20 years ago, The Onion mocked hipsters

The Onion predicts the jobs we'll have in 2049, depicts a power-hungry middle manager — and, oh yeah, the Energy Secretary did adult films.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 5, 2003.

This issue is really fun — a mix of very 2000s jokes (Karl Rove, Iraq, Fred Durst) and a few surprises, like The Onion predicting the jobs of the future.

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What issue is this?

This was Vol. 39, Issue 43, the 169th new Onion issue of the 2000s. There is no 2003 website archive yet again. Here’s the website from 2013 and today.

No longer online are 2 front-page headlines:

• “Random Attack Restores Man’s Faith In Humanity”: My interpretation is that this headline derides the people who are eager to say, “Actually, it’s a good thing” in response to any tragedy.

• Spill Cleaned Up With Nacho”: This is an early version of the 2013 classic “Rescue Chip Sent In To Save Broken Tostito Submerged In 7-Layer Dip.”

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Abraham said he's sure he mentioned his work in films like “Shacking Up” (inset).

“Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The '80s” is such a wild headline, even for The Onion. It actually feels a little risky from a legal standpoint.

Every time I’ve read this story in the past 20 years, my 1st reaction is, “Who the hell is Spencer Abraham?” But he’s relatively famous — a co-founder of the Federalist Society and the last Michigan Republican to win a U.S. Senate election.

Anyways, in this story, Abraham was a 1980s porn star, and he just thought folks knew.

"It feels like I mentioned it to everyone," Abraham said. "I can't remember the specific circumstances, but I'm positive I talked about it. If some people didn't know, maybe that's because they weren't around when it was discussed. Or else they never asked about it."

I apologize for this photo. It’s distasteful but also makes me laugh, which is probably the point.

Abraham in a scene from his 1984 film “Five To Nine.”

Abraham gives the classic employee response, which is, “Hey, I put it on my resume!” Chief of Staff Andrew Card disputes this:

Abraham pointed to two résumé entries listed under "Miscellaneous Work Experience." The first was "Poolside Productions: production assistant, writer, occasional actor, 1984-85." The following line read "Ficus Tree Video: writer, director, performer, consultant, 1985-87."

Abraham's explanation did not satisfy Card.

"Those entries could have meant absolutely anything," Card said. "He could have been involved in making commercials, promotional videos, or even PSAs. We were supposed to look at his résumé and ask, 'Hey, Spence, aren't these long-defunct porn outfits? Were you pouring the pork in front of cameras?'"

Abraham’s films include “Five to Nine,”¹ “Shacking Up” and … “Jism Quest.”

My favorite part is Abraham’s outrage that people criticize him for adult films but not for being Dan Quayle’s deputy chief of staff.

This newsletter is ostensibly about how 20 years of cultural change affects how we view The Onion. This article is a perfect litmus test. In 2003, it might have worried the lawyers, but no one really would think Abraham did pornography, even if they didn’t know what The Onion was.

But today? Multiple political candidates in 2022 and 2003 have publicly acknowledged their adult pasts (or had their content leaked). Telling the same type of joke today might not be as funny — and it’s probably riskier from a legal standpoint.

Americans Demand Increased Governmental Protection From Selves

“Americans Demand Increased Governmental Protection From Selves” is a classic Onion trope — the fictional lobbying group with an unusual cause. This time, it’s the American Citizen Protection Group, along with a Christian equivalent, Please God Stop Me, and I guess what you’d call a bizarro Libertarian group, Personal Rights Deferred Center.

This article makes some subtle points about how Americans think about politics. For instance, people hate Congress but rarely vote out their own representative. Likewise, when Americans talk about government regulation, many really mean “more regulatio of things I don’t like/trust, less regulation of things I like.”

In this case, it’s Americans not trusting themselves:

"Legislation targeting harmful substances like drugs and alcohol is a good start, but that's all it is—a start," Andelman said. "My car automatically puts my seatbelt on me whenever I get into it. There's no chance that I'll make the risky decision to leave it off. So why am I still legally allowed to drink too much caffeine, watch television for seven hours a day, and, in some states, even ride in the back of a pick-up truck? It just isn't right."

We also hear from smokers and overspenders who are mad that the government won’t stop them. Plus, the American Citizen Protection Group endorses a soda tax in California — although in real life, Big Soda continues to defeat such legislation.

My favorite quote is this one because some people will see it as brilliant satire and others will say, “No, but this is correct”:

"We can all agree that many choices are too important to be left up to a highly flawed individual," Nathansen said. "Decisions that directly affect our health, or allow us to expose ourselves to potential risks, should be left to the wiser, cooler heads of the government."

Also, look at that photo. What a giant old-timey computer!

The government was everywhere this issue! Other items include:

• “Bunch Of Hick Nobodies Sue For Toxic-Waste Exposure”: I believe this story satirizes an August 2003 case in Alabama that Monsanto and Solutia settled for $700 million. The Onion story is set in West Virginia, although it confusingly names a real-life New Jersey and Pennsylvania utility, Allegheny Electric Cooperative.

• “Undercover Agents Talking To Each Other In 'Under 12' Chatroom”: This feels disturbingly plausible, including the name TweenTalk for the website.

• “Karl Rove Ensures Republican Elected As Student Body President”: Rove denies involvement, possible because the winning candidate brags that “Thanks to him, I was totally able to expose Luis' idea of using candy funds to buy uniforms for needy students.”

• “Unrest In Iraq”: The Iraq war was reigniting in late 2003 with deadly attacks on U.S. troops. The Onion asked people on the street about this. My favorite:

  • "All I know is, if the Iraqis had invaded our country, we'd be acting a lot nicer to them than they are to us."

    Geraldine Bates • Telemarketer

Area People doing Area Things

Left: Kent Lowery (1977-2003). Right: Lowery and Panziel among Kent's belongings.

When I write this newsletter, I think about what life was like 20 years ago and how other people would have read these jokes. Basically, I don’t want to overrely on my memories or present-day perceptions.

“Family Unsure What To Do With Dead Hipster's Possessions” is one of those stories. “Hipster” feels like a generic word in 2023, especially because most hipsters aren’t that young!

But in 2003, “hipster” was an emerging cultural phenomenon with specific meanings. From “The Hipster Handbook” by Robert Lanham:²

You've seen them all over town with their mop-top haircuts, swinging retro pocketbooks, talking on cell phones, smoking European cigarettes, shading their eyes behind bug-eyed lenses, and strutting in platform shoes with a biography of Che sticking out of their bags. They come in all colors, shapes, sizes, and nationalities. Beck is one. Jack Kerouac was one. Meg from the White Stripes is one. And the girl at work in the Jackie-O dress is one too.

I’m not sure The Onion has the same definition — “hipster” here seems to be collecting an excessive amount of weird, kitsch and retro items. But what I really like, is the idea that older generations always consider the youth weird and bewildering. Hipsters were just the early 2000s flavor:

"I just can't believe how much stuff Kent collected over the years," said Lowery Tuesday. "There's a poster for some movie called Urgh!, stacks of empty Quisp cereal boxes, at least five old lamps that don't work, and a slew of little plastic toys. Obviously, all these things meant something to Kent— but what? And why?"

By the way, RIP to Kent Lowery, a bassist with a Malcolm Gladwell-like haircut in that photo above.

Lowery’s possessions include: Mugs from Zoloft and White Castle, a Pachinko machine, a DVD of the 1971 movie “Two-Lane Blacktop,” a copy of “The Super Bowl Shuffle,” lunch boxes from “Dallas” and “Mod Squad,” and a barking cookie jar.

Willliams and friends wait for someone to invade their tree house.

Our other big story is “Children Wait Patiently For Heavily Fortified Tree House To Be Attacked,” which I love. I would have gone wild planning out a treehouse, probably with blueprints and everything. Sadly, I never had a treehouse or even a tree big enough.

I like this article because we’re in the minds of 10-year-olds. They don’t worry about the downside of an unlikely attack — or even what it would mean for people to attack children in a treehouse. They just want the excitement of being a treehouse gang named Poison Ninjas Club:

"We spent all day Saturday making dirt bombs and dragging buckets of pine cones up into the tree house," said 10-year-old club president Carrie Williams, her eyes trained on the southern border of the lawn. "When the enemy attacks, we'll be ready. Actually, we've been ready for, like, three whole days."

There’s also a password: “Valencia.”³

Sadly, the club keeps losing members, partly because nothing happens and partly because Carrie Williams has high standards!

"We told Jay [Conroy] that if he kept playing his Game Boy instead of watching the hole in the fence for cats, we'd kick him out," Williams said. "He didn't argue with us at all. He just got up and left."

Other Area People news includes:

• “Teen Admits Parents Were Right About Fred Durst”: Limp Bizket really fell off quick, huh? The teen also admits that Mountain Dew and his friend’s neck tattoo might be bad. I bet The Onion didn’t think neck tattoos would only get more popular.

• “Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King Jr.”: The Birmingham, Ala., dateline is a brilliant touch.

There are also 2 front-page photos that I remember well from 2003:

“Ladykiller Gets Life Sentence”: Always makes me laugh.

“Cheerleader Given A 'D’”: Oh, I forgot how big the Atkins diet was! Without the photo, there’s a 2nd way to read this headline, but I don’t think that was The Onion’s intent.

Were the infographics good?

“Worst U.S. Jobs, 2049” is surprisingly relevant 20 years later, maybe because of all the fears that automation and AI will take our jobs.

Look how accurate these jobs are: The “fryborg” illustration reflects restaurants adding robots, and the “data miner” feels like every “email job”⁴ today (or maybe it’s AI taking those jobs?).

I don’t know what the 2023 version of “empathic sufferer” is, but it probably involves livestreaming.

Also, “Moon raker” is a good James Bond play on words.

“The California Wildfires” feels rather evergreen, no pun intended. But the 2003 wildfires were noteworthy (and deadly).

These jokes? There’s OK. I especially like the joke about “$30 million of tacky stucco” being a life accomplishment, as well as the SUVs acting as an ill-conceived firebreak.

What columnists ran?

“There Are Going To Be Some Pointless Changes Around This Office” is a terrifyingly realistic depiction of middle-manager hell.

The pointlessness starts with holding a meeting that could have been an email. The meeting reiterates the email!

This is funny but also depressing:

First, there will be no more taking pens directly out of the supply closet. This is not to say that you can no longer have pens, but from now on, we're going to keep track of who's taking what, with a register on the supply-closet door. Please list any supplies you remove from the supply closet on the supply-closet register for at least a week or two. The sheet will get old and tattered, and it will eventually fall off the door. After it gathers dust on the floor for a few days, I will pick it up and file it. This largely unnecessary new measure will be enforced rigidly.

Employees also have to log their emails on a spreadsheet.

There’s also a memo about long-distance phone calls — everyone is getting a 14-digit code to dial an outside line! I think I had a long-distance code in college, as I didn’t have a cellphone until late 2004.

There’s more:

What else do we have? Lunch hours. Lunch hours will be taken at set times from here on out. You must plan your day around lunch. If work prevents you from taking your lunch at your assigned time, you will have to make other arrangements for eating. Eat a protein bar. Oh, there will be no more eating at your desks, either. And whenever you leave your desk, your outgoing voicemail message should notify callers of your absence. Also, start thinking about whom you would like as a bathroom buddy. I'll explain what this entails at our next meeting.

Brutal stuff. It reminds me of 2001’s “Somehow, We'll Middle-Manage,” but even better.

If any of this even remotely resembles your real-life office, run and don’t look back.

That column was so good, and so unnerving personally, that I barely have the energy to talk about my fav Jackie Harvey! “Hey, Hollywood, Lay Off The Gore!” is the oft-confused Hollywood columnist’s lament at movies like 2003’s “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “Kill Bill,” which he mistakenly calls “Kill Will.”

Harvey also has news on such celebs as Johnny Cash, John Ritter, Mandy Moore, Clay Aiken, the “Blues Clues” guy, and Larry Hovis.

I am genuinely interested in this Harvey take, which parodies Larry King’s USA Today column style:

I wonder what the most American food is. Some people say hot dogs; others say apple pie. But I say it's a tie between rhubarb crisp and the double bacon cheeseburger.

Finally, a few weeks ago, I wrote about The Onion deleting a story about Siegfried and Roy after Roy was mauled in real life. I guess they got over that:

Item! It's a shame what happened to Sigfreed or Roy. One of them got chewed up and dragged off stage by a white lion. I'm no big-cat expert, but I've got a hunch that I know what happened. I'll bet that the lion thought that Sigfreed or Roy was one of her kittens and tried to carry him, by the throat, to the safety of her cage. Silly lion! Humans don't have scruffs on their necks. I hope that someone teaches the animal about that, if Sigfreed or Roy regains his health and the duo resumes the act.

That paragraph is a masterclass in generating humor by getting facts slightly wrong.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Capricorn:

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You've certainly robbed the cradle this time, so that six-state FBI search for you and the baby is entirely justified.

What holds up best?

There are many good choices. For me, “Worst U.S. Jobs, 2049” immediately grabbed my attention. It’s probably an occupational hazard — I sometimes do client work on global trends, the future of work and so forth.

What holds up worst?

There’s nothing wrong with “Bunch Of Hick Nobodies Sue For Toxic-Waste Exposure,” but the headline lacks context today, especially without the 2003 news angle.

What would be done differently today?

The Onion writes so much about government and politics today, so this issue felt relevant. Sadly, I don’t think the infographics would make the cut, and The Onion hasn’t published Jackie Harvey in years.

Thank you

Thanks for sticking with me here. It’s a long read! As always, please click the links that interest you — I want you to go read The Onion!

Next week, we revisit Colin Farrell, Good Charlotte, Flash animation and much more.

1. Hilariously, Five to Nine is an event-management software startup these days.

2. In the late 1990s, the Times also had articles referencing the original hipsters from the 1940s and ‘50s.

3. Wikipedia tells me Valencia means “strength" or "valour" in Latin. I love that a 10-year-old researched this password.

4. I haven’t seen articles about the term, but “email job” gets thrown around Twitter as an insult.