20 years ago, The Onion turned Us Weekly into Harper's magazine

The Onion mocks the Catholic Church, John Bolton, iPods and NASCAR. Plus, Jackie Harvey and Don Turnbee show up.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit June 29, 2005.

This is the final issue with Carol Kolb as editor in chief, at least according to The Onion’s masthead. You may also know Kolb from the post-9/11 article “Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake,” as the creative force behind The Onion’s late-2000s video efforts, and from writing episodes of TV shows such as “Brooklyn 99,” “Community,” “Review” and “Kroll Show.”

Kolb’s tenure produced some of my favorite years of The Onion, and it’s been a joy to re-review those issues. And that leads us to a programming note:

No newsletter for 2 weeks

The Onion took 2 weeks off in July 2005, and so will we. The next regular newsletter will be July 20, marking the 1st official issue with the return of Scott Dikkers as editor in chief.

If you’re new here, welcome! Please sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 26, the 248th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005 and today. There’s no archive of the 2015 issue page.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and pre-order his book on The Onion.¹

These front-page headlines are no longer online:²

• “Recently Discovered Egyptian Tomb Sure Smells Like Mummies”: Even in 2025, we keep finding new Egyptian tombs.

• “Cycle Of Violence Running Smoothly”

The 2005 website page also has a feature titled “Celebrity Focus,” which is a slideshow of old headlines.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

The Onion’s June 29, 2005, cover of Us Quarterly

“New Us Quarterly To Explore Celebrity Issues In More Depth” is a fantastic concept — the lowbrow celebrity gossip rag Us Weekly trying to reinvent itself as a highbrow, Harper’s-like journal.

But while researching this article, I stumbled upon something: The Onion didn’t originate the joke.³

The publishing veteran Andrew Hearst created a different version on his Panopticist blog more than 4 months earlier, as you can see immediately below:⁴

Andrew Hearst’s version from February 2005

Hearst’s magazine parodies received some media attention in 2005. In fact, on June 26, the New York Post mentioned the Us Weekly/Harper’s parody in its weekly “Hot List.”

When The Onion article came out 3 days later, Gawker connected the dots.

I’m surprised, but not because I think The Onion stole the joke. For one, I’m pretty sure Hearst and The Onion staff were familiar with each other. Why? Because he’s in the main photo of the 2001 Onion article “Non-Controversial Christ Painting Under Fire From Art Community.”

Furthermore, these parodies were widely noticed in NYC media circles, so somebody was bound to expand on the idea, as The Onion did.

Anyways, in 2005, Us Weekly was thriving under Janice Min’s editorial direction.⁵ But Min wants to reach a more erudite audience:

Min estimated that the first issue of Us Quarterly, slated to debut in August, will be 300 pages long. It will feature a thoughtful analysis of Lindsay Lohan’s troubles on the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded, a Michael Cunningham short story inspired by the TV season’s nastiest celebrity feuds, and a 20-page treatise from Oxford literary critic John Bayley mapping Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s romantic, midnight Malibu beach stroll.

Us Quarterly also features the Us Weekly staple “Fashion Police.” Here, The Onion pays further homage to Hearst by quoting Lewis Lapham, the longtime Harper’s editor:

In the first quarterly “Fashion Police,” an unflattering dress worn by Brittany Murphy united panel members, earning catcalls ranging from Fagatha Christie’s⁶ “Sin City had more color than this frumpy frock” to Lewis Lapham’s “This is the jejune raiment of imperial excess.”

Noted scholar Albert C. Wittingham joined Paris Hilton at an Us Quarterly panel discussion held at a Middlebury Writers' Seminar Sunday to discuss celebrity panty lines.

The Onion makes clear who it’s mocking:

“For regular Us readers who may have trouble picturing this new format, try to think of how, in a romance paperback, the words build into continuous paragraphs, and you have to read them all in order to know what is happening. That’s what Us Quarterly will look like.”

The Onion’s article has been cited a few times over the years, including by the Wall Street Journal and MediaPost.

The top story for June 29, 2005, is “Vatican Tightens Nocturnal Emissions Standards,” yet another Onion story from 2005 about the Catholic Church. Weirdly, new Pope Benedict XVI isn’t mentioned.

The joke here is simple: Let’s combine climate change concerns with Vatican purity on sexual matters:

“In the past 10 years, unholy emissions from young men have risen by 150 million cubic centimeters, releasing erotic-dream byproducts into the bedsheet environment,” Bertoli said. “The accumulation of pollutants from millions of individual violators around the world is having a devastating effect on the moral atmosphere.”

Vatican scientists believe the increase in emissions contributes to the Hothouse Effect, a steady rise in the overall temperature of the average Catholic male’s genitals.

I worked in newspapers from 2005-09, and the graphic above feels stylistically in line with newspaper infographics of the time.⁷ Also, credit to The Onion for coining the word “onanoncules.”

Known nocturnal emitter Chad Severson.

Other notes:

• Leviticus remains the gold standard for purity, although The Onion notes opposition to Clean Sheets Regulations — a play on President George W. Bush’s Clean Skies Initiative.

• A nun blames the influence of HBO and Sports Illustrated, as well as middle-schooler “Mary Antonioni, the busty brunette.”

• A purity board will regularly monitor laundry, outfitting young offenders with “Catholytic converters.”

Cardinal Antoni Bertoli

The Onion quotes real-life Cardinal Roger M. Mahony of Los Angeles, but it invents Cardinal Antoni Bertoli, seen above. The original 1998 photo is of Cardinal Camillo Ruini.

The Onion talks about babies

Oebrick and his possibly gay infant son Michael (inset).

The other body story is “New Dad Thinks Baby Might Be Gay,” which mocks parents, especially fathers, who panic about their teen or pre-teen son being gay. However, Joe Oebrick only needed 8 months to start worrying:

Among the many “small signs” that suggest that his son may be gay, Oebrick cited a home video in which the toddler crawls across the living-room carpet of the family’s suburban Scottsdale home, wiggling his hips from side to side.

“I don’t think it’s normal for a baby to move like that,” said Oebrick, wincing as the infant paused and flapped an arm in the air. “Don’t you think that’s a little strange?”

Other concerns about baby Michael include a love of bright colors, glitter and flowers, being picky with food and clothing.

The baby also has “a very weak handshake” and “cries like a baby.”

The Onion isn’t saying Oebrick is a monster. He vows to be there for his kids no matter what, especially since his dad was somewhat absent. But wow, is he clueless about babies!

The other baby mention is “Fifth Baby Barely Showered,” which might be more shocking in 2025 for someone having 5 children!⁸ This short article is set in Alcova, Wyo., which only has 34 residents.

Real-life people, places and things

In June 2005, Bush was struggling to win Senate confirmation for John Bolton as UN ambassador. The Onion asked people about “Bolton's UN Nomination.” My favorite response plays off one of the headshots The Onion used for many years:

"Some people say I look like John Bolton. You see the resemblance? No? It's the mustache."

Brian Dixon • Optician

You can’t view the headshots on today’s website, but check out the 2005 archived version.

Bush resorted to a recess appointment for Bolton on Aug. 1, 2005. Bolton resigned in December 2006 without ever being confirmed. You might remember him more recently as an ally-turned-foe of President Donald Trump.

Other jokes about real people or things include:

• “Rookie NASCAR Driver Gets Lost”: This is the #99 car driven in 2005 by Carl Edwards, who I mostly remember for his backflips after wins.

• “Dead iPod Remembered As Expensive”: We saw last week how The Onion assumed the iPod would be relevant in 2056. But here, we get multiple doomed technologies:

  • “[The iPod] AP356372 is survived by a BlackBerry.”

• “Block Of Commercials Charts The Who's Career Arc”: This article mentions the infamous “CSI: Miami” theme and real-life commercials for Hummer and Saab.

Area People doing Area Things

Veteran fast-food patron Don Turnbee.

“Food-Court Taco Bell Not As Good, Area Man Reports,” is about Don Turnbee, who finds the Millcreek Mall’s Taco Bell Express inferior to the regular Taco Bell he visits on Buffalo Road in Erie.

For some reason, multiple reporters are waiting to interview Turnbee about his struggles navigating the smaller food-court menu:

“I tried to add steak to something, and the girl got mad,” Turnbee said. “I guess maybe she was tired of people ordering stuff they didn’t have.”

Turnbee finally settled on a Combo Burrito and a large Pepsi, but said he found the burrito’s taste to be “kind of off.”

“[The Combo Burrito] wasn’t as good as normal,” Turnbee said. “I don’t know. The beef was crumbly, I guess.”

“It seemed dry,” he added.

There’s seemingly nothing Turnbee likes about the atmosphere, from the food court design and having to smell the other restaurants to the subpar condiments selection:⁹

Turnbee also found fault with the food court’s shared condiments counter, which lacked forks and hot sauce.

“I went without,” Turnbee said. “It seemed like too big a production to go all the way back to the Taco Bell and ask for hot sauce.”

In 2005, the mall was indisputably an American institution. And yet, a massive, irrevocable decline would soon begin. From 2007-2011, zero malls opened in the U.S.

As I argued earlier this year, 2005 marked an increased fracturing of 20th-century monoculture, which deeply affected how, when and where Americans spent their time. Malls were a big loser in this shift, especially when you add in the Great Recession, the real estate crisis and the later rise of e-commerce.

But for one more week, at least, we can enjoy Turnbee’s fast food adventures at the local mall.

A couple of fun Easter eggs on this article:

• I thought I recognized this guy! We most recently saw Turnbee in December 2004’s “Area Man Suspicious Of Wrap.” His most recent mention was in 2021, according to The Onion’s search.

• Millcreek Mall is a real mall in Erie, Pa., although this Flickr comments section suggests the food court didn’t exist until the late 2000s.

Other Area People jokes in this issue include:

• “MedicAlert Bracelet Iced Out”: The MedicAlert people took this to heart, as you can buy 14-karat gold bracelets today.

• “Fellow Cheerleaders Rally Cheer Of Support For Recently Raped Teammate”: The football player/perpetrator received a one-game suspension.

• “Man Cites Nature As Inspiration For Random Cruelty”: The Onion was in a mood, apparently!

Were the infographics good?

“Alternative Summer Camps” is an impressive list of richly detailed and very flawed summer camps.

The most relevant joke today is probably “Camp Connection: Where each child is given a laptop and set free in a wireless-enabled forest setting,” although you’d probably change “laptop” to “iPhone.”

I grew up reading presidential biographies, so “Lesser-Known Presidential Nicknames” delights me. “Ol' Bossy Boots (Andrew Jackson)” is easily my favorite joke.

Also, President Chester A. Arthur is a surprisingly interesting president.

What columnists ran?

Onion entertainment columnist Jackie Harvey returns with “I'm In The Throes Of Summer Movie Madness!” As usual, Harvey gets some of the details wrong while doing his best Larry King impression.

This is a window into 2005 pop culture, including forgotten box-office hits like “Fever Pitch” and “Monster-In-Law,” the latter starring Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda — or, as Harvey calls them, “J. Lo and J. Fo.”

Harvey didn’t actually see “Fever Pitch,” instead viewing “The Sisterhood Of The Raveling Pants.”

The most important cultural event from this Harvey column? “Batman Again,” his mangling of “Batman Begins.” This film resurrected the “Batman” franchise and contributed to seemingly every movie franchise receiving a gritty reboot over the past 20 years.

Harvey has some thoughts:

Batman Again takes place years before the previous Batfilms, so Bruce Wayne doesn’t look anything like George Clooney, and his nipples are smaller. Besides that, Liam Nissan reprises his role as the wizened guru Qui-Ginn from Star Wars.

There’s also this truly bizarre malapropism:

It’s a shame actor Caesar Romeo, who played TV’s Batman, wasn’t alive to see the new movie. He died recently, his lungs riddled with cancer. Go softly into that good night, Mr. Romeo.

Harvey is thinking of Frank Gorshin, who played The Riddler on the TV show and died of lung cancer on May 17, 2005. Caesar Romero was the Joker, and he died in 1994.

Harvey also comments on real-life gossip, including:

• A paparazzo who crashed into Lindsay Lohan’s car in June 2005

• Paris Hilton’s engagement to a man named Paris.

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s affair on “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.”

Our other columnist is “I Must Regretfully Decline Your Invitation To Appear In Court On July 28,” in which Shane M. Ridenhauer writes to the Court Clerk in Wapello County, Iowa.

This is sort of a Victorian-era letter, filled with rhetorical flourishes and mentions of “gentleman.” For instance, instead of saying, “I don’t have reliable transportation,” we get this:

The first of these matters is the distressing state in which I find my automobile. Were she only roadworthy, she would carry me to the scheduled proceedings with alacrity. Alas, her undercarriage blooms with cancerous expanses of rust. Her engine wheezes and coughs like an asthmatic hound. And from beneath her issues an ominous black puddle, which portends a failing transmission, a cracked block, or worse. I fear that to operate her would be to put my very life in peril!

This is a fun read, even if you know exactly where it’s heading.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Libra for this amusing scenario:

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You try to keep an open mind, but you're pretty sure there's no way that a damn cat could have helped solve over 30 capital crimes.

There’s also a dig at Duluth, Minn., which is in the long tradition of the Wisconsin-bred Onion mocking Minnesota.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“New Us Quarterly To Explore Celebrity Issues In More Depth” is still a brilliant idea, even if you’d need to update all the references.

“Man Cites Nature As Inspiration For Random Cruelty” also feels timeless, but for worse reasons.

What holds up worst?

There’s nothing wrong with “Block Of Commercials Charts The Who's Career Arc.” But it feels like the hardest joke to explain to someone under 30.

What would be done differently today?

This issue is relatively light on politics, which is certainly not The Onion’s approach right now. Note its recent print issue and New York Times advertisement chastising Congress.

On the other hand, jokes in the style of “Dead iPod Remembered As Expensive” and “Cycle Of Violence Running Smoothly” feel very current, even if you’d need to update “iPod” for some newer technology.

Thank you

I appreciate all of you for being here. I’m looking forward to a couple weeks off so I can have my birthday, travel a little and sleep more.

I might send an update between now and July 20, but if nothing else, see you then!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. The Onion’s new news ticker is featuring many of these once-lost one-liners. These headlines appear to be among them, given this broken URL and this one.

3. Kind readers have previously informed me of missed references to Mike Birbiglia and Eric Wareheim, so I’m just happy I spotted something first!

4. I love that the joke “Orlando’s Back On The Market” also applies in June 2005, given his breakup with Katy Perry.

5. Though not without controversy! In mid-June 2005, Us Weekly agreed to stop running “reckless” paparazzi photos.

6. The Onion also mentioned Fagatha Christie in March 2002’s “Denver Optometrist Not Sure Why He Has Gay Cult Following.”

7. Finding old news graphics online is really difficult, but here are examples from USA Today (2005), The New York Times (2005) and The Washington Post (2006).

8. The share of American women having even 4 children declined from 40% in 1976 to 15% in 2016, according to Pew.

9. My favorite story from the March 7, 2001, issue involved Turnbee’s ketchup packets.