20 years ago in The Onion, Disney ruined a vacation
We also have the GOP's big profits, Hillary Clinton's memoir, an overconfident college DJ, a crisis in Uzbekistan and much more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit June 18, 2003.
I'm grateful and a bit shocked to have over 1,000 of you subscribing to this hobby I assigned myself 3.5 years ago. I'm still having fun, learning and laughing, and I'm always delighted when people recommend this newsletter, like a Reddit thread this week did. Thanks to all of you.
Next week, we’re off, as The Onion didn’t publish.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 23, the 151st new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003 and today. The Internet Archive didn’t have a 2013 version of this issue.
The front-page headlines “5-Year-Old Stares Longingly Down Garbage Chute” and “ATM Slapped” are no longer online. “ATM Slapped” makes me laugh. Have you been to an ATM more than once in the past 12 months? I haven't. So many fewer reasons to need cash anymore.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“GOP Reports Record Second-Quarter Profits” is a solid lead story, especially in an era where President George W. Bush was pushing through his 2nd tax cut in 3 years. It’s not just an anti-GOP article but a specific political criticism of the tax cuts and the return to budget deficits.
That said, my favorite Onion stories are more of the Area Man variety. For political stories of this era, I favor absurdist fare like “Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle” and “Clinton To PLO Terrorists: 'Leave The Girl Out Of It.’”
I suspect I’m in the minority here, and that’s OK!
I love the Dick Cheney photo on the left. I’m glad The Onion kept having fun with Cheney, even if 9/11 and Iraq made that more difficult. In this article, Cheney complains that the GOP is “spending way too much in our Health and Human Services and our Education departments.”
The Democrats, by the way, have suffered 10 quarters of losses, and CEO (House Minority Leader) Dick Gephardt offers a corporate-sounding explanation:
"Right now, we've got some organizational problems that need to be worked out," Democratic Party CEO Dick Gephardt said. "To be successful in this game, you need an internal leadership structure that gives your company a top-to-bottom sales vision, and I'll be the first to admit we've got room for improvement in that area. It certainly doesn't help that the market for some of our core businesses, like public housing and health care, are in the toilet."
The Onion covered a couple of other interesting political stories around Father’s Day 2003. One was the Federal Communications Commission opening up same-city ownership of TV stations and newspapers.1 “FCC Media Deregulation” asks people what they think of that. There are good jokes here, including early-2000s bugaboo Clear Channel and a Noam Chomsky mention.
This is my favorite, in part because I learned today the Chicago Tribune still carries this comic:
"Oh, crap. Now, both my local papers will carry Hagar The Horrible."
Kris Eccles • Cashier
“U.S. Refuses To Allow U.N. Weapons Inspectors Back Into Iraq” is a clever reversal of 2002-03’s refusal by Iraq to fully cooperate with inspectors. This short article occurs less than 2 weeks before Hans Blix’s departure as lead U.N. inspector.2
“Hillary's Bestseller” which is easily the least relevant item 20 years later. It’s very 2003 in using a photo of Hillary looking like Al Pacino in one of his more shouty movies.
The jokes are decent, with the best one being the accidentally prescient “Has no plans to run for president in 2004 or 2012.”
Not political in 2003 but political now
“Disney Family Vacation Ruined By Walt Disney Company” is about what Disney was mocked for until about 12 months ago: Being overly strict, overly priced and herding visitors through the parks.
“There was a lot of gorgeous greenery, but most of it was roped off,” said Amy Mahaffey, 34. “You could only leave the path if you wanted to go into a shop or café. It made me imagine some behind-the-scenes pencil pusher wanting to save the company a few bucks on sod and petunias, or to ward off potential injury lawsuits. I wanted to be a kid again, but I might as well have stayed at work.”
Mickey Mouse also disappointed — described as “hugging a pile of laundry” by 8-year-old Abby Mahaffey.
The family sums up the worst-case view of Disney:
“We thought a Disney family vacation meant laughter, relaxation, and release from your everyday cares,” Mahaffey said. “Well, I guess we were wrong. Apparently, it means over-stimulation, the Disney logo absolutely everywhere, and $15 keychains.”
The other newly political joke is the front-page photo and headline “Taste Acquired.”
These are solid jokes by The Onion but also easy: Disney and Budweiser have been easy targets for decades because of their market dominance. They’re also fascinating examples of context changing over time — if you view these jokes differently now, that’s fine, but that’s also not The Onion’s fault.
Area People doing Area Things
“95 Percent Of Opinions Withheld On Visit To Family” is a nice surprise for summer, as this feels like a Thanksgiving or Christmas article — going home to see the family for the holidays and repressing your views.
You might assume this article is about politics, but it’s about pop-culture tastes. There are many layers of potential humor here. Justin Wilmot is surely correct in his opinions about “Legally Blonde 2,” “Daddy Day Care,” Tropical Sprite and other topics, so you can laugh with him and at his family.
But look at that photo. He can easily be viewed as insufferable — a classic 26-year-old who moved to the big city and decided everything about his hometown was stupid.
His communication style seems to be that of disdain:
"There was a time when my sister would mention how much she wants an SUV, and I'd be unable to resist launching into a whole thing about how irresponsible and wasteful they are. But after receiving my thousandth blank, confused stare from everybody at the table, I realized it was futile," Wilmot said. "Now, I don't even flinch when my dad mentions he's reading 'this amazing book called The Celestine Prophecy.' That's how bad it is."
Wilmot also seems believes Target is inferior to Wal-Mart.
This is one of those timeless articles based on human nature. Sure, Iraq, AM radio and Celine Dion might not be today’s hot topics, but every family has disagreements. And many people feel their only choices are to argue vehemently or stay quiet like this guy.
“College-Radio DJ Thinks He Has Cult Following” reminds me of Ted Mosby’s “Dr. X” alter-ego from “How I Met Your Mother” — a college radio DJ who also was deluded about his following. Here’s Dr. X for comparison:
The Onion’s version is set at real-life WEIU 88.9 FM at Eastern Illinois University. Jordan Haley is DJ Hale Storm3 and believes he has about 1,000 listeners every time he’s on the air — a “guesstimate,” he calls it.
Haley’s self-described strength is that he plays an eclectic mix of music for everyone:
But with me, you never know what you're gonna get. I might play something like the new Sigur Rós, then turn around and play something off the new Oxes record. Or maybe even Lovecup's 'Hi Pazoo,' which is one of the best songs from the mid-'90s Champaign scene. I challenge my audience, and that's why people respond to my show. My success should prove to other radio stations that people don't want to be spoon-fed their music."
To be fair, Haley knows about music and takes the job seriously. He’s just not getting the audience he thinks he has. Only 1 caller in 2 years, sadly.
I wish we heard from his girlfriend or his stoned friends who occasionally make requests. But I respect The Onion choosing only to quote Haley.
Other Area People stories include:
“Father's Day Gift Way Shittier Than Mother's Day Gift”: Dad gets $9 socks and no card; Mom got an $85 spa treatment package.
“Art Student's Nudes Obviously Drawn From Hustler”: This front-page photo (moderately NSFW) also feels ancient. Hustler still exists, but is it anyone’s muse today?
“Christ Returns For Some Of His Old Things”: This is very silly, but I enjoyed it. The timing is probably my favorite part — 2 months after Easter.
“Banks Introduce 75-Cent Surcharge For Using Word 'Bank’”: The banking industry is always trying to introduce new fees, but I feel we’ve made improvements? Either way, this joke was much-needed 20 years ago. The American Banking Association is fictional — the real-life ABA is “Bankers.”
“Woman Checks Terror-Alert Level Before Leaving For Work”4: I love the quote “I'd hate to assume that the level is still Elevated, only to find myself caught in a High-level situation.”
Were the infographics good?
“Why Did We Propose?” is a great collection of silly jokes. I love the illustration. “Because we…love you?” is doubly good because it feels like the conversation went: “Will you marry me?” and then “Why are you asking?”
“Always wanted a mistress” is a curious version of 4-D chess.
What columnists ran?
“You Are A Beautiful Woman, And I Mean That In A Completely Non-Threatening Way” feels like it can be read in many ways, depending on your personal experience and when you read this (2003, 2023, pre- or post-MeToo, etc.).
This Onion column is a classic template — one main joke told repeatedly in increasingly elaborate ways. This technique can be very effective, but it can also be annoying for some readers. This excerpt sums up the basic idea:
I never would run my hands through your hair, unless I had first gained your explicit approval. I'm not one of those men who only thinks of satisfying his own animal needs. Trust me, if we were ever to get together, I would consider all your needs, both physical and emotional, so you would have no reason to find me selfish.
Please! Don't run away. And when I say "Don't run away," know that I mean it in the least "I'm gonna get you" way possible.
The most impressive thing is this column anticipates so much awful online interaction on social platforms and dating apps. That’s not a good thing — I’m just saying that The Onion understood human nature.
This column is fine, but if you want a similar but better Onion article, read 2007’s “Construction Worker Still Hasn't Given Up On True Love.” Same complete lack of self-awareness, but less harrowing dialogue.
Our other column is one of the most truly bizarre — and delightful — headlines of 2003: “By Now, The Uzbekistanis Have Discovered The Disappearance Of Their Orbital Platform.” This was a semi-regular column in the 2000s by Dept. Head Rawlings. I last wrote about Rawlings in 2002’s “Allow Me To Introduce You To The Other Members Of Alpha Bravo Team,” where I described the column as such:
The article’s tone and language remind me of the 1999 John Frankenheimer movie “Ronin,” a classic MacGuffin movie that takes great joy in explaining its characters’ nationalities and skills before the big job.
In 2003, we’re again dropped into the middle of a spy thriller with an elaborate backstory. Such as:
Gentlemen, Mei-Ling, we are in crisis as of seven minutes ago, when space station UCCCPZ-5476-43-B failed to crest the horizon over Gdazny. Even if our adversary's NKVD-trained orbital-warfare officers have been uncharacteristically slow on the uptake, we must assume that the Uzbekistanis have, by now, discovered the disappearance of their Rasputin orbital kinetic-energy-weapon platform.
This whole article feels like the plot of the past few “Fast and Furious” movies, except slightly more coherent. I love this column, but know that The Onion’s staff wrote this for themselves more than for you:
All right. Technically, I'm not supposed to ask, but do we have any survivors of Project Yggdrasil in this room? Don't give me that look, Molyneaux! Allegations of mutiny and cannibalism were never proven, and they may be the finest zero-gravity combat elements in the Western world.
What was the best horoscope?
There are a couple of disturbing references in this week’s horoscopes, so let’s go with the comforting commercialism of Aquarius:
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
This is the last chance to renew your subscription to Aquarius. Act now to ensure uninterrupted access to this valuable business, entertainment, and predicting tool.
What holds up best?
“Banks Introduce 75-Cent Surcharge For Using Word 'Bank’” is my favorite joke, for some reason.
I think any of the long-form “local” articles — the college radio DJ, Disney trip, the man withholding his opinions — are still excellent reads 20 years later.
What holds up worst?
The Hillary Clinton book infographic. This is less about Hillary Clinton and more that almost all political memoirs are immediately forgotten.
What would be done differently today?
The joke “Desperate to reassert rapidly fading homosexuality” in the “Why Did We Propose?” infographic feels very 20 years ago. There’s surely other angles you could take today even if you wanted to make a joke about a closeted man in a relationship with a woman.
Thank you
The Onion took a week off in late June for a short summer break. We’ll be back on July 2.
Again, I appreciate y’all being here. Please keep leaving comments and sharing this newsletter, or any of your favorite stories/issues! So much of The Onion’s archive is disappearing or hard to find, and I’m determined to preserve history wherever possible.
There’s a lot of debate about this rule change and further loosening in recent years. I’m not sure anything short of banning the internet and smartphones would have saved local journalism, but this ruling probably didn’t help.
Notably, not the rock band Halestorm, which existed in 2003 but didn’t release a major-label album until 2009.
The Onion seemed to favor Iowa for folksy terror stories, including the post-9/11 “Security Beefed Up At Cedar Rapids Public Library” and 2003’s Iraq war-themed “Local Mom Whips Up Some Of Her Famous War Pie.”