20 years ago, The Onion reported on congressional cockfighting
Plus, John Kerry, Alan Greenspan, Halliburton, Abu Ghraib, the sci-fi show "Farscape," Jean Teasdale, the debate over killing Hamas leaders and much more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit May 12, 2004.
Last week, I previewed the wrong issue (corrected online now). The Onion issue noting President Ronald Reagan’s death is in June 2004, not May. My apologies for that.
Today, we revisit the sport of cockfighting, the debate over whether you can kill people in wheelchairs using missiles, Alan Greenspan, and much more.
If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 19, the 192nd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headline “Old, Resigned Woman To Watch The Young And The Restless” is no longer online. “The Young and the Restless” still airs and was renewed in February for 4 more years.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“34 Congressmen Arrested In D.C. Cockfighting Crackdown” reflects the public pressure to ban cockfighting in the few remaining U.S. states permitting it, including New Mexico1 and Louisiana.
Some of my favorite Onion stories are written like hard-news stories where you’d only know it’s satire because of the details. This is a straightforward crime report, except that Congress is ignoring its duties not because of partisan bickering but because they love bloodsport!
In that top photo alone, we have Sen. Chuck Schumer and Rep. Don Nickles putting aside partisan debates to cheer and gamble. Meanwhile, Rep. John Lewis apparently doesn’t care about roosters’ civil rights!
A full report of evidence gathered in the raids will be issued later this week, but police have released certain facts, including details about a breeding network for elite fighting cocks—prized for their extreme aggressiveness and high pain threshold—run by members of the House Judiciary Committee. Undercover officers said they witnessed committee members selling birds to other congressmen for hundreds of dollars apiece.
In the photo below, Sen. Orrin Hatch is taking official trips to Tibet(!) to find the best fighting birds. What dedication to his craft!
Other notable mentions:
Rep. Tammy Baldwin, now a senator, was “operating back-alley clubs” for the fights.
D.C. Police Chief Charles Ramsey returns. He was last mentioned in supernatural John Ashcroft stories in 2003.
The cockfighting takes place at El Pollo Diablo, a reference to the Monkey Island games.
Sen. Hillary Clinton accuses Sen. Dick Lugar of cheating by giving his “Stag Hammer” illegal supplements.
RIP: "Then [Sen. Dianne] Feinstein [D-CA] tried to suck her rooster's punctured lung clear so it could last a whole match, but she swallowed too much blood and puked everywhere.”
Sen. John McCain is the one senator who seems unaware of the cockfighting,2 although things are starting to click:
"Now that I think about it, this may explain why the Chicken Feed Price Stabilization Act passed through the House so quickly last month," McCain added.
Meanwhile, President George W. Bush was deep in self-reflection. “Bush Vows To Pay Closer Attention To Needs Of Non-Presidents” shows his new focus after learning voters think he’s out of touch with non-presidents:
"From here on out, I will do my best to address the needs of this group of upstanding Americans who, I'm told, are part of a proud non-presidential tradition that stretches back hundreds of years in this country," Bush said. "To this end, I have appointed a blue-ribbon fact-finding committee to look into the issues of non-presidents and find out what their jets are named, how their staffs are performing, and how they're handling increased pressure from the media during this election year."
(So many blue-ribbon committees back then, including the 9/11 Commission and one of Social Security reform.)
Unfortunately, Bush is confused about what a non-president needs:
"Is security tight enough at their military retreats? Do they have adequate support from their friends in the private sector? Are the global petrochemical companies that back them doing a good job of adhering to government guidelines regarding their campaign contributions?”
My favorite subtle joke is that Bush considers former presidents, including his own father, to be “non-presidents.”
This article’s perfectly fine — it mocks the gap between Bush’s desired image as a regular guy and his actual life, including being the son of a president. That said, it feels like a generic “out-of-touch president” story that could run during any administration with some edits.
There was even more politics in this issue, including:
“Who Is John Kerry?” brainstorms campaign slogans for the Democratic nominee, which is a brilliant way to use the Onion writing room’s assorted Kerry jokes. Here’s the real-life list of Kerry slogans for comparison.
“John Kerry: Certainly Not Worse” feels like what the campaign actually went with? “Vote Kerry in 2004, because life is a miasma of confusion, pain, and loneliness” made me laugh. What a way to get voters excited!
“Iraqi Prisoner Abuse”: The Onion asks people on the street about the U.S. apology for the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal. Multiple jokes mock Iraq’s past as much as these actions. My favorite is this:
"I’m sure Bush was deeply saddened by the fact that American soldiers were stupid enough to document their acts of cruelty."
Ricky Thomas • Cartoonist
“Halliburton Employee's Pay Docked For Weeks Spent As Hostage”: This article is about real-life Halliburton truck driver Thomas Hamill, who was taken hostage and eventually escaped his captors.
“Investors Stake Out Greenspan's House For Signs Of Rate Increase”: The Onion loved Alan Greenspan, who has an incredible Onion archive. This is a straightforward mocking of investors’ attempts to read Greenspan’s mind — this 2005 CNN article, for instance, is nearly as silly.
“House Inappropriations Committee Suggests Nation's Women Dress A Little Sexier”: This article features real-life Rep. Bill Young, chair of the regular Appropriations Committee (who divorced his 1st wife to marry a secretary he had a baby with). Separately, this feels like a modern Onion item — very long headline, short article.
Area People doing Area Things
“Photo ID Shows Toll Job Has Taken On Employee” shows how a bad job can destroy your body in just 2 years!
Seth Poole works as an internal auditor at fictional organic-juice brand Blue Juice Inc.3 Apparently, that’s a tough gig!
"I happened to see Seth's ID sitting on his desk the other day, and I let out a gasp that could be heard across the hall," Blue Juice accountant Joan Brandywine said. "It didn't look like the same person. I thought, 'Dear God, what happened to that young, vibrant man who walked into the May 2002 employee-orientation session?'"
He’s only 37! But whatever optimism he had about joining this fast-growing company is gone:
Keefer estimated that, every time Valdavia says "vision can't be charted on spreadsheets," Poole loses 75 hairs.
"Yesterday, I walked into the breakroom and found Seth leaning over the donuts, picking frosting off a Long John, and mumbling, 'If Ben does his fishing-out-of-his-wastebasket gag one more time, I walk,'" Keefer added. "It wasn't pretty."
Poole is also stressed because the CEO is embezzling. Poole’s also stopped going to the gym, and he’s eating poorly.
Look, I understand feeling stuck in a job. But this guy’s got to escape!
“Woman At 'Farscape' Convention Has Dangerously Inflated Self-Image” makes me laugh because my girlfriend loves “Farscape,” although she has not attended a convention.
Ironically, the convention this story is set at — Scapercon — wasn’t held in 2004, according to this blog.
The joke, though, is pretty one-note: Women don’t go to nerd events, so the very few who do will be considered supermodels, and this is bad for Paulette Osley because she might think she’s hotter than she actually is.
With the passage of 20 years, I can’t quite tell if The Onion is in on the stereotype or is perpetuating it. I do like how The Onion, years ahead of its time, fakes concern about mental health to insult someone:
"I mean, she's cute and all, but the men at ScaperCon treated her like she was [Farscape actress] Raelee Hill. Going from being someone who might get hit on once or twice a year to the belle of the ball and then back to nothing again, all within four days? It could be damaging to Paulette's long-term mental health."
Also, the website Hot or Not is mentioned, which … I forgot that ever existed.
Osley’s friend (above), who also attended, says that the previous year’s con had even more ego-stroking for Osley!
The attention led Osley to flirt with Farscape actor Paul Goddard during an autograph signing. After handing Goddard a poster to sign, Osley said he could sign anywhere he wanted. Laughing coyly, she added, "And I mean anywhere."
You’ll never see another article with this much detail about “Farscape,” but the joke itself is tired.
Other Area People items include:
“Keebler Expands Line Of Residence-Themed Crackers”: I love this joke. “Big House” could be a real brand, right?
“Prom Date Arrives In Freshly Washed Pickup”: This is a nice gesture!
“Film-School Graduate Goes Straight To Video-Store Job”: RIP video stores, especially Blockbuster.
“Bathroom Too Disgusting To Shit In”: This is a great headline. The short article is fine but doesn’t add much.
Were the infographics good?
“Top Child Punishments, By State” is all stereotypes, but at least a wide range of states are mocked. Roy Acuff is a country music legend.
As someone who lived in D.C. for many years, I really like “Allowance not adjusted for inflation.”
“Commuting Tips” is The Onion’s list of jokes about long commutes. As someone who hasn’t driven a car in 7 years, I’ll share a couple of mass transit jokes I liked:
“Don't take the train. Sooner or later, everyone who travels via train gets chased along the tops of the cars by crooks.”
“Public transportation is an efficient and environmentally friendly way for poor people to get to work.” (reminds me of 2000’s “Report: 98 Percent Of U.S. Commuters Favor Public Transportation For Others”)
What columnists ran?
The classic Point/Counterpoint “Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Justifiable If They're Terrorists vs. Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Awesome” is accidentally topical in 2004, as it reflects the real-life Israeli killing of a Hamas leader.
This column follows a format much like “We Must Retaliate With Blind Rage vs. We Must Retaliate With Measured, Focused Rage” from The Onion’s 9/11 issue — a person making a reasoned argument and weighing pros and cons versus someone who’s totally pumped to do some killing.
To be fair, both favor this missile attack — they merely disagree about the justification. This is the 1st writer:
If deemed necessary, we must outfit helicopters with missile launchers, find out where our enemy's wheelchair-bound former leaders worship, fly our missile-outfitted helicopters to those places of worship, and blow those leaders apart.
And this is the 2nd:
Now, let me say this: I realize the guy was one of their big rebel leaders over there, or something, and I guess he called for the deaths of tons of innocent people and so on, and that was the excuse they needed to take the old guy out. But that's not the point. The point is they totally fucking launched a missile at the guy's wheelchair from a helicopter!
Point/Counterpoint still runs occasionally, most recently in 2022.
Our other column is “Sugar Baby” by Onion regular Jean Teasdale. Her husband, Rick, finds a wad of bills outside a Ruby Tuesday’s, and the enthusiasm leads to amorous relations. Weeks later, Jean thinks she’s pregnant! (Does she take a test? Of course not.)
She immediately goes to Gymboree, only this time as a customer. Even the “snooty woman on duty” is nice to Jean initially. But upon questioning, the employee is skeptical of Jean’s news — and Jean passes out.
Well, long story short: I'm not preggers. I went to Dr. Plimm's office the next day, and he informed me that I have Type-2 diabetes. My blood-sugar levels were dangerously high.
Poor Jean. She really can’t catch a break. I genuinely didn’t expect this twist!
Also, we learn that Jean’s sex life is driven by reverse psychology:
(These days, I don't lure Rick into the bedroom so much as I dare him by questioning his ability to carry out his, uh, "hubby duties," shall we say? Hey, whatever works, right?)
What was the best horoscope?
This week’s horoscopes this week include financial crimes, serial murder and drug testing, but my favorite is Gemini:
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The more you think about it, the more you like the idea of having 12 young men dance around you at all times—as long as it's tastefully done.
What holds up best?
“Photo ID Shows Toll Job Has Taken On Employee” nails the soul-crushing nature of so many corporate jobs, including the bureaucracy of photo IDs, and even includes the CEO stealing from his own company! Truly a story for the ages.
What holds up worst?
I want to like “Woman At 'Farscape' Convention Has Dangerously Inflated Self-Image” more, but I feel like this joke’s been done a million ways by a million people. It’s fine, but not uniquely The Onion in the way that, say, Larry Groznic’s columns are (see 2002’s “When You Are Ready To Have A Serious Conversation About Green Lantern, You Have My E-Mail Address,” among others).
What would be done differently today?
I believe “wheelchair-bound” is not the preferred term now, although it’d be odd to only critique that part of the article’s argument!
The focus on politics feels very relevant today, as do jokes about commuting, prom and officials like the Federal Reserve chairman (Greenspan then, Jerome Powell now).
Meanwhile, some of May 2024’s jokes could have worked 20 years ago, like “Everyone On Mom’s ‘Hall Pass’ List Dead,” “$18 Mocktail Satisfies Craving To Waste Money” and the cartoon “Gradgitation Commencement.”
Again, I’m very interested in how The Onion’s new ownership supports the staff and how that affects the jokes and tone. The presidential election, for better or worse, will also affect The Onion’s approach.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, share your thoughts and share the newsletter with others!
Next week, we’ll look at prescription sandwiches, “fight terror with terror” policy, and the classic “Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move.”
New Mexico banned the sport in 2007, followed by Louisiana a year later, although not all Louisianians follow the law. New York Mets fans might remember the controversy over Pedro Martinez attending cockfights in the Dominican Republic a few years later.
Maybe he learned from the Keating Five scandal?
"Blue Juice” is also a 1995 surfing movie starring Ewan McGregor and Catherine Zeta-Jones.