20 years ago, The Onion reviewed Weird Al's Wikipedia page

Also, you know, the 2004 election results, self-help books, the Iraq War, Halloween candy data and much more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 10, 2004.

I'm so glad to see a bunch of new subscribers. I’ll warn you — these newsletters are lengthy! But you’ll get a comprehensive look at The Onion’s print past, including links to everything online.

Today, we’re looking back at The Onion’s reaction to the 2004 election results. We’ll also check in with columnist Larry Groznic, who complains about the Wikipedia page for “Weird Al” Yankovic — and got results!

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 40, Issue 45, the 217th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.

The image comes from The Onion’s 2009 collection of front pages from 1988-2008.¹

The front-page headline “New Overtime Laws Changing Way Americans Wash Dishes For 60 Hours A Week” is no longer online. It’s a reference to regulatory changes from August 2004, which The Onion also mentioned in an October 2004 infographic.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Bush and Cheney accept victory.

You don’t have to look far to find parallels between the 2004 and 2024 elections. Both feature polarizing Republicans outperforming expectations, each winning the popular vote for the 1st time while carrying the Senate and (likely) the House. Both elections were especially disappointing for Democrats, who were sure they could defeat such an obviously flawed candidate — if only the voters would listen.

Meanwhile, The Onion had to absorb and react to all of this.

But there are differences. In many ways, 2004’s “Nation's Poor Win Election For Nation's Rich” is just another satire of President George W. Bush.

Let’s start with the good news. This is a huge improvement from last week, when The Onion published half-baked, web-only jokes 2 days after Election Day. The headline is so timeless that it could have run in The Onion’s “Our Dumb Century” book. The writing is strong, with rich detail. It reads like an Associated Press election article — summing up the results, quoting political leaders and talking to ordinary citizens.

Importantly, The Onion’s voice shines, mocking everything and everyone in our political system:

The economically disadvantaged segment of the U.S. population provided the decisive factor in another presidential election last Tuesday, handing control of the government to the rich and powerful once again.

Bush supporters vote in Kendall, FL.

But how does it hold up in 2024? Longtime readers might remember that, when I evaluate Onion jokes, I like to ask things like: “Does The Onion identify the target of their humor (or the butt of the joke)? And does The Onion execute this strategy?”

I think it’s clear that The Onion is mocking the Bush administration and (some) Bush voters. You can see the latter criticism here:

“Our society is falling apart—our treasured values are under attack by terrorists,” said Ellen Blaine of Givens, OH, a tiny rural farming community as likely to be attacked by terrorists as it is to be hit by a meteor. “We need someone with old-time morals in the White House. I may not have much of anything in this world, but at least I have my family.”

“John Kerry is a flip-flopper,” she continued. “I saw it on TV. Who knows what terrible things might’ve happened to my sons overseas if he’d been put in charge?”

Meanwhile, Bush and top advisor Karl Rove come off as deliriously craven and cruel:

“The alliance between the tiny fraction at the top of the pyramid and the teeming masses of mouth-breathers at its enormous base has never been stronger,” a triumphant Bush said. “We have an understanding, them and us. They help us stay rich, and in return, we help them stay poor. See? No matter what naysayers may think, the system works.”

But who’s the main target? I’m not sure. The Onion is clearly unhappy with Bush voters, but you could argue that this article casts Bush and the GOP as puppet masters.

(An aside: It’s curious to see the young-ish, white, educated Onion staff sum up the 2004 election by blaming all the other demographics, including Hispanic voters. Especially as Bush did exceptionally well among whites and the 30-49 age group. There’s a “Physician, heal thyself” aspect here.)²

Don’t get me wrong: I find this to be a strong effort, then and now. Most political commentary is embarrassingly outdated in hindsight, in all directions. In contrast, this article was praised in 2018 as a hallmark of The Onion’s heyday, and it’s an informative and funny read 20 years later.

Do I think this article reveals some blind spots? Yeah. But we’re all human. And I will always defend/encourage The Onion when it comes to mocking our political leaders.

Think I got this wrong? Tell me in the comments. My only request: If you’re going to shit-talk, direct it at me, not your fellow readers.

Even more election coverage

If you’re looking for more parallels between 2004 and 2024, we also have “The Republican Majority,” where The Onion asks people what they think about the GOP winning the House and Senate. Among the answers:

“The fact that 48 percent of Americans voted for a boring placeholder like John Kerry is actually a really good sign for the Left."

Leo Watts • Custom Tailor

Then-Sen. Barack Obama was 52.9% of the vote 4 years later, so The Onion got this one right!

(Note: The current website version is missing text. Here’s the 2004 archive.)

• “Nation's Wildlife Fleeing To Canada”: This headline and photo critiques Bush’s environmental record and, possibly, any celebrities who threatened to move to Canada should he win.

• “Kerry Captures Bin Laden One Week Too Late”: This headline-only item foreshadows The Onion’s 2010s depiction of John Kerry as the world’s greatest spy.

• “Bush Promises To Unite Nation For Real This Time”: The Onion wasn’t exactly wrong here:

  • “Bush then requested the support of all Americans for his agenda of cutting taxes and extending America’s presence in Iraq.”

• “Liberals Return To Sodomy, Welfare Fraud”: One of The Onion’s great strengths is going all-in on a joke. This is a good example of that!

• “Political Blogger Mass Suicide To Be Discovered In Several Weeks”: As I’ve noted before, casual jokes about suicide have decreased since Robin Williams died.

Checking in on the Iraq War

A Brenneman Security guard, previously employed by the Northway Mall in Phoenix, patrols a Najaf street.

“U.S. To Send 30,000 Mall Security Guards To Iraq” satirizes the U.S. military’s growing reliance on private contractors, including in Iraq. But instead of elite soldiers for hire, the U.S. turns to the Paul Blarts of the world:³

“We found that mall security guards are as well-trained and ready to face danger as the coalition-trained military police,” Archibald said. “They may not have the power of arrest, but real authority is only a walkie-talkie call away.”

The Onion raises an important question arising from the Iraq occupation: Should non-military organizations be doing military jobs? On the less serious side, we get every stereotype about mall cops (and the Middle East):

“I had to retrain my eye to spot the particular dangers over here in sand-land,” London said. “Yesterday, this kid with a bulge down his shirtfront comes around the corner. When I ask him to undo his jacket, wouldn’t you know, there’s a grenade launcher. Well, I hustled his keister right behind the falafel stand and told him the next time I saw his face around here, I’d turn him over to the coalition. Then I called his mullah to come pick him up.”

The grenade launcher is currently in the lost-and-found bin.

The kicker to this article warns about what happened when the U.S. sent prom chaperones to Somalia in the 1990s.

Area People doing Area Things

“Self-Help Book Believes It Can Be A Bestseller Someday” brings me joy as someone who long edited a leadership newsletter and blog. Most leadership books are self-help in disguise — even the good ones!

“The Life-Changing Power Of Perspective” is a perfect title for this self-published book. I’m surprised there aren’t real books by this name, although “The Power of Perspective” brings up some results.⁴

The Onion makes this more surreal by interviewing the book:

“But I’m not stopping with a six-figure deal from New Horizon Press,” Perspective said. “By ’believing in what I’m already achieving’—page 27—I can ’build on that belief and achieve through what I’ve built’—page 32. I’m not happy just to ’be,’ when I can ’see.’ I can see myself on every nightstand in America.”

I think The Onion accidentally predicted self-aware AI?

The book wants 60,000 copies printed, but the publisher only agrees to 15,000. As for the actual author:

The author of The Life-Changing Power Of Perspective, Boston-based pediatrician Wes Marten, could not be reached for comment, as he was undergoing treatment for amphetamine abuse following the breakup of his third marriage.

This is wonderfully weird stuff.

Left: Huygens (left) and Epstein (center) review the bills Doogan says he can't pay. Right: Doogan makes a request for immediate humanitarian aid.

“Housemates Reject Third-Roommate Debt-Relief Plan” is The Onion taking a complex topic — debt relief for developing nations (or “the Third World”) — and humanizing and localizing it.

First, let’s look at these photos:

• I like the photo on the left, but could it also be an indie rock album cover?

• In the 2nd photo, that’s an astounding amount of Cap’n Crunch in the bowl on the left.

Chad Doogan of Lawrence, Kan., owes his roommates money but wants them to forgive the debt. But unlike the international community (and Bono and Sen. Jesse Helms?!), roommates Doug Huygens and Jake Epstein are unwilling to do this.

I love how The Onion mimics international diplomacy by calling the roommates “superpowers” who create their own version of the International Monetary Fund:

Huygens and roommate Jake Epstein, 24, said they first provided Doogan with emergency funds last winter, when they granted him an aid package in the form of a no-interest loan obtained through the Apartmental Monetary Fund, founded by Huygens and Epstein in February 2004 at the behest of third-roommate advocacy groups, such as Doogan’s buddies Dan “Cosmo” Richards and Douglas “Scooter” Pye.

Doogan breaks all the conditions of the loan, so they sanction him. Then, Doogan’s girlfriend (“an outspoken Chad advocate”) suggests debt cancellation;

Added Epstein: “Liz is super nice, but her idealist humanitarian policies are not financially sound. We set a dangerous precedent by bailing Chad out. It hardly motivates future roommates to be fiscally responsible, does it?”

This is classic Onion material. Plus, you can sympathize with Doogan and/or the roommates while laughing at the ridiculously elaborate bureaucracy they’ve created.

Other Area People items include:

• “Amount Of Halloween Candy Collected Down 15 Percent” is an underappreciated joke. I love the idea of a Federal Confectionery Reserve.

• “Procrastinating Catholic 20 Rosaries Behind”: I wonder whether my 95-year-old Catholic grandmother would appreciate this.

Were the infographics good?

Writing this column makes me realize how much of the past I’ve forgotten, and “Prehistoric Discoveries” is no exception. For example, I have no recollection of scientists discovering a species of small archaic humans or finding evidence that Tyrannosaurus Rex had feathers.

The infographic is not nearly as fascinating. We get a shoutout of the brontosaurus (RIP) and this joke that feels pretty accurate: “In general, some interesting stuff that will be simplified by the press and inspire a couple of preposterous movies.”

“What Are We Doing With Our Old Clothes?” is a great question.

These jokes have a 1990s feel, from the No Fear reference to the curious spelling of “Be-Dazzling” to the “Castaway”-inspired illustration.

What columnists ran?

“I Must Take Issue With The Wikipedia Entry For 'Weird Al' Yankovic” marks the return of Larry Groznic, whose pedantic columns have addressed such topics as sequential-art erotica, the Muppets and the old show “The Prisoner.”

Here, Groznic grouses about being suspended as a Wikipedia editor. He’s tried to ignore the failures of Wiki editors when it comes to the actress Virginia Hey and the novelizations of Buffy. But when he views “Weird Al” Yankovic’s Wikipedia entry, Groznic can hold his tongue no longer.

The article does not even hint at the immeasurable output of Alfred Matthew Yankovic, the man who has dominated the parody-song form since “My Bologna” first topped Dr. Demento’s “Funny Five.” And, although it did not gain national acclaim, “School Cafeteria,” released as the B-side of the “My Bologna” single, is not to be overlooked. The live version, to be found on Dr. Demento’s Basement Tapes, contains several amusing riffs, as well. But again I digress.

Groznic points out that Weird Al’s page is unusually short, given his accomplishments. Many of his non-recording achievements are overlooked, as is his 1999 decision to get LASIK and shave his mustache.

The wildest thing? This article actually led to edits of Weird Al’s Wikipedia page! Check out the revisions from Nov. 6 to Nov. 11, 2004. Groznic’s commentary was cited, and his complaint about missing characters from “The Weird Al Show” was addressed, among other changes.

One final note: This column might be a mea culpa by The Onion for mocking the carbon monoxide death of Weird Al’s parents in April 2004’s “Weird Al Honors Parents' Memory With 'Tears In Heaven' Parody.”

“Debbie, By The Time You Read This, I'll Either Be Dead Or Vice President Of Marketing” is a longtime favorite of mine, but this issue is so jam-packed that I can barely give it the attention it deserves.

Kenneth Sanders works for Poland Spring, and he’s penned this farewell note to Debbie. You see, he’s fought long and hard to be promoted within the Nestle-owned water company:⁵

I may be tempting fate with my fearless scheme. For that, forgive me, Debbie. But it was fate that first tempted me when, seven years ago, I toured the executive offices on the 30th floor of the Nestlé domestic-waters division during my orientation meeting in December. Since that day, my devotion to this singular end has been unwavering. And now, finally, an opportunity has presented itself, and I would be a fool to ignore it. The dream is within my grasp, and I must seize it—or die.

Sanders asks Debbie to contact his family and make the funeral arrangements, including for cremation “if my body should ever be found.” He gets spiritual near the end:

It pained me to leave you as you slept. Though I wished to, I could not say goodbye, for the time had come to embark upon this most fateful task. But if I am given the chance to return to you in flesh and blood, I will be all the more worthy of your love. If the Lord allows me to share that bed with you again, Debbie, the man lying by your side will have satisfaction in his soul, newly printed business cards in his wallet, and complete control over all marketing decisions for Poland Spring, pending approval of the CEO and COO.

I love this type of Onion article. So earnest, so silly.

What was the best horoscope?

So much death in this week’s horoscopes! My favorite this week is Pisces:

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Your feeling that the people you work with are dragging you down is borne out by the Norstar Telecommunications rope you'll find wrapped around your ankles.

Norstar is still in business in 2024.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2004 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“I Must Take Issue With The Wikipedia Entry For 'Weird Al' Yankovic” is surprisingly relevant, as both Weird Al and Wikipedia remain powerful cultural forces.

Many of the political jokes are intriguing to revisit today, also. For pure timelessness, I’d also highlight “Amount Of Halloween Candy Collected Down 15 Percent” and “Debbie, By The Time You Read This, I'll Either Be Dead Or Vice President Of Marketing.”

What holds up worst?

The real-life discoveries are more interesting than The Onion’s jokes in “Prehistoric Discoveries.”

What would be done differently today?

This week, The Onion created a web-only “front page” for the election, with “America Defeats America” as the top headline.

This front page has a lot of overlap with “Nation's Poor Win Election For Nation's Rich,” for sure. But I’d also highlight the YouTube video “ELECTION ALERT: Still Too Early To Know Which Minority To Scapegoat” as an interesting contrast.

I’m also happy to see a truly absurd headline in the mix: “Mentally Broken Nation Starts Dressing, Speaking Like Frank Sinatra.”

Thank you

I’m so grateful to write this silly newsletter and to have all of you along for the ride. Please like, comment and share the newsletter so we can share The Onion’s joys more widely!

Next week, we’ll be back with global warming, the death of Yasser Arafat, Oprah Winfrey, pointy shoes and much more. See you then!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. Was The Onion accurate in naming poor, elderly and/or Hispanic voters as Bush’s base? Yes and no:

• Bush did slightly worse among voters earning less than $50,000 in 2004 than he did in 2000. His gains were firmly among higher-earning voters.

• Bush won voters age 65+ in 2004 after losing them in 2000, and he gained 9 percentage points among Hispanic voters.

3. The Kevin James movie didn’t come out until 2009.

4. A pastor’s sermon from just a few weeks ago has the exact title!

5. Nestle sold Poland Spring in 2021.