20 years ago, The Onion discovered Jules Verne's 'camera-phone' short story
20 years ago, The Onion discovered Jules Verne's 'camera-phone' short story
Plus, we revisit Dick Cheney, John Edwards, Coca-Cola, the George Foreman grill, Pope John Paul II, Darfur and much more from this busy time in 2004.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 13, 2004.
I don’t remember this Onion issue, but that’s probably because I was so busy in fall 2004 (classes, an internship, running cross-country1 and the campus newspaper) that I wasn’t reading anything I didn’t have to. I’m delighted to review this like it’s my first time.
Also, I never thought that we’d be reviewing a Dick Cheney attack on Democrats from a future where he was endorsing them!
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 41, the 213th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The Internet Archive was hit by a DDoS attack this week and remains offline as I write this newsletter. So, I’ve used the Library of Congress archives for the 2004 and 2014 links.
The front-page image is from the 2005 book “Embedded in America,”2 showcasing The Onion’s print work from late 2003 to late 2004.
The front-page headlines “Glee Club Depressed, Angry” and “Sector Five Breached” are no longer online. I’m sure “Sector Five” references something in pop culture, but I’m not sure what.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
2004 was the year camera phones took off in the U.S. In that context, “Long-Lost Jules Verne Short Story 'The Camera-Phone' Found” was merely a trend story — but 20 years later, it’s a testament to the predictive powers of The Onion and Jules Verne, the author of “Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Seas” and “Around the World in Eighty Days.”
Satirizing Verne is tricky. After all, he was a science fiction writer known for his writing prowess and his ability to envision the future. As such, The Onion makes a business decision — seemingly cribbing off real-life events for the premise of this article.
What do I mean? Well, The Onion writes about an 1874 Verne short story that takes place about 130 years into the future and imagines a dystopian world changed by technology. But Verne actually did this!
In 1863, Verne wrote “Paris in the Twentieth Century,” which was set in the 1960s and imagines a dystopian world changed by technology. His publisher, Pierre-Jules Hetzel, discouraged Verne from publishing it, and it only came into print 131 years later, in 1994. (The Onion mentions Hetzel but misspells his last name.)
I give full credit to The Onion for attempting this satire, as well as for choosing 2004’s hot invention, the camera phone:
“Verne’s view of a 21st-century Paris overrun by camera-phone-toting nabobs is indeed dismal,” Frelseien said. “But in all of its particulars, the story is classic Verne. The main character is a strong-minded and brilliant scientist-inventor, symbolizing the ambition and drive of the Industrial Age. The clever but wide-eyed narrator’s breathless appetite for knowledge pulls the reader along. And the technological centerpiece of the story—as usual, powered by Verne’s beloved electricity—sets the stage for conflict between the characters.”
“Where the story departs from a typical Verne piece, however, is in the level of devastation wrought by the innovation,” Frelseien added. “The infuriated victims of the camera-phone-dominated society eventually put all of Europe to the torch.”
Despite this technology’s dangers, scientist/inventor Bernard Cingulaire forges ahead, and the “camera-phone” wreaks havoc throughout French society.
This story holds up, given the ubiquity of phones and their potentially harmful effects on society!3 While smartphones look much different than 2004’s cellphones, they retain 2 crucial elements: They take photos (and video) and encourage communication through the device rather than with the world around us.
The 2004 election
In 2004, Vice President Dick Cheney was an unusually powerful and influential vice president. To many Democrats, he was the ultimate villain/puppetmaster of the Bush administration. Cheney’s only weakness seemed to be heart problems that had people asking whether he’d even be on the 2004 ticket.
As The Onion wrote this issue, Cheney was publicly claiming that electing Sen. John Kerry would increase the terror risk,4 while everyone wondered whether there’d be an “October surprise.”5
All that context makes “Cheney Vows To Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected” the perfect campaign article for October 2004:
“If the wrong man is elected in November, the nation will come under a devastating armed attack of an unimaginable magnitude, one planned and executed by none other than myself,” Cheney said, speaking at a rally in Greensboro, NC. “When they go to the polls, Americans must weigh this fact and decide if our nation can ignore such a grave threat.”
Just in case you thought Cheney was speaking metaphorically, he adds this:
“Make no mistake: If Kerry becomes president, no one will be safe from me,” Cheney told reporters. “Businesses, places of worship, schools, public parks: No place will offer you refuge. A vote for Kerry is a vote to die in your own bed at the hands of Dick Cheney.”
Cheney has everyone scared:
Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge is concerned by these statements and vows, “We will be watching him.”
President George W. Bush admits that “a war against Dick Cheney would be a long, hard struggle.”
Sen. John Edwards uses Bush’s Iraq War slogan against him: “I have no doubt that we would be able to assemble a coalition of nations more than willing to aid us in the war against Dick Cheney.”
This is a solid article. But of The Onion’s “Dick Cheney will murder you” stories from 2004, I prefer September’s “Cheney Returns To Camp Crystal Lake.”
Of course, 20 years later, Cheney is not only alive and well, but he’s endorsing a Democrat in the presidential election — and being thanked by Harris for it! Even The Onion couldn’t have imagined this timeline.
Speaking of Edwards, he has a column in this week’s issue titled “You Want To See Some Goddamn Optimism?”
Remember when Edwards was the future of politics? He now runs a law firm specializing in medical malpractice.
Anyways, in this article, Edwards is campaigning in Wisconsin and has a moment that makes Howard Dean’s scream seem mild:
Any blue-collar laborers out there? Wow! A lot of hands! Well, line up for your complimentary ass-kiss! You keep this country strong! Now, I think you deserve better than what you’ve received from the present administration, but I won’t be a Negative Nelly and go into all the details. I’m at a cheese factory, for Christ’s sake, not some goddamn international symposium on economic policy. You probably all want to go home and watch TV. I’ll just briefly mention that, as the son of a humble textile-mill worker from North Carolina, I understand the challenges average Americans face. I won’t elaborate, though. What is this, the “culture wars”? Ha! Know what? I love watching TV, too! Law & Order, Friends… I eat that shit up.
Edwards also patronizes the cheese industry, the middle class, the Green Bay Packers, the troops and keeping America strong.
I found the tone so cynical that it overpowered the humor for me. But I did laugh at this NSFW ending:
Let’s work together to pave the way for a big, bright, beautiful fucking future for America, all right? So all the world can once again say, “Hey, where’s that warm, golden glow coming from? Why, it’s coming from the U.S. of A., where cocks are thick, tits are perky, and sunbeams shine out of everyone’s asses!”
The Onion also published “Baby Takes Political Stance” as a front-page photo.
Real-life people and institutions
The Onion referenced multiple real-life people and places in this issue:
“The Pope's Beatifications” references Pope John Paul II elevating people to the step before sainthood. These were the last beatifications he issued before his death in April 2005.
These jokes go after familiar targets like the Catholic Church’s sexual abuse scandals, opposition to contraception and other views on sexuality.
Sadly, Kevin Russo doesn’t appear to be a real-life executive producer of the “VeggieTales” media empire.
“U.N. To Look For Genocide In Darfur”: There’s nothing funny about Darfur, but The Onion does its best with clueless American reactions to the crisis. For example:
“I think the U.N. is going to find that the blame lies with all the Sudanese rap music that glamorizes genocide.”
Amber Hughes • Program Aide
“World Bank Forecloses On World Farm”: This is a weird joke, although I do like a farmer in Tanzania having a Steinbeck-esque nickname:
“This farm has been in my family since Zanzibar was a British protectorate,” World Farmer Mwana “Clem” Mazooka said Monday, angrily waving a pitchfork. “I’ll be damned if I let some world-city creditors get their grubby hands on it.”
Area People doing Area Things
“Latino Community Empowered By Coke Commercial” satirizes how marketers think about marketing and diversity.
Coca-Cola makes a 30-second commercial with actors dancing the salsa and enjoying Coca-Cola products. That simple act, obviously, forever changes the Latino community. As an executive for the real-life League of United Latin American Citizens explains:
Fernandez said the commercial is a part of a larger movement toward mainstream recognition of Latin American culture. He cited the widespread popularity of Jennifer Lopez, Benicio del Toro, and Shakira as further evidence.
“Latinos have made a lot of progress in the past decade,” Fernandez said. “But, thanks to Coca-Cola, we finally have a commercial we can feel good about.”
And it’s worked!
“We can see that Coca-Cola spared no expense in creating this ad,” Fernandez said. “This is why we should buy massive amounts of Coke: to thank them for giving our people a reason to raise our heads high and to encourage more of this type of commercial in the future.”
A couple of notes:
I believe the photo is a widely used stock image, per a reverse-image search.
The Shakira mention is ironic because she was famously a Pepsi endorser.
“Fat Roommate Travels All The Way To Tennessee Just To Fuck Some Girl” is unkind to everyone — the dismissive roommates, the guy for tolerating them and the woman he visits.
Like any good early-2000s love story, they meet in an online chat:
According to Keller, the 242-pound Paulson met 23-year-old Lindsay Lewis in a chat room devoted to bluegrass music. While their initial exchanges were music-oriented, they gradually began to write about topics ranging from politics to their love of Tom Robbins novels and golden retrievers.
…
Paulson and Lewis arranged to spend three days together in Memphis, a city Paulson was eager to visit because of its rich musical heritage. In order to pay for the trip, Paulson, a sales associate at Guitar Center, borrowed $300 from Keller.
Roommate Nathan Keller is upset at loaning the money, saying Paulson should have hired a prostitute. On the other hand, Keller owes $300 for rent, so he can’t say no.
I also like that The Onion calls Paulson to ask whether he’s had sex (Paulson demurs, saying he’s not trying to rush things).
I’m not sure this story is particularly fun to read in 2024, but it’s well-written.
Other Area People items in this issue include:
“That One Chinese Place Closes”: This was a real place in Brooklyn, although a day spa now occupies that location.
“Dog Experiences Best Day Of His Life For 400th Consecutive Day”: What a timeless story.6
“Loki will experience the best day of his life once again tomorrow, when he digs a hole, chews on a slipper, and almost catches his tail.”
“Pringles Level At Six Inches And Falling”: This is delightful, and I wish it were a full-length article, a la 2013’s “Rescue Chip Sent In To Save Broken Tostito Submerged In 7-Layer Dip.”
“Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot”: A safe parody of the 2000s-era activism against Native American-themed college mascots. Thing I learned: There is a union called the International Brotherhood of Boilermakers!
“George Foreman Grill Retires To Promote Own Grill”: This is based on Foreman attempting a comeback in 2004 that never materialized.
Were the infographics good?
The front-page infographic was “Why Are We Up At 4 a.m.?” What a goofy collection of jokes! The “New overtime laws” joke reflects real-life regulatory changes in August 2004.
The editor in me questions why “a.m.” is lowercased in the headline.
The 3rd infographic was “Apartment-Hunting Tips,” which currently displays without the bullet points.
This has many, many one-liners. Your mileage may vary, but my favorites are:
“When viewing a potential apartment, be sure to touch the doorknob before going in. If it’s hot, don’t open it. The backdraft could blow you clear across the street.”
“Often, landlords request a deposit equal to the first month’s rent. This is known as ‘asshole money.’”
What columnists ran?
Besides the Edwards column, we have “It's Hard When A Close Relative Of Somebody You Pretend To Like Dies.”
Bonnie Lange has pretended to like co-worker Laura Herron for 5 years, including many workplace displays of insincere appreciation. So when Laura’s sister dies unexpectedly, no one is hit harder than Bonnie:
I had to take it day by day—one afternoon I mailed a card, another day I left a voicemail message on her business line. I didn’t push myself too hard. I knew that if I overdid my expressions of sympathy, Laura might sense that they were contrived. It wasn’t easy, but I managed to make it through the dark days of Laura’s emergency leave of absence.
She decides to hand-deliver Laura’s mail on her 1st day back in the office, but Laura beats her to it! Foiled but undeterred, Bonnie successfully delivers some words of sympathy and writes a follow-up email to the rest of the office staff.
I know Bonnie is a fake, but for many people, this faux-kindness would be an improvement:
I won’t lie: It’s been a rough couple weeks for me. And the tough part is far from over. I’ll have to pat Laura’s hand at some point, and I might even have to hold it if she starts to cry. I may end up having to say “Everything will be okay,” when I know it won’t. It’s going to be a trying time, but I’ll make it through. Why? Because I don’t have any other choice. That’s life.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week was Aquarius, with apologies to the jokes about Biosphere 2, cannibalism and KFC:
Aquarius: (Jam. 20—Feb. 18)
You’ve done everything in your power to destroy ignorance among your fellow humans, but apparently, one of them is still dumb enough to marry Billy Joel.
Joel married 23-year-old chef Katie Lee on Oct. 2, 2004. Shockingly, they divorced in 2009.
Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2004 archive has a better view.
What holds up best?
“Dog Experiences Best Day Of His Life For 400th Consecutive Day” and “Long-Lost Jules Verne Short Story 'The Camera-Phone' Found” are just as relevant today as they were 20 years ago.
Of the headlines I didn’t remember before writing this newsletter, “Pringles Level At Six Inches And Falling” is easily my favorite.
What holds up worst?
Again, “Fat Roommate Travels All The Way To Tennessee Just To Fuck Some Girl” just wasn’t enjoyable for me. It’s not even that the premise is unrealistic. It’s more that I’m not likely to share this Onion story with people in casual conversation!
What would be done differently today?
Of course, many stories would need to be updated. But when you have The Onion commenting on social mores, the presidential election and other world events? Feels pretty modern to me!
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others! Please keep spreading the word!
Next week, we’ll look back at The Onion’s coverage of the Iraq War, John Kerry’s campaign, Bill O’Reilly, Tibetan teens and a new column by Herbert Kornfeld.
I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.
Still hanging on to a top 10 time all these years later!
The doomer theory is that smartphones are single-handedly ruining teens, parents of teens, dating and more. I’d be more surprised if smartphones had no impact on our societal norms, but this theory is so depressing that I’m reluctant to embrace it.
Terror warnings were covered by The Onion in 2003’s “Orange Alert Sirens To Blow 24 Hours A Day In Major Cities” and 2004’s “U.S. To Fight Terror With Terror,” among others.
Osama Bin Laden’s late-October videotape was the 2004 cycle’s October surprise, although the Bush documents were a surprise of their own, as we’ve covered.
Publishers Weekly has mentioned this headline in reviews of “Roy Digs Dirt” and “Goodnight Good Dog.”