20 years ago, The Onion found Michael Jackson's body

Plus, St. Patrick's Day, NIMBYs, diversity training, improv comedy, the miracles of Wi-Fi and Jackie Harvey's Oscars review.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 16, 2005.

This jam-packed issue imagines Michael Jackson’s death a few years early, explores the then-new Wi-Fi technology, mocks Irish heritage — and is extremely political in ways you might not expect.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 11, the 233rd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005 and today. There’s no working 2015 version on Internet Archive; by June 2015, the Vo. 41, Issue 11 page loads this, instead.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.¹

These front-page headlines are no longer online:

• “TK Killer To Be Nicknamed Later”

• “Sister Mad”

“TK” is a journalism placeholder meaning “To come.”

Also no longer online is the St. Patrick’s Day feature “Irish-Heritage Timeline,” although it’s viewable on the Internet Archive’s 2005 version of The Onion’s website.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

The Onion website version of “Irish-Heritage Timeline” from 2005

The Onion print version of “Irish-Heritage Timeline, part 1

The Onion print version of “Irish-Heritage Timeline, part 2

St. Patrick’s Day is March 17, and The Onion celebrated the occasion with a full timeline of the Irish people! This feels like a pilot project for The Onion’s 2007 book “Our Dumb World,” a parody of encyclopedias.

On the 2005 website, this displays like a way-too-wide image, although it’s actually 3 JPGs stitched together. In print (also above) it’s split across pages 10-11.

There are literally dozens of jokes. Among my favorites is this sequence about the Celts:

750 BC—First Celts arrive in Ireland

749 BC—Celts discover whiskey-distillation process

748 BC—Violence sweeps through Celtic culture, thoroughly wiping from island

600 BC—Second wave of Celts arrive in Ireland

The Onion also tracks the potato famines:

1807—Famine strikes Ireland;

1817—Famine and typhus strike Ireland;

1836—Famine and cholera strike Ireland;

1845—Famine and meteor showers strike Ireland;

1849—In the wake of famine, millions of Irish arrive in the New World, seeking more of the precious potatoes they can't seem to live without;

A big debate in the 1990s and 2000s was whether parades should allow gay groups to march, with New York City serving as a flashpoint for this. The Onion satirizes this debate:

849—Dublin holds its first Irish-pride parade. Gay Vikings protest their exclusion from the festivities

I also like the mention of the 2004 U2 special-edition iPod, which has been overshadowed by the 2014 decision to put U2's album on all iPhones.

This collection of jokes was praised by many blogs in 2005, as you can see here.

Right: Investigators move Jackson's body, found buried at Neverland Ranch (left).

The top story in the March 16, 2005, issue was “Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse Of Real Michael Jackson,” which predates Jackson’s actual death by a little more than 4 years.

The joke here is that Michael Jackson died around 1987 — in other words, right before he dramatically changed his appearance and behavior. If only it were that simple:

“We believe that Neverland served as some sort of freakishly whimsical tomb constructed by Jackson’s killer,” Holbrooke said. “We also suspect that all of the iniquities that occurred on that ranch were the work of the imposter. I wouldn’t have ever thought it possible, but we are looking at a situation where the sexual abuse of a 13-year-old cancer patient is the tip of the iceberg.”

Holbrooke said that, while the living Jackson is the leading suspect in the murder investigation, he “could be another victim of some sort.”

“Basically, we have no idea what type of creature we are dealing with,” Holbrooke said.

For context, this article published during Jackson’s 2005 trial on 7 counts of child molestation.

It’s clear The Onion believes Jackson’s alleged victims, although there’s an unexplained paranormal aspect, too:

While their claims have not been corroborated, other Neverland visitors have reported that when Jackson entered a room, lights flickered, faucets ran blood-red, and screams escaped from the walls.

To aid in the investigation, the FBI enlisted Dr. Richard Weingarden, a noted expert on the paranormal from UC Santa Barbara. After only two hours, Weingarden abandoned the project.

The creature that claims to be Michael Jackson.

Looking back, this is both vicious and sentimental. The Onion wants to imagine a world in which Jackson isn’t a monster. For example, they quote a former fan club president who’s relieved she can resume listening to “Thriller” and “Off The Wall.” However, The Onion doesn’t want to seem sympathetic to Jackson or unsympathetic to the victims.

Jackson was so weird (see above photo) as to be almost beyond parody. The Onion’s idea to invent a murderous imposter is diabolical — and a step beyond articles like 2002’s “Cash-Strapped Michael Jackson Forced To Sell Off Pet Giraffes As Meat” and 2003’s “Well, I Think Michael Jackson Looks Nice.”

To add to the weirdness, the real-life Jackson was also killed, although they caught and convicted that guy.

The Onion weighs in on politics

Draper, who took on City Hall for 10 years to achieve his goal of keeping Mankato poolless.

The “Not In My Backyard” (NIMBY) activist is a classic American stereotype — they love progress, construction and innovation in the abstract. But they will fight you to the death if you dare desecrate their neighborhood with it.²

“Ten Years Of Life Dedicated To Getting Municipal Pool Not Built” showcases a NIMBY triumph in area man Irv Draper, the founder of Taxpayers For Wise Choices. After a decade, he persuades the Mankato, Minn., City Council to decide against issuing a $500,000 bond.

No one is more single-minded or determined than Draper. He drives away his coalition’s other supporters, ignores his daughter’s childhood and runs for alderman — all to defeat this pool proposal. Success comes at a cost:

After 328 council meetings, 5,863 letters, four lawsuits, and an estimated 41,000 man-hours, Draper has earned a reputation as a crazy jackass who will journey to hell and back to make sure Mankato’s children do not swim in a city-owned pool.

This article offers lessons for the novice activist:

Draper said his primary asset is his obstinance. One by one, his adversaries on the city council relented on the issue or turned their attention to other matters. Many of those who didn’t relent eventually died or moved away.

“Democracy is often a tedious process,” Draper said. “If you want something not accomplished, you have to hang in there. The price of liberty is eternal vigilance. There will be no municipal pool. Not on my watch.”

In 2005, the author, political science professor and future Libertarian political candidate Michael Munger approvingly cited this article, comparing it to a chapter in his book.

Pryor Road post office employees head to their diversity-training seminar.

Our other big politics story is “All-Minority Postal Staff Undergoes Mandatory Diversity Training,” set at the Pryor Road post office in Atlanta.³

This article is surprisingly relevant in 2025 amid the Trump administration’s focus on “illegal DEI.” Some of the details feel current:

• An outside company named Prism Diversity⁴ runs the seminar.

• “Unconscious bias” is called “unwitting preconceived notions.”

• One of the goals is developing attendees’ “cultural competence.”

Less relevant is the seminar’s focus on “multiculturalism sensitivity,” a very 1990s/2000s phrase often used by The Onion in that period.

This article’s a good read, but it’s ultimately a retread of 2000’s “Diversity Celebrated With Compulsory Luncheon.” The main difference is the skewering of diversity trainers and USPS supervisors, who fail to address actual complaints from workers:

“We spent half an hour coming up with phrases that might confuse people who didn’t grow up speaking English,” Jason Nguyen said. “I didn’t grow up speaking English. Here is a phrase that confuses me: ’Why is the front wheelbase on our jeeps narrower than the fucking rear one so we fucking get stuck in the mud every two fucking days?’ Management should have a seminar to discuss that.”

There’s also this curious paragraph, in which The Onion calls everyone and everything a “race.” I feel like this would trigger its own sensitivity seminar:

Leukwick spent the final portion of the afternoon leading the staff through a series of role-playing exercises in which the postal employees—37 percent African-American, 32 percent Hispanic, and 31 percent other races including Jewish, Haitian, Vietnamese, and Puerto Rican—encountered people of another race or creed.

This article published less than 2 weeks before “The Office” episode “Diversity Day,” so I guess this was a hot topic among comedy writers in early 2005.

Other political items in this issue include:

• “Bush Followed Everywhere By Line Of Baby Ducks”: A palate cleanser.

• “Tougher Bankruptcy Laws”: The Onion asked people about a bill (made law in April 2005) to make individual bankruptcy filings more difficult. This response feels like a meme coin 20 years too early:

  • “I guess my only hope for ever getting out of debt is declaring myself a business. Hey everyone! Shares in DougCo are trading at an all-time low.”

    Doug Schaulsberg • Ranger

• “AARP Blasted As Out Of Touch, Past Its Prime”: I love this passage:

  • “In December, Stop The Aged made headlines by threatening to file a $1 billion age-discrimination lawsuit against the AARP.”

Area People doing Area Things

Just a few calorie-industry products.

“Despite Bad Press, Calorie Industry Projects Record-Breaking Year” imagines that all food and beverage companies are represented by an umbrella “calorie” lobbying group — the fictional American Calorie Council:

“Magazines, fitness gurus, TV-news anchors—they’re always attacking calories and telling Americans to eat less of them,” said ACC spokesman Nathan Sorenson. “Well, after many years, we’re getting used to bad press. Regardless of what people say, the calorie industry continues to be a major growth industry.”

…

“No matter how much the media derides us, consumers keep coming back for more calories,” Sorenson said. “They can’t live without ’em.”

I was on vacation last week, and our Airbnb had the Samsung TV package, including the “Supermarket Sweep” channel — yes, there’s a 24-hour channel devoted to the 1,191(!) episodes from the 1990s and 2000s.

Between that game show and the 1990s-looking logo above, I’ve never been more primed for an Onion article.

The ACC lobbying group is evil and knows it. The spokesman openly praises “empty calories” and decries the influence of water, which “makes people feel full.”

This is an easy joke, but The Onion sells it with clever writing and detailed characters.

Other Area People jokes include:

• “Hot Rock-And-Roll Chick Totally Married”: I believe that’s a Ramones shirt.

• “Inhibitions Found In Seedy Motel Room”: A motel room so gross that it stops extramarital affairs!

• “Thwarting Of Arch Nemesis Leaves Sky Commander Feeling Empty”: This joke is seemingly random. It’s not based on the 2004 Jude Law movie “Sky Commander and the World of Tomorrow” or the 1987 animated show “Sky Commanders.” (Oddly enough, Rex Brady was a “Days Of Our Lives” character at the time.)

• “Every Time Area Man Drops By, Friend Is Watching The Big Lebowski”: I have never seen this movie, FWIW.

• “Gym Membership Doomed From Day One”: Too true. Bally Total Fitness filed for bankruptcy 2 years later and no longer exists.

Were the infographics good?

“Wi-Fi Access” is remarkably prescient at times, particularly in its cynicism:

• “Brings Internet to the needy laptop-toting underclass” is a precursor to the “email jobs” insult and the “Bullshit Jobs” theory.

• “Allows consumers to shop online while they shop offline” feels like buy-online, pickup-in-stores (BOPIS) or the phenomenon where people browse physical stores but ultimately order online.

• “Facilitates blogging while/about doing laundry”: Swap in “tweeting” in 2015 or “watching TikTok” in 2025.

I didn’t get my 1st cellphone until fall 2004, so I guess that’s when I first used Wi-Fi? My college had T1/T3 connections in the dorms and classrooms, which really makes me feel old.

“What Are We Dyeing Green?” is the other St. Patrick’s Day joke in this issue. I like the green-colored IV liquid in the illustration.

“Puerto Rican flag” feels like a vestigial joke left over from the controversies created by episodes of “Seinfeld” and “Law & Order” years earlier.

What columnists ran?

I’m a full-time freelancer who loves having large organizations as paying clients but does not want to work for them full time. One reason is the mandatory fun such companies seem to love, as we see in “Unlock Your Employees' Profit Potential With An Improv-Comedy Workshop!”

Despite my discomfort, this is a beautiful parody of outside consultants who use buzzwords to show why companies should pay for their supposedly unique value proposition. For Matt Litton and One Dozen Eggs, that special skill is … improv.

Some people think improv comedy—short for improvisational comedy—is just fun and games. But it’s actually fun, games, and a chance for productive team-building. Fostering an environment that encourages creativity and innovation pays off in the long run. The more fun people are having, the more engaged they’ll be in their work—and the more money your company will make.

Look, I enjoy a good improv troupe!⁵ But so much of our workdays are already performative — I do not want my co-workers and I to perform comedy, especially without a script.

A couple of things I really liked here:

• The column is set in the Quad-Cities region of Iowa and Illinois.

• One Dozen Eggs’ clients include the real-life Coventry Health Care and the slightly renamed Waddell & Reed Financial Services.

• Real-life improv concepts such as “Yes, and” and “What are you doing?” are described.

Our other column is “This Year's Oscars Blew Me Away,” by entertainment columnist Jackie Harvey. 2005 was apparently the year of Jude Law, because he appears yet again in an Onion article. Harvey describes Chris Rock’s jokes about Jude Law — and Sean Penn’s rebuttal — as if it’s the Selma march in 1965:

And boy, did he make Chris Penn mad when he asked who Clive Owen was! I’m being kind of glib about that last one. I saw where Rock was coming from, but I thought Mr. Penn made a good point, too. He was right to stand up for one of our generation’s finest actors, who has graced us with great performances in films like Alfy and Sky Colonel And The World Of Tomorrowland. And if you can’t stand up for what’s right at the Oscars, where can you do that?

If you know Jackie Harvey, you know he loves pop culture but is horrible with names and facts. So we get lots of factual errors, misspellings and malapropisms — “Mark Antony and J. Lo’s Latino duet at the Grammys” is just one of them.

Harvey’s columns teach you so much about pop culture you never knew or long ago forgot. For me, these include:

• The Charlie Sheen-Denise Richards “D-I-V-O-R-C-E,” as Harvey puts it

• Katie Holmes breaking up with Chris Klein

• Katie Couric helping fire Steven Cojocaru amid a kidney transplant because he went on “Oprah” instead of “Today”

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Cancer for yet another Ireland mention, mere months before the IRA formally disarmed:

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
In yet another odd grandstanding ploy for attention, the Irish Republican Army has offered to shoot you.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“All-Minority Postal Staff Undergoes Mandatory Diversity Training” is one of those articles that’s almost accidentally relevant — where current events have circled back to make this feel fresh again.

“Gym Membership Doomed From Day One” feels timeless.

What holds up worst?

“Tougher Bankruptcy Laws” is perfectly fine, but it requires knowing the specific legislation from 2005 before you can get into the jokes.

What would be done differently today?

Would The Onion run a semi-affectionate Trump joke, mock DEI and praise NIMBYs today, much less on the same day? I suspect not.

That said, the front page this week had political headlines I enjoyed, including “Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage” and “JD Vance’s French Horn Solo Booed At Kennedy Center.”

These headlines are instant reactions, not meant to be remembered years from now, but there’s care put into the joke-writing.

Thank you

Grateful to have you here. Please like, comment or share as is your preference. It helps me know that I’m doing a good job — and it helps Substack push this to new folks, too.

Next week, The Onion combines 2 scandals — Iraq war evidence and steroids in baseball. Plus, we say goodbye to Hunter S. Thompson and the EPA, say hello to “The ‘L’ Word” and the new SAT, and much more. See you then!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. The Onion published a version of this in 2000 with “Report: 98 Percent Of U.S. Commuters Favor Public Transportation For Others.”

3. There’s no Pryor Road in Atlanta, but there is a post office on Pryor St.

4. Weirdly, there’s a tanker carrying liquefied natural gas (LNG) by that name, but no diversity firm.

5. I’d recommend Dropout’s “Make Some Noise” show and Loading Ready Run’s “Crapshots” video shorts series, as starting points.