20 years ago, The Onion found soulmates, Bin Laden and bobsledders

The Winter Olympics! Enron! The Axis of Evil! So much was happening in February 2002

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Feb. 20, 2002.

The Onion touches on the big events of February 2002, including the Axis of Evil speech, Osama Bin Laden’s taped messages, plus I’ve got some real-life background on stories about Enron and the Olympics. Lots to discuss!

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 38, Issue 06, the 92nd Onion issue of the 2000s and the 91st issue of new content. Here is the website as it looked in 2002, 2012 and today.

Standard disclaimer: The old photos/images are mostly gone. I reproduce as many as I can each week.

No longer properly online are the front-page headlines, some of which have photos. They are:

“President Lincoln Sick Of Time Travelers”: This delights me and is a very Conan thing to put time travelers with Abe.

“Now That's What I Call Shitty Music 8 Tops Album Charts”: A lazy joke that only slightly modifies the real album cover. Technically, “Now 8” only made it to No. 2.

“Israeli High-School Students Hoping Suicide Bombing Postpones Exam”: I guess The Onion in 2002 didn’t want to highlight US school shootings? This issue published 12 years before the first “'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens” headline.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Bobsledding role models Jean Racine and Gea Johnson.

This week, bobsledder Elana Meyers Taylor won her fifth Olympic medal, the most won by any Black athlete in Winter Olympics history. Surely, she’s a role model for some young girls!

But 20 years ago, that concept was unbelievable to The Onion, with “Women's Olympic Bobsled Team Hopes To Inspire Young Girls To Bobsled” not even bothering to explore the real-life controversy with the 2002 U.S. Olympic bobsledding team.

(Also, note that The Onion’s idea of future bobsledders looks like three siblings?)

The Onion’s story is about Jean Racine and Gea Johnson, who were a real-life bobsledding duo. But they were only partnered at the 2002 Salt Lake City Games because in mid-December 2001, 10 days before the Olympic Trials, Racine fired her brakeman¹, Jen Davidson, in favor of Johnson. There was litigation, a ruined cereal-box promotion and hard feelings.

I lament this lost opportunity, although the article is written well-enough. The style is deadpan, full of common phrases about how girls are less encouraged to do sports. The twist, such as it is, is that Racine and Johnson act like bobsledding is a massively popular sport.

"Usually, parents let their little girls sled until they're a certain age, and then it's suddenly discouraged," Johnson said. "Boys can go on and become bobsledders, and that's okay with everyone. We have to let our girls know that there's nothing wrong with wanting to bobsled."

Kenneth Lay (left) confers with some other guy who must have something to do with the whole Enron thing.

The top story 20 years ago today was “Americans Would Be Outraged If They Understood Enron Collapse.” I don’t recall this era well, but it seems like people were outraged by Enron, especially as revelations piled up and criminal trials followed.

But in February 2002, maybe this wasn’t the case. The Onion declares that people are only vaguely aware of Enron’s problems, much less any potential White House connections:

"I've followed it a little, but I'm still not quite sure what exactly the deal is," said Portland, OR, graphic designer Gina Kader, one of 3,500 Americans polled about the Enron scandal by the D.C.-based Center For Public Integrity. "I know they laid a bunch of people off, which made a lot of people mad. Then again, lots of companies are laying off workers these days. So who knows?"

It’s likely this story was inspired by real Center For Public Integrity research into Enron and its close ties with the Bush administration and when George W. Bush was governor.²

The Onion mentions these political ties and campaign donations but spends most of the article quoting regular folks who don’t understand the situation. That’s funny but feels like a compromise — is The Onion making a political point or not?

At the end of the article, The Onion does allow one defense, from legal secretary Teresa Conreid:

"What are you asking me for?" Conreid said. "Between terrorism, the economy, and my own personal life, I've got enough problems.”

War on Terror updates

I don’t want to know what Osama Bin Laden would have been like if YouTube and Twitter had been around 20 years ago, much less TikTok. But he still managed to release viral content, as “New Bin Laden Tape Contains Three Previously Unreleased Monologues” illustrates.

The most old-fashioned part of this short article is the last sentence:

The eagerly anticipated tape, the first new material from bin Laden in more than two months, hits video stores Tuesday.

The Onion also asked about Bush’s State of the Union, famous for its “Axis of Evil” designation. My favorite response 20 years later is the person confusing this with Evel Knievel, the daredevil:

"We should not try to stop the access of Evel. That man is a national treasure and should be allowed to move freely in whatever stadiums or canyon gorges he likes."

Aimee Chambers • Student

Speaking of old references, let’s get “Conrad Bain Steps Down As National Kitsch-Reference Laureate” out of the way. I’d never heard of Conrad Bain or of the man designated as his laureate replacement, Ron "Horshack" Palillo, who was apparently on “Welcome Back, Kotter.” Both men were alive in 2002 but have passed.

Area People doing Area Things

Muntner and his one true love.

“18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown” is a classic Onion headline, a premise that feels only more outlandish as the years go by and the average marriage age rises.

The Onion’s not just saying marrying your high-school sweetheart is uncommon, it’s saying the odds of any soulmate are 1 in 2.3 billion, meaning there were 3 such couples in the world in 2002. As for this couple, Corey Muntner of Wisconsin is absolutely sure of his connection with Tammy Gaska, two years behind him at Peshtigo High School.

However, all is not well:

"How often does a person find their one true love at all, much less in the tiny rural Wisconsin town where they grew up?" Muntner said. "That's why me and Tammy are still going out even though she gave Danny [Corvo] a hand job in the Copps [Food Center] freezer a few months ago. You just don't give up on true love."

The freezer. That’s … cold?

We also learn that Muntner has left his home county but twice in 18 years, that his hometown has 5 restaurants and that Tammy is the 3rd girl he’s ever dated.

Many Onion stories in this style — interviewing one person about someone else — tend to go to that person for comment at the end. Sadly, Tammy never gets a chance to speak, which is another missed opportunity. These stories are good, but there was definitely even more potential.

Three of Thennes' coworkers keep to themselves.

The longform “local” story is the Chicago-based “Work Friends Not Mingling With Other Friends,” which feels true to me. I live in a large city, if not as large as Chicago, and there are many people I know who keep friend groups entirely separate — sometimes even when none of them are from work.

There are good details about the 3 work friends, who mostly huddled together and dressed differently, as well as commentary from birthday host Kristin Thennes and some of her friends.

As you might suspect, some people thrive in settings where they barely know anyone. These work friends struggled, but yoga buddy Traci Kessler didn’t have that problem.

"I got on great with Jen's old college buds and a bunch of the other people there," said Kessler, who met Thennes in 1995 in a yoga class. "But when I went into the living room to meet all her work friends, they were all just talking about office stuff. After about two minutes of that, I had to go back to the kitchen. I was like, forget it.”

Other Area People stories this week include:

• “Dog Keeps Iceland Awake All Night”: Almost any dog story is funny, but the Icelandic details are great. Poor dog is stuck on an ice floe. Also, The Onion appears to misspell Seyðisfjörður as "Seyhisfjórdhur.”

• “Guy Who Just Wiped Out Immediately Claims He's Fine” is another good headline creating humor out of common situations. It’s unclear whether the “heavily bleeding wound” was serious.

• “Man's Dream To Get Drunk In An A-Frame Finally Realized” feels like something an Onion writer heard from a friend — ridiculous but also plausible. Next up for Pete Strausbaugh “is to get baked at Niagara Falls.”

Were the infographics good?

“Chat-Room Shorthand” is an incredible look at what the internet was. It’s not like people don’t use shorthand offline, especially in business, but Web 1.0 definitely encouraged it. Emoticons existed, as did emoji in Japan, but chat-room shorthand recalls that late 1990s world of dial-up and AOL.

Now, are these jokes funny? Many of them are more creepy/illegal than funny, although that also describes a lot of internet communication. It’s interesting to see a video chat in the background photo — it’s not like Zoom invented video calls in March 2020.

“Worst-Selling Maps” is not a legendary Onion infographic, but it’s a good collection of minor jokes. And if you’ve driven through Pennsylvania, it really does feel like “One-Long-Roadville.”

In case you’re wondering, Carbondale, Ill., doesn’t have many notable celebrities — “Roseanne” actress Laurie Metcalf being one of the most accomplished living celebs.

What columnists ran?

“That Trip To Canada Really Broadened My Horizons” is a follow-up to last week’s “Semester Abroad Spent Drinking With Other American Students,” at least in having Americans who don’t understand what it means to be widely traveled. For example:

“From drinking margaritas in Key West to riding the teacups at Disneyland, I've been a lot of places and seen a lot of things.”

Of course, our author goes to Toronto, which is a fine city but also considered the most American of Canada’s cities. While looking for American fast-food chains, the writer stumbles upon Mr. Sub, a longtime Canadian chain, and marvels at the breaded-fish sub.

Other discoveries:

• Canada uses the metric system.

• There are road signs in French and English because the French also colonized Canada.

• Canadian money looks different.

• The CN Tower is the Canadian Space Needle.

“Seeing the Canadian money also made me think that Canadians wouldn't understand what rappers were talking about when they used the term ‘dead presidents.’ You see, even the universal language of music wouldn't translate well between our two diverse cultures.”

This is deadpan as hell, and I approve.

Our other column is “This $29 Will Feed My Family Or Put A Pittsburgh Steelers Cap On My Head,” and I think we all know which our columnist chooses.

There’s more praise for coach Bill Cowher and running back Jerome Bettis than for his own kids, sadly. The author does praise his wife’s casserole before acknowledging that buying the Steelers cap means not buying the ingredients for the casserole.

This column takes a dark turn as the columnist reveals all the other Steelers merchandise he’s bought, as well as what he hasn’t bought:

We had to put off buying Patrick that new pair of corrective shoes, but it's not like he was a total cripple without them. Sure, he was a little wobbly on the stairs, but he wouldn't exactly be flying up and down them even with the shoes. Besides, a little adversity builds character in a child. He'll thank me when he's older.

What was the best horoscope?

A lot of death this week, plus mentions of rocker Ted Nugent, “Flintstones” character Betty Rubble and composers Gustav Holst and John Williams in this week’s horoscopes, but I’m going with this alternate depiction of Prometheus:

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will be chained to a rock, upon which eagles will devour your liver for all eternity, after you steal the secret of a great marinara sauce from the gods.

What holds up best?

“Work Friends Not Mingling With Other Friends” is not a universal truth, but it does describe many professionals in their 20s and 30s who try to gather all of their friends/acquaintances at the same time.

“President Lincoln Sick Of Time Travelers” is a headline I wish they had made a whole article out of.

What holds up worst?

“Conrad Bain Steps Down As National Kitsch-Reference Laureate” is perfectly fine, but the references are so old! Bain was on “Diff'rent Strokes” until 1986, so I guess it was only 16 years prior, but try making a casual reference to, say, Don Stark nowadays and see how that goes.

(What, you don’t remember Donna’s dad from “That ‘70s Show”? It’s only been off the air since 2006!)

What would be done differently today?

Some kind of Olympics coverage would be included, I’d think, but the bobsled story would need a new approach.

The chat room jokes are too cavalier about online predators, I think. Part of it is the format — in a text-based article, you could add context (and maybe improve the punch lines, too).

But all in all, while there are parts of this issue I wish were slightly funnier, there’s a lot to like. A good mix of real-life and “local” stories.

Thank you

This issue was fun to review because there’s so much real information informing the articles, yet why would anyone remember it 20 years later? The bobsledding controversy is the biggest example. I don’t remember anything specific from the 2002 Olympics, though I’m sure I watched some of it.

Next week, we have some very good headlines and an obvious candidate for the headline The Onion would not repeat 20 years later. Plus, we get dialogue from a genetically modified broccoli.

See you next week for the recap of the Feb. 27, 2002, issue!

1

Probably called “brakewoman” or “brakeperson” now, but back then, Jen Davidson referred to herself as a “brakeman.”

2

It’s also possible this January 2002 New York Observer column or something similar influenced The Onion’s thinking. Personally, as someone who works in business media, this December 2001 Salon column that excoriates Fortune and other business publications for their Enron worship is the most disappointing — but also not surprising.