20 years ago, The Onion talked bar trivia jerks, God's floods and Robert Blake
Also, The Onion of 2022 got its photos back!
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit May 1, 2002.
I’ve written several times about how The Onion’s corporate owner deleted the photos and infographics from The Onion and many other sites. That, thankfully, has been remedied, at least for The Onion. This also means, I think, that columnists have had their bylines and headshots restored.
I’ve basically been a historian re-creating The Onion the past 6 months, which is fine! But I’m glad we can visit the full articles and see the images again.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 16, the 102nd Onion issue of the 2000s and the 101st issue of new content.
Once again, there’s no record of the website from when this issue published. We do have the 2012 version and today’s site.
The front-page headline “Wax Head Hastily Reattached By Night Janitor” is no longer online, and I wish it were an entire article.
There were 2 front-page photos with headlines in this issue. One reminds us that “bling-bling” was a phrase some people used, and the other is about the real-life story of Saddam Hussein (and others) rewarding families of suicide bombers.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
This week, we revisit a lot of things you probably haven’t thought about in 20 years, like Robert Blake’s murder trial, the actor Paul Lynde, George W. Bush’s first secretary of agriculture and more.
The Israeli-Palestinian conflict was particularly newsworthy in early 2002 for The Onion and the real-life media. Violence was high despite high-profile diplomatic meetings involving neighboring countries and Colin Powell.
“God Re-Floods Middle East” is a fairly tame Onion effort, to me. Writing in the voice of God sounds really fun, but it’s also the easy way out. Still, this is well-written, and The Onion adds intrigue by having God break his own promise about flooding the Earth and then having his PR team claim it was a technicality.
Speaking on behalf of the Lord, an unnamed, non-denominational representative of Heaven said: "God only promised humanity that He would never again flood the entire Earth. He never said He wouldn't flood specific areas."
Former President Jimmy Carter is surprisingly unsympathetic, perhaps angry that his many years of peace efforts were in vain:
But God, in His infinite wisdom, realized that it just isn't worth it anymore, and that the best thing to do is cut His losses, drown the whole lot of them, and start fresh once the raging waters subside."
How funny or memorable is this story today? I mean, God wiping his hands clean of everyone can feel cathartic, but it’s not particularly insightful. My favorite part is probably the robust PR team that God has. An emailed press release is nothing compared to your message getting “delivered by seraphim and cherubim acting as His earthly agents.”
In the May 1, 2002, issue, The Onion also wades into other current events while trying out a couple of random references to real-life people. Queen Elizabeth was celebrating 50 years on the throne around this time, and we’re still celebrating her anniversaries in 2022.
These jokes are OK. I like the idea of glass-fogging to show proof of life, and the joke about Elizabeth’s reign coinciding with Britain’s long decline is probably the most truthful.
Also in the news in April/May 2002 was “Baretta” actor Robert Blake. He had recently been arrested and charged with killing his wife, and so The Onion asked people what they thought.
We get several common reactions to the Blake case, such as Blake being the new O.J. Simpson and “wait, Robert who?”
“Baretta” had already been off the air for 24 years, and so I had to Google references like Fred the cockatoo (who was stolen in 1990 but later found alive).
My favorite is this case of mistaken identity:
"As the man himself said, 'Some are born to sweet delight, some are born to endless night.' I'm sorry—I thought we were talking about William Blake."
Andrea Stennett • Optometrist
Other real-life references included:
“Secretary Of Agriculture Gently Reminded About Dress Code”: This is a weird joke about Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman’s1 clothes that feels vaguely like a code for “lesbian,” but The Onion doesn’t commit either way. The Onion has a long history of jokes about agriculture secretaries, including “Obama Finally Tells Rambling Tom Vilsack To Shut The Fuck Up During Cabinet Meeting.”
“TV Guide Channel Tops Nielsens” reminds us how much TV has changed, largely because of the internet. Real-life Variety editor Peter Bart is quoted within.2
“Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter's Friends”: Paul Lynde was occasionally mentioned by The Onion (such as in a July 2000 horoscope). It’s no surprise Bob Ammons’ kids didn’t understand the reference. Ammons tries to reference Hollywood Squares, to no avail, and ends the story staring at his reflection and “the crow's feet developing around his eyes.”
Children doing Things
“Teen Sex Linked To Drugs And Alcohol, Reports Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things” is another example of an Onion template — the news article about important research that turns out to be absurd.
Of course, in real life, teens are doing less drinking and smoking and having less sex, but I doubt in 2002 anyone would have thought prim-and-proper teens would make this story obsolete.
The article is mostly jokes about the obvious connection between substance use and lowered inhibitions. We even get a bit of an anthropological lesson:
"Teens are not only having sex drunk or high, but they're also getting drunk or high to increase their chances of having sex," Eckersley said. "Interestingly, we found that this phenomenon also occurs among adults, as well as among every population everywhere in the world that has ever existed since the dawn of time."
Occasionally, the obvious turns out to be wrong, such as a 1963 study about sugar giving children’s "growing bodies the pep and energy they need."
The other tidbit that’s particularly interesting to me is this section:
To help spread word of its findings, the Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things sent a TelePrompTer-ready press release to more than 400 local TV-news affiliates across the U.S.
Local TV news is infamous for repeating the same stories, often with the same exact wording, as part of coordinated PR pushes. Conan O’Brien, hardly an investigative journalist, used to mock these regularly.
“Slumber-Party Confession Comes Back To Haunt Fourth Grader” is a great, if sad, tale of the intricate politics of grade school. Amber Prentiss wanted to have a slumber party and didn’t plan to invite former friend Jessica Casper, but their moms are friends and so Amber was forced to extend an invitation.
Truth or Dare is played at this party, and I admittedly was concerned about how The Onion would portray this game with 10-year-olds. While tame, this game goes poorly for Jessica, who is too trusting of her classmates when naming her crush. In response, (seemingly) the entire school hears about it and makes fun of her.
The Onion asks a psychiatrist to weigh in, and her answer is surprisingly similar to the findings of “Teen Sex Linked To Drugs And Alcohol, Reports Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things”:
"When one is put into a more relaxed state of mind, whether from alcohol or too many chocolate-chip bars, your inhibitions are lowered," Pritchard said. "But while inhibitions can be bad, in certain situations they should be viewed as an ally—especially when dealing with a big-mouth like Amber Prentiss. The less said around her, the better."
Poor Jessica believes that, rather than move from Virginia to Alaska, she can tough it out until junior high: “Everyone will be so much more mature there."
Area Adults doing Area Things
“Bar-Trivia Champ Being A Real Dick About It” is an excellent concept, as we all know people who let a little success go to their heads.
I’ve participated in bar trivia many times, but I’m only mildly competitive. And that means I basically never win because there are a few cutthroat teams — or “teams” of like 8 people — who treat the trivia night like they’re prosecuting a murder trial. I’m OK with that! But I have no trouble imagining someone like our protagonist here.
Unlike most trivia nights I’ve gone to, this bar uses TVs and an electronic system, seen above.
This is a really great example of The Onion building a fictional universe through the sheer number of details. We learn a lot about this bar, who plays trivia, their team names and the many ways Gause is a jerk. His own brother-in-law is ashamed of Gause’s behavior, but nothing slows him down:
"Last week, this group of women started throwing ice cubes at Shawn," Lang said. "When he just ignored it, some guys reached behind the bar and started chucking entire handfuls at him. Finally, Shawn stands up and says, 'I'm so on fire tonight, I could use a cooling-off.' So he takes one of the ice cubes that went down his shirt and pops it in his mouth. I've tried to talk to him, but he's just determined to be a jackass."
Other Area People stories include:
“Car Salesman Three Desks Over Going On And On About Chick He Banged Last Night”: This is a well-worn cliche, but OK for what it is. The car mentioned, the Chevrolet Prizm, was discontinued after 2002.
“Correct Theory Discarded In Favor Of More Exciting Theory”: This is basically every human, all the time. Love the idea of the Omaha mafia, though.
Were the infographics good?
“What Did We Do While Trapped In The Elevator All Weekend?” is a really strong collection of one-liners. I was stuck in an elevator one time, after a nighttime class in college roughly 20 years ago. There were about 12 of us in a relatively small elevator. We got campus security on the intercom, but they seemed to be moving slowly — at least until someone shouted, “There’s a pregnant woman in here!” (There was not.)
What columnists ran?
“I Lied About Making $80,000 Working From Home... And So Can You!” is a great informercial parody, and it’s amazing that this scam lives on today in spam comments. The Onion does a nice job replicating the script and mixing in randomly placed ALL-CAPS SENTENCES.
This is not a subtle pitch, either:
With the Instant Money Invention Plan, you, too, can tell people that you've achieved financial independence without even breaking a sweat. DO NOT miss out on this amazing opportunity!
And later, after assuring you that you could make “$500 KAZILLION” without paying taxes in this totally legal scheme:
With the amazing Instant Money Invention Plan, you will not be selling ANYTHING. All you will be doing is lying. That's all!
This is stupid but delightful.
And speaking of, our Hollywood columnist Jackie Harvey is back with “Little Chelsea Clinton Is All Grown Up And Glamorous!”
Harvey, as usual, gets many details wrong. These include which Little Rascals character Robert Blake played, the name of the 3rd “Austin Powers” film and conflating Kid Rock and the WWE wrestler The 1-2-3 Kid. He also is broken up by a big celebrity breakup:
Item! N'Synger Justin Timbaland and navel-baring popstress Brittany Spears seemed like they had it all—looks, wealth, and abs to die for. And, most importantly, they had each other. But it all came crashing down recently, when Justin told his Punky (his nickname for her) bye-bye-bye.
Harvey also has Larry King-like asides on gazpacho and 3-piece suits, arguing that the latter “looks just as good if it's missing any one of the pieces.”
I could spend this entire newsletter talking about Jackie Harvey. What fun he must have been to write! There are 2 other noteworthy items. 1st, he hears about the April 2002 death of Alice In Chains singer Layne Staley but thinks it’s Kurt Cobain:
Item! I just got word that Seattle grunge singer Curt Kobain died again! I don't know how this is possible, but it's true. Why is the road to musical stardom littered with the bodies of all the greats? The Big Bopper, Buddy Holly, Jimi Joplin, Jon Lennon, Two-Pack Shaker3, little Joe C, and now Kobain again. They are missed, one and all.
He also admits to an error I’ve pointed out before — getting the name of “Lord of the Rings” wrong. I hope to God this is in response to real-life readers angrily writing The Onion.
What was the best horoscope?
This week’s horoscopes have a couple notable entries. My favorite is Sagittarius:
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Though it's hardly your fault, you'll be despised by children around the world when Santa's desiccated corpse is found stuck in your chimney.
Capricorn is meant to be a random joke in 2002 but comes off much more political in 2022:
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will soon come under heavy criticism for the lack of minority representation in your record collection.
What holds up best?
“Bar-Trivia Champ Being A Real Dick About It” will be relevant as long as there are bars and know-it-alls.
What holds up worst?
“Bling-Bling Pawned” feels very old.
What would be done differently today?
I love this mix of stories, but many of these stories feel like they took a long time to craft. Today’s staff is surely brilliant and hard-working, but the demands on their time must be greater. Jackie Harvey’s column, for instance, could be broken up into like 9 jokes about the real-life events without the need to invent a columnist with a personality.
Thank you
The Onion took off the week of May 8, 2002, so we’ll also be off! See you May 15!