of an earlier, zanier version of The Onion a la 1989’s “Dead Guy Found,” 1991’s “Run For Your Lives!” or 1994’s “Cat Loose In City,” to name just a few. (View those front pages here!)

This article is also notable for The Onion’s occasional use of double-decker headlines to convey a massive front-page story.⁶ Unfortunately, most of those subheadlines (in this case, “‘Oh God, No!’ Say Onlookers”) no longer appear on The Onion’s website.

This is a shame, especially here — “Unspeakable Happens In Area Town” has a very different feel without the subhead.

The other thing I appreciate is that The Onion never tells you what happened — every person they quote is obviously in the midst of trauma, often trailing off. It’s as if the 9/11 issue didn’t reference 9/11:

“I’ve seen a lot of things in my years on the force,” Muntoth said. “But I’m still trying to get my mind around this unthinkable tragedy. We had a train derailment a few years ago that I thought was incomprehensible. But this—I… I can’t even begin to… No. I just… It… Excuse me.”

Area People doing Area Things

Left: Canton at the MSNBC studio where he failed to make the cut. Right: Self-proclaimed nuclear expert Skip Hammond.

“Actual Expert Too Boring For TV” is an all-too-true story of how TV shows, especially cable news, would prefer telegenic people who don’t make viewers think too hard.

MIT professor and nuclear energy expert Dr. Gary Canton really knows his stuff. But he’s short, balding, not terribly attractive and also boring. These are too many problems for MSNBC producer Cal Salters:

“I tried to lead him in the right direction. I told him to address the fears that the average citizen might have about nuclear power, but he still utterly failed to mention meltdowns, radiation, or mushroom clouds.”

“I’m sure he knows what he’s talking about,” Salters added. “But we have a responsibility to educate and entertain our viewers. In the end, we had to go with someone else.”

Thankfully, Skip Hammond is tall, has great hair, was a former football player and knows how to give talking points. Plus, he has an aggressive book title: “Imprison The Sun: America’s Coming Nuclear-Power Holocaust.”

To be fair, Hammond makes nuclear disaster sound exciting:

“Clouds of radiation, glowing rivers, a hole reaching to the earth’s core—that’s what we’re facing, ” Hammond continued. “Death of one in four Americans! Count off, everyone: one, two, three, you. Millions of people gone. And no one’s even mentioned terrorism yet. You have to wonder why not.”

Sometimes, all The Onion has to do is point out an obvious, messed-up truth. This is one of those times.⁷

Other Area People jokes in this issue include:

• “Bachelorette Party Saved By Actual Firemen”: I’m surprised this joke went unused for so long!

• “Report: U.S. Leads World In Lost Sunglasses”: I love the invention of the Bureau of Accessory Statistics. Also, Americans lose 6 times as many sunglasses as Italians do — and 37.5 times as many as the Portuguese.

• “Replacement Socialite Cunt Sought For Simple Life Cast”: I think reality TV is one of the most destructive forces in our culture — a true evil — and even I’m stunned at this headline. The article is even more NSFW.⁸

• “Man With Dream To Open Liquor Store Achieves Dream”: The Onion mocks this limited ambition even while acknowledging the work of starting a business:

  • “It was a lot of hard work applying for the loan, getting a lease, and working out the distribution, but I did it!”

• “Drive-Time Commute Jam-Packed With Entertainment”: The Onion imagines drivers being as excited for drive-time radio as the radio hosts are.

• “Rapidly Swelling Man May Contain Traces Of Peanuts”: Everyone at this Thai restaurant observes, yet no one helps!

Were the infographics good?

“Who Are We Giving Up For Dead?” is a solid front-page infographic.

I wasn’t familiar with John Gielgud, a British actor who was the 4th person to achieve the EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony). He died in 2000 at age 96.

What columnists ran?

Let’s start with the pleasant column.

“Ask A 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book” is The Onion’s version of an advice column where the advice-giver doesn’t answer the questions. For example, when a letter-writer asks about reclaiming a wedding gift for a couple that broke up, 7-year-old Danny Geppert replies:

Dear Unsure,

Mom! Mom! Where are you? Mom! Oh, there you are. Hey Mom, after Cub Scouts, me and Spencer and Spencer’s dad stopped at the mall and we went to Waldenbooks and I bought a book with my own money! It’s called Rib Ticklers For Your Funny Bone, and it’s the best book ever ’cause it’s a joke book! I told a bunch on the way home and everyone laughed so hard. Wanna hear one? Here’s one: Why couldn’t Dracula go to the Halloween dance? Give up? Wanna know? Because his mummy wouldn’t let him! Isn’t that funny, Mom?

If you want a bunch of corny jokes, this one is for you!

Our other column is “I Can't Stand It When Jews Talk During Movies,” which I think is skewering people who embrace racial stereotypes about who makes too much noise during movies — and then ups the ante by substituting Jews.

Fictional columnist Dana Healy is unapologetically anti-Semitic, but the talking-during-movies thing really bothers her.

I hesitate to quote much from this, but I did laugh at this woman somehow knowing about MST3K:

I sure didn’t pay $10 to listen to a group of twits talk back to the screen like those obnoxious Jewish robots from Mystery Science Theater 3000!

There was at least a little pushback on this column in 2005, although I couldn’t find much either way.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Pisces for this amazing visual:

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You’re offered the chance to serve as “the most dangerous game” for a billionaire sportsman, but it’s canceled after he finds a tiger that has been trained to work a rocket launcher.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“Actual Expert Too Boring For TV” and “Democratic Senator Strides Down Corridors Of Powerlessness” could run word-for-word. Hell, the expert story is about nuclear energy, which is having a renaissance.

What holds up worst?

The Onion didn’t worry about offending people in this one. You might not tell a stranger the punch lines from “The Simple Life” or “Jews at the movies” jokes, but I think they convey roughly the same tone and intent in 2025 as they did in 2005.

What would be done differently today?

Could America handle “I Can't Stand It When Jews Talk During Movies” today? Is that even where we want Americans spending their short supply of nuanced understanding? I genuinely don’t know.

As for “The Simple Life” joke, are any of the thousands of reality shows popular enough to deserve such a vicious attack? There are just so many of them, plus endless influencers and streamers. Or maybe I’m just out of touch with today’s reality TV.

Finally, I noted how the Obama headline feels just as relevant in 2025. More recent Onion critiques of congressional Democrats include:

• February 2025’s “Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them”

• March 2025’s “Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage.”

Thank you

Appreciate all of you who are here. Keep sharing the newsletter, leaving comments, emailing me, and liking each issue — it’s a big help, and I’m grateful I can give y’all something you enjoy.

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. I wrote about this article last year, including how someone squatted on the Typepad address The Onion attributed to Bush!

3. One example of ancient computer use is “St. Elsewhere,” which in 1984 featured the Otrona Attache computer and a child hacker who essentially kills a patient by messing with the hospital’s records — in back-to-back episodes! I wonder how many viewers were baffled by the existence of computers, much less the plots.

4. I’m from Connecticut, which technically has county lines but hasn’t had official county functions since 2000.

5. The scandal was most notably parodied in October 2004’s “Older Brother Accused Of Cushion-Fort Prisoner Abuse.” It was also referenced in the January 2005 photo-only one-liner “Abu Ghraib Inside Joke Lost On Rest Of World.”

6. The Onion’s “Our Dumb Century” book uses this trick a lot. For example, this 1993 mock cover featuring Rush Limbaugh.

7. Then-Bloomberg columnist Josh Barro cited this article in a 2013 column.

8. For more on The Onion’s history with the C-word, this 2013 Daily Beast column offers a robust defense. Also, The Onion still uses the word semi-regularly.