20 years ago, The Onion questioned Bush's service record
Plus, we have a bedding thread recount, Alvin of the Chipmunks is shamed, tan lines go awry, Florida deals with hurricanes and Dept. Head Rawlings returns
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Sept. 29, 2004.
This week was the 23rd anniversary of The Onion’s 9/11 issue, which was one of the reasons I started this newsletter in January 2020. In 2004, however, The Onion was busy covering CBS’ reporting on President George W. Bush’s military service, Oktoberfest, the booming career of Will Ferrell and much more.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 39, the 211th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page image is from the 2005 book “Embedded in America,”1 showcasing The Onion’s print work from late 2003 to late 2004.
The front-page headlines “Nation's Elderly Hit Hard By Closing Automatic Doors” and “Greaseball Shitcanned” are no longer online. The latter headline uses a word you don’t see much anymore — and so I doubt The Onion minds this joke’s disappearance from the web.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
On Sept. 8, 2004, “CBS Evening News” anchor Dan Rather presented a segment on “60 Minutes” about President George W. Bush’s Vietnam-era military service.
I won’t recap the whole thing, but it involved typewritten memos — the authenticity of which was immediately questioned by a blogger. By September 20, CBS said it no longer trusted the documents and shouldn’t have used them in public reporting.2
This scandal, of course, affected the 2004 election, validated the burgeoning blogosphere and marked the beginning of the end for broadcast news’ big 3 (Rather, Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw).
Nine days later, The Onion published “Documents Reveal Gaps In Bush's Service As President,” piggybacking on this bizarre saga to headline the Sept. 29, 2004, issue.3
In The Onion’s telling, Bush is shirking his duties as president, as seen by a combination of government documents and media reports.
There are a few jokes running through this article. One is Democrats saying Bush “went AWOL” — but also in terms of policy failures, not literal military service. For example, Bush didn’t fix the economy, so he’s AWOL on it.
Two, Republicans like Rep. Tom DeLay say these documents are forgeries, as no one in the media or government can be trusted:
“We’re fairly confident that these so-called ’news stories’ will turn out to be partisan smear tactics,” DeLay said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if all 11 billion of these words turn out to be forgeries. For thousands of reporters, editors, and government officials to claim that Bush compromised the security and fiscal health of this nation is not merely anti-American, but also dangerous.”
Third is The Onion combining the real-life records controversy with longstanding criticism of Bush’s work ethic and credentials:
“Bush stepped ahead of more qualified candidates to take what he thought would be a cushy job,” Rocklin said. “Then, after signing up for a four-year term, he largely abandoned his post in 2004 to go work on a political campaign.”
Rocklin said her organization obtained print-outs from the press-briefings section of the White House web site which show that Bush has spent nearly as much time out of the White House as in it.
This article is full of Bush-era buzzwords and controversies. But there are hints of our political life in 2024:
The Onion highlights partisans embracing their version of the truth and their trusted sources.
Media and government are simultaneously incompetent and conspiracy masterminds (we also saw this in the 2000s with 9/11 deniers).
Bush is criticized for excess vacationing/inattention, an attack that also hounded Obama, Trump and Biden in different ways.4
This paragraph might be the most predictive of today’s discourse: Who needs official sources when you have the real experts around you?
“We originally invoked the Freedom Of Information Act to request material relating to Bush’s spotty record while in office,” CIS director Catherine Rocklin said. “But then we realized that the information was readily available at the corner newsstand, on the Internet, and from our friends and neighbors who pay attention to the news.”
Other politics coverage in this issue included:
“Report: Iraq War Keeping Thousands Out Of Unemployment Line”: This is a less condescending version of “Bottom 10 Percent Of Last Year’s Graduating Class Ready To Take On Saddam” from the 1999 book “Our Dumb Century” (and viewable here).
“‘Ravaged' Named Florida's Official State Adjective”: Gov. Jeb Bush introduces this word after the state was hit by 4 hurricanes from Aug. 13-Sept. 26, 2004:
“‘Ravaged’ beat out such popular contenders as ‘muggy,’ ‘graying,’ and ‘tourist-clogged.’”
“Upcoming Election Deduced From Sports Illustrated Content”: Remember when people could genuinely be unaware of the presidential election? Also, this was the 50th anniversary issue of Sports Illustrated.
“Iraq Hostages”: The Onion asked people about the uptick in hostage-taking in Iraq — some of which were fatal. My favorite might be this:
“If I ever got beheaded, I would make sure the geyser of blood would stain my captors’ clothing so they’d have to throw it out. Take that, terrorists!”
Dora Drucker • Lawyer
Alvin and the Chipmunks
I vaguely remember watching “Alvin and the Chipmunks” as a kid (probably the 1980s TV show), but I haven’t thought about them in many years.
“Alvin Shunned By Animal Community, Forced To Wear Scarlet 'A’” is a perfect throwback for anyone who remembers these characters, read “The Scarlet Letter” in high school or has shown their kids the 4 “Alvin” movies made from 2007-15.
2 things to know:
On Sept. 17, 2004, a live-action/CGI film starring the Chipmunks was announced. The Onion was commenting on breaking news!
Alvin already has a yellow “A” on his chest, so The Onion’s switch to a scarlet “A” is simple.
In The Onion’s universe, Alvin “adopted the ways of humankind” in the 1950s and has long been shunned:
In 1958, members of the Woodland Council forced Alvin to sew a scarlet, gold-embroidered “A” on his sweater. They then paraded him before his forest peers and exiled him to a split-level ranch home on the outskirts of Los Angeles.
“When ’The Witch Doctor’ became a success, the animal community seized upon Alvin’s ’unholy’ communion with humankind,” entertainment writer Seth Morris said. “By today’s standards, it seems barbaric to ostracize a chipmunk because of a relatively harmless series of novelty recordings. It was a different time then.”
The Onion notes real-life “Alvin” lore like the Seville chipmunks’ human father figure, the hit song “Witch Doctor,” the secondary character Clyde Crashcup, the 1961-62 TV show, 1990s-era covers of “Achy Breaky Heart” and “Macarena,” and much more.
The twist is that Alvin, far from happy-go-lucky, has lived a haunted life:
In the controversial final episode of The Alvin Show, however, Seville appeared before a live studio audience, acknowledged his relationship with Alvin, and tore open his shirt to reveal an “A”-shaped skin discoloration on his chest. Shortly afterward, he died, his final word the plaintive call, “Alllviiin!”
Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “The Scarlet Letter” is quoted, with modifications, at a couple points in this article.
Area People doing Area Things
“Bedding Officials Demand Thread Recount” is not a politics story despite being inspired by the 2000 election.
This article combines some of my favorite Onion tropes: changing 1 or 2 words to completely shift a story; fake organizations (the National Bed & Bath Commission and the Federal Bedding Inspectors); and an abundance of puns and other wordplay.
The National Bed & Bath Commission (NBBC) wants to restore the integrity of this sacred process:
“The idea that quality is based on thread count is not some old yarn—it’s woven into the fabric of our society,” Morgan said. “But the system for quality control is threadbare. It’s coming apart at the seams. We can’t pull the covers over our heads and ignore it any longer.”
The thread scandal isn’t just about poor counting — there are allegations of ethnic- and color-based discrimination:
Morgan said the NBBC believes that the tests currently in use favor North American and European textiles over ethnic textiles, such as Egyptian cotton, South American wools, and Indian batiks. The looming challenge is to modify the standards without unraveling them altogether.
…
“For years, we’ve suspected that the whites were cared for differently than colored items,” NBBC official George Vega said. “Some manufacturers actually out-and-out recommended that whites and colors be treated, and in some cases pretreated, differently. It’s enough to make me worry that we might never get things all sewn up.”
This is an absolutely ridiculous article. Your love of it will depend on your tolerance for puns.
“Area Man Somehow Even Less Popular Than He Was In High School” offers the premise that being ignored and invisible is perhaps worse than being picked on. For 24-year-old Mike Glick, a part-time law clerk, going unnoticed by his co-workers feels like a step backward:
“At least in high school, teachers cared if you didn’t show up for class or weren’t paying attention,” Glick said. “And in retrospect, being slammed against the lockers helped shape my identity. At least I had something to react to. Now, I just feel adrift.”
This isn’t the most memorable Onion article, but it’s effective.
Other Area People items in the Sept. 29, 2004, issue include:
“Doll Overstays Dollhouse Welcome”: What a photo!
“Woman's Tan Lines Don't Make Any Sense”: I’ve always loved this one. It’s easy to miss the tan line on her left thumb.
“Gay Couple Has Banal Sex”: There’s not much beyond the headline. Like the bedding recount issue, The Onion is taking the air out of a heated issue.5
“Produce Section Bursts Into Laughter After Will Ferrell Makes Casual Remark About Apples”: Ferrell was never bigger than in fall 2004, having left “Saturday Night Live” as the preeminent Bush impersonator only to make “Old School,” “Elf” and “Anchorman” in succession. Also, there really is a Trader Joe’s at La Brea and 3rd in Los Angeles.
Were the infographics good?
“Oktoberfest” is here! The jokes are OK, I guess? I do enjoy “A pictorial celebration of German culture, 1740-1914, 1950-present.”
“Top Gypsy Curses” has very 2000s references to rap music and Chris Matthews. My favorite joke is “Your first Pilates class is free.”
For what it’s worth, the Associated Press Stylebook in 2024 rejects the use of “gypsy” to describe either people or the moth.
What columnists ran?
“Pierre Will Be Leading The Vertical-Insertion Team Into The Vakhan Territory” is the latest entry from Dept. Head Rawlings, a regular columnist I’d forgotten all about until starting this newsletter. As I wrote in June:
[Rawlings is] the spymaster whose columns always begin in the middle of the plot, leaving the reader confused and just trying to keep up.
That said, we have some returning tropes:
The character of Mei Ling, whose role is always different. Here, it’s fetching tea for a new “senior applied-science director.”
A real-life geography — often a former Soviet republic or zone of influence. Here, it’s the Vakhan (Wakhan) territories in Afghanistan.
References to fantastical technologies that are only halfway explained. This article includes the Norse-inspired MJOLNIR satellite, the “Island of Stability” and this nanotechnology:
“For the time being, Pierre assumes that our nebulous opposition exercised a rather nasty nanotechnological option to cover their tracks. After all, that is what Pierre would have done himself. In any case, we need you to describe to Pierre exactly what it is he’ll be looking for once he gets there. Once Thanatos Tertius, as we’re calling it, is found, he’ll dismantle and neutralize it.”
There’s also this reference:
And this man here… allow me to introduce Jack Quetch. Ha ha, yes. Mr. Quetch is indeed flesh and blood. I suppose the time for denials is over. We’ve not only allowed him to live, but also made him a useful member of society. Our little society, anyway. Why, yes, Jack does look deceptively young. It’s hard to believe that Jack was 15 when Kennedy was shot.
No, of course not. No, no. I was merely observing.
Dept. Head Rawlings is a trippy column — there’s really nothing else like it in The Onion’s archive, nor do other satirical publications usually attempt this storytelling technique.
Our other columnist this week is local writer Jason Erikson with “There Are So Many Experiences I Want To Write About Having Had.” This column satirizes writers who never step outside their homes to experience what they’re writing about.
This guy longs to skydive, tour America in an 18-wheeler and visit Europe, but he also wants to a be serious journalist — an anthropologist in Africa, a reporter embedded in the Israel-Palestinian conflict, a chronicler of the death penalty’s inhumanity:
It would be so incredible to see—to really see—an innocent man die. And then to write—to really, truly write—about the injustice of that man’s death. And then to have people who buy Granta read—really, truly, and utterly read—about that death with their own eyes. Of course, I would not escape such carnage unscathed: The emotional scars would be invisible to the naked eye, but totally evident in the depth of my astounding writing.
I love that he wants to be published by GQ and Granta.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Capricorn, because I would like to see this movie made:
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Life often imitates art, but you're not sure what's imitating what when you're caught up in a modern-day version of the Arthurian myth played out along the sexy, sinful Vegas Strip.
Again, today’s website doesn’t label the horoscopes, but you can see them on this 2004 archive.
What holds up best?
“Bedding Officials Demand Thread Recount” is brilliant and stuffed with jokes. It’s a shame that it’s been entirely forgotten — no surviving blog or forum mentions from 2004, no extant Reddit or Twitter threads.
“Woman's Tan Lines Don't Make Any Sense” is also memorable for the Photoshopping.
What holds up worst?
The gypsy and greaseball headlines are antiquated, at best. Ask yourself, would The Onion run those same headlines on the front page today? I doubt it.
What would be done differently today?
Many of these stories would need updating, but the underling ideas are sound — for example, the stories about Oktoberfest, the presidential election and 20-something men struggling to find friends.
As I noted above, “Top Gypsy Curses” would certainly be changed. Maybe just “Top Curses”?
In the column “There Are So Many Experiences I Want To Write About Having Had,” our writer would not refer to using a “word processor.” Separately, and more importantly, this description of Africa feels tone-deaf, especially since the author is in awe of every other region he mentions.
Did The Onion mean to say the columnist is a racist, or is this another example of The Onion's struggles covering Africa in the 2000s:
I could go to the farthest reaches of Africa and then return to my room to write about them. Think of the passion I could bring to my account of the poverty-stricken peoples of that vast continent! Though the friends I’d meet would at first appear to be pathetic, uneducated barbarians, I’d soon learn that these savages were as human—or more so—as I.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, leave comments or share the newsletter with others! Please keep spreading the word!
Next week, we’ll revisit musicians failing to defeat Bush, robot workers, the Matt LeBlanc spinoff “Joey” and much more. See you then!
I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.
As of 2015, Rather continued to claim he was correct, although he’s received relatively little support from investigations. This relatively friendly Associated Press analysis notes that a post-mortem inquiry failed to find “positive proof” of the claims, partly because of the lack of original documents and few witnesses being alive, much less speaking up. Even an exhaustive 2012 Texas Monthly article that offers fresh evidence of Bush’s failings argues, in part, “The documents were Xerox copies, which in forensics is a dead end—nothing can be proved, or disproved, without an original.”
The Onion often reacted to real-life news during the 2004 cycle, including “Congressional Candidate Forced To Explain Controversial 1971 'Fuck Everything' Remark”; “Kerry Vows To Raise Wife's Taxes”; “Small Group Of Dedicated Rich People Change The World.”
Presidential vacations have a lengthy history, as this article describes.
The Onion’s coverage of gay relationships tends to reflect the era. Examples include 2000’s “Vermont OKs Gay Marriage,” 2007’s “Gay Marriage Could Be Profitable” and 2018’s “Christian Pornographer Refuses To Film Sex Tape For Gay Couple.”
I read The Onion religiously when it was in print (and have a number of the books) and somehow I do not remember this issue at all.
It seems like a pretty good one, so I'm glad to be reading these articles for the first time. "Nation's Elderly Hit Hard By Closing Automatic Doors" was my favorite headline.