20 years ago, The Onion discussed Yoda's ... hidden features
We also learn about stereotypes, Diet Vanilla Coke, the 2002 Georgia Senate race, West Nile virus, and much more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Aug. 14, 2002.
This was a fun issue to read, with lots of things I forgot about, like the existence of Diet Vanilla Coke. If you’re new here, please sign up!
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 29, the 112th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.
The tremendous front-page headline “Groceries Consumed In Reverse Order Of Healthiness” is no longer online. I’ve been on my own this week, and let me tell you, the grocery shopping list really changes when it’s just you.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
U.S. Senate races in Georgia have played a major role in electoral politics the past couple of years. 20 years ago today, “Millionaire Vows To Do For Government What He Did For Turkey Ranches” explores a fictional Republican candidate’s messaging.
This story is fascinating 20 years later because it’s basically the messaging any businessperson-turned-politician uses, regardless of party (Mike Bloomberg is just one example).
Hoyt Mullins is more literal than most businessmen:
"I didn't expand my turkey enterprise into a 26-ranch operation by wasting money on a bunch of bureaucratic nonsense. In this current economy, our nation needs to cut out the fat. Cut it out, process it, can it, and sell it as gravy."
This Onion story is based on real events. A rancher did run in the 2002 GOP Senate primary in Georgia, losing to Saxby Chambliss, who won the November election.1 In this article, Chambliss is Mullins' main rival.
Mullins is criticized by Chambliss for lacking political experience. But Mullins argues he has the most experience:
In my life, I've been a truck driver, a warehouse manager, a car salesman, an auto mechanic, an accountant, a ditch digger, a chicken plucker, and a shit shoveler. If that don't qualify me to run this country, I don't know what does."
The Onion really nailed this one. The story’s not as funny in 2022, perhaps, but it’s damn accurate.
The other political story this week is “Lie-Detector Tests For Congress,” which is also shockingly relevant for 2022 in that the FBI and Congress are butting heads. The FBI was investigating leaks of 9/11-related information.
The Onion asked people what they thought, and this is my favorite:
"I only support lie-detector tests for lawmakers if the questions are funny and embarrassing."
John Pulliam • Forklift Operator
Other real-life people in The Onion
I wish “Nation's Economic Recovery Hinging On Success Of Diet Vanilla Coke” were a longer story, because there’s tremendous potential here. The Onion already had classic cola stories like “Ad Industry Veterans Honored With Cola War Memorial” and “Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size.”
I was also glad to see Onion favorite Alan Greenspan, who says America’s economy depends on Diet Vanilla Coke:
"We had hoped that Pepsi Blue or Dr. Pepper Red Fusion would stem the tide, but consumers have not responded in sufficient numbers."
As far as I can tell, Diet Coke Vanilla was a sugar-free variety that was discontinued in 2005, although Coke still makes other vanilla beverages.
“Fake-A-Wish Foundation Introduces Dying Child To Brett Favre Lookalike”: This is a really stupid joke, but I applaud The Onion for committing to the bit that everything is fake. There’s also a quote from Fake-A-Wish President Dean Pivarnik that talks about a child meeting “Milky Mouse,” which I don’t even want to imagine.
“Pope Wins Host-Eating Contest” is also silly, but I am so delighted by it. Real-life July 4 hot dog contest champion Takeru Kobayashi2 is defeated by Pope John Paul II, There’s also this quote: “Said third-place finisher Eric ‘Badlands’ Booker: ‘Hey, that's why he's pope.’”
“Sixth-Grader's Family Tree Fails To Hold Up To Scrutiny”: I love that this Maryland kid is trying to say he’s both a descendant of Cal Ripken Jr. and Vin Diesel. (The Onion was on the Diesel bandwagon very early.)
Area People doing Area Things
“Wedding Enjoyed By No One But Bride,” like the Georgia Senate story, could be the headline of a non-satirical story. But the wedding story feels more timeless because it’s about human nature and the artificial setting of a wedding reception.
The New Rochelle (N.Y.) Country Club is the venue for this $200,000 wedding. This is a subtle joke, but I love that this wedding is set in a bedroom community outside New York City.
We get all the notes of an expensive, awkward wedding. Men and women in the wedding party are unhappy or unsure why they were invited. The bridesmaid dresses are unflattering. The father laments the money spent and drinks heavily. Even a wedding magazine editor says "Most people don't enjoy weddings—why would they?"
The brilliant coda to this story is about the bride’s mother:
The mother of the bride, traditionally the only other person capable of having a good time at a wedding, was not in attendance, as she died three years ago in a gruesome motorboat accident.
“Police Interruption Hastily Written Into Student Film” is a very 2000s Onion story: set at a college, white nerds hijinks-style interactions with cops, a gratuitous reference to Robert Altman3. None of this is bad!
University of Tennessee sophomore Eric Draper has now made 2 films where he turned interruptions into major plot points. In this one, he finds a way to use a police officer interrupting his actor dressed as a devil:
During a brainstorming session held that night at a local Denny's, co-producers Haligan and Draper decided to write an expository scene establishing that the officer is "the symbolic embodiment of the world's evil, a man who could even charge an alcoholic demon with disturbing the peace."
This story is dated in some ways, but it’s a fun journey, so who cares? It’s also impressive that Draper is making these films with ancient camcorders and “an iMac with a bootleg copy of Final Cut Pro 3.”
We also hear about a 2nd cop stopping them from setting off fireworks, as well as a movie called “Crushed” that was changed to “Beachball” after a beach ball wandered into the shot.
“American Teen Somehow Developing Unhealthy Attitude Toward Sex” is dated in a few ways, mostly that a teenager in 2022 would be learning about sex primarily from school-based health class, magazines and teen-centered movies like “American Pie.”4
The Onion waltzes right passed the outlandish premise that most American teens have a healthy view of sex. This is good, because we get this fantastic quote from Andrew Zollner’s perplexed father:
"I don't know how he got these thoughts into his head," the elder Zollner said. "I've always tried to make sure he has a healthy interest in girls. I try to point out the best-looking ones to him, in real life as well as in those Victoria's Secret catalogs. I also give him lots of encouragement, telling him he's going to be quite a stud someday. And just to show him I'm not uptight, I josh him about the girls he's dated, asking him what 'base' he got to. If he has any specific questions about sex, I make sure to send him to his mother, who's better at explaining this stuff."
"My son is a nice boy," said Grace Zollner, Andrew's mother.
Poor Andrew. These are the characters I want The Onion to revisit decades later.
Other Area People stories include:
“Woman With Shitty Job Her Own Boss”: I laughed at this as someone who’s been working a lot of freelance. But that was entirely my choice, and I don’t have to go door-to-door for a fake version of Avon.
“Buddy System Responsible For Additional Death” is one of the great Onion front-page one-liners. It’s morbid, but it’s not about real people!
“8-Month-Old Sick Of Staring At Pooh's Smug Face All Day”: This is also very good. The photo is of a smug-looking baby, for what it’s worth.
Were the infographics good?
Remember when health crises like “The West Nile Virus” were relatively nothing?
These jokes are pretty fun — a nice mix of totally silly or making a somber point. (Brendan Fraser and “The Mummy” were another Onion go-to reference.)
And the cane toad reference is just science — they’ve been introduced in many regions as a form of pest control, including mosquitoes, although the toads themselves can become invasive.
I thought “How Are We Justifying Our Behavior?” was amusing, if not hilarious. I suppose you could read these one-liners and say, “But these aren’t jokes, these are facts!” That’s OK, too.
Also, that Van Halen cassette reference. My God, is this 1989?
What columnists ran?
This was a great week for the columnists.
“Don't Tell Me You've Never Wondered What Yoda's Penis Looks Like” is not a headline I was expecting!
Because it’s 2002, columnist Tony Waltman is quick to reassure readers that they aren’t gay for wondering (he assumes, perhaps correctly, that only men are reading). It’s so natural to wonder about Yoda’s penis, in fact, that Waltman quickly rattles off 13 questions about its qualities.
Waltman’s a pervert, right? But he tries to outflank this criticism by saying you’re the weirdo:
You're telling me that when we first saw fellow Jedi Council member Yaddle, you just saw a female member of Yoda's species and not the beginning of a new story arc that could potentially provide a perfect opportunity to show Yoda naked? Man, you're even more repressed than I thought.
It’s easy to make fun of “Star Wars” but difficult to do it this well. This Onion story could be written today with only a few details changed.
Our other column is yet another really strong headline: “Stereotypes Are A Real Time-Saver.” The byline on this column is “Wallace Rickard, Privileged White Male.” That “occupation” is a joke then and now, but it was just a throwaway joke then. Now, not so much.
God, this article is clever. The Onion expects readers to disagree with these detailed and illogical stereotypes, but the trap is that you recognize the stereotypes.
This type of humor writing isn’t for beginners — any amateur satirist would be better off, say, making fun of Yoda’s penis or weddings.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope is Gemini, which has sort of a “Back to the Future” reference:
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The dangers of time travel become all too real when you meet your new boyfriend's parents and discover they come from the year 1956.
“Back to the Future” involves traveling back to 1955, but let’s not quibble. For reference, setting this movie in 2022 would have Michael J. Fox travel back to 1992, where I guess Fox would play “Lump” by The Presidents of the United States of America as the big music number.
What holds up best?
“Millionaire Vows To Do For Government What He Did For Turkey Ranches” is basically a Politico campaign story. It’s eerie.
What holds up worst?
The last sentence in this quote from “Wedding Enjoyed By No One But Bride” from “noted therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum.” It’s kind of weird — all straight men hate their wedding receptions? — and it’s a tough joke to deliver. Maybe the late Norm MacDonald could deliver this joke and get a laugh.
"For men, trepidation about marriage is common," Wasserbaum said. "And a total lack of interest in the details of a wedding reception is more common still, even among those who marry willingly. As for the small handful of grooms who actually enjoy their wedding receptions, I'd say most of them are latently gay."
What would be done differently today?
This is a really, really strong issue. There are a couple very 1990s/early 2000s “gay” references that aren’t how people talk now (even anti-gay forces in 2022 don’t consider it a joking matter, after all!). And most of the stories with older references could be updated (Brett Favre for Aaron Rodgers, for instance).
Thank you
This was a lot of fun, and I hope you’ve enjoyed it, too. Check out the links, please. We’ll see you next week.
The general election featured Chambliss’ infamous attack ad against triple-amputee Sen. Max Cleland.
Kobayashi has been surpassed by Joey Chestnut in competitive eating, but in 2003, he was such a celebrity that he was on a ludicrous Fox special “Man vs. Beast,” where he lost a hot dog eating content to a Kodiak bear. This is one of my most vivid college memories for some reason.
Altman was referenced in Onion stories at least once in 2000 and 2001, and twice in 2002 (so far). “Every Single Thing Reminds Altman Buff Of Altman Film” is probably the best one.
"American Pie” is not a good movie, but it’s probably hard to overstate how talked about it was. More influential on its target audience than almost any singular piece of media could be today.