20 years ago, The Onion saw scandal, scandal everywhere!
Let's look back at Nelly's heyday, a budding novelist, the D.C. sniper attacks and Civil War revisionism
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 23, 2002.
I can’t believe we’ve closing in on 3 years with this newsletter. Thanks for being here as we look back at The Onion’s glorious past and enjoy some laughs.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 39, the 122nd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.
The front-page headline “Corporate Brass Forced To Tolerate Tech Support Guy's Wolfman-Like Hair, Beard” is no longer online. While beards are everywhere today, it’s easy to forget that they’ve been unfashionable for most of the past 100 years — and it’s still rare for CEOs.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Sometimes, The Onion is accidentally prescient. This is one of those times.
In 2002, The Onion covered Enron, WorldCom and all the other corporate fraud. The top story on Oct. 23, 2002, takes that to the next logical and absurd step.
“63 Percent Of U.S. Implicated In New Scandal” imagines that 175 million Americans have committed securities fraud and must go to prison for it.1 It's absurd in the best way.
The Securities and Exchange Commission is investigating, well, most of America. SEC Chairman Harvey Pitt is leading the investigation. And that’s the real-life twist: Harvey Pitt would resign in 2 weeks because of his own scandal.
Even The Onion couldn’t make this up.
The actual story has a simple but effectively silly premise: 63% of Americans illegally received a stock tip and immediately dumped their shares in the fictional company Unocore:
"The stock went from $235 to 13 cents a share in half an hour," said Kyle Levey, an Arizona factory worker implicated in the scandal. "That's when I knew I wasn't the only one with insider information. Sure enough, pretty much everyone on my block was in on it, too. And everyone down at work. And everyone at church."
The SEC is trying to subpoena all the implicated Americans, but it’s struggling to deliver all the subpoenas:
In order to streamline the notification process, the Justice Department will scroll the names of implicated U.S. citizens on Court TV and CNN, as well as during NBC's Thursday-night "Must See TV" block. Those listed are encouraged to call the 800 number on the screen for further instructions on how to be legally summoned to court.
RIP to “Must See TV” and Court TV.
Is this story funny? It’s decent. I like the juxtaposition of 175 million Americans under investigation and the SEC hiring 52 million other Americans just to process their subpoenas.
And in hindsight, it’s amazing that The Onion had Harvey Pitt as the lead enforcer when he was about to resign in disgrace.
Another scandal story is “Sunken Oil Tanker Will Be Habitat For Marine Life, Shell Executives Say With Straight Face,” which surely reminded readers of the Exxon Valdez oil spill.
The PR team at Shell2 is working as hard as possible to spin the news of a sunken oil tanker:
"In its new resting place, far beneath the surface of the North Atlantic, the Global Explorer is host to countless fish and an infinite variety of marine vegetation," a press release from Shell read without a trace of irony. "A ship that once helped run life above the waves now houses life beneath them."
The Onion continues on like this, including quotes from real-life CEO Steven L. Miller (who actually had retired Sept. 1, 2002):
"The many species of fish native to Newfoundland's Grand Banks have in recent years increasingly struggled to find feeding and breeding grounds," Miller said, as if Shell were deeply concerned with these circumstances and not, in fact, partially at fault for them.
It goes from there. The Onion still uses this technique — a regular news story, where the jokes are delivered through snide comments undercutting each quote or statement.
Finally, we complete the trifecta of corporate malfeasance with the short article “CEO Would Trade 5 Percent Of Stock Options For 10 Percent More Time With His Kids.”
Real-life people and events
This week, there is no mention of President George W. Bush, the war on terror, Iraq or any congressmen or senators. I can’t remember that last time that none of them was mentioned.
Who do we have instead? Well, this all-time classic front-page headline: “Nelly Reiterates Sex-Liking Stance.” This photo conveys his nonchalant attitude.
There’s also “Prison Warden Appears On Leno With Some Of His Favorite Prisoners,” a good reminder of the callousness and cheapness of so many of Jay Leno’s “Tonight Show” bits over the decades.3
There’s also the curious “Obesity On The Rise,” where The Onion asked people on the street about national obesity data. The answers are OK, but focus on The Onion predicting Donald Trump’s rise. Well, sort of:
"And with the insidious new alliance between Donald Trump and Grimace4, it's only going to get worse."
Dennis Moreland • Systems Analyst
On a somber note, October 2002 was when “The Sniper Attacks” were all over the news and especially frightening for the Washington, D.C., area. 10 people were killed overall, including 5 in one day.
The suspects were captured Oct. 24, one day after this infographic was published.
The jokes aren’t amazing, but that’s understandable. Joking abouttargeted, senseless killing isn’t easy! A couple of notes:
The joke about “on the lookout for vans” was due to mistaken reports that the shooters had a white van or truck.
The gas station joke is about the numerous shootings that occurred while people were standing by their cars at gas stations.
The last joke is the most important — it’s an early version of the “‘No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens" recurring headline.
Area People doing Area Things
“Nails, Hair Cared For Better Than Child” is an easy joke to make, and I do love the photos with this story. But it’s tricky — like, making fun of single mothers takes a lot of skill, even when you’re The Onion.
Thankfully, this article doesn’t pick on all single mothers or make easy jokes about the South. Instead, Kelly Sweedlin of Mobile, Ala., is depicted as a bad mom — inattentive and inconsiderate — who is also obsessed with hair care and pedicures:
Though their apartment lacks Sesame Street or child-rearing magazines, the end tables are covered with copies of Glamour and Hair Today. Sweedlin knows nothing about major childhood diseases or car safety seats, but the technological advances in cosmetology outlined in these periodicals rarely escape her notice.
Sweedlin was supposed to bring her daughter for a 2-year checkup 4 months ago. And she doesn’t know the names of her daughter’s daycare friends.
I think this story is fine but not memorable. Then again, I don’t have kids. Maybe the parents see something in this article that I don’t.
I enjoyed “High-School Science Teacher Takes Fun And Excitement Out Of Science” — and I had good science teachers!
Unfortunately, 9th-grade teacher Mark Randalls does not want to engage with students or answer questions. Class is about covering as much material as possible, as quickly as possible. He also doesn’t want to spend time in labs or doing dissections:
"I just hope these kids sit still for the frog dissection in two weeks," Randalls said. "I went to great lengths to procure a five-part filmstrip series that illustrates the frog anatomy step-by-step so we won't have to create a lot of mess dissecting the animals ourselves. Besides, the class always gets way too rambunctious when we try to do a lab."
The other interesting detail is the description of Randalls’ classroom approach. I assume today’s science classes are more sophisticated?
A 25-year veteran instructor in Verona, Randalls teaches his students the periodic table using a standard wall-sized chart, the appropriate page in the same Houghton-Mifflin science textbook he's used since 1982, and a few minor experiments he runs by himself to save time.
Other Area People stories this week include:
“Civil War Historians Posit 'You Had To Be There' Theory”: This is one of those stories that’s a lot more political in 2022, but was (probably) just a joke in 2002. The Onion does quote historian Shelby Foote, for what that’s worth.
“Linebacker Faces Suspension For Genocide” is very silly but does a nice job making fun of the NFL for not suspending Ray Lewis. The Onion is doing great work in mocking NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue: "We are currently deliberating on whether to suspend him pending the verdict of his U.N. tribunal."
“Man In Break Room Can Still Hear Time Clock Ticking Loudly”: I wish The Onion had written a longer article about this.
“Motorist Overwhelmed By Array Of Jerky Choices”: A front-page headline that cracks me up for some reason.
Were the infographics good?
Our other infographic was the front-page “Why Did We Rent A Limo?" This is fun. “Was son’s first day as limo driver” could be a whole article.
The 1st joke, about TV reception, is definitely an old-timey joke — sure, you can still use an antenna, but TV signals are no longer analog.
What columnists ran?
“My Novel Addresses Universal Themes Of Humanity And Has Fucking” is perhaps the 1 true classic from this issue.
I love so much about this:
The title, “Westbound 90,” and that it’s 864 pages
The themes, like “the duality of sentience,” “Is technology dehumanizing us?” and the quest for an unnamed Holy Grail.
The use of the word “überfucking.”
Most of the paragraphs discuss a plot point from the book and then describe why sex is also part of the plot:
Westbound 90 will inspire people to break free of their self-imposed holding patterns, and it will inspire them in other ways with a totally hot scene in a convent where Steve has sex with a gorgeous anarchist posing as a nun.
Not every satire needs to be complicated. Novelists are egotistical, especially when they think they’ve written the Great American Novel. All you need to do is quote them with a little exaggeration.
Our other columnist is the popular “Ask a …” series, where letter-writers seek counsel from an advice column, but the answers are about a completely different topic.
“Ask A Third Party Candidate” reminds us that in 2002, there were still dreams of a productive 3rd party in America.
This is Conspiracy 101, imagining that Democrats and Republicans are the puppets of foreign agents:
After all, they are only servile footmen carrying out marching orders from a sinister international cult of amoral usurers and fascist sociopaths headquartered variously in Geneva, Rome, and the Hague.
Also, party leader Edgar Mayo Jr. denies anti-Semitic charges because he’s only targeting “the Jewish banking and media elite.”
This American Rule of Law Party is opposed to moral conservatism and liberal bureaucracy, leading to a platform with no drug laws, no gun restrictions, no environmental laws that affect property, no IRS tax code — and no Congress or Supreme Court. A national lottery would determine our top leaders.
This is not the most uplifting article. Let’s move on.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week was Libra, for this joke about Adam Sandler:
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Yet another great moment in American oration will be ruined by your constant, vicious heckling of Mr. Sandler.
My guess is that this is related to Sandler promoting “Punch Drunk Love,” which came out Oct. 11, 2002.
What holds up best?
I’ve always liked “Nelly Reiterates Sex-Liking Stance.” And I don’t even think it’s really an insult in 2022. We all know what Nelly does, and that’s why he’s had an incredible career.
What holds up worst?
“The Sniper Attacks” is joking about an active campaign of murder — and it’s not funny enough to overcome that. Most importantly, it’s 100% at odds with how The Onion responds to mass shootings nowadays.
What would be done differently today?
The Onion in 2022 would take a different approach to the sniper attacks, obesity, beards in the workplace and Donald Trump jokes.
All the stories about corporate scandal seem relevant today, however. And “Man In Break Room Can Still Hear Time Clock Ticking Loudly” could be an incredible story in today’s Great Resignation/Quiet Quitting environment.
Thank you
Happy to have y’all here. This is a long email! But as always, please check out the links you find funny. That’s what we’re here for.
We’ll see you next week for the 40th(!) issue of 2002, where 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon comes back to haunt him.
The columnist Matt Levine has for years argued, sometimes jokingly and sometimes not, that “everything everywhere is securities fraud.” The Onion apparently pioneered this approach.
It’s ironic that this article is about Shell, which just this week lost a court case accusing it of misleading carbon-emissions claims.
Leno’s late-night comedy has aged badly because it’s often cheap and cruel, but all the late-night hosts were like that back then, to some degree. And America chose Leno, at least by the ratings.
McDonaldland characters are prominent in my favorite Onion article ever, as I discuss here.