20 years ago in The Onion, Americans were out of touch
Plus, The Onion explores U.S. debt, a divorced branding exec getting back out there, and very 2004 references to DSL and "Bill Gates' wife"
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit July 21, 2004.
There are a couple of old favorites of mine in this issue. This week’s also one of the last times I’ll be able to provide a color photo of the front page, as the archive sold by Wolfgang’s doesn’t extend much past mid-2004. If you know of a print archive somewhere, let me know!
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 29, the 201st new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004 and today. There’s no archive from 2014 of this issue, but this 2013 version is basically the same visual.
The front-page headline “Piggly Wiggly Recalls 50,000 Pounds Of Ground Beef And Glass” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Secretary Of Defense Humiliated As U.S. Credit Card Rejected” satirizes the embarrassing moment when your credit card gets rejected while making a purchase. It’s also, very loosely, a satire of the ongoing need for the U.S. government and Congress to raise the debt ceiling.
In June and July 2004, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld met with his Australian counterpart Robert Hill, first in Singapore and then in Washington, D.C. These real-life visits did not involve AH-64 Apache helicopters.1 In The Onion’s version, Hill and Rumsfeld visit a Boeing site in St. Louis to secure these helicopters.
Rummy is in fine spirits — until he tries to charge the order to his Visa:
The credit card, a Fort Knox Executive Club Visa granted to the U.S. during the Clinton Administration, had an assigned $300 million credit line. When the country accrued a balance approaching the limit in 1995, the credit-card company awarded the U.S. additional credit. According to a Visa representative who spoke on the condition of anonymity, the company granted extensions 14 times since then, but as of Monday, the card had never been rejected outright.
Rumsfeld blames the card machine and tells the Boeing rep to run the charge again. We also get a glimpse into Boeing’s once-stellar reputation:
"You can tell Boeing didn't engineer the card machine," Rumsfeld said, smiling nervously. "If they had, it wouldn't have all these glitches. Well, I suppose that right now, we need Boeing to be focused on the war effort."
Unfortunately, the card is rejected again, and Rumsfeld has to call Visa directly, as Boeing is threatening to physically destroy his credit card. Rumsfeld gets nowhere with Visa — the woman there calls him “Rumsfield”!) — and tries again to blame Boeing’s computers, to no avail.
This a fun read, but I wouldn’t take it too seriously as a critique of U.S. foreign policy, the defense-industrial complex or the U.S. budget. After all, we’re not supposed to think the U.S. government will imminently default, much less on military spending.2
I read this as The Onion seeing a chance to mock the Bush administration while continuing the “Rumsfeld in everyday situations” joke we’ve previously seen in January 2004’s “Rumsfeld Only One Who Can Change Toner In White House Printer.”
The Onion also commented on other political news, some real and some not.
“The Democratic National Convention” gets a big focus in this issue for being … well, much less interesting than this year’s convention will be. The 2004 convention is most famous today for Barack Obama’s keynote.
Anyways, The Onion didn’t know about that! Here, they mostly deliver generic anti-Democrat jokes (“Public abortions on the hour, every hour,” “John Kerry to wed running mate in civil ceremony,” etc.). That’s fine! But it’s not unique.
Also, Air America is mentioned.
Finally, “White House Declares War On DSL Provider” is a litmus test for whether you’re old enough to remember DSL internet service or the telecommunications company Qwest.
I like this add-on:
This marks the third time Bush has declared war this month, following conflicts with DIRECTV and the Potomac Electric Power Company.
D.C.-area people will recognize Potomac Electric Power Company as PEPCO:
The Onion comments on animals
Last week, I didn’t enjoy “Report: Scientists Still Seeking Cure For Obesity,” although the comments offered excellent background on The Onion’s perspective.
This week, “73 Percent Of U.S. Livestock Show Signs Of Clinical Depression” is more fun and more stupid, which is more my speed.
The U.S. government is concerned about livestock that seemingly do nothing, are listless and even sound sad:
"Most of the cows we examined barely had the energy to drag themselves from the barn out to the field," Walcott said. "Once in the field, they tended to spend most of their time quietly brooding and chewing cud, showing little to no willingness to communicate with their herd-member peers. Their depression was so debilitating that they needed to be coaxed out of inactivity through the use of hollering, physical force, and, in extreme cases, trained dogs."
The study also noted the average U.S. cow's tendency to emit low, mournful moans.
Advocates want special medication given, along with therapy. The phrase “Cattle have to learn to believe in themselves” is delightful.
I also love this passage. Bovine ennui!
Dr. Theodore Nelson, author of The Slow Slaughter: Growing Up Livestock In An Uncaring World, has made combating bovine ennui his personal mission.
Note that this article isn’t about factory farming or other cruel treatment of animals. Rather, The Onion is mocking humans for imprinting their emotions and thought processes on animals.
The other animal mention is “Chimps In Danger Of Extinction,” where The Onion asks people about real-life reports that chimpanzees could go extinct in 50 years.3
These jokes are unsympathetic and only moderately funny. I had to Google the Kurt Russell film “The Barefoot Executive.”
Area People doing Area Things
“Study: Majority Of Americans Out Of Touch With Mainstream” is a timeless article because even the most hip or in-touch person will eventually fall out of the zeitgeist.
This is even more true in today’s society, which is splintered with an endless array of media choices. I’m not saying this is bad, just that very few public figures, creations or works of art can get the same audience they might have garnered decades ago. There’s 1 Taylor Swift rather than many.
Consider “Will & Grace,” which this Onion story mentions. The show finished No. 16 in the 2003-04 TV primetime rankings, averaging 15.79 million viewers per episode. Here’s the list of primetime shows in 2023-24 that averaged 15.79 million or more viewers:
“Sunday Night Football”
That’s it! And among scripted shows, only “Tracker” averaged even 10 million viewers. (Streaming services don’t release apples-to-apples data, though conceivably, a show like “Fallout” averaged 10 million viewers in the initial 7-day window.)
Meanwhile, only 7 movies have sold more than 15.79 million tickets this year — 21 movies hit that threshold in full-year 2004.
I know I’m overlooking the viewership and impact of social media, clips on YouTube, etc. But consider this: By the metric of direct viewership, more Americans were familiar with Season 6(!) of “Will & Grace” than with any TV show produced in 2024.
OK, my lecture is over. My point is that this Onion story remains relevant because no one can possibly be “mainstream” on everything.
Plus, we get to explore the hot trends that most Americans didn’t know about in summer 2004:
NASCAR was America’s fastest-growing sport!
The “Munsingwear penguin-logo golf shirt” was apparently a thing, as was Nordic Walking. I do not recall The Streets song “Fit But You Know It.”
The iPod, Kanye West, “The DaVinci Code,” Usher and Dragonball Z.
I love this quote from someone desperately trying to keep up with the kids:
When asked to name the latest and most buzzworthy figures in entertainment, Tempe, AZ daycare provider Tina Jefferson said, "A lot of the children here saw the Harry Potter movie. And Yao Ming plays sports. How is that?"
"Oh, wait!" Jefferson added. "I know that Anna Nicole Smith lost a lot of weight and people are talking about it. Well, not me or people I know, but other people."
“Divorced Branding Exec Generates Buzz Before Getting Back Out There” has long been a favorite of mine. It’s so well-written while capturing the red flags of a divorcee jumping back into the dating pool and the red flags of marketing.
Brad Stritch of Saatchi & Saatchi is a successful marketing executive best known for his Red Bull cocktails campaign. The Onion’s trick here is discussing him, at all times, as if he is a marketing campaign and only secondarily a person. Consider this quote from a colleague discussing how Stritch has disclosed his divorce:
"Stritch made all the right moves, that's for sure," Guyer said. "Instead of talking a lot about his divorce, which carries the risk of becoming annoying, he only mentioned it to a small number of people in key locations like the office, the gym, his after-work bar, and the coffee shop where that one hottie works. By revealing his 'secret' to a few fashion-forward people and allowing them do the legwork, he created a textbook viral-marketing campaign."
Brad’s working out again and upgraded his wardrobe.4 Normal things to do, especially after a life change. But they’re described — by a former mistress, no less — as part of a clever campaign to attract younger women.
Eventually, it’s revealed that Stritch is masterminding this as a marketing campaign. I love the stickers and how they’re visualized in the above photo:5
"Brad believes placing stickers with the phrase 'Who is Brad?' in unusual locations throughout the city will be just the thing to keep people talking," Ennis said. "Also, he's planning a 'Who Says All The Good Men Are Taken?' theme party. He's trying to get it sponsored by Bacardi Silver, but they want him to hand out their T-shirts. He'd prefer the focus to be on him and his availability to attractive women, not a premium malt beverage."
This is a brilliant concept, especially when you imagine some Onion reporter tagging along the whole time.
Other Area People items in this issue include:
“Bill Gates' Wife Worried He's Lying In A Ditch Full Of Money Somewhere”: Gates looks so young here! In real life, he was probably dating other employees who weren’t his wife.
“Coach Angry Every Player Gets A Trophy”: The Onion probably would have played this bigger if they realized how resilient “participation trophy” complaints would be.
“Work Friends Calling Bill 'William’”: I love this. So relatable.
“Area Man Bored With All The Porn He Owns”: This article continues a running joke related to the film’s name. We last saw this porn film referenced in 2004’s “Woman Overcomes Years Of Child Abuse To Achieve Porn Stardom.”
“Garroting Survivors Call For Wire Ban”: A much shorter variation of 2000’s “National Machete Association Speaks Out Against Machete-Control Legislation.” I love the final line:
“Michaels recently accepted a $2 million grant from a coalition of sponsors that included Bluetooth and Cingular Wireless.”
“Some Sense Knocked Into Girlfriend's Son”: Oof. Well-written but harrowing.
Were the infographics good?
“Why Are We So Much Better Than All The Other MCs?” feels very dated — the illustration and the “pimping” reference, especially.
That said, I enjoy the Roget’s reference and the line “Frequently remind audience who we are, what we’re here to say.”
What columnists ran?
“You Mean I Could Get Paid For Writing Commercial Jingles?” imagines a man who delights in writing jingles but doesn’t share them widely, much less sell them. He’s like someone not monetizing his online presence, except he’s not even online!
This man is recording jingles for himself:
I've written close to 1,000 jingles, in fact. I used to just noodle around at home with my piano and my four-track, but about five years ago, I started recording my jingles at a studio my buddy has downtown. My wife, who has a really pretty voice and great enunciation, does most of the vocals. But on occasion, I've brought in members of the church choir to do backing vocals, or a neighborhood kid when the jingle called for a child's voice.
His favorites include Harn's Furniture and a local restaurant called Jack’s, but he also accidentally made a Pep Boys jingle popular.
This guy is so innocent. He can’t imagine a commercial jingle being, well, commercial. He’s the opposite of the divorced branding exec Brad Stritch:
Hmm, it does seem a little wrong to profit from something as pure as a jingle, though. My corporate- or product-related compositions always had integrity. What if I become a slave to the corporate hive mind? What if they try to make me change my sound? The second one of those big-jingle executives tells me to so much as lose a trumpet lick, I'm out the door for good.
Unlike Onion stories that become irrelevant over time, this story’s strength lies in how unrealistic and fanciful the main character is.
Our other column, This Is Not The Time For Compassion And Healing,” depicts a community struggling in the aftermath of sexual abuse by a Boy Scout scoutmaster — one of tens of thousands of incidents, unfortunately.
This is a time for unity, soul-searching and finding a path forward, right? Wrong:
This tragedy could open the doors to change and renewal. We could seize the opportunity to exchange ideas on how to improve and safeguard our children's futures. But instead, let's exchange angry recriminations and engage in childish name-calling. Mrs. Dailey, earlier, you told me that Ms. McInnes was a bad mother. Saying that to me behind her back is one thing, but why not say it again before everyone?
As I look around at the anguished, questioning faces in the room, I see a real need for guidance and unity. Well, I'm afraid this is neither the time nor the place for that. For now, we must simply pick ourselves up and carry on with the business of finger-pointing and buck-passing.
Our columnist rejects Gandhi’s teachings on forgiveness and hints that violent revenge is on the table:
Now more than ever, we must put aside the commonality of our shared suffering and focus instead on concentrating our wrath on a single individual. I suggest Helen.
This column is brilliantly written but is largely forgotten. My guess? It’s not fun for most people to share a column about sex abuse scandals. And the post-9/11 “We Must Retaliate With Blind Rage vs. We Must Retaliate With Measured, Focused Rage” is arguably a better version of this column.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Cancer, in which The Onion inadvertently predicts the 2007-08 financial crisis:
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll be unprepared for your sudden rise to a career in high finance, which is probably why you'll fuck it up so bad.
What holds up best?
I’ve always loved “Divorced Branding Exec Generates Buzz Before Getting Back Out There.” I was happy to see it holds up!
But if that’s not your favorite, there are many other good options, including “Work Friends Calling Bill 'William’” and “Coach Angry Every Player Gets A Trophy.”
What holds up worst?
“The Democratic National Convention.” The jokes are OK, but who cares?
What would be done differently today?
I expected more Olympics coverage, as the 2004 Olympics were only a few weeks away. The Onion would, of course, have more political coverage today.
I’ve talked a lot about The Onion writing shorter stories today. The July 2024 story “Plastic Surgeon Tears New Wife Down To The Studs” is a great example. In 2004, this could have been a front-page headline, a one-paragraph joke, a 600-word news article or a full-length column. In 2024, the one-paragraph joke is usually the only option.
Also, the Onion’s been posting “print” front pages lately! Here’s the most recent one. It’s not the same as a full print issue, but it’s a promising start under the new ownership.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others!
Next week, we’ll revisit John Glenn, the movie “Kickboxer,” and the classic column “Where The Fuck Is Diane With My Fair-Trade Coffee?” See you then!
Military spending has declined in the past 20 years as a percentage of GDP, but it doesn’t necessarily follow that the U.S. will default on such spending!
This threat persists in multiple forms, including among smaller regional populations.
As a side note, I’m delighted to report that someone tagged Urban Dictionary with this article in July 2004 for the term “fashion-forward.”
The “Who Is Brad?” stickers are obscuring posters for new albums by Brandy and The Cure and a Nina Sky song, among others.
"We're not sure, at this point, whether this is a new trend or a continuation of an old trend" amused me