20 years ago, The Onion previewed the 2004 election
Plus, jokes about P. Diddy, vaccines, bosses, secret lives, the metric system and much, much more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 27, 2004.
We’re almost at the 2004 election, and The Onion goes all out in this issue to cover the big issues.
Quick housekeeping:
I shared my thoughts on The Onion’s latest print newspaper, which came in the mail last week.
Last week at the very end of the newsletter, I previewed the wrong issue. I’m clearly reading too many old Onion stories at once, but that’s no excuse!
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 43, the 215th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page image is from the 2005 book “Embedded in America,”1 showcasing The Onion’s print work from late 2003 to late 2004.
The front-page headline “That Asshole From High School Now That Asshole From TV” is no longer online. I’m guessing this was written by whoever wrote May 2004’s “Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move.”
The 2014 archive has an item called “The Bush Administration,” but this appears to be a slideshow of past headlines.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
This was The Onion’s final issue before Election Day 2004, and it does a great job covering the election from all angles. Importantly, as a parody of newspapers, the Oct. 27, 2004, issue shows The Onion’s ability to do public service faux-journalism. And so, the top “story” is “Countdown To The Recount,” an illustration highlighting all sorts of articles that weren’t actually inside the paper.
(You know what isn’t on The Onion’s website in 2024? This illustration! It’s a blank page at this URL. The Onion’s done incredible work to rebuild its website this year, but there’s so much damage to undo from previous ownership.)
While most of these jokes are a reaction to 2000’s election debacle, they hold up surprisingly well. For posterity (and SEO!), those jokes are:
How to make your vote recount
Where to re-register for the re-vote
When will the next president be appointed?
Polls show Supreme Court split 5-4: a closer look at the swing justices
The Electoral College reconsidered for the 20 billionth time
Is your state really a state?
Your dead relatives: how they'll vote, and why
A state-by-state breakdown of likely fraud and malfeasance
Should the two Americas hold separate elections?
A look at the recount campaign ads
Which facts to ignore and which emotional pleas to take to heart
Five reasons why you may or may not want to throw up your hands and stop caring altogether
Another article that doesn’t display well on today’s website is the listicle “Election Day Guide,” which is actually 2 lists. The 1st is tips for people heading to the polls. The 2nd list highlights what counts as proper identification.
Unfortunately, while all the jokes are listed on today’s website, the 2 lists are kind of smashed together. The 2004 archived version separates these better.
Many of these jokes remain relevant today, as does the debate over voter ID. There are a few jokes, however, that might feel relevant today but are actually references from the early 2000s. They include:
“The new electronic voting machines are complicated. But don’t worry: Octogenarians will be on hand to troubleshoot any technological problems that might arise.”
“Remember to vote, or P. Diddy will kill you.”
Also, I just really liked this one:
If you are a Flintstone, make sure to put the granite slab arrows-first into the dinosaur’s mouth.
The top long-form article was “Republicans Urge Minorities To Get Out And Vote On Nov. 3,” which is a very modern Onion joke — direct, political and meant as an indictment rather than to tease or mock.
The 2004 election was held on Nov. 2, not Nov. 3, and this story followed a slew of accusations of voter suppression (generally from Democrats against Republicans). As Reason noted in 2004, the direct inspiration for this article is likely flyers in 2002 that showed the wrong polling date.
The Onion isn’t doing anything outlandish. It simply describes a get-out-the-vote effort that’s just slightly off:
Monreal said Republican volunteers will be available to drive minorities to polling places on Nov. 3.
“We’ll even stay at home with them the day before, to help them prepare for the act of voting,” Monreal said. “We’ll engage in concentrated one-on-one tutoring the entire day, to make sure these voters focus on the important act of voting, rather than going outside, reading newspapers, or watching television.”
Republican Party leaders expressed pride in what they characterized as a true alternative to other programs that encourage voting, such as Rock The Vote.
Also, The Onion invents an Astroturf group named “Black Republicans For Maryland,” and Google in 2024 showed no other results for that exact phrase.
Finally, the front page also featured this headline and photo: “Bush Campaign Paints Kerry As Pre-Raphaelite Contessa.”
President George W. Bush didn’t start painting until after he left office, so this is truly inspired. Does Sen. John Kerry look more like Bruce Springsteen, though?
The Onion covering other important issues
There was a shortage of flu vaccines in 2004 because Chiron — 1 of only 2 U.S. manufacturers — had a contamination issue. The Onion covered it in an infographic titled, appropriately, “Flu Vaccine Shortage.”
I talk sometimes about how The Onion has a mix of timeless jokes and those that age poorly. Then there are the jokes that take on a life of their own, like “Wear a surgical mask, if that makes you feel any better.”
My favorite joke is also the most ridiculous:
Rent a baby for $10, take him or her to get a flu shot, and at the last second, move your arm in front of the needle.
Where can you get a baby for $10? Wait, I’d rather not know.
Another big issue in 2004 was “Return Of The Draft?” following a symbolic vote in the House in October. The Onion asked people what they thought. It’s always safe to mock the Cincinnati Bengals:
“If I must submit to a draft, I hope I’m not picked by Cincinnati.”
Johnny Grant • Carpet Cutter
Area People doing Area Things
“Boss' Going-Away Party A Little Too Jubilant”2 is a great headline idea, and the photos show just how excited these employees are.
The Onion in the 1990s and 2000s loved to highlight fictional Midwest workplaces that blended white-collar (offices and cubicles) with blue-collar (some sort of industry). The fictional Ames Farm Products Wholesalers Inc. checks both boxes.3
The departing boss, Karl Roberts, seems to have genuinely tried to do well by his staff. But it’s only dawning on him now that they felt differently:
“After the party, though, I’m not sure what to think,” Roberts said. “It was nice of them to sign a card for me. I’m not sure why it had to be a three-foot-tall card emblazoned with a huge smiley face and the message ’Good Luck, Boss! Don’t Let The Door Hit Your Ass On The Way Out!’”
“I know they were only joking about wanting me to go,” Roberts added. “But everyone sure was getting into the joke.”
Roberts stays for 5(!) hours, but the party is still going strong at 10:30 p.m. And he is suspicious of how happy everyone was — and the presence of former staffers.
Unfortunately, he hasn’t learned his lesson. I feel a bit bad for him — he seems oblivious rather than being a deliberately bad boss:
“I’m excited by the challenges facing me at Quad-State,” Roberts said. “They need a new dress code and lunch policy. Somebody has to crack down on the time-clock violations. And sick days and personal days seem to be overlapping in an unacceptable way. But, with a little discipline and attention to detail, I’ll whip the place into shape.”
“Study: 100 Percent Of Americans Lead Secret Lives” is a timeless headline, even if we’ve lived through nearly 20 years of people sharing way too much of their lives on the internet.
The Onion gets at a simple truth: Almost all of us are horribly weird in one or more ways, but we hide most of that, most of the time:
“The secrets of the people living next door are often just as icky as the scandals that make the papers,” Greene said. “If Claire Mallon, a 43-year-old bank teller from Rockingham, VT who still sleeps in the same bed as her elderly mother, were to receive the level of attention we give Kobe Bryant, we might see headlines like, oh, ’Cash-Doling She-Sicko Snuggles Mommy.’”
Among the many revelations, these 2 remind us of what counted as scandal in 2004:
“While hotel heiress Paris Hilton’s infamous sex tape4 was breaking, Cleveland piano teacher Jon Knowles was sitting at his kitchen table eating a bowl of cat food,” Greene said. “And, while the Monica Lewinsky scandal was threatening to unseat a president, Clay Pulvermacher of Wauwatosa, WI was busy mailing birthday cards to himself.”
These behaviors aren’t, like, aspirational, but it’s almost quaint how The Onion treats them as shocking.
Other Area People items include:
“Underwear Worn Out Of Respect For The Dead”: What a headline. And you get to choose which of these 5 people is the protagonist!
“Assistant Uses Cake To Smuggle Cake-Decorating Set To Martha Stewart”: Just this week, Stewart made claims about being in solitary confinement during this prison stint. That makes this slightly less amusing, I suppose.
“King Of Queens Creator Thinks Everyone's Ripping Him Off”: I love this joke. Michael J. Weithorn has had a hell of a career, including writing credits on “Family Ties,” “Cheers” and “The Wonder Years.” And Quinta Brunson has recently referenced “King of Queens” as an influence on Conan O’Brien’s podcast and to “The New Yorker.”
“Meaning Of Dream Obvious To Everyone Else”: I won’t spoil the joke, but it’s a solid paragraph.
“Stock Analysts Confused, Frightened By Boar Market”: Very stupid, but also one of my favorites. The ending:
Mattson said he hopes stocks will soon perform again like they did two weeks ago, when brokers were soothed by the graceful movements of a swan market.
“Detroit Tourism Board's 'Hidden Detroit' Campaign Results In 24 Deaths”: The Onion has never been above mocking inner-city violence, especially since relocating to Chicago in 2013. That said, I had a nice lunch in Ypsilanti, Mich., once.
Were the infographics good?
Besides the voting guide and flu vaccine infographics, we also have “Which Wire?”
This is a solid parody of the TV and movie trope — particularly “Damn! It appears there’s a laser trigger mechanism protecting these wires!”
What columnists ran?
“Converting To The Metric System Starts With The Individual” imagines a freedom fighter overcoming injustice and American stubborness, but in the service of converting us to the metric standard.5 I love this section’s call to action, although I wonder who the “we” is in “We won the battle against spans and cubits”:
Sure, you’ll meet some resistance. People will say: “We don’t sell oats by the cubic meter.” They’ll trot out that old conservative standard, “If you want to be in the manufacturing industry, you have to buy steel by the ton.” They might even claim that they don’t know what a “tonne” is. Converting to the metric system is no walk in the park, but if you’re serious about converting, others will recognize your commitment and join you.
Remember: The journey of a thousand kilometers starts with a single decimeter. We won the battle against spans and cubits, and we can beat the foot. And the pint and the pound. It all starts with the man or woman in the mirror.
Less helpful is the call to demand the ZAPP song “More Bounce To The Ounce” be renamed and re-recorded to “More Bounce To The 1.6 Grams.”
This is a great example of The Onion taking a tone and committing to it. This person is strident and repetitive, but that’s the point — they’re so passionate about the metric system that little else matters.
“Man, I Wish That Sniper Would Go Away” is about a man who got a good deal on a mortgage in a nice neighborhood with great neighbors. There’s just one problem: A seemingly 24/7 sniper out front:
Still, though… No matter how soothing the crickets are at night, I never forget that the sniper is out there. It’s like having a popcorn hull between your teeth: You can’t stop thinking about it until it’s gone. We can’t open the curtains during the day, we can’t turn the lights on at night, and we certainly can’t have pets. I mean, the mortgage allows pets. But the sniper doesn’t.
He can’t walk around the neighborhood, restaurants won’t deliver “after the first few delivery guys are assassinated,” and there’s a body decaying under the sycamore tree.
On the plus side, parenting is easier:
On the upside, I guess the sniper keeps the kids home at night. They’re at that age where they prefer tear-assing around town to spending time at home. Judy’s 15, and that means all she thinks about is boys. Too bad for her none of her knights in shining armor have been willing to risk a .270 Winchester softnose between the eyes. I just tell her there’ll be plenty of time for boys after the sniper’s gone.
This is a grim juxtaposition of the stereotypically safest environment — the suburban, white-picket-fence neighborhood — and a war zone where everyone feels helpless to stop the violence.
Also, I guess everyone had moved on from the D.C. sniper attacks of 2002.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Pisces for this charming John Waters reference:
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You'll feel a certain sense of inevitability when you see John Waters sitting in the front row at your trial for the hair-dryer electrocution of your boyfriend.
Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2004 archive has a better view.
What holds up best?
“Study: 100 Percent Of Americans Lead Secret Lives” might need an update for 2024, but the concept is brilliant. You don’t even have to imagine it as an Onion article; I think one of the rites of growing up as children is realizing your parents had lives outside of your orbit.
“Bush Campaign Paints Kerry As Pre-Raphaelite Contessa” is accidentally prophetic.
What holds up worst?
“Return Of The Draft?” isn’t terrible, but it’s irrelevant now. You’d really have to be invested in the minutia of symbolic House votes and tertiary campaign issues from autumn 2004.
What would be done differently today?
I like The Onion’s election coverage overall, but I think the main difference would be many more articles and jokes over a long span of time. As a newspaper, The Onion could say, “This is our election edition.” But as a website that only occasionally prints, we’re talking a week or more of full-court press, I imagine.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter! I especially appreciate everyone who hit the “like” button/heart last week. It definitely helps with whatever algorithm Substack’s using. See you next week!
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I’ve gone to, and even organized, some raucous goings-away for beloved co-workers. I can only think of one goodbye where I was glad the person left.
Roberts is leaving for another fictional, very Iowa-sounding company: Quad-State Shipping.
This tape was leaked in June 2004.
Maybe this is just bias from 2024, but I reqd the metric article as a mockery of individual efforts to address things like climate change or the housing crisis. I *can* start taking the bus every day, but what does that matter when highways will still get built? In many cases, institutions have to change first, then individuals follow.
And units of measurement can be fascinating! One of my favorite historical footnotes is metric time and the revolutionary calendar.