20 years ago, a breakup ruined Virtua Fighter 2 for an Area Man

Plus, Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes governor, and we revisit early 2000s icons like Joe Lieberman, OutKast, "The Sopranos" and ... Andy Sipowicz of "NYPD Blue"?

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 15, 2003.

This week, we revisit early 2000s tropes such as violence on TV, people liking OutKast and disliking Sen. Joe Lieberman, President George W. Bush being confused by things and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s unlikely ascendance to governor of California.

If you’re new here, welcome! We publish on Sundays, and you can sign up below.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 39, Issue 40, the 167th new Onion issue of the 2000s. There is no 2003 website archive. Here’s the website from 2013 and today.

The front-page headline ”Ashcroft Chases Down, Loses CIA Leak Suspect In Alley Behind While House” is no longer online. I didn’t remember the Valerie Plame leak being so big right away — this is 2 issues in a row with jokes.

I like the visual of John Ashcroft personally chasing suspects, although The Onion’s Dark Universe Ashcroft is my favorite.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Zuniga holds the video game he used to play with Baker (inset).

“Ex-Girlfriend Playing Virtua Fighter With Some Other Guy Now” combines 2 strengths of The Onion in the early 2000s: relationships and PlayStation 2.

Troy Zuniga isn’t just sad because he broke up with Chrissy Baker and they had a shared love of Virtua Fighter 4 (and Grand Theft Auto and NHL 2003), but because a friend told Troy that Chrisy was seen in a video-rental store with a man — clearly there to rent video games with a new lover.

"Virtua Fighter was our game," Zuniga said. "Sometimes, we'd trade off the controller and work our way through the levels. We had our own special, shared save file. We made such a great team. But sometimes we'd go at each other in two-person mode."

"I wonder if she's doing that with that other guy," Zuniga said. "That would be like an infamously impossible-to-pull-off, 70-point, block-forward, forward, punch-plus-kick-to-jump-kick 'stomach-crumpler' combo-blow to the heart."

Chrissy, or “C-Bake,” taught Troy how to get past the character Dural, while he showed her how to excel with Lei-Fei.

Virtua Fighter 4 emphasized “reversal” moves with its new characters, including Lei-Fei:

"We stayed up until dawn once, making out and learning the attack reversal system," Zuniga said. "It was a once-in-a-lifetime thing for me—but obviously not for her. I guess she's pulled the ultimate reversal on me now."

Zuniga watches the replay of a saved battle in which Baker played Ensei-Ken.

Troy’s friends are supportive but also want him to move on. Says Zoe Flagler:

"This will pass," Flagler said. "True, it's going to take some time for him to rid his memory card of the scores saved under her name. You know, he can't just erase what they had together, because if he did that, he'd lose his characters' identities, too. But in the end, Troy is better off without Chrissy. She used to control him, just like she controlled Pai Chan."

This quote is a good reminder that PlayStation 2 relied on memory cards to save your progress, not internal storage. I finally got rid of my PS2 ahead of a move in late 2021, though it had been years since I played it.

A violent scenario from the cable series The Sopranos.

The Onion never bought into the prudish notion that entertainment (movies, music, TV, video games) created violence (2001’s “Video-Game Violence Blamed In Giant-Robot Shooting Spree” is one of the best parodies of this idea). But the critique persisted that screens were warping young people.¹

“Study Finds Cable-TV Violence Leads To Network-TV Violence” mocks this with the idea that cable TV corrupts network TV over time — and that we should be worried about the innocent fictional victims:

"Back in the late '70s, when cable was in its infancy, the most violent image you were likely to see on network television was the Incredible Hulk bending a metal bar," Peck said. "Now, entire network programs, like Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, are devoted to violent sexual assault. Where is this behavior coming from? It must have been learned somewhere, or people on TV would still emerge from car wrecks dazed but uninjured."

"Something must be done to stop this cycle of violence," Peck added. "It's killing America's TV children."

I’m happy to report that great shows such as “The Sopranos,” “Oz” and “The Shield” are cited. I’m confused why “Sex and the City” is blamed for increased sex on the American version of “Coupling,” which surely was less promiscuous than its British namesake!

I love the emphasis on cop shows; after all, it feels like more murder happens in TV New York City than in real life — not to mention the mind-boggling amount of terror attacks that the “NCIS” universe has endured.

One of those cops, Det. Andy Sipowicz from “NYPD Blue,” weighs in:

"It's true that something must be done," said the long-running character, speaking words written by NYPD Blue creator Steven Bochco.² "You don't know what it's like for us imaginary characters out there on the front lines of America's TV streets."

"Every day, our made-up lives are on the line," Sipowicz continued. "If we catch a bullet, there's no way of knowing what could happen, at least not until after the next commercial break. Many who have fallen in the line of duty never make it back into the storyline. They're gone forever."

Love this dialogue, especially with Dennis Franz’s delivery.

You might be surprised to remember that “NYPD Blue” was still on 20 years ago — and Mark-Paul Gosselaar was a regular!

The Onion checks in on politics

Lieberman tells Hartford voters he'll be brief.

“Lieberman Pledges To Gloss Over The Boring Issues” imagines Sen. Joe Lieberman — my home state senator, 2000 Democratic vice presidential candidate, future independent and almost the 2008 Republican VP pick — as a man who understands most people don’t like politics and don’t understand the issues:

"Are you sick of politics as usual in Washington?" Lieberman said at a campaign fundraiser held at the downtown Hartford Hilton. "Are you sick of politics in general? Well, I can see why. Politics, frankly, is boring. In this campaign, I promise to slide past the tedious issues and get to the point: I want to be your next president! Vote Joe in 2004!"

Look, I’ve never attended a stump speech, but I don’t hate this succinct approach:

"The economy? I'll make it better," he said. "Reconstruction of Iraq? No problem. International relations? I'll patch those up in my first 100 days. Poverty? I got a plan."

"World trade? Women's rights? Education? Yes, yes, and yes," said Lieberman, who spent the next 45 minutes discussing the Red Sox.

20 years ago (even 9 years ago!), voters were less engaged than today. And Lieberman and Al Gore were considered exceptionally boring. Should that matter? Maybe, maybe not, but it did! Credit to The Onion for having fun with this.

Meanwhile, Lieberman dodges a question about Chinese currency valuation, because that’s complicated and boring! He then delivers one of my favorite lines in a while:

Now, back to the real issue: I can and will skip right past the whoozits and whatsits.

Lieberman didn’t win a single primary or caucus, dropping out in early February 2004.

Meanwhile, The Onion was dismayed or confused (or both) by Arnold Schwarzenegger’s gubernatorial victory. The front-page photo “Schwarzenegger Elected First Horseman Of The Apocalypse” feels overwrought, considering pro wrestler Jesse Ventura had recently been a governor. Although being labeled “Conquest” isn’t so bad.

Meanwhile, “Schwarzenegger Victorious” asks people on the street what they think. The Onion references Ventura and Mary Carey, the former adult film star who finished 10th in the 2003 California recall.

I like this joke because it ignores Arnold’s other franchises, Terminator and the Conan films:

"At last, a political family that combines the remnants of the Camelot dynasty with the origins of the Predator franchise."

Molly Prather • Executive Secretary

Finally, “Bush Disappointed To Learn Chinese Foreign Minister Doesn't Know Karate” is fine, but everyone did “Bush is stupid” jokes back then. Bush did meet with Foreign Minister Li Zhaoxing in September 2003.

Area People doing Area Things

Gumaiba (far right) attempts to keep up with more talented performers at a March boundary dance.

I have my doubts about the cultural accuracy of “Tribesman Guilted Into Attending Friend's Boundary Dance.” Still, I like that The Onion takes a trope (wanting to duck your social obligations to friends) and puts it in an unusual setting.

"This is the last thing I need tonight," said Olene. "I had a really bad day. I'm beat from a long day of hunting, and I broke my favorite hongoia bone knife. All I want to do is kick back at home, maybe craft myself a new knife. Instead, I have to go out to Gumaiba's boundary dance. What a drag."

Ever since receiving a “hand-painted, bark invitation,” Olene’s been trying to dodge his friend and avoid committing to this social event — you know, like anyone would do with an obligation they don’t want to fulfill.

Olene and Gumaiba are childhood friends who have grown apart, and Gumaiba is also a bad dancer, making it uncomfortable for Olene, who doesn’t want “to lie, lest the ghosts of the dead strike me down.”

I really do enjoy this story, but these examples feel like The Onion wants to show you how much homework it did:

"Gum mentioned the time this dandaji warrior was pissed because he thought that I had slept with one of his wives," Olene said. "Gum brought up how he gave one of his own pigs to the guy to get me out of the bind. I've always been grateful to him for that, but using it to get me to come to his singsing seemed pretty low."

Olene resolves to “put in an appearance” at this boundary dance. This is an oddball article, but I do like all the American idioms in a wildly different context.

Other Area People items include:

• “Deep Down, Woman Knows She's Watching Entire Trading Spaces Marathon”: I forgot about this early reality TV show.

• “MacArthur Genius Grant Goes Right Up Recipient's Nose”: A great joke about this famous cash prize that has no strings attached. The recipient is real: Jim Yong Kim, future head of the World Bank. He’s a work hard/play hard sort of guy:

  • "Kim's efforts to eradicate drug-resistant strains of tuberculosis in Russian prisons and Peruvian ghettos amazed everyone—as did his appetite for top-grade cocaine.”

• “79-Year-Old Still Saving For Future”: This poor lady’s husband had a stroke 8 years ago.

• “God's Gift To Women Returned”: I love this joke — the classic “hit by a bus” resolution. Also, Kon Tiki Lounge is a real place in Tucson, Ariz.

Finally, “OutKast Universally Accepted” is perfectly timed — about 7 weeks after “Hey Ya!” was released. This image, however, is from a 2002 appearance on Jay Leno’s “Tonight Show.”

Were the infographics good?

“High Oil, Gas Prices” feels like a headline you can run every few years, especially in September/October, when the U.S. government releases its winter energy outlook.

The Hummer joke feels very early 2000s, but most of these jokes would still work in 2023. I think “Zenergy” is a joke, but many companies have that name today.

“Exchanging silken breeches and knee stockings for coarse woolen trousers when winter arrives” is my favorite joke out of a good bunch. I could have come up with “Getting oil out of whales, like in the good old days,” but never that joke.

“Top Novel Dedications” is also clever, I think. I’m exceptionally fond of “For Simon, but not Schuster.”

What columnists ran?

“No Prison Can Hold Me, As Long As I Have My Imagination” is a great parody of a common saying (usually sourced to Harry Houdini or shouted by comic book villains).

The Onion immediately sours your enthusiasm, as Terry Bodris notes he’s serving 60 years for fatally stabbing 3 old women. Bodris shares a few examples of how he can daydream and travel to any time or place he wants, often talking about the stray dog he once found and befriended.

Inevitably, even the imagination goes bad:

Here on the inside, I don't have a crew. My imagination is my best friend. A lot of guys pass the time lifting weights, playing dominoes, or sharing the mash Shanta makes in his cell. I don't need any of that. I just hop a train to fantasyland. I'm glad most of the prisoners steer clear of me. It leaves me with more time to brainstorm exciting new adventures. I can take a trip to any corner of the globe. I can go to the jungles of Africa, or I can build myself an igloo in the North Pole. I can even travel back in time to that sunny summer day at the stream, when I drowned the stray dog for barking too much.

From there, be warned: Terry relives his murders.

This is good writing, but wow. Not for everyone!

Our other column is “I'm A Diseased- And Deformed-Animal Lover!” At first, I thought The Onion was being too mean to Tricia McGory — somebody needs to care for sick and injured animals:

I'd never be so cruel as to turn away a stray dog, just because his care requires that I siphon fluid from his lungs with a plastic tube every four hours. If you only like animals that sport silky fur or have tongues, then you can't say you truly love animals. I love all of the earth's creatures—those with and without tapeworms.

Her animals include Muffin, a tumor-ridden guinea pig; Tripod, a 3-legged ferret; Señor Oink, an epileptic pot-bellied pig.

But The Onion has a twist in store. For one, Tricia is an animal hoarder. And she seems to have inadvertently tortured a roadkill deer by moving it to her porch — for a week:

I feel good knowing that, even though I couldn't save the deer, I kept him alive for almost a week. Larry thought we should put him out of his misery by running over his head with the pick-up. So much for that relationship! I dumped Larry, as soon as we unloaded the deer's carcass back at the same spot by the road where we first found him.

OK, maybe there are limits to animal do-goodery.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope is Aries, which resonates with me, having turned 40 this year.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.

What holds up best?

I know “Ex-Girlfriend Playing Virtua Fighter With Some Other Guy Now” is dated by all the PlayStation 2 references, but the concept is sound. I can easily imagine this story in 2023 with a different video game, TV show or musical artist — even a Twitch streamer or a podcaster.

This week’s columnists weren’t my favorites, but they also held up well.

What holds up worst?

This joke from “Schwarzenegger Victorious” is clever but feels like an overreaction. At best, it anticipates our society’s eagerness to call each other Nazis without hesitation.

"Who would have thought that a bad Austrian artist who's obsessed with the human physical ideal could assemble such a rabid political following?"

Sarah Jacobs • Lyricist

What would be done differently today?

“Study Finds Cable-TV Violence Leads To Network-TV Violence” would be updated for streaming, while you could swap Joe Lieberman for some other politician.

I wonder how The Onion would have covered Israel and Hamas in 2003 — a particularly violent year, as I’ve noted. Here’s the recent coverage.

Thank you

Thank you for subscribing and reading! Next week, The Onion remains confused and pessimistic about Schwarzenegger, continues to cover the CIA leak, and revisits that 2000s hot topic: genetically modified foods. See you then!

1. A week after this Onion issue, a lawsuit was filed against Sony and the makers of “Grand Theft Auto,” blaming them for a shooting. The game faced similar lawsuits in subsequent years.

2. “Moonlighting,” which is finally streaming, did a lot of 4th-wall breaking just like this. The Season 2 and Season 3 premieres are fine examples of this.