20 years ago, The Onion told us we need a sexy back

The Onion also makes fun of reality TV, the Bush economy, Alan Colmes, encyclopedias and who gets to have Jesus as their personal savior.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Dec. 3, 2003.

There are only 3 more issues of new content left from 2003: this one, Dec. 10 and Dec. 17. Then, The Onion took its regular holiday break before returning in mid-January 2004.

I’m grateful for new subscribers. This is a long newsletter — but you’ll get every joke and link from 20 years ago. I encourage you to explore, enjoy and laugh.

If you’re new here, welcome! Please sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 39, Issue 47, the 172nd new Onion issue of the 2000s. There is no 2003 website archive yet again. Here’s the website from 2013 and today.

The front-page headlines “Perverted Ninja Enjoys Being Seen” and “Wallet Chain Retired” are no longer online. I love both headlines — the ninja one is a beautiful joke construction. I’m assuming wallet chains were fading in late 2003 from their 1990s re-emergence? Did you have a wallet chain 20 years ago? Or now? Let me know.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

“New Alternate-Reality Series Puts 12 Strangers On Island Where South Won Civil War” is a good Onion headline, but my mind automatically compares any fake reality show to the genius of “30 Rock” (“MILF Island,” “Queen of Jordan,” etc.).¹

That said, “Antebellum Island” is a great name. And the slogan in the logo is sublime: “Secede. Suppress. Survive.”

The Onion in the early 2000s seemed a bit perplexed by reality TV — and who can blame them? Did we know reality TV was destined to infect every aspect of society? Maybe not. By 2002 or 2003, it was clear no show could dominate the ratings quite the way “Survivor” and “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” once did. But that didn’t mean reality TV itself was fading. By fall 2003, broadcast ratings declined outside of live sports, and young adults melted away because of too few reality shows.

If reviewing The Onion from 20 years ago has taught me anything, it’s that even the most novel or outrageous ideas get dulled by time. It’s funny how reality TV is just, like, background noies now. But in 2003, it could still shock.

This is my favorite passage, preceding both the wave of British TV imports (“The Office,” etc.)² and Amazon’s successful adaptation of “The Man in the High Castle”:

Davies said CBS also seriously considered another alternate-reality series called The Man In The High Castle In The Outback, in which 12 women would compete for the love of a Jewish man hiding in Australia under an assumed name because the Allies lost WWII to Nazi Germany. Ultimately, executives deemed the scenario less likely to engage the average American viewer than the post-Civil-War alternate reality.

Three Antebellum Island contestants in a scene from the show's premiere episode.

Because the South has not risen again, CBS couldn’t set the show along the Mississippi River.

I present this passage without comment:

"We have a good mix of people for our first cast—all colors and creeds," Davies said. "On this show, as you might imagine, diversity is especially crucial. We plan to break the participants into two 'families,' the Masons and the Dixons."

"In casting the show, we looked for people who displayed adaptability, good judgment, and impeccable hospitality," Davies said. "But we wanted to let the contestants' personalities shape the show. We didn't just look to fill the typical slots: plantation owner, houseboy, carpetbagger, and Uncle Tom."

This satire is well-written, descriptive, and just the tiniest bit plausible. Well done, Onion writers.

Checking in on politics

Left: Newly employed workers at a Bush campaign office in Chicago. Right: A factory worker in Macon, GA, works for the Bush re-election campaign.

“Bush Re-Election Campaign Creates Thousands Of New Jobs” is less memorable today, but it was a good article in December 2003: It’s topical, and the president is always a worthy target. Plus, what a good headline — it’s passable as a generic newspaper headline about the campaign, but it also mocks the president and his economic policies.

The unemployment rate was about 6% in late 2003. But have no fear!

"While other segments of the economy are undergoing hiring freezes, the Bush-Cheney campaign is experiencing rapid growth," [Ken] Mehlman said. "We've hired everything from computer technicians to manage the campaign's database of registered Republicans to an entire team of producers to create our television ads. George W. Bush is putting Americans back to work."

I like how — unlike much of today’s Onion — the joke is implied rather than smashed into your brain. There’s quote after quote about the campaign buttons and fundraisers as if these are permanent, high-paying jobs and not just temporary excess.

Plus, The Onion names real-life supporters! This is smart writing that took some research. Among the mentions:

• A $1.7 million fundraiser hosted by Watermark Communities is mentioned. This was a real November 2003 fundraiser by CEO Al Hoffman, who Bush later named ambassador to Portugal.

• United Healthcare Chairman William McGuire, who also hosted a big fundraiser in 2003.³

• Warren Staley, then the Cargill CEO. Also a “Pioneer”-level fundraiser.

Again, this article isn’t my inspiration (talking animals might be why I write this newsletter). But this is sharp political satire against a sitting president, which is always needed.

Also in the news was “The Clean Air Act,” which the Bush administration tried to weaken.

I edited a newsletter for chemical manufacturers for many years, so I was unusually familiar with substances like polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs)⁴ and styrene, as well as the long-running debates over the Clear Air Act.

I also like silly jokes like “Elimination of word ‘clean’ from name of act” and the one about “cooler, crisper menthol smokestacks.”

Other political items include:

• “Alan Colmes Loses Argument With Nephew”: Remember when Sean Hannity had a liberal co-host? This 8-year-old also “has won arguments with Colmes on the subjects of Pokémon cards, Crunch Berries cereal, and steel tariffs.”

• “Senate Votes 64-36, Not Sure On What”: Sen. Kent Conrad (D-N.D.)⁵ is especially confused about S. 546, which in real life was the Paleontological Resources Preservation Act. Conrad thinks it might be the Bend Pine Nursery Land Conveyance Act, which was passed in 2000.

• “New York's Finest Protect New York's Richest”: Perfectly fine front-page joke, plus this image:

  

Area People doing Area Things

Marlene and Paul Hirsh somehow carry on during their fourth week apart.

“Trial Separation Works Out Great” shows a couple thrilled to rediscover the bachelor life. Marlene is drinking margaritas, taking Pilates and getting hit on by guys at the club.

"I definitely have decided that, when we get back together, I need to spend more time by myself," Marlene said. "I never realized how much I'd let Paul's interests—or lack thereof—take over. Now, I can go anywhere I want without Paul grilling me. I go to the park just to hang out, and I'm joining a community theater group with my friend Neil. There's so much I want to explore before we get our marriage back on track."

Paul, meanwhile, is exercising, hanging out with the guys and not getting nagged for leaving the cap off of the toothpaste.

"In fact, maybe giving each other even more space would help our marriage even more," Paul added. "I'm thinking of getting a leave of absence from work to go visit my brother in Alaska for a few months."

My favorite part is the “expert” The Onion talks to at the end. Dr. Oliver Hall has written a book called “Falling Apart, Staying Together,” which I wish was a real book. Plus, this is halfway decent advice:

“Time apart can provide spouses with the space they need to explore their true feelings. Another plus is that a separation can give you the taste of freedom you need to force you to get the hell out of a dead-end marriage.”

Vanderkamp on Oct. 23, three days before he discovered Jay-Z.

“College Freshman Cycles Rapidly Through Identities” follows a freshman at the University of Kansas, Kirk Vanderkamp. Note that “identities” is a different term in 2003 — Vanderkamp’s not exploring sexuality or gender. He’s cosplaying, essentially:

"You never know what he's going to be wearing when he steps out of that dorm room. Since September, I've seen him in everything from head-to-toe FUBU sweats and a chain to a tie-dyed shirt and a fringed leather jacket."

(FUBU! I knew so many kids who wore their clothes in high school. However, in 2003, FUBU mostly exited the U.S., so this is a very late-stage reference.)

Vanderkamp’s various personalities, complete with wardrobe and speech affectations, include “frat-guy wannabe,” Buddhism stoner, jam band stoner, “white hip-hop kid” and spoken-word poet:

"I bumped into him, and he was nearly unrecognizable," Hiller said. "He was dressed in low-slung jeans and this shiny red jacket. I didn't know who it was until he said, 'Yo, Hills! Wussup?' He even had his hair in cornrows. He said he'd stopped hanging with us because we listened to 'that Grateful Dead shiznit.'"

Vanderkamp’s RA notes that he’s Jewish, guessing that his next persona will be either embracing Judaism “or film nerd.”

I love the little details in this story, like Vanderkamp reusing the John Lennon glasses for multiple personas.

Other Area People stories include:

• “Man Born To Party Dies Partying”: Look, this is tragic, but funny when it’s a fictional person and not a loved one. I love the last line, which is written like a newspaper story:

  • “Scharf, who fell to his death while scaling the wall above a sixth-floor balcony, is survived by his loving parents, Mark and Anne, and his brother, Tony "Barf" Scharf.”

• “Small Town Honors Once-Ostracized Artist”: An on-the-nose depiction of being unappreciated in your time.

• “Rookie Trucker Always On CB To Mother”: We get some trucker talk here:

  • “Coogan went on to say that if his mother would just say the word, he'd do a flip-flop and put the hammer down to be back home in the short-short, in time for dinner.”

• “Novelty Alarm Clock Not So Funny At 7 a.m.”: I love this front-page one-liner. Also, does anyone know where this clock is from?

  

Were the infographics good?

“What Are We Looking Up In The Encyclopedia?” is the most out-of-date concept in this issue. That said, I like these jokes, especially “Penguins, but it doesn’t say how they do it.”

What columnists ran?

“I Need To Have A Sexy Back Now, Too?” is a harrowing column about women’s self-image fears — and society’s expectations that create those fears. Our columnist, Gina Loman, is understandably stressed out. She’s worked hard to be sexy in terms of hair, smile, stomach, physique, thighs, buttocks and neck. But that’s not enough!

I guess I'd better get to work, because being sexy is important. It's not only about attracting men. See, I've read that sexiness inspires self-confidence. If I look good, I feel good, so I try to keep up on what it takes to be sexy. I started to lift weights a few years ago, and I wouldn't have sexy, muscular abs if I hadn't. I've taken quizzes to see if I have a sexy attitude. (I scored 36 sexy points out of 50!) But was all that good enough? Far fucking from it.

“Regis & Kelly” informed Gina that sexy feet are needed (corners of the internet surely have reinforced this since). She’s also learned about elbows and eyebrows and hand moistness and vein-free ankles.

Poor Gina. She’s paranoid now:

From now on, I'm going to stay ahead of the game. I noticed the back of my tongue has a whitish coating. That simply can't be sexy. My wrist bones don't seem to jut out sexily enough. Men might be repelled by the small hairs inside my ears. Perhaps I should look into having them professionally waxed. And if there's something that needs to be done to make my clavicles sexier, I should find out now, before I hit the holiday parties.

Our other column is “No, Jesus Is My Personal Savior,” one of my favorite headlines in a while. It’s about a man who wants the benefits of Jesus without sharing them, at least not with some guy named Matt. This is a simple joke but a great premise.

Get your own Redeemer, Matt. I have a one-on-one, personal relationship with Jesus, and I don't remember inviting you in on it. Yes, I know, Jesus said the apostles should spread the good news of His death and resurrection, and his followers should "go forth and do likewise." Hello, I'm the one who told you that, remember? But just because I happen to have proselytized unto you on His behalf, that doesn't mean I welcomed you into the fold or expected you to embrace the one true Messiah. I was only saying that stuff out of devotion to His teachings, not because I wanted you to get with God, too.

Duane’s personal journey to Jesus started with a “little cartoon pamphlet on the ground,” but while he has embraced the faith, he’s still selfish, possessive and greedy:

I don't need you coming in here with your "Jesus accepts all into His all-forgiving bosom, even the sinners, tax collectors, and whores, so why not old Matt?" crap

This is not the 1st time Matt has bandwagoned onto something Duane liked — Linkin Park and Owen Wilson are given as examples.

Sadly, Duane leaves the faith, warning Matt that he’s embracing old sports cars and doesn’t want Matt to gloam on to that 6 months from now.

I was genuinely surprised to see him quit Jesus at the end!

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Cancer, mostly for the visual and alternate take on the trolley problem:

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You'll be a hero for the shortest interval in human history when you push an old lady out of the path of a careening bus and into that of a runaway locomotive.

What holds up best?

The conversation around beauty standards and aging has surely shifted in the past 20 years, but there’s still a lot of pressure on people to look young and fit all the time, no matter what. In that way, “I Need To Have A Sexy Back Now, Too?” feels just as relevant.

What holds up worst?

The random gay slur in “Small Town Honors Once-Ostracized Artist” is avoidable — lots of ways to insult this artist without going that route.

What would be done differently today?

We have one article about the 2004 presidential election. I suspect we’d have much more coverage today.

Thank you

Thank you for being here — and for reading this far! Please share this newsletter with anyone you think might enjoy it. See you next week!

1. 2023’s “MILF Manor” was only slightly different from the fictional “MILF Island” — but arguably just as bad. Yes, the real-life boys were of legal age, but they were also the mothers’ sons.

2. I know “Coupling” and other British programs came to the U.S. first. But “The Office” seemed to jump-start the trend. And I guess “Ted Lasso” brought it full circle?

3. He resigned a few years later and later settled an SEC investigation.

4. Monsanto was ordered in November 2023 to pay $165 million over PCBs, for example.

5. Last month, I caught up with an old co-worker and learned that he worked for Conrad (briefly) back in the day.