20 years ago, Al Gore, spies and Hamlet were on The Onion's mind
We also have Dell Computers, 11-year-olds smoking and the 20-year re-release of "E.T." to remind us how long ago 2002 really was.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 20, 2002.
Welcome to new subscribers! This newsletter is a long read. So if you prefer, scroll through to find the Onion stories you want to read. I link to basically everything The Onion published 20 years ago.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 10, the 96th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 95th issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.
The front-page headline “Burger King Trainee Tipped By Grandparents” is no longer online. Also on the front page: The Onion continuing to mock Slobodan Milosevic and a disturbing reference to Gene Shalit.
Shalit is a great example of why I do this newsletter. He was well-known to many Americans due to his decades on “Today.” Now? Probably unfamiliar to most people under 40. This isn’t Shalit’s fault; time moves on from most of us.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
The Onion had two tales of love this week — one marred by a big mistake and the other surprisingly robust.
“Gores Enjoying Best Sex Of Their Lives” reads differently today because Al and Tipper Gore separated in 2010. Doesn’t mean they couldn’t have been having amazing sex in 2002, but the mood obviously changed. What also reads differently in 2022? The Gores excitedly discussing their lovemaking with Matt Lauer.
We also have a change in how The Onion depicted Al Gore, which was usually as hapless sidekick to Bill Clinton or someone in denial about not being president. Here, Al is happy and randy, redeeming “love coupons,” joining the mile-high club and, it’s implied, making love in the “Today” show green room.
Like many great Onion stories, we’re given historical context:
Not since Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter left the White House for Plains, GA, in January 1981 has there been such an upswing in post-Executive Office coitus.
Our other lovemaking article is my favorite recurring columnist, Smoove B. Unfortunately, he has strayed and is seeking forgiveness in “Girl, She Means Nothing To Me.”
If you’ve read any Smoove B, you’ll know he loves to explain at great length how he will make romantic gestures by using limo rides, restaurant reservations, wines, international cheeses, aphrodisiac foods or bearskin rugs. Here, despite his apologies, he sticks to the script.
Smoove promises to travel to 3 continents to secure just 1 perfect piece of Godiva!
Once I possess the piece of chocolate, I will carry it back to your apartment on foot, not stopping even when my leg muscles scream in indescribable pain. On and on will I walk until I have brought this magnificent morsel of candy to your bedside. I will then put it inside the mouth of my queen using a pair of specially constructed solid-gold chocolate-feeding tongs.
How much do solid-gold tongs cost? We’ll never know. What about that other woman, however? Smoove has an answer:
That other woman? You must believe me when I say that I would not walk down to the Mobil station to get her a Clark bar.
Smoove continues with describing the dinner reservation he has planned. And, like nearly every Smoove romance, “doggystyle” is the end game.
The U.S. government in action
The Onion in this era usually satirized the U.S. government in 2 ways: straightforward mockery or outlandish alternate reality, like the post-2000 election civil war.
There’s one straightforward government item this week — The Onion asking people on the street about “The Nuclear Response,” which was President George W. Bush’s desire to increase the nation’s nuclear arsenal. Among the responses:
"This is a difficult issue, but, ultimately, nuclear preparedness is the only answer to the problem of global population."
Tom Bankhead • Developer
What’s different about the March 20, 2002, issue is that The Onion has 3 stories that dive into conspiracy in one way or another. First, we have “Shadow Government Attracts Shadow Protesters”:
"We unfortunately cannot comment on our feelings about the Shadow Government at this time," said an unnamed protester, neither confirming nor denying reports that he or she accused the Shadow Government of violating the U.S. Constitution.
I think The Onion in 2002 was simply working out a logic puzzle of shadow government protesters, not offering serious “deep state” commentary.
Related to that is the more straightforward “SLA Murder Trial Nostalgic Trip Back To More Innocent Time,” which reflected real-life trial proceedings in 2001-02. Again, it feels more like The Onion is making fun of people romanticizing the old days than suggesting the 1970s were actually better:
"Pet rocks, Jerry Ford jokes, small bands of kooky, disorganized terrorists shooting up local banks... Those were the days."
The best and most enjoyable riff on shadowy forces this week, however, is “Allow Me To Introduce You To The Other Members Of Alpha Bravo Team,” which is a debriefing by the mysterious Department Head Rawlings.
The article’s tone and language reminds me the 1999 John Frankenheimer movie “Ronin,” a classic MacGuffin movie that takes great joy in explaining its characters’ nationalities and skills before the big job.
Rawlings offers his condolences on the death of the agent’s father, saying, “I realize you had your differences, but he was proud of you.” Rawlings later introduces each member of the team, each having a special skill. The deaf “Dutchman,” for example, is a master lockbreaker because “He can still sense vibrations, you see.”
Rawlings explains this while cryptically referencing events like “Riyadh for that incident in '99” or “A survivor of our November gambit.”
Rawlings is also chivalrous or sexist, depending on your perspective:
Finally, there's Mei Ling. She'll be the eyes and ears, coordinating you and the others through the Xerxes satellite communication system. The subvocal transceivers in your mastoid sinus will filter out most vocal inflection, but it's her voice you'll hear. Barring unforeseen circumstances, this is the only time you'll ever see her. I may be old-fashioned, but I'll be damned if I'll put a woman in harm's way.
What else do we know about Rawlings? Well, not much. Rawlings’ bio includes a possible Patriot Act diss:
“Due to the Federal Denial Of Access To Information Act of 2001, no further details concerning Department Head Rawlings are available.”
Dell Computers
“Corporation Reaches Goal, Shuts Down” is funny, of course, because no corporation ever gets tired of making money, and even if a successful company wanted to get out, it would find a buyer.
Michael Dell was a wunderkind, and Dell in 2002 was still known as that company that made customized PCs and had great customer service. And The Onion shares how excited Dell is to check off the last box of corporate goals (he literally checks a box). Also mentioned is the real-life president and chief operating officer, Kevin Rollins (later CEO).
The article is sort of written like it’s about an athlete who’s broken a record, or an explorer who’s made the big discovery — where they feel a big letdown afterward. Likewise, Michael Dell doesn’t know what to do with himself:
"We were so focused on getting where we wanted to go that we didn't always step back and take a moment to savor the ride," Dell said. "We knew that last day would eventually come, but I guess we always imagined it being somewhere off in the distant future."
The Onion is upbeat and positive, which signals its cynicism about corporations better than a grandstanding article would have. For example, the only mention of the 32,000 now-unemployed workers is Dell thanking them like he’s giving an Oscars speech.
Area People doing Area Things
“Hilarious Hamlet Essay Circulated In Teachers' Lounge” is a good reminder to not look back at old school essays. You’ll feel embarrassed, even if you got a good grade!
I can only hope my writing topped this:
"I'm no Hamlet expert, but I think the best part is where she says, 'Hamlet thought that he was bound up inside a nutshell, which was Shakespeare's way of showing us that Hamlet was symbolically nuts,'" said Ringheiser between bites of a tuna-salad sandwich.
These teachers (and a basketball coach) take turns reading a student’s essay out loud. Here’s another example:
"Listen to this: 'When we first see Hamlet comma he is getting over his father's death comma which some say comma indeed comma was a shock to Hamlet comma and he could not get over it when he sees his father's ghost comma which comma wants revenge,'" Burroughs read aloud during her turn. "If you ask me comma this paper sucks pretty bad."
I also like that The Onion mentions one “idealistic” teacher who does not like such mockery.
And, as I mention week after week, any Onion article that’s vaguely a sociological study will include a quote from an academic expert. In this story, that expert reminds us that it’s 2002 by casually dropping the R word.
“11-Year-Olds' Entire Plan For Night Is To Smoke Cigarettes” feels like it’s from a different era. Not that kids don’t smoke, but there must be endless, tech-heavy ways that 11-year-olds cause trouble today. Also, the photo looks especially Photoshopped.
The article has lots of details about the planning involved, the smoking histories of these 5th-graders, the park they chose for their furtive smoking and even how they’ll cover up the smell:
"I snagged a bottle of Febreeze from the hall closet and put it in my backpack," Brandt said. "That should cover up the smell. If that doesn't work, we've already decided to tell our parents we were hanging out right near the smoking section at Denny's."
Remember smoking sections in restaurants?
Despite this article feeling antiquated in talking about smoking as the youth activity, the last line of the article can apply to anything. Just swap out the nouns:
"If there's one thing even better than smoking," Brandt said, "it's talking about smoking."
Other “Area People” items include:
“Indian-American Child Having Difficulty Finding Bicycle License Plate With His Name On It”: You do feel sorry for 9-year-old Dinesh. Also noteworthy is that the 2 stores mentioned, Toys “R” Us and KB Toys, no longer exist.
“Waitress Only Friendly When Bringing The Check”: This is a simple “slice of life” Onion article.
“Atonal Composers Gather For Atony Awards”: Someone did their research, as the article mentions Karlheinz Stockhausen receiving the Olivier Messiaen Lifetime Achievement Award. Both were real composers known for their unusual approach to music.
Were the infographics good?
I forgot about the “E.T.” re-release and have not seen it. Good job by The Onion in mocking an obvious cash grab.
My favorite is “A bunch of dinosaurs thrown into background,” which is always a good way to needle Steven Spielberg. And just try to imagine that poor boy smearing mayonnaise everywhere.
The Drew Barrymore joke made me chuckle despite knowing it’s mean, but then again, we were all getting those jokes out of our system 20 years ago. And thankfully she’s only having success these days.
“Top-Selling Dollar-Store Items” is fascinating because this is before the Great Recession, after which dollar stores exploded and took over much of America. They might not have the best reputation, but millions of Americans rely on them as the main store around. 20 years ago, it was much easier to mock them as a joke.
My family sometimes went to the dollar store when I was a kid. And there was a lot of random stuff there. But nothing as ridiculous as the above, so good job by The Onion in exaggerating.
Sadly, I don’t believe there was a real crossover between Krull and Apple Jacks.
What was the best horoscope?
We’ve already covered both columnists — the Alpha Bravo team and Smoove B — so let’s go to horoscopes.
Libra is sort of a sly follow-up to last week’s “Study Finds Sexism Rampant In Nature,” as both feature humans who assume that animals have the same motivations, mindset and sociological structure as we do.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your impassioned calls for equality between the races continue to go unheeded by the world's cetacean rulers.
I also want to mention this one as a longtime professional copy editor:
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will feel clearer and more organized but somehow less vital when the story of your life is professionally copy-edited.
What holds up best?
“Defiant Milosevic Eats Big, Sloppy Sandwich During Trial” makes me laugh, especially with the ridiculous photo.
But let’s single out “Corporation Reaches Goal, Shuts Down” as a great corporate critique that exposes how “purpose” for businesses doesn’t make a ton of sense if the only purpose is to perpetually make more money and grow bigger.
The Onion’s story works, however, because it doesn’t get on a soapbox about any of that. It simply tells the joke as an earnest story — and that’s often the best way to satirize something.
What holds up worst?
“Gores Enjoying Best Sex Of Their Lives” and “11-Year-Olds' Entire Plan For Night Is To Smoke Cigarettes” are not bad stories. They just feel ancient. And that’s OK — I mean, this is a nostalgia newsletter in many ways.
What would be done differently today?
The Onion is forced to respond quicker to events today because it’s a website (and social channels, etc.), not just a print newspaper. So today’s homepage is full of things about Russia and Ukraine, plus lots of pageview-grabbing slideshows on less timely topics.
So, if The Onion in 2002 operated like it does today, there would have been more real-life, breaking news. Things like the 6-month anniversary of 9/11, the ongoing fighting in Afghanistan and the Catholic priest sex abuse scandals, all of which were on the New York Times front page.
Thank you
Always grateful for your subscriptions and your support. Next week, we have some hot topics like drugs, gay adoption, people giving parental advice to strangers, and the best self-help books. See you then!