20 years ago, The Onion showed male nudity
20 years ago, The Onion showed male nudity
Plus, The Onion discovers the Constitution's secret menu, covers the 2004 RNC, defends Al-Jazeera, criticizes website pop-up quizzes and much more
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Sept. 1, 2004.
Hope y’all are enjoying the long weekend. And welcome to the folks from the While You Were Working newsletter who keep trickling in! Check out last week’s issue for more about this newsletter’s look and feel.
This week, I’m thrilled to discuss the U.S. Constitution’s secret and The Onion’s love of nudity. I loved revisiting this issue and hope you enjoy it, too.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 35, the 207th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today. Thanks to Ben Cunningham and The Onion team for seeing my Chat complaint and restoring the print issue landing pages.1
The front-page image is from the 2005 book “Embedded in America,”2 showcasing The Onion’s print work from late 2003 to late 2004.
The front-page headline “David Hyde Pierce Sits Back, Lets The Prissy-Voice-Work Checks Roll In” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I will not be sharing the photos from “Naked Man Only One Comfortable With His Body.” Why? Because they are NSFW, featuring full-frontal male nudity that might destroy my email deliverability.
I’ve been told that the naked man is then-Onion staffer Joe Garden,3 who created columnists Jackie Harvey and Jim Anchower. Garden was apparently The Onion’s go-to for nude photos, according to a Georgia Tech student newspaper article in 2001.
This unusual specialty is backed up by a 2002 Penthouse article4 that details Garden’s nudity in the office and in front of the New Yorker softball team:
Did I mention one of the writers was buck-naked?
“In honor of Penthouse,” Joe Garden said of his pasty bare chest and flaccid penis, a Rosie O’Donnell doll smiling like a deranged kewpie on the bookshelf behind his head.
That was before September 11.
3 years later, Garden’s body takes the form of Minneapolis resident Geoffrey Danvers:
While Danvers characterized his naked body as “no big deal,” others dubbed it “gross,” “embarrassing,” and “tragic.”
“It’s good to be comfortable with your body,” said Fran Hendricks, Danvers’ fully clothed neighbor. “But you can’t expect everyone else to be—for example, someone walking her dog before work who just happens to glance in your living-room window. His junk was just hanging there, swaying like a wind sock in a light breeze.”
The Onion both respects Danvers’ right to nudity in private and emphasizes that no one else wants to see it. And Danvers, bless him, doesn’t care what anyone thinks.
I love this quote:
“You know, I’m just like everyone else,” Danvers added. “I put my pants on one leg at a time on those days I wear them.”
The actual top story — or stories — was about the 2004 Republican National Convention, even though this event lacked any intrigue or drama. There were no policy surprises, no lingering effects of a primary challenge like Pat Buchanan gave to President George H. W. Bush in 1992.
“Small Group Of Dedicated Rich People Change The World” is a great headline and critique of the wealthy political class. However, I wish The Onion had called out a real rich person rather than the fictional billionaire Stewart Malmough. After all, Michael Bloomberg spoke at the 2004 RNC!
Anyways, Malmough is an oilman running his own version of OPEC?
“I’m not looking for glory and acclaim,” Malmough said, his face a study in optimism and resolve. “I just care about this land, and how much of it my children and their children’s children will own.”
Malmough isn’t afraid of hard work. Just last year, he spent countless hours making a covert, trillion-dollar deal among the six major petroleum-producing nations to keep prices and supplies fixed to an optimum standard.
Malmough also mangles the famous Margaret Mead quote about small groups changing history.
RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie praises men like Malmough who share the character trait of wealth:
“Whether self-made corporate moguls, inheritors of vast familial wealth, or heirs to decades-old political dynasties, these men and the effects of their contributions cannot be underestimated.”
Some non-Americans are allowed, such as the fictional Andre Colbert-McIntyre (born in France, runs a German business), who had breakfast with Vice President Dick Cheney during the convention.
In The Onion’s universe, “Vacationing Bush Accepts Republican Nomination Via Live Satellite Feed.” I can’t blame him — nothing happened that anyone remembers!
“Cheney Urged Not To Work Blue During Convention” might be my favorite headline from this issue. Made me laugh then and now. It features Gillespie imploring the VP not to drop F-bombs:
A spokesman for Cheney said the vice-president will tone down his speech, but argued that Cheney is “only saying what everyone’s already thinking.”
Even more politics and world events
“Historians Discover Children's Menu On Back Of U.S. Constitution” is my favorite joke in this issue — a brilliant re-imagining of the Constitutional Convention using words and pictures. Notably, this article predates the movie “National Treasure” by 2.5 months.
Real-life Archivist of the United States John Carlin announces the recovery of this menu:
“In this discovery, we see yet another example of the wisdom of our founding fathers,” Carlin said. “While establishing a government that honors both the rights of the individuals and the unity of the nation, they also recognized the need for fun-to-eat, affordable dining options for the nation’s youngest Americans.”
Above is the menu, which features old-style cursive (including the “long s” that looks like an “f”). The article mentions some of the menu items — Yankee Doodle Macaroni, Jumpin’ Johnnycakes, and Eagle Fingers — but there’s also Cheese Betwixt Two Slices of Bread, Mother Goose, Bloody Great Blood Pudding, Three-Cornered Tarts, Superlative Squash and, simply, Ale.
I don’t have any profound insights into this article. It’s simply brilliant, and I commend the staff for their effort in conceiving, writing and designing this.
The menu also features the 1st-known word find, a maze of Ben Franklin and his kite, and child-like drawings of a one-legged man:
“We believe the caricature could be Gouverneur Morris of Pennsylvania, who wore a wooden leg—but it might just be a pirate,” Carlin said. “Whatever it is, it’s strong proof that the ’Pleasant Diversions’ section of the menu was used by a child, as the figure had been colored in rather inexpertly, in blue from head-to-foot.”
The coda is the reveal that “the National Archives will display the Constitution’s predecessor, the Articles Of Confederation And Personal Advertisements.”
Also worth noting:
The National Archives shared this Onion article as an April Fool’s Day joke in 2015.
Some researchers in Kenya cited this article in a published study for Food Science and Quality Management, apparently not recognizing it as satire.
“Al-Jazeera Introduces' Lighter Side Of The News' Segment” requires you to know 2 things:
Al-Jazeera5 is a Qatar-based news channel whose Baghdad office was closed by the government in August 2004 amid public criticism by U.S. officials and questionable bombings affecting staff.
TV news broadcasts (and other media) like to end with a lighthearted story. The “water-skiing squirrel” meme is real — see this January 2024 news report as just one example.
The twist is that Al-Jazeera, led by real-life executive Wadah Khanfar, is essentially reporting on the same events, just with a vaguely comical twist:
“It seems a certain suicide bomber paid the price for his sloppy job Sunday, when he failed to annihilate a Jerusalem pizza parlor, and himself along with it. After numerous attempts to detonate the homemade device hidden under his shirt, the bomber gave up and ordered lunch! Can you imagine the relieved look on that restaurant owner’s face?!”
You might remember news articles about people who swear they saw Jesus or Mary’s face in bread or whatever. Al-Jazeera’s “Lighter Side of the News” has its own version:
… a large fig, produced on a farm outside Bahrain, which bears an uncanny resemblance to renegade Muslim cleric Muqtada Al-Sadr.
“I could not believe what I was seeing,” Osiraq resident Akil Hamza said. “The fig looked just like him.”
The Onion absolutely takes sides — it’s for press freedom generally, for Al-Jazeera’s ability to safely practice journalism in a war zone, and against the U.S. media’s lack of rigor and the administration’s foreign policy.
But this isn’t simply a polemic. The Onion walks a tightrope, offering political and moral critiques while still making jokes. Rather than directly slamming U.S. media outlets, it mocks them by contrasting them with Al-Jazeera.
Longtime readers know I prefer The Onion choosing absurdity over topical reactions. If nothing else, the former is more fun to re-read 20 years later. But I should note that The Onion was, and is, funny in many other ways. “This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won’t” from 2003 is a classic example of The Onion being direct, political and reactive.6
Water safety
The Onion asked people on the street about “Many Lack Potable Water” after a UN report said over 1 billion people lacked clean water access.7
The current website version cuts off some of the quotes, but you can view the 2004 archive, which also has a different photo of the Black man (Mark Kunde, Systems Analyst).
I liked this misplaced belief in shipping pasta water to Africa:
"Yesterday, I poured a bunch of water down the drain after cooking some pasta. I could've helped an African with that water. I'm so stupid!"
Jesse Miller • Clerk
I also appreciated the jokes about Volvic water and the Superfund site Love Canal.
In a more lighthearted story, The Onion presented “Pool-Safety Tips.” Many of these are almost helpful, but my favorite is simply ridiculous:
Don’t swim in the end of the pool where unscrupulous Japanese commercial whalers are using gill nets and explosive harpoons.8
Area People doing Area Things
“Tooth Fairy Helps Self To More Teeth”: At least the Tooth Fairy is generous! Look at all those bills.
“The Scream Poster Stolen From Area Dorm Room”: I like the ending:
“The work of art is one of only 86 copies known to exist on the campus.”
“Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker”: Everyone needs a role model! This is yet another story set in Wyoming.
“Internet Pop-Up Quiz Insulting”: Oh, the days of Flash and Shockwave. The last line brings up fuzzy memories of pop-up ads from this era:
“Challey then moved to the more formidable task of using her mouse to shoot an animated duck for the chance to win $100.”
“Grocery-Store Worker Can't Bear To Eat Food Anymore”: This is a subtle joke about workers hating what they’re surrounded by. This was set at a Pick’n Save, although Florissant, Mo., is misspelled.
Were the infographics good?
“Neverland Evidence” looks at the case against Michael Jackson, who was eventually acquitted in his child-molestation trial.
These jokes are fine, but I didn’t enjoy revisiting any of this! You might know Gary Glitter from that one song played at NFL games.
Admittedly, “Whole herd of stunned-looking alpacas” made me laugh, as did “Result of disastrous attempt to breed a life-sized My Little Pony.”
“What Are We Making Small Talk About?” features a great illustration and relatable jokes. Who hasn’t talked about “Oh, this and that” or “How new water cooler differs from old one”?
What columnists ran?
“Upon Reflection, I May Have Exaggerated My Skills In Midwifery” features an in media res opening, as columnist Julie Shaw guides a woman named Helen through labor.
You can tell her level of expertise from the very 1st paragraph:
Okay, Helen, you’re doing great. Just remember to breathe. In… out. In… out. Fantastic. Just listen to the ocean-waves CD and try to relax. I think I can see the baby. Yeah, you’re crowning, and it looks—oh, holy Christ! It’s covered in blood! It’s supposed to be like that? I mean, of course it’s supposed to be like that. Of course. I remember that episode of ER. It was just like that.
Our columnist should stop vocalizing all her deficiencies and lies! These include failing to get the proper training and not recognizing the placenta.
I also enjoyed this line:
Hm, it’s too bad I forgot to bring that stuff I printed out from the Internet.
Finally, I loved the reference to “All Creatures Great And Small,” the James Herriott series of novels and TV shows. My mom loved those, and so I’m the rare American under 60 who’s seen all of the original BBC series.
“Son, We'd All Like To Lie Around All Day Being 'Clinically Depressed’“ “is another example of The Onion walking a tightrope. The Onion is on the young man’s side — clinical depression is real and serious! But the staff also has great fun showing the father’s exasperation and grin-and-bear-it mentality:
The truth is, son, we’d all like to lie around all day being “clinically depressed,” but at some point, we have to swallow hard and face the music. Step up to the ol’ plate.
There are plenty of mornings I don’t want to get up and go to work, but I do. And you know how much your mother hates that exercise bike of hers. Do you see what I’m driving at, son?
I believe Bill Endres wants to support Justin, but he’s ill-prepared and bad at it! Negging your depressed kid about being privileged seems like a low-upside tactic:
Look, I think your grandmother had some of this clinical depression herself. I think a lot of it stemmed from her poor upbringing—she never did learn to read or write well. So, you know, her clinical depression wasn’t because she was some bored child of privilege. No, she didn’t have the luxury of sitting around being clinically depressed.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Aquarius, about a real-life hot dog stand outside the Metropolitan Museum of Art. In 2024, the real-life Hot Dog King is fighting New York City over permits:
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Being “on call” does tend to take its toll on your personal life, but as the Hot Dog King, you’ve gotta expect that.
Also, the entry for Pisces is cut off. The full entry, seen in the 2004 archive, is as such:
Nothing you do this week will be of note to people who don't look at the photos on page 27 of The Canadian Journal Of Infectious Diseases And Medical Microbiology.
What holds up best?
One of the best parts about writing this newsletter is finding jokes I didn’t remember or missed the 1st time around. “Historians Discover Children's Menu On Back Of U.S. Constitution” is probably the best discovery I’ve made all year.
What holds up worst?
I love this issue. Very few weak spots. “David Hyde Pierce Sits Back, Lets The Prissy- Voice-Work Checks Roll In” isn’t that funny or that prescient, as he’s spent a lot of time on Broadway since “Frasier” ended.
What would be done differently today?
This issue resonates with much of 2024’s tone — including the heavy political coverage and topical mentions of Michael Jackson’s trial and the UN report on drinking water. The pool-safety tips listicle, meanwhile, is a less annoying version of a slideshow.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others! I spent a long time on this week’s newsletter, but it’s well worth it.
Next week, we’ll revisit the 2004 presidential campaign, Emeril, the Kobe Bryant criminal case, budget airlines and much more. See you then!
Read Ben’s great explainer of this entire Onion relaunch/redesign process from his perspective.
I may get commissions for purchases made through links in this post, including that one.
For more on Garden, check out his nuanced defense of Charle Hebdo and his regrets over “Diamond” Joe Biden.
I only discovered the Penthouse article this week. It’s possibly the best examination of The Onion’s culture in the late 1990s/early 2000s, as well as how 9/11 affected the staff.
This is the 1st major Al-Jazeera mention since January 2002’s “Confused Marines Capture Al-Jazeera Leader.”
Consider this week’s “Trump Calls Out Arlington National Cemetery For Hazard-Filled Fairways.” It’s not the zaniest joke ever, but it’s also not the most obvious joke.
Unfortunately, this figure has roughly doubled as of 2023.
In July 2004, some legislators in Japan made noise about quitting a leading organization governing whaling.
I can’t tell if the end of the clinical depression one is meant to be really dark.