20 years ago, The Onion introduced 'munchtime'
Plus, Yahoo helps you search your soul, a copy editor searches for MDMA, and Bin Laden keeps slipping away.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit April 7, 2004.
As a copy editor, I was delighted to see a copy editor in this week’s issue. We also revisit 2004 topics like nuclear proliferation, the hunt for Osama Bin Laden, and Fox News’ coverage.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 14, the 187th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headlines “Christian Rock Band Gives Up Pyrotechnics For Lent” and “Salad Hand-Spun” are no longer online. I like the Christian rock band joke, but it feels kind of late — Easter occurred just a few days later.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Price Of Nuclear Secrets Plummeting” reflects widespread nuclear proliferation (real and feared) in the early 2000s. The Onion presents it less as an international threat and more like a great sale at the mall. CIA Director George Tenet is almost giddy about Iran and North Korea’s activities:
"We're seeing items like warhead blueprints and uranium-enrichment instructions go for a fraction of what they used to cost," Tenet said. "There's never been a better time to snag a deal on low-mass, high-yield weaponry schematics. Countries like Iran and North Korea are finding that it's a real buyer's market."
This is dry humor, reminding me of Mad Magazine (as does that “Top Secret” logo in the photo above).
To be clear, governments are still upset about these transactions, but they seem more concerned with the aesthetics of the transactions.
Here are a couple of interesting references:
The Young Republicans organization at the University of Virginia bought classified British intel and is now a Class D nuclear threat.
A Pakistani official is embarrassed that nuclear secrets were sold in the “'Bargains Under $100' section of the Cleveland Plain Dealer."
The Onion drops the parody at the end, with Tenet pointing out that acquiring nuclear plans is much easier than building a device.
Maybe I don’t remember the early 2000s’ nuclear proliferation fears, but this is a fairly tame, almost dull top story. It’s fine, but unmemorable.
The Onion had a couple of other international news stories:
“Visiting Liberian Dignitary In No Hurry To Leave”: This article is about real-life leader Gyude Bryant, who headed the transitional government commission from 2003-06 after the civil war there.
"It feels like I just got here," said Bryant, whose nation has just begun the work of rebuilding its infrastructure after 14 years of civil war. "Why rush back to Liberia? I'm barely settled into my hotel suite. I haven't even used the whirlpool."
“The Hunt For Bin Laden” is not the best-designed infographic The Onion ever made. The jokes are about all the times Bin Laden got away (and kept getting away for several more years).
The ACLU joke reflects one of The Onion’s oldest tropes, most famously seen in “ACLU Defends Nazis' Right To Burn Down ACLU Headquarters.”1 The ACLU gets no quarter from The Onion.
I also like the jokes about a malfunctioning “netzooka” and Bin Laden appearing on “Frasier.”
Yahoo’s comeback
In 2003, The Onion started referring to Google for search engines and Netflix for video rentals, moving on from Yahoo and Blockbuster, respectively. But in this issue, we return to the old days with “Yahoo Launches Soul-Search Engine.”
Yahoo actually had a great 2003, making a profit and seeing the stock soar. So, The Onion is mocking a real trend here.
I love the concept of a “soul-search engine.” And it’s a great look back at what search engines used to be. Consider these long-gone Google products:
Yahoo's main competitor recently introduced two new advanced search functions: Google Local, which highlights search results from a specific geographic area, and Google Personalized Search, which allows users to create a profile of their interests to influence search results. But Semel called Yahoo's new search function "vastly more precise."
…
"A soul search often required backpacking trips across Europe, disastrous long-term relationships with incompatible lovers, and years of expensive therapy," Semel said. "Worse, the search process often included depression, lowered self-worth, and intense doubt."
This Yahoo site has all the features of regular Yahoo — categories, parental controls, hot links to HotJobs and Yahoo’s shopping and travel portals. However, you can’t use Yahoo Soul Search for personal ads quite yet.2
This is basic satire — take a real concept and change one thing — but it’s a lot of fun, especially if you used Yahoo back in the day.
Area People doing Area Things
“15-Year-Old Nephew Asked If He Can Get Ecstasy” is about a guy who makes many mistakes. The 1st is turning his life upside down just because his girlfriend said this:
"My girlfriend Paula [Tanner] was talking about how fun ecstasy was the two times she did it," Henderson said. "She got really excited when I said I'd never tried it before, because I guess the first time is the best. She said we should take it and spend all night having sex. I told her I'd make some calls."
Soon enough, Alex Henderson asks a high school friend, a workplace intern and, finally, his nephew for help getting MDMA — and every interaction is both awkward and unsuccessful.
Henderson is a copy editor in Minneapolis, where I interned in 2005. Let’s just say we travel in different circles.
And credit to Kevin, the 15-year-old who’s the most responsible person in this article:
"Some kids might think it's cool to score drugs for their uncle, but it kind of gives me the creeps," Kevin said. "I don't really hang out with the kids who deal that stuff, so it's awkward to go up and ask them for it. I'm going to try, though. It's even worse to have Uncle Alex calling here and hanging up when Dad answers. We have caller ID."
Speaking of men with misplaced priorities, “Area Man Excited Friend Is Getting Divorced” has always made me laugh. Our hero(?), Jim Sterling, is living the same life at 31 as he was at 20, and he’s thrilled his friend Andy Freiburg is no longer married.
Sterling doesn’t like that Freiburg didn’t hang out with him all the time, do shots or make old jokes. And he is not diplomatic:
"Andy never talked about Katie, but I knew something was up, because suddenly he was going out without her a lot more often," Sterling said. "He'd stay out later, and one night he even crashed at my place and called in sick to work. When he told me that he and Katie were separating, I was like, 'It's about time!'"
Sterling doesn’t seem particularly ambitious in his personal life, so it’s amazing to see how much planning he’s doing — buying snacks and beer, looking for good drinks specials at local taverns, reconnecting with other friends and hoping to restart a dart league. Everyone else’s bad news is good news for Sterling:
"Will's still single, and Dave lost his job the other day—talk about good timing," Sterling said. "Maybe we can start up our dart league again. We were the kings of Hunter's Pub."
Sterling also thinks that Freiburg is going to crash with him. That’s news to Freiburg when Onion reporters interview him from his brother’s house:
"I feel worse than I ever have in my entire life," Freiburg said. "When I'm not working, I'm packing. When I'm not packing, I'm talking to my lawyer. When I'm not talking to my lawyer, I'm crying. It feels like everything is falling apart around me. I just want to be alone."
Other Area People stories include:
“Jay-Z Gives Shout-Out To His Shareholdaz” is very, very stupid. Also, why is Jay-Z wearing a Dodgers jacket?
“Fox News Covers Spring Break Pretty Well” is also silly, but at least it doesn’t throw a “z” onto random words.
“Dollar Losing Value Against The Quarter”: A subtle, clever parody of news articles about currency exchange rates. I also like the last sentence:
“Jemison was quick to point out that the dollar remains very strong against the nickel.”
“Almost No Effort Made To Stop Kid From Eating Cigarette Butt”: This bystander does not take action.
“Boxer Hopes He Can Make Money Punching Things In Retirement”: A nice tribute to heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis, who’s also willing to show off his footwork for a fee:
"Cows, computers, sheets of glass—if the price is right, I'll punch it good.”
“Frank Zappa Fan Thinks You Just Haven't Heard The Right Album”: I think I’ve met this person!
“U.S. Kids Sleep-Deprived”: The Onion asked people about a real study that suggested infants don’t get enough sleep. I love this reaction from a curmudgeon who’s upset about low-riding pants:
"Maybe if they pulled up their damn pants for once, that would, um… Well, it would be a step in the right direction."
Stephen Harrison • Systems Analyst
Were the infographics good?
“What Can't We Bring Ourselves To Tell Our Loved Ones?” is a good collection of jokes. “Never did learn their names” is my favorite, maybe because it’s so heartless.
“We’re not technically 18 yet” is … unsettling.
What columnists ran?
Everything in America is marketing, and if you have the right determination, budget and audacity, you can make anything into a fake tradition. With that in mind, enter “Munchtime Is The Most Important Snack Of The Day,” by the fictional company General Snack.s
This implies there are many snack times during the day! And you know what the best part of “munchtime” is? There are no rules:
Some people don't know what constitutes a decent munchtime snack. The right answer is that there is no wrong answer.
The other brilliant aspect of this column? All the wordplay. This is just the 1st paragraph:
Has this ever happened to you? You are snug in your bed when an insatiable craving overcomes you. You try to ignore it, but a piece of fried chicken in the fridge is calling you. Before you know it, you're in the kitchen, standing before the open refrigerator. As any snacktologist could tell you, this is your body's munchtabolic system telling you that you've got the gotta-gobbles.
“Gotta-gobbles.” There are also references to the “nibbling quotient,” “noshtritionists” and "snacktoids,” plus an impressive list of fictional General Snacks products.
The Onion even includes a URL at the bottom, but do not visit it — my browsers flagged it as an unsafe site.3
Our other columnist is “If Elected, I Will Be Extremely Surprised,” which features an uninspiring stump speech by B. Paul Knefler, a candidate for state Senate. He is an independent who frequently runs for office — and always loses:
For, as with my previous campaigns, this one will be characterized by poor organization, ill-defined purpose, and confusing rhetoric. From my opposition to "ideology" in the public-education system to my bizarre municipal-bond-burning stunt in front of City Hall, I will do nothing to convince you, the voters, that I am qualified to hold office.
He admits he doesn’t understand or care about core issues, like taxes. No, Knefler wants to eliminate sewers!
I associate sewers with the degradation of the individual citizen's autonomy. (The aforementioned municipal-bond-burning was related to this issue.)
This is commitment to a bit, as The Onion has Knefler reveal more off-putting details about himself with every paragraph. It’s also a fun way for The Onion to mock politics while, however briefly, avoiding the Bush-Kerry race.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Cancer, which returns the ever-popular “romance in the workplace” joke. (Also, a lot of death in these horoscopes!)
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
This week is a good one for romance in the workplace, and an even better one for necromancy in the breakroom.
What holds up best?
This week’s issue has many good choices. I didn’t remember reading “Munchtime Is The Most Important Snack Of The Day” in 2004, but it’s easily my favorite today, probably because the headline is fun to say aloud.
What holds up worst?
“Jay-Z Gives Shout-Out To His Shareholdaz” was cringe in 2004, much less now.
What would be done differently today?
The Onion has a bunch of real news in this issue, but none of it is about the presidential candidates or pop culture, which would be extremely unlikely now.
I would love to a 2024 version of “Yahoo Launches Soul-Search Engine” would look like, although I have no idea what the hook would be.
Thank you
Thanks for being here. Please share this newsletter (or the articles themselves!) with anyone who loves The Onion.
Next week, wacky Donald Rumsfeld pays another visit, plus The Onion makes fun of a baby. See you then!
That link says the story is from 2003, but it’s from the 1990s. The Onion’s current archive has so many of these errors.
The Onion had a personals site for many years, and I’m not sure anyone’s even written about how weird that is.
The Onion likely never even registered this URL — the earliest record on Internet Archives is from the 2010s.
I remember there being a lot of concerns with nuclear proliferation in 2004. A lot of this stemmed from the nuclear programs in North Korea and Iran. I found a Feb 2004 NYT that references Bush's work on the issue:
https://www.nytimes.com/2004/02/16/opinion/half-a-proliferation-program.html
The treaty they mention was reviewed in 2005. The US was staunchly anti-proliferation. Other countries tended to focus more on disarmament of already nuclear powers. I'd say that proliferation was a big enough concern in American discourse that a 2004 reader would recognize it. More pervasive in my memory is the concern that random terrorist groups would get a bomb, like in 24. The onion article seems to touch on these fears of small groups acquiring the bomb.
Jay-Z is wearing a Brooklyn Dodgers jacket from before their 1958 move to LA. They're notable for breaking the color barrier with Jackie Robinson, an event Jay-Z references in his lyrics. I agree that the joke is cringe-inducing, but 2004 was peak appropriation of the "fo sizzle" style slang. At least at my suburban junior high.