The Onion wrote about Siegfried & Roy right before the tiger attack
The Onion denounces the Internet's lack of workplace productivity, makes fun of public opinion, sycophants, breakups and Arnold Schwarzenegger, and much more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 1, 2003.
20 years ago, The Onion complained about the internet and wrote many funny jokes about regular people’s lives. Plus, we have a Siegfried & Roy column that was overtaken by real-life tragedy.
Also, welcome to new subscribers! If you subscribed via the 9/11 issue, the format’s a bit different, but the love of The Onion is the same.
If you’re new here, welcome! We publish on Sundays, and you can sign up below.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 38, the 165th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today.
The front-page headline “History Channel Devotes Entire Day Of Programming To Footnotes, Bibliography” is no longer online. I like this joke!
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I’ve written before about The Onion’s Luddite tendencies. Sometimes this is proper skepticism, like in 2001’s “New Technological Breakthrough To Fix Problems Of Previous Breakthrough.” Other times, it’s this GIF:
“48-Hour Internet Outage Plunges Nation Into Productivity” is funny, but it’s unusual to see The Onion as a corporate boss complaining that “no one wants to work anymore.”
Let’s give some context:
In 2003, only 55% of U.S. workers used computers in their daily work, and only about 40% used the internet and email at work. So, not everyone was online all the time.
The Internet was actually making people work longer hours by 2003 — including at-home work.
If you spent lots of workplace time on personal matters, it was likely because you didn’t have home Internet.
This article mentions the real-life Gibe-F computer virus and was based on August 2003’s coverage of the SoBig and Blaster viruses.
So now that I’ve spoiled the premise, let’s dig into this very funny article. Like CEOs today with remote work, The Onion blames lazy employees for everything:
"Unlike SoBig or Blaster, this worm didn't harm individual computers; it just used them as a gate to attack the Internet at the ISP level," Kessler said. "Computer technicians at most offices couldn't do anything but sit by helplessly as people worked through stacks of filing, wrote business-related letters they'd put off for months, and sold record amounts of goods and services over the phone."
It’s a surprisingly pro-corporate Onion viewpoint:
With workers denied access to ESPN.com, Salon, Fark.com, and Friendster, employers struggled to keep up with the sudden increase in efficiency.
"Our office was working at roughly 95 percent efficiency," said Steven Glover, an advertising executive and creative team leader at Rae Jaynes Houser. "It's problematic to have the rate jump like that—it sets a precedent that will be impossible to maintain once the Internet comes back."
ESPN is a powerhouse website today, while Salon and Fark are still around.
There’s also lots of Web 1.0 mentions for the nostalgic — or for you to show your kids who’ve never heard of them. Earthlink, Friendster, Nerve.com, the old Amazon Top 500 Reviewer badge … and the Flaming Lips’ website!1
The Onion’s political jokes
RIP Sen. Dianne Feinstein, whose death might finally stop The Onion from “jokes” like “Aide Pulls Several Wet Pages Of Bill Out Of Dianne Feinstein’s Mouth.”
Maybe I missed the point, but the Feinstein jokes felt like insults about how old and decrepit she was. And, most importantly, they wouldn’t have printed in 2003 because they’re not that funny!
Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let’s look at political jokes that mock people who are of sound mind and can take the criticism.
“85 Percent Of Public Believes Bush's Approval Rating Fell In Last Month” is a complex joke. It’s making fun of public opinion polls and people’s tendencies to follow the pack.
Did President George W. Bush’s approval rating fall in September 2003? Yes, but that’s less important than whether people think it fell:
"This is a potentially devastating public commentary on the perceived public opinion that Bush will use to guide his re-election campaign," Mallock said. "In fact, some see this as the most dramatic midterm shift in the public's perception of popular opinion of the presidency since Carter was in office. The Carter Administration was, as you may recall, believed to be very poorly regarded."
It goes from there — a web of people opining on their perceptions of other people’s opinions. For instance, most Americans think most people think consumer confidence has plummeted in recent years. And some of those people think other people blame Bush (but only partially) for the decline.
20 years later, I think we’re all more skeptical of political polling. But The Onion was way ahead of us. Even the logo above implies that polls are more important than actual political issues and policies.
"Until last week, I didn't know that people had such strong opinions about public opinion about Bush," said Greg Simon, a Chicago-area realtor. "I may have to reconsider my feelings about the president. I wouldn't want people to think that I don't think that what they think is important."
I also enjoyed the simple front-page headline “Cheney Suspects Bush Listening In On Other Phone.”
Other political items in this issue include:
“Schwarzenegger Running Out Of Movie-Related Campaign Slogans”: Arnold Schwarzenegger used movie references throughout his 2003 campaign. I love this joke below because it’s like Conan O’Brien’s long-running “Jingle All The Way” bit. The Onion’s version:
At a fundraising breakfast Monday, the actor told a confused group of business leaders, "I will 'Jingle All The Way' to Sacramento!"
“Iran's Nuclear Program” asks people about the U.N.’s Oct. 31 deadline for proving the country didn’t have a secret nukes program. All of these jokes are good, but I especially like this “Cathy”-esque one:
"I know how Iran feels! Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines! Ack!"
Rachel Biello • Paralegal
Area People doing Area Things
The Onion was great at chronicling the banalities of everyday life, including relationships. 2003 had many examples, including this week’s “Breakup Secretly Hilarious To Friends.”
Henry Loemer and Frieda Jaynes are described by friends as a relationship of convenience, with “nothing in common, other than they were both lonely and liked fucking.”
They bond over Tom Robbins novels, eventually dating. But one day, the relationship blows up while at a bar with friends. The Onion does a great job describing the events. I’ll skip ahead to the friends’ incredulous reactions:
The fact that Loemer and Jaynes were dating for less than three months heightened friends' enjoyment of the frivolous sturm und drang.
"Frieda was devastated," Vodak said. "She kept saying, 'It's over, it's over,' as if we hadn't caught that. Then she called the breakup 'tragic.' We tried to console her, but the moment she went to the bathroom, we all cracked up."
Frieda also threw Henry’s mix-CD into the river and wants him to pay Blockbuster late fees, citing his love of “Sex and the City.”
Meanwhile, Henry is blaming the bar, calling it “tainted.” I love this friend’s reaction:
"Henry said he could never set foot in that 'tainted place' again," Pittman said. "I can understand why Henry wouldn't want to go back, but 'tainted'? He acted like nuns had been slaughtered there. And the night they broke up was only the third time we'd ever even been there. I mean, give me a break."
Finally, The Onion wounds me with the last paragraph:
"I still don't know how I've managed not to laugh right in their faces," Solie added. "I'm sure this is going to get old in a week or two, but in the meantime, it's funnier than anything on Conan."
“Mournful Irish Flute Used In Documentary About Loss Of Senior Lounge” is sort of like “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”2: A lengthy, amusing telling of what is nothing more than a high school class assignment.
Brad Harrison’s documentary, “Paradise Lost: The Story Of Room 114,” was praised by the high school newspaper and garnered an A-minus in Harrison’s A/V class.
Brad has a cinematographer helping him, who praised the inclusion of “Dark in Dublin” by Celtic Moon3:
"This whole movie was shot with tone in mind," Fackler said. "I spent two hours getting the perfect skateboard-dolly shot of the lounge. I wanted the audience to feel that. When Brad had Elton John's 'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road' in there, it just wasn't doing it."
"But that wooden flute is dead on—it's so monumentally sad," Fackler added. "Everyone's been looking forward to using that lounge for the past three years."
The Onion does a lovely job of satirizing the students’ overreaction without dismissing their feelings. Yes, losing the lounge is not a big deal. But people get upset when they feel promises have been broken.
Harrison spent very little money on this film: The CD cost $6.99, and his camera is a Sony Mini-DV he received as a birthday present.
I also love this line: “It's all tied together by the dramatic voiceover narration of Dan Phelan, the senior with the deepest voice.”
Other Area People items in this issue include:
“Regular Citizen Heroically Enforces Park's 'No Glass Containers' Rule”: Many writers overuse adverbs, but “heroically” is the most important word in this headline.
“Plan To Live In Storage Facility Voiced”: This is some dry humor:
“Coworkers could find no significant downside to Thorp's idea, which no one in the world had ever thought of before.”
“Frustrated Sycophant Can't Figure Out What Boss Wants To Hear”: I love this headline.4 This item has a “Hey, it’s 2003!” moment: The sycophant gifting his boss tickets to “The Producers.”
“Satan Depressed All Weekend After Man Opts Out Of Casino Trip”: This article references Mohegan Sun casino in Connecticut. I enjoyed this dated reference:
“Satan said he hopes that Kremer will at least watch softcore pornography on cable before the week is over.”
Finally, “More Cats Made” is timeless, although it’s surprising that none look like the mother.
Were the infographics good?
“What Are We Refusing To Buy For Our Children?” led me to look up Jarts, a form of lawn darts that were banned after killing a little girl in 1987. I was too young to have played with these.
“Thong diaper” is a great joke and a haunting phrase. I also like the illustration of the “Segway Jr.” with the “Jr.” in that kid-friendly font.
I didn’t remember “The NYSE Overhaul.” Essentially, then-Chairman Richard Grasso gave himself a $140 million “golden parachute,” was forced to resign when this became public, but ended up keeping all the money. So, congrats to him?
Anyways, these jokes are solid: “Illegal trading now illegal” and the “kitten and hammer” ethics test made me laugh. I also like the idea of Bruce Springsteen having to ring the closing bell every single trading day.
What columnists ran?
“Thank You, But That Was Siegfried's Idea,” by Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy, was published by The Onion on Oct. 1, 2003. Just 2 days later, Horn was mauled by a tiger (or saved after suffering a stroke, by Horn’s telling), effectively ending his career.
Did The Onion delete this article because of the timing? Or was it just lost in The Onion’s many website redesigns, like countless other articles? I can’t say for certain, but here’s what we know:
The Onion’s staff felt bad, with Editor-in-Chief Carol Kolb quoted a few days later.
Multiple message boards suggest The Onion pulled down the article as early as Oct. 6, 2003.
The article’s missing from the website as early as 2005 and isn’t online today.
On the other hand, the 2004 print book for this time period includes the article.
The column itself? It’s funny enough. It’s a one-sided conversation — Roy talking with a fan who only seems to enjoy Siegfried’s innovations, despite Roy’s many attempts to redirect the conversation:
Did you enjoy the white tigers? Most people love the white lions and the white tigers. Siegfried and I often fight over which of us should get the spotlight, but in the end, the star of the show is always the cats. Everyone assumes that they work for us, but it's more the other way around! Luckily, I've always had a great rapport with those beautiful creatures. My home is filled with jungle cats of all kinds. It's truly a wonderful way to live. So, if you loved the cats, then that's thanks enough for me.
Well, I suppose that we have been "doing the tiger thing" for some time, yes.
This paragraph reads differently after Roy’s injury.
Notably, The Onion returned to this subject with 2017’s “Report: Tiger That Mauled Roy Horn Still Struggling To Find Work.”
How could our other columnist top this? Well, it can’t, but “Pizza Hut Doesn't Know What It's Missing” is a fun journey through the mind of a young man who’s been rejected by Pizza Hut after getting laid off by Dunkin’ Donuts.
I feel bad for him! Sounds like he’s worth taking a chance on. But wow, he’s intense:
I'm only upset because I know that I would've been a real force at Pizza Hut, if they'd given me a chance. I would've grated the hell out of that cheese. I would've poured my heart and soul into that sauce. And there wouldn't have been any shortages in my till, because I'm a professional.
I'm not perfect, but I do believe that if something's worth doing, it's worth doing well. Good luck finding another guy like me, Mister Fancy-Pants Greg The Assistant Manager. I hope you got a good look at me, Greg, because I'm the one that got away.
“The one who got away.” I would have liked more columns from Jack W. Dunst. He’s kind of a bizarro world Jim Anchower.
What was the best horoscope?
Lots of death in this week’s horoscopes, but my favorite is Scorpio:
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your belief that the earth is carried on the back of a giant turtle will seem silly, until you receive panicked, late-night phone calls from NASA herpetologists.
What holds up best?
I’ve always liked “Breakup Secretly Hilarious To Friends,” even if references like the mix CD and Blockbuster are outdated. The idea of a public breakup by 2 overdramatic people remains timeless.
“More Cats Made” is also a good candidate.
What holds up worst?
Nothing is that bad in this issue! I suppose “History Channel Devotes Entire Day Of Programming To Footnotes, Bibliography,” the “What Do You Think?” about Iran’s nuclear program and the NYSE infographic lack relevance in 2023. Still, they aren’t embarrassing to revisit.
What would be done differently today?
I wonder how The Onion would handle the Siegfried & Roy situation today. There’s nothing to apologize for — the column was funny and not mean-spirited, and it barely mentions the tigers!
“48-Hour Internet Outage Plunges Nation Into Productivity” is curious because I love the idea (or something similar), but I suspect The Onion would go in a different direction than applauding mid-level executives’ love of productivity.
Thank you
Next week’s top story is about Celine Dion. I’m worried about this one, y’all.
Plus, we have columns from 2 booty-lovers: An actual pirate and The Onion’s resident romantic, Smoove B.
Thanks, as always, for being here. If you know someone who would enjoy revisiting Onion jokes, pass this along!
The band’s website from 2003 is archived, but it must have been super-heavy on Flash or Shockwave, because it spun instead of loading the screen.
I recently watched this movie for the 1st time. Incredibly stupid but quite enjoyable.
I believe the song is fictional, although many albums have been named “Celtic Moon.”
For those curious, Texas’ Proposition 13 in 2003 was not about home-equity lines of credit.
"Maybe I missed the point, but the Feinstein jokes felt like insults about how old and decrepit she was. And, most importantly, they wouldn’t have printed in 2003 because they’re not that funny!
Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let’s look at political jokes that mock people who are of sound mind and can take the criticism."
The "joke" is that she was not of sound mind, but had an immense amount of power. I think the point of that article is that an elected official is incapable of doing her job and is controlled by unaccountable, unelected aides. That being said, I didn't find them very clever either, since they seemed to focus on the weakness that comes with age, rather than the people taking advantage of it.