Bush tried to save rom-coms 20 years ago in The Onion

Let's revisit CEO kidnappings, school principals, Gil Scott-Heron, commencement speakers and religious agreement on chicken!

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit May 18, 2005.

They say history doesn’t repeat, but it often rhymes. This week, we have numerous Onion jokes that rhyme with our world in 2025, even if they aren’t predictive.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 20, the 242nd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005 and today. There’s no archive of the 2015 issue page, although it probably looked like this 2014 version.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.¹

The front-page headline “Tennessee Senator Pushes Broken-Down Chevy Through Congress” is no longer online.

On the 2005 website, there is an interesting web-only addition under a banner titled “Announcements”:

The “TRY HARVARD!” image links to a fake but plausible advertisement for Harvard University (that’s the real phone number for the admissions office). The ad also ran on Page 8 of the May 18, 2005, print edition.

In 2025, The Onion has resumed this practice — the April 2025 print issue has faux ads for SpaceX, for example.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Bush urges Americans to do their part and "go west" to Hollywood.

“Bush Challenges America To Produce The Perfect Romantic Comedy By 2009” is a classic Bush-era joke on 2 levels: It makes fun of Bush for being dumb and unfocused, but it also skewers his grandiose aims.

Bush wasn’t afraid to step on “third rail” issues. His education law was modestly titled “No Child Left Behind.” He expanded Medicare and pursued wide-ranging reform of Social Security and immigration. And, of course, he responded to 9/11 with the Patriot Act, DHS, the “Axis of Evil,” 2 invasions and much more.

My point is that Bush went all-in on his priorities, for better or (or often) worse. So he wouldn’t half-heartedly endorse a rom-com revival. No, he’d put the country on a war footing, demanding we create the most romantic and most comedic rom-com ever:

“It’s been 15 years since we had a film as charming as Pretty Woman,” Bush said. “These troubled times call for another film with the power to unite us. If we believe in ourselves and in the principles upon which this great democracy rests, we can create, distribute, and market a romantic comedy that will make us laugh and cry.”

“We built the first intercontinental railroad,” Bush continued. “We invented the electric light bulb. We even split the atom. It’s time to remind the world what we’re capable of: If we can put a man on the moon, we can make a man and a woman who appear to dislike each other intensely fall madly in love before the closing credits roll.”

A scene from When Harry Met Sally, a quality romantic comedy from America's past.

The Onion has fun with this premise:

• Bush delivers a primetime address and says things like, “My fellow Americans, it’s time for another Sleepless In Seattle.”

• The project is called “Operation Meet-Cute,” which is pretty good.

• Bush urges citizens to “go west” and to “join the fight” — equating the rom-com project with the American frontier and World War II.

• Bush praises Harry and Sally for their “American hard work, know-how, and ingenuity.”²

Of course, Bush had to mention Iraq and freedom:

Added Bush: “Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston didn’t give up. Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore didn’t give up. The troops fighting for our freedom in Iraq haven’t given up. Nora Ephron hasn’t given up. And neither will this nation.”³

Amazingly, this article has a parallel in 2025, as President Donald Trump recently proposed 100% tariffs on foreign-made films. And while The Onion rarely discussed tariffs back in the day, this article does mention government levies:

Bush proposed adding a special “romcom tax” to all movie tickets, in order to allow all Americans to “do their part for Hollywood and for their country.”

The Onion comments on religion

Gurshner, who vows to do God's bidding by kidnapping Ford

“God's Plan For Area Man Involves Kidnapping Ford CEO” feels relevant in 2025 because of the public antipathy toward CEOs and surprisingly strong support for vigilante justice.⁴

But that’s not what motivated The Onion in 2005, even if the staff didn’t like corporations. Rather, The Onion is mocking, to varying degrees:⁵

• People who invoke God in everything they do

• The trope of people listening to the voices in their heads

• Corporations and CEOs in a general sense

In this article, former factory worker James Harold Gurshner believes that God directs all his actions. This is usually anodyne, such as athletes talking about God after games.

What Gurshner believes is a direct connection with the Lord might actually be a brain-related malady:

Raised a Seventh-day Adventist, Gurshner said he “got the true calling” in 1998, when God commanded him to kill a stray dog that wouldn’t stop barking during the night.

“I saw a bright light and knew in a flash what He wanted,” said Gurshner, who explained that God’s messages are often paired with staggering migraine headaches. “It wasn’t until I put a shovel through that dog’s head that God was satisfied and the messages finally stopped.”

Ford CEO William Ford Jr.

The latest message is to kidnap Ford CEO William Clay Ford Jr. Ostensibly, this kidnapping is to avenge Gurshner’s father. But … let’s just say Gurshner gets sidetracked:

“The Lord may want to enact retribution for all the people who died in cars, like my daddy did when I was 7,” Gurshner said. “But unless the Lord directly tells me to torture Ford, or beat him, I won’t. One thing I will not do is make love to the Ford CEO’s asshole, no matter what the Lord says. That activity is a sin against nature. An order to do it would be God’s way of testing me.”

This is dark material, but it could be a great laugh if you’re in the right mood. While not predictive, this article rhymes with today’s antipathy toward individual CEOs.

The Onion’s rarely seen food section

Left: A member of Ateles saporis, which scientists say tastes excellent broiled (at right).

“New, Delicious Species Discovered” taps into humanity’s unyielding love of food, even when we should be focused on studying and protecting a new species.

The animal in question is Ateles saporis — a fictional spider monkey of the Ateles genus, with “saporis” roughly meaning “taste” or “flavor.” (The photo depicts the black-tufted marmoset, which also lives in the Brazilian rainforests.)

As I’ve often said, The Onion’s brilliance lies in taking common jokes and being smarter, deeper and more detailed than everyone else. Lots of comic minds joke about discovering a new species and immediately hunting it for food. Hell, the dodo is a real-life example!

But The Onion does more than state the obvious. It invents a rich description of this animal’s appeal to scientists and chefs:

Keller said the new species boasts a gular sac, a distinctive trait that separates it from other species in the Ateles genus.

“The gular sac is a throat pouch that can be inflated, allowing the animal to make loud calls that resonate through the treetops,” Keller said. “More importantly, the pouch can be stuffed with nuts or dried fruits prior to roasting.”

The Onion notes the recent real-life discovery of the Arunachal macaque, which garnered less attention because it’s not tasty. Thankfully, the Ateles saporis is so delicious that scientists want to prevent its extinction:

“Raw or cooked, this species is one of the greatest discoveries of the 21st century,” added Bransky, licking her lips.

The team plans to research the species for another two months and then publish its findings in both the International Journal Of Primatology and Bon Appétit.

Other food-related jokes include:

• “Ruptured Pudding Cup At Large In Area Backpack”: I think this happened to me once in school.

• “Jews, Muslims, Hindus Agree On Chicken:” Both religious and food-related! Despite the agreement on chicken, there’s acrimony over “differing views on skewer length.” This joke made LA Weekly’s 2010 list of top Onion food-related headlines.

The Onion talks about real-life news

“Celebrity Commencement Speeches” is a fun look at this trend. I graduated 20 years ago this week with Rudy Giuliani as our commencement speaker, which was markedly less controversial then.

I love these jokes. My favorites:

• "Make Money By Any Means," 50 Cent, SUNY Buffalo: This is timeless 50 Cent messaging.

• "Everyone, There Is A Bomb In This Commencement Hall," Kiefer Sutherland, Princeton: Not timeless, but I love the “24” reference.

• “On The Importance Of Being Bono," Bono, Columbia University: Yup, checks out.⁶

The other real-life news item is “WTO May Accept Russia,” with The Onion asking people about this development. Numerous responses evoke Russian stereotypes like Bond villains, vodka and mail-order brides.

My favorite is:

“Why is this an issue? Evil Communist Russians have been a part of the WWE since the ’80s.”

Allison Church • Midwife

Area People doing Area Things

Van Hise patrols his school's hallways looking for students performing too far above or below the line.

“Principal Hates Underachievers, Overachievers” is about a principal who cleaned up Harriet Bishop High School and raised test scores. Sounds great! But he’s discovered a 2nd group of students who annoy him:

“I’d have time to do that myself I didn’t spend half my workday addressing the busybody club’s concern du jour,” Van Hise said. “Every time I turn my back, there’s another petition on my desk. Look, I have one right now. It’s the same thing every year. We hold student-council elections, the student body selects its leader, and the next day, like clockwork, I have a team of kids in here chewing my ear off about the unfair vote-counting practices and… I don’t even know what, to tell you the truth.”

Troublemakers at Harriet Bishop High propose/mock the idea of a Latin club.

Van Hise wants students to show up to class and otherwise shut up — not propose a Latin club or deface the concept with crude language, as seen above.

I love how The Onion is satirizing a common newspaper trope — the sunshine-y feature about a local school’s teachers or administrators.

A couple historical notes:

• Harriet Bishop was an education advocate and suffragist in Minnesota in the 19th century. There’s no high school in St. Cloud named after her.

• Van Hise confiscates “several issues of Daniel Clowes’ Eightball comics,” which ceased publication in 2004. That comic caused real-life controversy in 2007, when a Connecticut teacher assigned an Eightball issue for summer reading.

Other Area People jokes include:

• “Millions Of Plants Sent From Nation's Garden Departments To Their Deaths”: A smart, subtle joke.

• “Paroled Prisoner Excited To Hear The '80s Are Back”: So much packed into this one-paragraph article, including a reference to the 2006 “Miami Vice” movie and this quote:

  • “When the guard handed me my stuff, he said my acid-wash jeans, Kangaroos sneakers, and bright teal T-shirt looked really cool,” Dupree said.

• “Author Dismayed By Amazon Customers' Other Purchases”: The author of “Life of Pi” is devastated to learn his readers also purchase “The Five People You Meet In Heaven” and “The Rule of Four.” I’ve read none of them.

• “Area Dad Saw A Great Show On Bigfoot Last Night”: Another “history rhymes” moment: Lots of people roll their eyes at what their dads watch on TV or read online, but Bigfoot specials on Discovery seem like an uncommon topic.

• “Local Man Pushed Well Within Limits Of Human Endurance”: Such a simple joke, but really good.

Were the infographics good?

Our other infographic is “Popular New Cruise-Ship Destinations,” featuring a solid collection of jokes, including the Denny’s illustration.

“The Center of Disease Control” is relevant today, as the CDC laid off its cruise ship inspection staff, assigning the task to a much smaller group.

My favorite joke is “Time warp to 1942 Pearl Harbor.”

What columnists ran?

“A Gentleman Never Discloses Who Sucked Him Off” is exceedingly NSFW. Imagine F. Scott Fitzgerald writing graphic sex scenes that observe the sensibilities of 1920s posh America, and you’ll be in the ballpark.

Here’s an example:

A gentleman occasionally will have more than one guest at his home. Should he see that jealousy is breeding between the two ladies whom he is hosting, a gentleman does not say, “Whoa, ladies, there’s enough of me to go around!” The gentleman, valuing decorum and discretion above all else in his paramours, gently guides his guests’ heads from his penis and informs them that if they do not act like ladies, he will have to ask them both to leave.

Our other column is “Yes, Sweetie, Mommy's Heard Of Gil Scott-Heron,” which feels similar to “Ask A 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book.” The big differences: This column is from the mother’s perspective, and her child is back home from college.

Apparently, he’s obsessed with Scott-Heron, and the mom is doing her best to placate this interest.

As I’m learning from reading Christine Wenc’s book on The Onion, the writing staff was extremely Gen X-coded, as we see here:

What’s this, dear? Oh, you’re going to succeed where my generation failed? Well, I hope so! That would be wonderful, dear! You should give it a try! I felt that way when I first listened to Gil Scott-Heron, too. Yes, I agree: Fuck the man! You go and do that! Never sell out, that’s right! And while you’re upstairs not selling out, Mommy will be in the kitchen making dinner. Try to be quiet when you go up the stairs, will you, sweetie? Daddy’s napping in the living room.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Virgo, for this plausible scandal:

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You'll be well along the path to a lifetime of happiness when the rap-metal single you cut in 1997 resurfaces.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“Paroled Prisoner Excited To Hear The '80s Are Back” could run today, at least according to this February 2025 InStyle article.

“Bush Challenges America To Produce The Perfect Romantic Comedy By 2009” is right up my alley. Plus, the romantic comedy remains in the doldrums.

What holds up worst

Would The Onion use the N-word and the F-word today, much less in the same issue?

The former is in the Gil Scott-Heron column. Notably, The Onion hasn’t used that word since 2013, according to the website archives.

The defaced poster in “Principal Hates Underachievers, Overachievers” has the anti-gay slur, and I understand why high-schoolers in 2005 would vandalize a poster with that language. But I don’t think today’s Onion would use it for a throwaway joke in a photo illustration.

The most recent significant use of that word? The headline of this 2019 joke at Eminem’s expense.

What would be done differently today?

The Onion has covered Luigi Mangione less than I expected, possibly because the real-life saga already sounds like satire. But rather than a CEO kidnapping, they might highlight something like the 2018 story “Health Insurance CEO Reveals Key To Company’s Success Is Not Paying For Customers’ Medical Care.”

There’s one more “history rhymes” moment: The 2005 website featured a now-broken link to a print issue from 1998 — a “From The Vault” feature.

Meanwhile, The Onion has done a wonderful job in the past year repurposing old headlines for social channels, such as 2000’s “Aging Gen-Xer Doesn't Find Bad Movies Funny Anymore” being turned into an Instagram post.

Thank you

Thank you for being here! Please keep liking and sharing the newsletter, leaving comments and emailing me — it’s a big help. I’m grateful I can help you rediscover The Onion’s rich past.

Have an old headline you’re trying to find? Hit me up in the chat. Otherwise, see you next week!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. I saw “When Harry Met Sally” for the 1st time in late 2024. Couldn’t believe how good it is.

3. 6 years later, Ben Stiller would appear in an Onion video titled “PSA: Ben Stiller Speaks Out Against Shaken Manchild Syndrome.”

4. 40% of all people (and 53% in the 18-34 age group) approve of “hostile activism” in one form or another, although most of these acts don’t involve physical violence.

5. This is also an example of The Onion’s occasionally writing about crime before it happened, as seen in March 2005’s “Victims Sought In Next Week's Shooting.”

6. Other Bono mockery I’ve covered in this newsletter includes “Who Needs A Good Cock-Punching?” and “Bono To The Rescue,” both from early 2002.