20 years ago in The Onion, vampire erotica was found on the office printer
Plus, the Iraqi flag that never was, Jeff Gordon, the Orkin Man, the movie "Troy" and columnist Jackie Harvey.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit June 23, 2004.
The only article I remembered before writing this newsletter was “7-Year-Old Asshole Demands You King Him,” which still makes me laugh. The good news is that I am revisiting this issue with as much wonder and discovery as y’all.
I have 2 programming notes:
No issue next week, as The Onion took a summer vacation. We’ll be back July 7.
In April 2004, The Onion launched a premium archive. Didn’t seem worth devoting an entire newsletter to, but I shared to Notes a couple of thoughts, plus links and screenshots.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 25, the 198th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headline “Renter's Insurance: Should You Think About Getting It But Never Do It?” is no longer online. (I never thought about renter’s insurance until I moved into a building that required it.)
On the front page, you’ll see the Iraq story had the chart embedded in the photo of Paul Bremer. But on the website in 2004 and 2024, those images are separated.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
The Onion in June 2004 had a hectic month. Former President Ronald Reagan died right before a print deadline, pushing the paper to publish online-only jokes for (possibly) the first time. Then last week, the 9/11 Commission report took over the news.
This week, we return to the relatively stable environment of the Iraq War’s troubles and foibles.
Let’s start with “Coalition: Vast Majority Of Iraqis Still Alive,” which is one of the most modern Onion takes on warfare and U.S. foreign policy. The joke is that, despite civilian deaths, unexpectedly high resistance from militias and scandals like Abu Ghraib, 99% of Iraqis are still alive — and that’s pretty good!
Also, the country isn’t destroyed. Some schools and hospitals are open!
"There are vast sections of the country where one can go outside unarmed during the daylight hours," Kimmitt said, speaking from a heavily guarded base outside of Baghdad. "Even in cities where fighting has occurred, many neighborhoods have not been torn apart by gunfire. And, throughout the country, more towns than I could name off the top of my head have never been touched by a bomb at all."
This article has jokes, but it’s not trying to be silly. There’s no imagining Kim Jong Il as a giant robot or mocking President George W. Bush’s military service by making him a front-line hero. No, this article is a direct assault on the invasion’s logic, outcomes and continuation.
We can see parallels in The Onion’s later coverage of Syria and then Gaza — for example, August 2013’s “Obama Deeply Concerned After Syrians Gassed To Death On White House Lawn”1 and May 2024’s “Advisors Assure Biden This Will Blow Over Once All Gazans Dead.”
We also hear from numerous real-life officials. Halliburton executive (and future CEO) C. Christopher Gaut gives an update on the oil revenues. Top military officials U.S. Brig. Gen. Mark Kimmitt and Gen. John P. Abizaid give updates.
Iraqi Prime Minister Iyal Allawi shares good news about political assassinations:
"Of the 25 members of the Iraqi Governing Council, 23 survived until the group was replaced last month," Allawi said. "Nine out of 10 times, death threats against those who cooperate with coalition efforts do not end in actual murders."
I don’t remember Iraq getting a new flag as part of the transition from Saddam Hussein. But that’s probably because “Iraq's New Flag” was never adopted due to significant opposition. “Real flag printed on reverse side for when U.S. leaves” is pretty accurate!
“Blank space allows for the addition of sponsor logos” has aged incredibly well. If sports can add sponsors (my favorite is baseball umpires briefly wearing FTX logos), why can’t countries?
The joke about the Kurds being eradicated has thankfully not been borne out.
We also have “Saddam Hussein Freed On Technicality,” in which the lack of a search warrant thwarts U.S. prosecutors. I love this passage, which feels ripped from countless celebrity trial stories:
Hussein, who is still named as the defendant in hundreds of outstanding civil cases, said his release was proof that the system works.
The Onion worried about China, sort of
“China Stockpiling Massive Fireworks Arsenal” is a convoluted way of saying, “Wow, it’s kind of crazy that we set off fireworks as a normal activity, right?”
It’s also a grab-bag of U.S. foreign policy tropes. Why is China involved? I’m guessing the pitch went like this: “China invented fireworks, right? And it’s almost July 4. What can we do with that?”
Some of the tropes:
Modern nuclear weapons are often discussed in terms of how much more powerful they are than the Hiroshima bomb. Hence, the M-80 has "almost a billion times the merriment produced by a single cherry bomb."
The mention of a Black Cat Limitation treaty is a nod to 1980s nuclear treaties and the famous statement by Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping: “Black cat or white cat, as long as it catches mice, it is a good cat.”
China is also discussed in terms of the “weapons of mass destruction” debate we saw ahead of the Iraq invasion. The Big Kahuna firework is real:
"These are not the innocent magic snakes, smoke bombs, and snap-pops that China is legally allowed to deploy for inoffensive purposes," Dowdy said. "These are full-blown instruments of mass recreation—whistling pinwheels, multiple-effect fountains, and single-shot shells that launch 80 feet into the air.
The U.S. government is also worried about fireworks imports, a la the trade war.
The U.S. raises the terror alert, with “reliable intelligence suggesting that a major fireworks-related incident on American soil is being planned for early July.”
I like this article, but I found it too random for my tastes. That said, you could probably share it on Facebook and get somebody to wonder whether it’s a real threat.
Remembering NASCAR’s heyday
NASCAR has suffered massive ratings declines in the past 20 years (even compared to other sports) and has lost the zeitgeist by Formula 1. But in the early 2000s, NASCAR was arguably at its peak popularity — and Jeff Gordon2 was a big part of that.
“Jeff Gordon Never Gets Tired Of Seeing Face On Cheap Plastic Crap” is mostly a list of Gordon’s merchandising deals. I love The Onion’s commitment — no fewer than 30 different branded items.
Gordon loves it:
"The other day, I was at a Kmart and came across the Jeff Gordon Stained Glass Bar Lamp," Gordon said. "It was a lamp with me on it. Can you believe it? That gave me such a kick."
The Jeff Gordon Can Cozie, the Jeff Gordon #24 TrackSider Flip-Flops, and the Jeff Gordon Home Collection Wallpaper Border are just a few of the items that fans, and Gordon himself, can't get enough of.
"The other day, I even saw me-pajamas," Gordon said.
Also, I learned that Jeff Gordon used to have a mustache — crew chief Robbie Loomis has a mug depicting it and wishes Gordon would grow it back.
Gordon realizes that he’s a man of the people, and so his merchandise must remain affordable — well, mostly:
"They wouldn't forgive me if I got a big head. Once in a while, I can authorize a Jeff Gordon Ranger 519DX Bass Boat, or put together a Jeff Gordon-Escort Travel Luxury Tour Of The Holy Land.
I would love to see a Gordon-led tour of the Holy Land.
Area People doing Area Things
I’ve been listening to the “Happy Endings” podcast and reading this deep dive into the movie “Dodgeball.” Both comment on the old days in Hollywood when you’d actually get paper scripts in the mail rather than email attachments or text links.
With that in mind, “Erotic-Horror Screenplay Discovered On Office Printer” feels sadly dated. Offices still have printers, but how many fewer interactions happen around the printer? How likely is it that people print anything out?3
Anyways, the Coldwell Banker real estate office in Evanston, Ill., has a budding eroticist whose draft is titled “Darkness Of Passion”:
The screenplay follows the adventures of a Chicago rock-club owner drawn into the intrigue surrounding a series of mysterious deaths, which follow the arrival of a rock band made up of four beautiful women from Eastern Europe.
Thankfully, The Onion has provided an excerpt. Vampires abound:
While co-workers can’t quite figure out who it is, they note the author’s knowledge of local bus routes and the numerous characters that resemble Coldwell Banker employees.
I’ve said this many times, but The Onion’s secret weapon is in how detailed, specific and voluminous it is when telling jokes. Many of us could conceive of a generic story about somebody’s erotica being found at work, but would we craft these details?
"Take the uptight woman who gets impaled on a tree branch," Lyon said. "That woman was obviously [sales supervisor] Darcy Gasney—the clothes, the hair color, the clipped way she talks. I saw a little of myself in Emily, the tough but sensitive virginal woman with the, uh, huge breasts—the one who becomes the vampire's slave, not the one who sings in the girl band. But I also saw myself in Felicia, the tough but sensitive biker bartender with large breasts. Well, neither character is particularly flattering."
While the co-workers generally panned the script, The Onionc contacts a talent agent who says it has potential as a straight-to-DVD offering.
Other Area People items:
“Employee Keeps Up The Good Work”: Simple and effective.
“Cast, Crew Of Troy Begin Disastrous 10-Year Journey Back To Hollywood”: I missed an Aesop joke last week. I’ll be damned if I didn’t catch this reference.
“Local Woman Dies Of Lost Cell Phone”: This is simultaneously prophetic and highly dated. I love the reference to the Cingular V400 quad band/GSM cell phone.4
“Power-Crazed Orkin Man Burns House To Ground”: Orkin as vigilante is a good joke. Here’s a less violent Orkin commercial (ostensibly from 2003, but I wonder).
“Dysfunctional Family Statistically Average”: This is a good joke buried among many other articles and features. The last line:
“Unbeknownst to the Kenners, one out of four family members will contract chlamydia in his or her lifetime.”
“7-Year-Old Asshole Demands You King Him”: I mean, kids love when they can finally one-up adults, so this checks out.
“Private Space Travel”: The Onion asks people on the street about SpaceShipOne, an early entry in privately financed spaceflight. I’m guessing whoever wrote the joke about sponsoring the Iraqi flag wrote this one, too:
"There's already a flag on the moon, right? Might as well put a Wal-Mart behind that one, too."
Wayne Kupstis • Landscaper
Were the infographics good?
“Top Wedding Costs” is a solid front-page illustration, even if the jokes are predictable. “Breeding of exotic mauve silkworms for bridesmaids’ gowns” is probably my favorite.
What columnists ran?
The Onion’s entertainment columnist, the affable but error-prone Jackie Harvey, returns with “Julia Roberts Is A Pretty Pregnant Woman!”
Jackie sets the tone with the opening paragraph, which reads like Hollywood gossip but is also filled with mistakes and generally off-kilter:
Item! Julia Roberts is going to have a baby! Actually, she's having two babies—twins! It's the beginning of a new dynasty, like the Barrymores or the Bridgeses or the Baldwins. Right when the Olson Sisters got too old to be cute, America's Sweetheart is turning out a whole new set for us to fall in love with. Congrats to Julia and her husband, Lyle Lovitz! (Hope the kids get their looks from Julia!)
Roberts was not with Lyle Lovett in 2004. Her husband was a cameraman she met filming “The Mexican,” and she probably stole him from his wife while dating Benjamin Bratt. Heartwarming!
Anyways, Harvey is full of 2004 pop culture tidbits, including:
Jerry Seinfeld reprising his American Express commercials with Superman, although Harvey wants a spot where Jerry and Superman almost catch “Ossama bin Laden.”
Somehow, Ice-T agreed to produce a David Hasselhoff album? Also, the Hoff had a DUI. Harvey offers advice:
“If you fall in with a bad crowd, bad will come of it. David, you should have hooked up with a nice rapper, like Jay-C. He has his own line of clothes.”
Harvey mourns the end of “Friends,” can’t remember the name of “Frasier” and is dismayed by the profanity on “Deadwood.”
Harvey mourns Reagan and Ray Charles.
“Summer is the season of death. We'll miss you, Ray.”
Also, Jennifer Lopez got married to Marc Anthony. Harvey hopes this isn’t Julius Caesar’s killer.
God, this is a stupid column, even for Harvey’s standards. I still enjoyed it thoroughly, but it’s not for everyone.
Our other column is “I Refuse To Let Some Beached Whale Ruin Our Family Outing,” and while this is fine, I wish the beached whale was the columnist.
A mother, Patricia Halsworthy, has planned this beach outing for weeks, and nothing will stop her — not even a 50-foot sperm whale that’s struggling to live:
No, Eric, we're not going to move. The view is spectacular, and just because a rude old whale decided to die next to it doesn't make it any less so. Stop whining, everyone! Mind over matter. It's a good adage to remember, kids. No matter what obstacle is in front of you, you can still enjoy yourself if you don't pay any attention to it. That's what we're going to do today.
I love how quickly she makes herself the victim instead of the whale. She then attacks her children, noting how she grew up in South Dakota with relatively little, but they’ve had all sorts of adventures.
She actively involves the whale in their setup! Somehow there’s more horror in this column than the erotic-horror screenplay above:
Remember the dead starfish you found on the beach last year? Well, this is no different.
Kylie, stop crying.
There's more to see on this outing than just some silly old bloated dying whale. Like that buzzard over there! Hello, Mr. Buzzard!
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Gemini, which honors the memory of Ray Charles:
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You're about to go through a very sad time of the soul, but now that Ray Charles is dead, that's pretty much true for everybody.
What holds up best?
I love all the front-page headlines. So funny in so few words.
I have so many favorites in this issue. I’ll reluctantly choose “Dysfunctional Family Statistically Average.”
What holds up worst?
This issue is pretty funny all the way through, and a surprisingly high number of jokes still work in 2024. But I’ll cautiously say “Top Wedding Costs,” because the jokes are largely generic. Plus, The Onion’s done this joke a number of times.
What would be done differently today?
It’s funny to see The Onion do an entire story on any NASCAR driver, even Jeff Gordon, and yet ignore the NBA Finals, Stanley Cup finals and golf majors.
For perspective, I’m 99% sure Tom Brady has had zero Onion mentions in the 4.5 years I’ve written this newsletter. Alex Rodriguez has been in 2 items.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others! I’m happy to have a week off for vacation and my birthday, but we’ll be back July 7.
As I’ve discussed, the Syrian civil war saw The Onion’s most hawkish coverage to date. Real-life news outlets scrutinized this, both positively and negatively. To be fair, the Syrian conflict also had lighthearted satire, like the classic “Syria Conflict Intensifies As Bears Enter War.”
The only NASCAR race I ever attended was won by Jeff Gordon — the rain-shortened Poconos 400 in 2007.
I think I’ve used a printer like 3-4 times in the last half-decade, all of them for some kind of legal forms like filing my taxes or starting my LLC.
My 1st cell phone was from Cingular, when I was in Baltimore for college. When I drove to central New York for a job interview, the service cut out just north of New York City and never returned.
Bus routes popping up in an erotic horror film is such a great small joke, as is an employee using the interview as an excuse to take a dig at management.