20 years ago, The Onion profiled the Six Flags Killer

The Onion also name-checks Lennon Parham, reports on a despised 4th-grader, shares Larry Groznic's latest column, and much more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Sept. 3, 2003.

In a perfect world, I’d write these columns days or weeks ahead of time, but this week, I wrote most of it on a plane or in a hotel room. So … we’ll see how that goes!

If you’re new here, welcome! Sign up for more of this in your inbox each Sunday.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 39, Issue 34, the 161st new Onion issue of the 2000s. There’s no archive of the 2003 website once again. Here’s what the website looked like in 2013 and today.

The front-page headlines “Woman Never Making Recipe From Back Of Gatorade Bottle Again” and “Bush Calls Front Seat” are no longer online. I’m desperately hoping Gatorade never actually had recipes on the label.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Police launch a search of the Yukon Territory.

“'Six Flags Killer' Still At Large, Say Souvenir-Bedecked Police” is a smart, funny skewering of the classic small-town killer who police can’t seem to catch, only with all the spectacle of Six Flags parks as the backdrop.

The Onion loves making fun of Six Flags, including June 2023’s “56 Dead At New Six Flags Fire Park.” So I suspect this is just The Onion wanting to satirize murder mysteries in the silliest possible setting — an amusement park — and that there’s no tie-in to real-life 2003 events.

I’m not an amusement park enthusiast and have never been to Six Flags, so I played catch-up with this one. If you’re a Six Flags fan, let me know whether you liked this article!

This section illustrates the satire well:

"We started our search in Yukon Territory and fanned out to Yankee Harbor and Orleans Place," Moynihan said. "We've got a whole squad on the Sky Trek Tower. If anything suspicious happens, we'll be sure to see it from our vantage point on the bridge by Splash Water Falls."

"I urge the public to cooperate with any officers forced to butt in line," Moynihan added, as he shifted his grip on a three-foot-tall, plush Bugs Bunny. "It's a lot of ground to cover in one day, as you all know.

A police sketch of the suspected "Six Flags Killer."

Among the victims are the Fiddler’s Fling ride operator and an employee dressed as Wile E. Coyote.

Also, this small police department doesn’t have the funding to pay for Six Flags’ exorbitant pricing:

"We've been trying to stay within a budget," Moynihan said. "You'd think that once you paid admission, you'd be covered. But then there's parking, souvenirs, and game tickets. And food here is outrageous. Ten dollars for a burger and a Coke? If we didn't have to keep a constant presence in the park, our officers never knowing when or where the killer might strike next, we'd probably bring a cooler full of sandwiches and eat in the parking lot."

This is, sadly, a mostly forgotten Onion story. I only found one mention online — from a 2013 MetaFilter commenter.

The Onion continued its summer of stories about African countries with “Tanzania Loses Name To Tanning-Salon Chain.” The Florida Supreme Court issued the ruling, but unlike the 2000 U.S. presidential election, they won’t be overturned.

The United Republic of Tanzania, formed in 1964 from the union of African nations Tanganyika and Zanzibar, predates the tanning-salon chain, which opened its first store in Tampa in 1982. Nevertheless, after fewer than two weeks in court, the State of Florida granted legal rights to the name to Tanzania Salons founder and CEO Jerry Yeltzer.

"It was easy to establish that my client's company had a greater vested interest in the Tanzania brand name," said Yeltzer's lawyer, Ben Knowles. "Tanzania, the salon chain, is a rapidly growing business, adding nearly 50 locations each year. Tanzania, the African nation, is lanquishing under a debt of $7 billion."

This story is well-written, and I like the premise of the country being at fault instead of the tanning salon that couldn’t bother learning geography. But the story is also dated. Tanning salons are still a big business but aren’t thriving (or novel) like they once were. And The Onion, again, making fun of a random African country feels like a very 1990s joke.

One of four Tampa-area Tanzanias.

Why does the tanning salon have this wild font above? It’s a cross between Toys "R" Us and a ransom note.

Anyways, the tanning salon is especially cruel, filing an additional lawsuit against the African country for damages — apparently, simply existing caused reputational damage to the salon. Meanwhile, the country has bigger problems:

"We're in the right, but we simply didn't have the resources to assemble our case," [President Benjamin] Mkapa said. "Our government is dealing with an AIDS epidemic affecting an estimated 800,000 people and food shortages caused by this season's erratic rainfall. Also, I must admit, we didn't realize we might actually lose our name to a chain of tanning salons in Florida."

The Onion covers real-life news

There’s no news about Iraq this week, and the only George W. Bush mention is the front-page headline “Bush Calls Front Seat,” but there was plenty of real-life news.

“The Shuttle Columbia Report” was the official response to the space shuttle disaster earlier in 2003. “Stop blaring Europe’s ‘The Final Countdown’ across the pad on launch days” makes me laugh, maybe because it’s something “Arrested Development” stole immediately for the G.O.B. character in November 2003.

I also appreciate the Pharrell joke and the one about the lack of NASA men in short-sleeved white shirts and crewcuts, which readers in 2003 would have remembered from “Apollo 13.”

“High U.S. Incarceration Rates” asks people on the street about the fact that 1 in 37 Americans is locked up.¹

Responses include the obligatory “USA! USA! USA!” chant, a note about “tough on crime” tactics, and this:

"But that can't be. I easily know 37 people and… Oh, wait. I forgot my stint for vehicular homicide in the '80s. Never mind."

Lennon Parham • Underwriter

Lennon Parham is a longtime actor and improv comic who I believe was part of Upright Citizens Brigade by 2003.

Other real-life news includes:

• “Jerky Boys Accidentally Prank-Call Last Remaining Fan”: The Onion loved including videostore employees in early 2000s stories. This one recognizes the Jerky Boys immediately.²

• “Hope Fades For Survivors In 1999 Turkish Earthquake”: This was a real earthquake that killed roughly 18,000 people.

Area People Doing Area Things

Miss Grant's fourth-grade class, including the hated Halcote (circled).

“Entire Fourth-Grade Class Hates Jeremy Halcote” is a funny premise that feels very real, and that’s also what makes it kind of sad to read.

Halcote doesn’t seem like the most fun or dazzling child, nor does it appear he does much schoolwork, but you’d think he tried to burn the school down!

"The popular kids, the brains, even the bad kids who spend noon hour behind the groundskeeper's shed—they all hate that little pig," Indiana University sociologist Marian Newcomb told reporters Tuesday. "The consensus? Jeremy Halcote is just plain gross."

A note classmates presented to Halcote Monday.

There are many accounts of fourth-graders who have had unpleasant encounters with the antisocial and frequently sick Halcote. Even the sociologist gives up, saying she doesn’t care “whether Halcote's eccentric behavior results from or is the reason for his ostracism.”

This is remarkably well-written; maybe that’s why it feels too real. Most of us don’t want to think about whether we were too mean or inattentive to the outsiders in our classes, much less with pride for excluding them!

Also, the elementary school is named after John Tyler, the ineffectual pre-Civil War president-turned-traitor.

“New Roommate Has Lots Of Big Redecorating Ideas” portrays a new roommate, Dave Beckman, who has some decent ideas about making the apartment nicer, but goes too far.

For instance, replacing a wobbly-legged coffee table? Great. Painting rooms in a rental? Why? Also, the color:

"Dave painted the bathroom orange," Linkater said. "We were fine with it, because he bought the paint and did all the work, but now he wants to paint all the rooms. He keeps saying, 'If we all pitch in, we can get it done in a weekend.' Yeah, that's true, but I don't want to waste a whole Saturday painting the stupid apartment."

The other roommates have their own hang-ups, like preferring to “stick a piece of plywood under the cushions” of the couch rather than get a lightly used one for only $75(!).

Beckman’s fatal mistake might be trying to control what his roommates do, not just the decor:

"Every Tuesday, Andrew and I get takeout from Szechwan Gardens and watch horror movies," Linkater said. "At first, Dave thought it was fun, but the last two times, he suggested we try this new Cajun place. We've been getting Szechwan Gardens for two years. Why would we switch?"

"He can put candles on the end tables and hang posters of French movies in the bathroom all he wants, but you don't fuck with tradition," Linkater added.

I didn’t have roommates after college, and articles like this make me feel better about it.

Other Area People stories include:

• “Hog Executed Farmland Style”: This made me laugh. Great wordplay. “Given the meticulous but brutal nature of the killing, Angrim said he believes the hog was ‘taken out by a professional.’”

• “Suburbanite Shocked By Poor Condition Of Urban Mall”: This is a good headline cleverly masking class warfare. This Houston mall exists in 2023 but has been renamed and rebranded.

• “State Appoints Obviously Hungover Attorney”: This doesn’t feel that unrealistic? Surely, many accused people get hungover public defendants.

Finally, these front-page headlines both amused me.

“Bird’s Nest 65 Percent Cigarette Butts” is tragic but accurate!

“Local Band Finds Great Photo For Flier” makes me laugh because it’s so accurate, even today! Local bands love quirky photos!

Were the infographics good?

“How Are We Organizing The Closet?” is a nice collection of one-liners. “Promoting most-deserving stuffed animals” is my favorite, although I also like the illustration of the brick wall being laid.

The other infographic is “America's Best Zoo Exhibits,” which is a long list of exactly that. These jokes are OK? They’re really random. Sometimes, that’s good (“Snakes: Somewhere In This Room!” and “Hamm's Bear Cardboard Stand-Ups Behind Bars”) and sometimes not so much (“Kanga-Roofied”).

What columnists ran?

“I'll Thank You Not To Call My Collection Of Sequential-Art Erotica 'Dirty Comics'“ is the return of Larry Groznic, the man who has chastised a friend from not learning Elvish and whose mention of “Yoda’s penis” has generated surprising SEO traffic for this newsletter. (Editor’s note: That wasn’t a Groznic column, as pointed out in the comments.)

Look, we're not in a great place any time an early 2000s Internet message board devolves into accusations of onanism. Groznic’s defense doesn’t help :

Although it may come as news to you, there is a long tradition of sequential artworks in celebration of the human love-act. The works in my collection are borne out of this tradition, and exist far afield from the base pornography you referred to in your posting of Tuesday.³

Groznic, like every erotica defender, notes that “breathtaking depictions of the female form are considered high art in Europe.” He also says his accuser doesn’t even know Justice League well, much less these complex comics.

At least some of these works are real, like — I can’t believe this — “the moving tale of an anthropomorphic cat's personal journey into sexual discovery, Reed Waller and Kate Worley's Omaha The Cat Dancer.”

Groznic blocks his adversary on instant messaging and demands the return of his copy of “Doctor Who: The Key To Time.”

Meanwhile, “Living Out Of Your Car Is A Dying Art” feels very informational. I mean, I want to hear from a guy who’s “lived in nine different homes and 14 different cities” over 20 years.

The joke here is that Howard "Howie" Dassle writes about living out of your car like it was a declining cultural community, a la bowling leagues or the Elks Lodge.

Used to be, even the young upstarts knew better than to just pull over to the curb and pass out in the driver's seat. If you do that, some cop is bound to see you and feel obligated to check your vital signs. There's a subtle science to picking a good lot to camp out in. People today don't seem to understand that.

The “living out of cars” community no longer helps each other out. No, they’re looking out only for No. 1. Nor do they have the right equipment (napkins, Q-tips, bolt-cutter, etc.). And, worse still, they don’t maintain their living quarters:

I've been in some of the cars they "live" in. I couldn't believe what I saw. One guy put his cigarette butts in the same coffee can he peed in. Have you ever smelled a cigarette that was put out in pee? That'll rank up your upholstery faster than anything. And what happens if you bring a Waffle House waitress back to that smell? She ain't staying the night, that's for sure.

I want an interview with one of these Waffle House waitresses!

The column even ends with a wistful tone:

Guess I'd better move over to the right lane, because it looks like my kind is driving into the sunset.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week was Pisces. Wow, what a world this would be:

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Everything you've ever believed will be called into question when it turns out that Cap'n Crunch is a real guy.

What holds up best?

I’m guessing a lot of “'Six Flags Killer' Still At Large, Say Souvenir-Bedecked Police” is still relevant, but I’m just guessing.

I really like “How Are We Organizing The Closet?” and it still feels relevant. Missing a Marie Kondo joke, maybe, but that’s it.

What holds up worst?

“Hope Fades For Survivors In 1999 Turkish Earthquake” solely because, well, it’s a 24-year-old earthquake most people (unfortunately) didn’t realize happened in 1999, much less 2003.

What would be done differently today?

The Onion of 2023 would always have more coverage of the president and leading political issues. There’d be more sports, if only because The Onion in 2003 had zero sports mentions most weeks.

I’m not saying this is better. I’d read 500 Six Flags stories before the current top story on The Onion’s website as I write this — “Conservatives Explain Why Women Should Have More Babies.” It’s just a slideshow of random opinions!

Thank you

Glad to have y’all here. Next week, we’ll look at the witness protection program, foreign policy and Dad’s best imitations. See you then!

1. We still incarcerate many people compared with other countries, but the rate appears to have declined since 2003.

2. "Arrested Development” occasionally mentioned the Jerky Boys around 2004-05, with Michael Cera’s character finding them funny.

3. This column, I hope, isn’t a reference to the late Paul Reubens, who had a large collection of vintage erotica and was arrested in late 2002 for the collection allegedly containing images of underage people — the case is very complex and full of wildly different versions of the truth. Reubens was mostly exonerated in court and in the public eye.