20 years ago, The Onion mourned Hunter S. Thompson

The Onion covers the big steroids scandal — no, not baseball's — along with toy nonproliferation, the new SAT, the EPA, Neil LaBute and much more.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 23, 2005.

This issue is a master class in The Onion’s ability to creatively skewer real-life controversies and public figures.

ICYMI:

• Original Onion staffer Christine Wenc has published her book “Funny Because It's True: How The Onion Created Modern American News Satire.”¹ I’m only a few chapters in and already learning so much!

• The book’s been reviewed by the New York Times and Bloomberg, among others.

• Saturday was the 25th anniversary of The Onion issue where Al Gore has to help Bill Clinton move. Simpler times!

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 12, the 234th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005, 2015 and today. I put the wrong links here last week but have since corrected them.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.

The front-page headline “Sopping Wet Panties Removed From Washer, Placed In Dryer” is no longer online. This is quite the ol’ switcheroo.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

A 2002 White House photo that might indicate Powell's steroid-related claims are true.

The Onion rarely mentioned baseball’s steroid problem in the late 1990s and early 2000s, as I noted just a few months ago.

But revelations continued to emerge about the BALCO operation throughout 2003-04. Barry Bonds testified before a grand jury in December 2004. And 2 months later, Jose Canseco released his tell-all book called “Juiced.”

The Onion responded on March 23, 2005, with “Colin Powell's Tell-All Book: Steroid Use Rampant In White House.”

This is a beautiful example of what sets The Onion apart. Yes, it could have settled for mocking Major League Baseball. Instead, The Onion uses this to skewer an unrelated subject — in this case, the Bush administration.

We’ve seen this before, notably in 2003’s “U.N. Orders Wonka To Submit To Chocolate Factory Inspections” and 2000’s “Federal Judge Rules Parker Brothers Holds Monopoly Monopoly.” But it never fails to impress.

Left: Colin Powell’s tell-all book on steroids. Right: Jose Canseco’s tell-all book on steroids.

Powell’s book is pure Canseco satire. Note the similarities in the book covers and the lengthy subtitles.

Countless athletes have justified their steroid use by citing the pressure of expectations, the need to match their peers’ doping or the desire to fend off physical decline.² Powell translates those insecurities to the political realm:

“All eyes are on you—PAC lobbyists are turning up the heat, millions of faithful constituents are watching C-SPAN,” Powell wrote. “Take a Cabinet appointee, someone who hasn’t even worked his way up through the ranks. Ashcroft, say. The pressure’s 10 times worse on a poor sucker like him. If he doesn’t swing for the fences, he’s failed at the biggest game there is, and there’s no such thing as lateral movement in Govvy Town. You’re out. Some guys, guys who have been at the top their entire lives, can’t take the idea of failure.”

Powell doesn’t refer to President George W. Bush by name, simply calling him “the Big Guy.” Other notable mentions:

• Powell refers to one illicit substance as “Karl Rove’s candy.”

• Attorney General John Ashcroft’s “buttocks were knotted with gristle from daily injections of equine growth serum.”

• Condoleezza Rice was “shooting up with synthetic testosterone every six hours.”

• Powell says he “was blessed with certain natural gifts that, combined with my extensive military training, made steroid use largely unnecessary for me.”

Bonds’ massive size increase — including his head — is satirized in Powell’s non-denial about Bush’s doping:

“And then you might want to think about why his neck has bulled out so much in the past five years. Listen, I respect the man’s abilities, but come on. Put two and two together, America.”

This article is ultimately very silly, but having fun is OK!

Corinne, who refuses to reduce her stuffed-animal stockpile.

Another example of this Onion story genre is “Child Walks Out On Toy Non-Proliferation Talks,” which uses North Korea’s exit from multilateral talks in February 2005 as a smokescreen for this satire of parent-child relations.

Corinne Feit, 8, storms out of a discussion with her parents, who want to restrict the number of new toys and reduce existing levels. It’s a tricky negotiation, with the parents offering more outdoor toys in exchange for a 50% reduction in board games. Corinne’s counteroffer of 100% more dolls is poorly received:

“The Feits categorically rejected Corinne’s proposed increase in doll acquisitions,” Flemming said. “Prior to this move, Corinne had demonstrated a willingness to concede certain points to her parents. That changed as soon as the Feits tried to exact a binding commitment from Corinne on the doll point.”

Much like North Korea, Corinne rejects what she percieves as unfair restrictions on her activities — and implies she’ll simply get toys from her grandmother instead.

I love that this paragraph is about weapons of mass destruction, but with the nouns swapped out:

“Donna pointed out that toy reduction would serve Corinne’s own interests,” Flemming said. “She warned that amassing a stockpile of toys without proper containment devices, such as shelves or a toy box, could lead to the needless destruction of toys. And Adam noted that undocumented toy stockpiles could fall into the hands of hostile neighbors, such as the Peterson boy.”

The child’s shirt in the photo depicts the real-life NYC school P.S. 321.

Zolonga warns gonzo journalists to remember their ethics "in the face of resistance from the pustulent pigs."

A more straightforward satire is “National Gonzo Press Club Vows To Carry On Thompson's Work,’ which came out a month after Thompson’s death.

The premise is simple: The National Press Club³ is the professional society for journalists, and the National Gonzo Press Club is the society for those alt-journalists who defy convention like Thompson did. The former is located in Washington, D.C., the latter in Las Vegas:

The NGPC is composed of nearly 3,000 journalists who practice gonzo, a subjective, emotionally charged observational reporting style that is often fueled by recreational drug use. Members of the 34-year-old organization cumulatively hold 14 Pulitzer Prizes, including eight in the Distinguished Weirdness In Feature Writing category.

The NGPC is led by “Gene Zolonga, the National Affairs and Shark Hunting Editor for The Philadelphia Inquirer.” The shark reference is a nod to Thompson’s book “The Great Shark Hunt.”

Zolonga sees a continuing need for gonzo journalists, especially with a 2nd Bush administration:

“It’s up to us to carry on the mentor’s vision and expose all in American life that is strange, terrible, bad, crazy, or bad crazy,” Zolonga said. He then climbed onto the podium and emitted a blood-curdling screech. “I am full of love, you motherfucking bastards. Pardon me, I believe my heart just stopped.”

Other fictional gonzo journalists include:

• Zach Kiel, “who most recently wrote ‘Fear, Loathing At The Owensboro Parks And Recreation Department’ for the Louisville Courier-Journal.”

• Del Armbruster, “who once wrote a story about Amazon gold prospectors while engulfed in fire head-to-toe.”

• New York Times columnist Heck Murdo.

• Gail Nucci, author of the “Vacuous Sluts And Perfidious Dandies” syndicated gossip column.

The closing paragraph is pure tribute to Thompson:

“The world is growing assuredly weirder,” Zolonga said. “Just as history remembers such prominent journalist-commentators as H.L. Mencken and Mike Royko,⁴ I have faith that future generations of swine will know the name of Hunter S. Thompson.”

Even more politics and real-life news from The Onion

“U.S. Dog Owners Fear Arrival Of Africanized Fleas” is a different type of Onion parody I’ve mentioned many times. You take a real-life news story and change 1 or 2 small details to make it absurd. In some ways, it’s like a “Mad Libs” where you’re replacing keywords.

Here, the main change is “bees” to “fleas,” playing on the mid-2000s fears of Africanized honey bees (“killer bees”) spreading into the U.S. In both cases, a quarantined population in South America escaped and moved northward.

There’s an additional twist: The Onion recasts pop culture as being obsessed with fleas instead of other creatures:

Killer fleas, a staple of ’70s B-movies like The Bloodsucking Swarm, I.T.C.H., and Roger Corman’s Night Of The Fleas,⁵ are not, in fact, poisonous. The danger lies in the parasites’ excessive defensiveness, extreme resilience, and tendency to swarm.

…

“It’s hard to separate fact from fiction, as most of the information we have about the fleas is anecdotal,” Schepke said. “But if the stories are even half true, killer fleas are capable of cutting a swath of death across our nation, dotting the land with brittle, desiccated doggie husks.”

A Hidalgo, TX veterinarian fumigates a puppy infested with Africanized fleas.

These fleas are no joke:

“We’ve reinforced all our doghouses with quarter-inch steel plates—killer fleas can burrow through concrete like cardboard,” Lafferty said. “And don’t bother with plastic flea collars. Killer fleas chew straight through those.”

Added Lafferty: “The force over in Asherton has already lost 10 of their best dogs.”

This is a smart satire, if gruesome. Dog lovers, be warned.

In real life, experts were puzzled by the relatively slow spread of Africanized bees, with the USDA wondering why they hadn’t reached Louisiana (which they did by 2007).

Other political or real-life items in this issue include:

• “EPA To Drop 'E,' 'P' From Name”: This article reacts to the Bush-era EPA’s desire to weaken regulations, although that feels quaint compared to the current effort to simply eliminate most regulations.

• “Friends Always On Best Behavior Around Neil LaBute”: I don’t know LaBute’s work, but he’s apparently known for being a misanthrope whose works focus on intense character studies, so I guess the joke works.

• “Oil Drilling In Alaska”: This issue recurs with every presidential administration, as seen this week. In March 2005, The Onion asked people about a Senate vote to allow access to oil companies.⁶ The jokes are mostly earnest laments. My favorite response:

  • “But… but where will there be pristine and untouched wonders left for me to drive my GMC Yukon through?”⁷

    Floyd Holden • Author

Area People doing Area Things

The front page, as usual, included 2 photos with headlines but no article:

• “Yet Another Media-Savvy Ex-Hostage Delights TV-News Producers”: This is barely satire.

• “Sports Banquet Ends In Trophy Fight”: A ludicrous concept, but you never know. Could happen!

Other Area People jokes include:

• “Guatemalan Coffee Picker Happy If Single Person Starts Day Alert”: A great play on the false modesty of claiming, “If I make only one person happy/laugh/etc.” This quote is perfect:

  • “I appreciate the opportunity to touch another person’s life.”

• “Offended Customer's Huffy Walkout Goes Unnoticed”: Imagine if social media worked this way.

• “No One Admits To Fart Joke”: Such a good, simple joke. I love how it takes place at a local insurance firm.

Were the infographics good?

I took the old SAT, so I am always surprised by the changes wrought by “The New SAT,” such as eliminating the analogies section.⁸ (There have been several overhauls since.)

The jokes cover many topics, including the test itself, historical inequities and Christian-based homeschooling.

There’s also the joke “Use of the n-variable offensive to blacks,” which feels like the joke version of throwing a grenade and seeing what happens.

“What Is Our Mistress Demanding?” is OK. “Dental insurance,” or lack thereof, was also a complaint by a postal employee in last week’s “All-Minority Postal Staff Undergoes Mandatory Diversity Training.”

The “$3.99 per minute” joke is a relic of the 1-900 number era.

What columnists ran?

“I Don't Care How Long It Takes, I'm Gonna Figure Out What That 'L' Word Is” is a mid-2000s TV joke through and through, from the title’s reference to “The ‘L’ Word” to the columnist’s love of “Alias” and “24.”

Todd Brillhaus likes the show, but he realizes he’s missing something. His 1st guess was “ladies,” but he rules that out. He’s distracted by all the women making out, but doesn’t seem to make the connection.

To be fair, this is not the 1st time he’s failed to understand a show or movie:

Well, I’m a patient man. I’m still writing letters in search of someone who can explain What’s Eating Gilbert Grape to me. The “L” word mystery is no different: I have the stamina to stay on the case.

In fact, a part of me doesn’t want to figure it out. It’s like when I figured out that Leland Palmer had killed Laura while inhabited by the dark spirit Bob. I was glad to know the answer to the mystery, but I was sorry Twin Peaks had come to an end. A good mystery show creates a cultural phenomenon. That’s how it is, watching The L Word.

Could someone be this oblivious to the existence of lesbians in 2025? But The Onion could probably tweak this to have an older guy be ignorant to some newer cultural trend or vocabulary.

Our other column is “Ask A Guy Who's Been Avoiding You.” Like every Point/Counterpoint, people write in seeking advice, and the columnist completely ignores their questions.

Here, our columnist keeps running into Chuck, whose wedding he really does not want to attend — maybe because Chuck is marrying Karen, the woman our columnist lived with for eight years!

The columnist makes up lies or half-truths about nonworking voicemail, defunct email accounts, job interviews and more — all to avoid Chuck. For example:

What? The e-mail you sent to me bounced back? Yes, I was looking for that invitation. Oh, I just realized… you probably sent it to the Yahoo address, right? Yeah, I changed over to a new e-mail account. No, the Yahoo address is totally dead. Jeez, I’m really sorry. Look, I’ll e-mail you tonight—you have the same address, right? Yeah, I have that. I’ll e-mail you and then you can send the wedding info. My new address? Oh, I still haven’t memorized it. It’s something with my name. Barry… Jeez, I just can’t remember. I shouldn’t have created such a confusing one. Stupid.

Can’t blame this guy for not wanting to go to the wedding!

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Sagittarius for this visual:

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)

You'll find it hard to live a normal life for the next couple months, during which it will suddenly and inexplicably become fashionable to jump motorcycles over you.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

So many choices depending on what type of Onion jokes you like best.

For example, you might like the plausible exaggeration of “Sports Banquet Ends In Trophy Fight” or “EPA To Drop 'E,' 'P' From Name.” You might prefer the timelessness of “Offended Customer's Huffy Walkout Goes Unnoticed” and “No One Admits To Fart Joke.” Or you might like the loving tribute of “National Gonzo Press Club Vows To Carry On Thompson's Work.”

All of these are good picks. I think I most enjoyed “Child Walks Out On Toy Non-Proliferation Talks.” What a brilliant, demented way of commenting on real-life foreign policy news.

What holds up worst?

There’s nothing wrong with “Friends Always On Best Behavior Around Neil LaBute,” but that’s a really specific joke!

“Oil Drilling In Alaska” is relevant as a topic, but this particular piece reflects an amendment that didn’t become law.

What would be done differently today?

The Onion waited a full month to respond to Canseco’s book and North Korea exiting nuclear talks. That’s impossible now.

As we saw, some topics are cyclical, such as oil drilling in Alaska, North Korea nuclear negotiations and the SAT.

So it’s not surprising that The Onion just published “Tips For Dealing With Spam Texts,” which is basically a modern spam mail joke a la 2002’s “Anti-Spam Legislation Opposed By Powerful Penis-Enlargement Lobby.”

Also, the “$3.99 per minute” joke from “What Is Our Mistress Demanding?” would probably reference OnlyFans nowadays?

Thank you

Grateful to have you here. Please like, comment or share! It helps me know whether I’m hitting the mark — and it helps Substack push this to new folks, too.

Please support Christine Wenc’s book, too!

Next week, Bush declares war on Social Security, plus “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” Woodrow Wilson, hackers stealing our personal information and much more. See you then!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. For an unvarnished look at steroids in sports, I highly recommend the 1991 Village Voice essay on Steve Michalik, the Mr. Universe champion Arnold Schwarzenegger once called “the phantom bodybuilder.”

3. I was just there for a wedding, and my old employer had 3 holiday parties there. It’s a nice venue!

4. As I’ve already learned in Wenc’s book, Mike Royko was a family friend of Onion co-founder Tim Keck.

5. The Corman film is “Night of the Blood Beast.”

6. This provision was removed during the House-Senate reconciliation process.

7. Here’s such a GMC Yukon commercial from 2004.

8. “Late Night With Conan O’Brien,” undaunted, continued running its “SAT Analogies” sketch for a few years after these changes.