You can't find this 20-year-old story on The Onion's website

Why did The Onion remove a 2003 story about Kim Jong Il as a giant robot with nuclear rockets? Also, let's about F-150s, the Muppets, the dot-com bust, hotel mini-bars and wedding vows.

Jan 22, 2023

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Jan. 22, 2003.

This week, follow along as I desperately try to learn about Gundam so I can understand a story about Kim Jong Il. (Also, where is the article?!)

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What issue is this?

This was Vol. 39, Issue 02, the 131st new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today.

There were 2 front page headlines that are no longer online. I’m sure both made people laugh in 2003 (I probably laughed!), but they aren’t terribly creative:

“Mormon Family Trying To Ignore Dog's Huge Boner”
“Ikea Manager Böring”

I wonder whether The Onion’s design team had problems getting the umlaut to load in Adobe Pagemaker or whatever they were using back then.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Kim Jong Il marches through the streets of Pyongyang.

“Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot” reminds me of the impossible task I’ve given myself with this newsletter! There’s no way 1 person — let alone me — can possibly recognize and explain every cultural reference and news story from 20 years ago.

I mean, I literally didn’t know what Gundam was until this week. So if my analysis here feels incomplete, it is! I won’t pretend to be an expert on this subject.

Here’s my pledge: I’ll do my best to research the cultural and pop culture references, but I know I’ll miss some. As always, use the comments to let me know what I’ve overlooked. I’m grateful to learn more from y’all.

Anyways, here’s the other weird thing about this North Korea article: It’s not on The Onion’s website, disappearing at some point after 2013. Did The Onion delete this article — perhaps fearing a Sony-like cyberattack?

Or was it simply misplaced during one of The Onion’s website overhauls and ownership changes, like so many old Onion pages have been?1

Whatever the reason, I’m linking today to the 2003 version, preserved by Internet Archive.

A South Korean border soldier eyes Kim Jong Il in the Demilitarized Zone.

So, is this article funny? And what’s it about? Basically, North Korean ruler Kim Jong Il continues to cause trouble after breaking a real-life treaty in January 2003 and being denounced by The Onion’s George W. Bush.

To the best of my understanding, he turns into a robot from the “Gundam” universe, except he has “Taepo-Dong ICBMs” along with wingblades and feet that generate waves of energy.

Kim also has catchphrases:

"The imperialist West is holding my country to standards which it does not see fit to meet itself," continued Kim, his voice now a metallic, digitized boom emanating from somewhere within the titanium helmet sheathing his head. "This does not surprise me, as they are well-famed for their lies."
"Pyongyang Dynamo Power Punch!" added Kim, as he released his fist-modules skyward with twin robotic uppercuts.

What type of Gundam robot is he? My internet sleuthing suggests Kim might be based on this one from 1988’s “Char's Counterattack”:

The U.S. is very concerned by this unexpected development, with real-life diplomat James Kelly immediately bringing up the Axis of Evil:

Added Kelly: "We are also forced to consider the possibility that Kim may attempt to robo-meld with other members of the Axis of Evil, forming a MegaMecha-Optima-Robosoldier. Kim would make a powerful right arm—or even a torso—for such a mechanism."

This is wonderfully silly. North Korea is such a serious subject most of the time. I love that The Onion treats the country’s mystery and isolation as an opportunity to imagine strange new worlds. I also like that The Onion treats the Axis of Evil like it’s a comic-book villain supergroup.

I’m also glad they didn’t try to make this a Power Rangers satire.

“Father Wants Only The Best For His Truck” cleverly combines the classic tale of the father trying to set his kids up for success with the American love of the Ford F-150.

Lumberyard manager Charles "Chuck" Maurer wants to leave a better world for his children, like so many parents do. Children in this case are a pickup truck (but not the family’s other car, a 1994 Chevy Corsica).

"When I gave it leather seats and a custom grill cover, a part of me feared it was too much," Maurer said. "But then I thought about Dad's poor '75 Chevy pick-up and how it didn't have any options. If you want your truck to be the best it can possibly be, you need to make sure it has options."

Maurer, seen here with his wife and sons, is dedicated to being a good provider for his Ford F150.

This Onion article hits all the parenting tropes: getting your truck/child off to a strong start so they don’t start later, the importance of quality time, having patience, building character, and the horrors of abuse:

"Some men ignore their trucks for years, and then, when rust spots appear, they act surprised," Maurer said. "By that point, though, it's too late. So I always tell truck owners to cherish the early years and make the most of them. You can't undo the damage you do to a truck, and when the warranty expires, you can't go back in time and relive those years."

I don’t have children or a truck, and even I get all the references here.

Articles that feel accidentally relevant right now

“New Economy Wistfully Recalled As Tiny Dot-Com Promotional Object Found In Drawer” is a weird story to revisit right now as big tech companies lay off tens of thousands of employees.

Does this opening paragraph sound completely out of place in 2023?

The "New Economy"—the Internet-driven business landscape once predicted to make "bricks and mortar" retailers obsolete—was wistfully recalled Monday, when a small dot-com promotional item was discovered in the junk drawer of former dot-commer Eric Noyce.

Noyce is described as a former Pets.com employee. Pets.com was that startup with the sock puppet that sued Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

I thought these would be fake venture-backed startups like “antHead.com.” But the dot-com bust was so silly that The Onion mostly picked real, bankrupt companies.

Flooz.com was real! And Whoopi Goldberg did TV commercials for it!!2 Kozmo.com was a one-hour delivery service in the 1990s, and Boo.com tried to be an early online retailer.

Last week, I talked about Flash. This week, we have the even older Shockwave:

Added Noyce: "I think the antHead site offered either original Shockwave-animated programming, live music webcasts, or both. Or neither."

Tech media coverage tends to, (with notable exceptions, praise startups on the way up and Monday morning quarterback them afterward. For comment this time, The Onion selects real-life reporter Peter Kafka:

"Prosperity seemed to hang from tree boughs like ripe fruit," said Forbes senior writer Peter Kafka, author of What The F@%* Happened?!?: The New Economy—Fall '97 To Winter 2K. "A revolutionary cyber-transformation of global culture and commerce seemed only 12 to 18 months away, and it felt like nothing could ever go wrong. It was a time of innocence, idealism, and magic."

Sadly, I don’t believe Kafka actually wrote a book called “What The F@%* Happened?!?: The New Economy—Fall '97 To Winter 2K.”

This article is well-written and avoids The Onion’s occasionally Luddite tone from the early 2000s. There was so much to mock about the dot-com bubble that you didn’t have to also hate technology.

“Skeptic Pitied” is simply a story of various believers (in Christ, tarot, alternative medicine, astrology and Scientology) feeling bad for Craig Schaffner of Fayetteville, Arkansas, because he doesn’t believe in any of them.

"Skeptics” these days make me think of, well, basically every loud person on social media or TV who doesn’t believe the official line about anything (or, doesn’t believe the anti-official line). Here, it’s a more traditional meaning.

Craig is not interviewed, but many other people in his life are, including his brother Frank, the Scientologist:

"I realize that Craig seems very happy with his narrow little common-sense-based worldview," Frank continued, "but when you think of all the widely embraced beliefs that are excluded by that way of thinking, you have to feel kind of sad."

Area People doing Area Things

The short articles this week are quietly funny, although “Merle Haggard Haggard” is either brilliant or awful, depending on your mood.

The other front-page photo/headline is “Grandma Knitting Escape Ladder,” which has a nice Rapunzel vibe.

Were the infographics good?

“Recent Medical Studies” was sparked by the (questionable?) early-2000s surveys that connected moderate alcohol use to heart health.

These jokes are angry and obvious, but I like The Onion’s inherent skepticism here. And “Cheese, particularly melted cheese, good,” is the type of science we can all support.

“What's The Secret To Our Delicious Pancakes?” continues The Onion’s run of early-2000s “soylent” jokes. Who knew that Silicon Valley would actually fund soylent brands years later?!

“The Order of Jemimans” is a joke I almost read right over. I really like this collection of jokes, although I also want pancakes now.

What columnists ran?

“I Appreciate The Muppets On A Much Deeper Level Than You” is by occasional columnist and superfan of all pop culture Larry Groznic, who we last saw in September 2002 with the incredible “I Regret To Say Your Wedding Falls Square In The Middle Of The Prisoner Marathon.”

To call back to Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, remember when he visited “Star Wars” fans waiting outside for the new movie? They are all Larry Groznic.

This time, Groznic is upset at someone named Dennis — not over arcane arguments about Muppet lore, per se, but because Dennis is also bidding on eBay for the CD soundtrack to “The Muppet Movie.”

Instead, Dennis should have offered to team up and use the “Buy Now” feature on eBay. Groznic also believes he is the better Muppets fan, having introduced “The Muppet Movie” to Dennis and appreciating it more thoroughly.

Dennis also committed the sins of saying “The Muppet Christmas Carol” is a better movie3 and that Weezer's Muppets music video was "perfect."

But Groznic absolutely hates that film! He basically denies everything made after Jim Henson’s death, which must have made the past 30 years miserable for him:

“Mark my words, history will record post-Henson Muppet products as distinctly inferior. On that I would bet my ultra-rare VHS copy of the pioneering interactive comedy video Hey, You're As Funny As Fozzie Bear.”

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but history has proven Groznic is a narrow thinker when it comes to the Muppets!

Our other column is the advice-column parody “Ask A Bride And Groom's Self-Penned Wedding Vows.” I’ve seen some good self-written vows, but I’ve also seen these go poorly (people forgetting what they rehearsed, not being nearly as funny as they think they are, etc.)

Funnily enough, the 1st letter-writer has a question about staying friends with the mother of an ex. But the letters don’t matter. Ultimately, the advice is always going to be off-topic. For instance, in response to a question about weight-loss tactics:

“Kris, you are my palomino stallion. You are truly like a stallion in that you are broad and strong, and you carry me to heights of love I have never before even dreamt of. Kris, thank you so much for being such an important part of my life. I will love you forever. In addition, you are a groom, and grooms take care of horses, and to me that is no coincidence. I do not believe in coincidence. This was truly meant to happen.”

I would love to be at a wedding where someone takes “groom” to literally mean horse care.

What was the best horoscope?

The horoscope this week had some great entries, including a 3 a.m. call from Willie Nelson, a sly joke about ATMs, and time travel, I have to go with Capricorn. No one talks about the downsides of this life approach!

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
After experiencing a sudden and profound shift in priorities, you spend all your time making love instead of money, causing you to die exhausted and penniless.

What holds up best?

So many good candidates this week. As much as I love the absurdity of Kim Jong Il becoming a robot, “New Economy Wistfully Recalled As Tiny Dot-Com Promotional Object Found In Drawer” is a wonderful mockery of the dot-com era and still feels relevant today.

What holds up worst?

There’s nothing awful about “Eliminating Stock-Dividend Taxes,” but it’s a 20-year-old item about legislation that didn’t pass and isn’t well-remembered. This is The Onion’s main mention of President George W. Bush this week.

What would be done differently?

Maybe BTS would be involved in the North Korea story today, also as transformer-type superheroes?

For the skeptic story, The Onion’s “related stories” feature provides an answer: “Aaron Rodgers To Decide Future By Consulting With Coven Of Trusted Witches.”

No mention of Martin Luther King Jr. Day in this issue or the week prior. I’m not saying The Onion should have made jokes about it! But you’d expect an acknowledgment nowadays.

Thank you

Grateful to have y’all here, especially for my meanderings into lost Onion articles and old YouTube videos. We’ll be back next week with Willy Wonka, GameCube, reality TV and debate team partying.

Best I can tell, the Kim Jong Il article was replaced by … sponsored content for the TNT show “Falling Skies.” This 2016 archive version redirects to the sponcon. Capitalism triumphed?

From the sparse Wikipedia page, Flooz.com kind of sounds like a cryptocurrency of its day.

I feel like in 2023, popular opinion loves the Muppet Christmas Carol, right?

The Onion: 20 Years Later