20 years ago, The Onion made everyone get gay married
Also, Bush solves the federal deficit! Al-Qaeda is bad at hockey, says Area Man! Good cap and bad cop are both racist! A smorgasbord of classic Onion content.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Feb. 25, 2004.
I was fighting a lengthy cold last week, so I didn’t properly promote the most recent issue. Hopefully, the writing didn’t read like I was unwell.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 08, the 181st new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headline “Wildlife Preserved In Basement Freezer” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Bush To Cut Deficit From Federal Budget” is another entry in the “George W. Bush is stupid, right?” genre. Presidents deserve to be mocked. The challenge in 2004 was that everyone was making these jokes.
To me, this story is a timeless tale of how Americans treat the deficit. Every politician complains about deficits when politically convenient and pretends deficits don’t matter when they want to spend on their favorite programs.1 President Bush simply takes this another step and asks, “Why deficits?”
"I was staring at the figure for the deficit, and I decided that it simply could not stand," Bush said. "It was too high. Something had to be done. But Americans have been taxed and taxed. I say 'Enough taxes.' By my estimation, this historical crossing-out of the deficit will save American taxpayers millions, billions, and perhaps even bajillions of dollars."
The president then turned to Section 14-D of the official budget document, where the federal government's total expenditures, the GNP, and the difference between the two were listed. Using a black Sharpie, the president crossed out the third figure, eliminating it entirely.
Remember the line-item veto of the 1990s? This is a literal application.
A good Onion story has an absurd premise that everyone pretends is normal, and this article qualifies. A few other notes:
Some political leaders, including Sen. Blanche Lincoln (D-AR), want more financial machinations, such as adding zeros to the gross national product (GNP). This is an error by The Onion, as the U.S. switched from GNP to gross domestic product (GDP) in 1991.
Paul Krugman praises(!) “the president's bold, radical new take on the problem.”
Despite a Republican wanting to add zeros to GNP, a voter is mad at “tax-and-spend Democrats” for suggesting the same thing. This voter is from Bakersfield, Calif., recently ranked as the state’s most conservative city.
Bush’s next move is declaring “that the U.S. has universal health care.”
“Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry” responds to critiques of judicial overreach and says, “You haven’t seen anything yet.”
In real life, the Massachusetts high court ruling essentially ordered the legislature to write gay marriage into law. But in The Onion’s version, the justices go further, twisting conservative counterarguments to further their agenda:
Marshall added: "Since the allowance of gay marriage undermines heterosexual unions, we decided to work a few steps ahead and strike down opposite-sex unions altogether."
And because marriage is fundamental to society, the court requires that everyone in Massachusetts get married:
Marshall then announced her engagement to Holyoke kindergarten teacher Betsy Peterson, a pairing that had been randomly generated by computers in the census office earlier that day.
Those who don't choose to marry in private will be married in concurrent mass ceremonies at Fenway Park, Gillette Stadium, and the Boston Convention and Exposition Center. Any citizen who is not gay-married or is still in an illegal heterosexual relationship after that date will be arrested and tried for non-support.
Notable gay marriages include Rep. Michael Festa and House Speaker Thomas Finneran — both Democrats, although The Onion describes them as “longtime political opponents.”
The Onion makes clear that they aren’t swayed by real-life opposition to the ruling:
"This is a victory, not only for our state, but for America," Festa said. "Simply allowing consenting gay adults the same rights as heterosexuals was never the point. By forcing everyone in the state into a gay marriage, we're setting the stage for our more pressing hidden agendas: mandatory sodomy and, in due time, the legalization of bestiality and pedophilia."
The Onion famously wrote headlines first, then selected which became full articles. This is a great example of that approach. Without such a big, absurd headline, The Onion might have hesitated to lampoon a ruling that it (most likely) supported personally.
Other real-life people and news
“Dean Mentions He'd Make A Great Secretary Of Health And Human Services” published about 5 weeks after Dean’s famous scream made him an early internet meme.
“Thai Premier Eats Entire Bucket Of Chicken To Calm Bird-Flu Fears”: In real life, Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra was deposed by the military in 2006, lived in exile for many years, was jailed upon returning home in August 2023 and was released from custody literally this week.
“ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year”: I like the premise of Exxon’s CEO “driving around at 10 p.m. looking for a gas station with a copy machine.”
Finally, The Onion asked people on the street about “Colorado Football Under Fire,” which involved rape accusations against football players. For some reason, The Onion’s website cuts off some of the answers (here’s the 2004 website version, which has the full quotes).
I find most of these jokes uncaring rather than dark humor. My favorite is this callback to Janet Jackson and the Super Bowl:"See? See? One breast is flashed at a football game and the whole sport goes into the gutter."
Eric Scott • AV Technician
Area People doing Area Things
“Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist”2 is another favorite headline of mine, and I always picture the photo above when I think of this article.
That said, I did not remember that the N-word is used repeatedly, with a hard “r,” along with other slurs and insults. Beyond that, The Onion is walking a fine line in showing what these officers are like without seeming too gleeful about using slurs.
Officers Frank K. McGrew and Bob West are partners in the South Central neighborhood of Los Angeles. And despite hating non-white people, they have many differences!
“McGrew is a barrel-chested bruiser with the same close-cropped crewcut he’s had since his cadet days. He’s twice-divorced, spends his nights at a local tavern, and is rumored to have an unending series of problematic short-term relationships with white women half his age,” LAPD officer Terry Steig said. “West, however, is a smiling, kind-eyed listener who enjoys spending weekends in the park and is fiercely devoted to his white wife and their white infant child.”
You might think that West has been corrupted by working with his older, rage-filled racist partner, but no, he came to the partnership already racist. Per fellow cop Duane Garner:
McGrew was a grizzled veteran who’d developed a cynical attitude toward minorities after years of witnessing ugly street crime firsthand. West, on the other hand, was an idealistic young golden boy from the academy who took the horror stories his teachers told about the scum of the earth to heart.
This story is certainly political in some sense, as the early 2000s saw high-profile police brutality cases that The Onion commented on. But it’s mostly a satire of the buddy-cop trope, with one big twist.
“Pregnant Woman Acting Like No One Ever Got Pregnant Before” is a timeless headline, even if the article is somewhat disappointing.
I thought this would be a litany of employee complaints, a la February 4, 2004’s “Coworkers Dying To Tell Man He's Going To Be Fired.” But no, it’s just 1 dude at the office, Stephen DeGrassio:
"Amy thinks she's Big Miss Important," DeGrassio said Monday. "She's behaving like a total priss. It's like, 'Ooh, look at me! I'm pregnant! I'm gonna have a baby!' Hey, calm down. People have babies all the time."
Yes, Glennon constantly talks about her pregnancy, and she invited (i.e., guilted) everyone at work to her baby shower. But we don’t get the sense that everyone is annoyed. That would be funnier and less predictable than a misogynistic guy hating her:
"So she had an ultrasound," DeGrassio said. "Big whoop. It's a non-invasive medical procedure. I could get one if I wanted, and I'm not even a lady. It's just a black-and-white smear, and she's got it pinned up there like it's a goddamned Sears Christmas portrait."
I’ll say 2 things: 1. Glennon should probably not grab people’s hands, unprompted, and make them feel her stomach for a baby kick. 2. The response to such behavior is not to downplay miscarriage risk:
"Amy goes on and on about food now," DeGrassio said. "She's all hung up on folic acid or something. I told her, 'Hey, if you lose this one, it's not like you can't make another one.' C'mon, it's a joke. Lighten up."
Separately, I liked the now-outdated references to Sears portraits and the bicentennial.
Other Area People mentions include:
“School Flies Deceased Nerd's Underpants At Half-Mast”: This front-page photo and headline is from an era where causal jokes about school bullying were more common.
“Man Kinda Excited For Internal Camera Procedure”: I especially like the last line: "I talked to the doctor, and he said I'll be able to watch the whole thing on a monitor. He said they can even make me a video tape!"3
“Transformer Refuses To Change Back Into Volkswagen”: I’ve never consumed any Transformers media, but even I appreciate this. I assume Michael Bay’s “Bumblebee” didn’t have this storyline.
“4-Year-Old Reportedly Loved Trip To Italy”: A 4-year-old at St. Peter’s Basilica saying, "Look, pretty yellow!" sounds realistic enough.
Were the infographics good?
“Greece Gearing Up For Olympics” has a lot of jokes. They’re … a mixed bag. I like “Many of Athens’ Olympic facilities have fallen into disrepair since original games” because it works whether you’re referencing the ancient games or the 1896 Olympics!
“Athens no Salt Lake City” also amuses me.
“Most Popular T-Shirt Slogans, 2092” is just weird, and that’s great. Sometimes, you gotta throw ideas out there. “Pleasure Droid Inspector” updates the “Female Body Inspector” trope, I’m guessing?
I don’t think “01110011011101” translates to anything, but I’m not literate in ASCII.
What columnists ran?
“If Al-Qaeda Had A Hockey Team, We'd Kick Its Ass!” is a wonderful column that pokes fun at American jingoism through elements of truth. After all, the U.S. hockey team is pretty good, and Al-Qaeda had no hockey tradition or infrastructure, much less raw talent!
Our columnist is not a scholar, however. He thinks Afghanistan is in the Middle East. He thinks “Arabic numbers” are something strange. He repeats some misguided ideas involving towels, which is not great.
And … I don’t think this is how the uniforms would be designed?
And you know al-Qaeda's hockey uniforms would be totally ugly, with stupid colors and all kinds of Allah shit all over them.
That said, the columnist seems reasonably informed about what a big-time hockey game looks like. For instance, would this hockey game have President George W. Bush come out and say “Bring it on!” with Ted Nugent singing the national anthem? Honestly, yes. And this is a surprisingly compelling point about momentum in sports:
They might even go a goal up on us late in the first period, because you know Team USA would come out of the gate all fired up, and that level of emotion can get you in turnover trouble.
But also … what a bizarre scenario!
So al-Qaeda pulls their goalie, and while they're trying for the extra-man goal in garbage time to save face, they fail to notice one important detail: the Navy SEALs coming down from the ceilings and walls to capture everyone on the al-Qaeda bench. 'Cause there's no way we're letting those half-assed-hockey-playing terrorist bastards just waltz out the door. And that's how the greatest hockey game in history would end.
As someone who grew up a New York Rangers fan, I also wonder why we’re bringing Mike Richter out of retirement for this game. Are there no active American goalies in 2004?
I love this column’s energy and stupidity, but that’s probably because I was in college during this era. I completely understand a younger reader feeling differently.
Once again, we check in on Onion columnist Jim Anchower, who usually complains about his job. In “Going Out Is Too Much Hassle,” however, Anchower is unhappy with his social life:
I'd be pretty happy just sitting around the house eating my jerky chips and watching the tube. The only problem is that I can't get people to come over to my place, and I don't like being all alone. I'm a social animal by nature. I can usually count on Ron to stop by, since he's a cheap son of a bitch. Wes used to be good for hanging out, but then he got himself a girlfriend named Mindy. God only knows how. I think they met on some computer chat line last month or so. Since then, Ron and I haven't seen much of him.
Anchower is gaining weight, largely because of marijuana-induced munchies. But for Valentine’s Day, he agrees to go out with some friends — but not before pregaming at home with drinks and hot dogs. Also, Anchower has never heard of a Cosmo:
I went to the bar and asked if they had any pink drinks that weren't totally weak. The bartender said I should try a cosmo. I'm totally into all the outer-space science stuff, so I ordered two of them and headed back to the table.
Long story short, Anchower ends up playing 3rd wheel to Wes and Mindy, has 6 Cosmos(!), and predictably winds up almost comatose from that much liquor that quickly.
Poor Jim Anchower. This is the lesson he takes away:
I never should've listened to Ron and gone out in the first place. Valentine's Day has always sucked, and now I have one more reason to hate it.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week, with apologies to a Tom Jones mention, is Capricorn:
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You have no concept of time, accountability, or common courtesy, which is only forgivable because you're a pretty house cat.
What holds up best?
Is it really “Transformer Refuses To Change Back Into Volkswagen”? That’s such a good, simple joke.
What holds up worst?
The jokes in “Colorado Football Under Fire” feel too callous. Who are we making fun of, really?
Sadly, I don’t remember this news story, probably because there are so many scandals involving college sports, sexual assault or both.
What would be done differently today?
This was a weird issue for me to revisit. I realized that I fondly remembered the big headlines — “Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist,” “Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry,” and “If Al-Qaeda Had A Hockey Team, We'd Kick Its Ass!” — but had no recollection of the articles themselves.
In short, those articles are still enjoyable for me. But I’ve rarely written this newsletter and felt like, “Wow, I misremembered so much about those articles!”
This entire issue feels like The Onion was pushing buttons and undermining tropes — with no consideration of online reaction. That’s simply not possible today, for better or worse.
Consider this horoscope. I’m sure it’s a throwaway joke in 2004, satirizing the idea of God issuing an apology. And that’s OK. But a vague joke about racial caricatures in the 2010s and 2020s would feel designed to trigger a public reaction:
Aries | March 21 to April 19
God will offer a heartfelt apology to the human race for His insensitivity after creating you, an obvious human-racial caricature.
Thank you
Thank you for being here! Please share this newsletter with anyone you think might enjoy it. We’ll see you next week!
The deficit has been back in the news with complaints by bank CEOs, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell. There’s even an entire think tank dedicated to the issue.
A surprising number of websites sell shirts with this headline.
This story is set in Frederick, Md., one of a handful of mentions in the early 2000s.
Love the futuristic t-shirt slogans!
Hope you’re feeling better!