20 years ago, The Onion gave John Ashcroft a rookie partner
Also, The Onion mocks Israel and Palestine, barely knows who Vladimir Putin is, and reminds us of when Heineken put out compilation CDs.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit May 5, 2004.
If you missed it, I recently gave my thoughts on The Onion’s sale (and hopefully brighter future). And here’s WIRED talking to the new owner about the $1 donation scheme he set up.
This week, The Onion continues its alternate universe coverage of John Ashcroft, plus topical jokes about the Middle East, Vladimir Putin and Social Security.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 18, the 191st new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headline “That Guy Who Lifts Weights With His Nutsack Lets Nutsack Get Out Of Shape.” I’m not sure who The Onion is referencing, but here’s an October 2004 news article on this trend.
Also not online is “Upcoming Parties,” a weird version of a local newspaper’s community announcements section. This item disappeared from The Onion’s website as early as 2006. Here’s an example:
The weird weapons guy on Pine Street is having a barbecue Saturday. Planned events include a Cambodian-skull exhibition and the consumption of Löwenbräu in his dank, flag-draped living room.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
As I’ve stated before, I love how The Onion undermines grim-faced figures such as Vice President Dick Cheney, Attorney General John Ashcroft and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld by putting them in silly situations.
“Lone Wolf Ashcroft Given Rookie Partner” is one of my favorites in this genre. It’s a broad parody of cop movies, and it also makes the Department of Justice seem incredibly action-packed:
"I got drugs to fight, I got terror to fight, and I got all kinds of crime to fight," Ashcroft said, pounding a battered steel desk piled high with cluttered stacks of papers and file folders. "I got nothing but a few snitches, some overworked uniformed DOJ agents, and 11 years of inefficient intelligence to do it with. Now they want me to hand-hold some damn surfer-boy fresh outta law school? Who the fuck do they think they're dealing with?"
The (fictional) rookie partner is Deputy Attorney General Nate N. Burnhard, who understands that he has to prove himself. He does note a disturbing character trait, calling Ashcroft “loyal to himself, this country, and the department—in that order."
By the way, Burnhard replaces … wait for it … James Comey, future FBI director.1 In this universe, Comey didn’t grow up to annoy both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.
As told by National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice:
"John hasn't been the same since what happened to Comey," Rice said. "Everyone close to him knows he doesn't want the responsibility of losing another partner. When Jim was shot chasing a suspected Taliban operative down that Georgetown alley, John blamed himself. But John has to realize that this partnership could help him just as much as it'll help Burnhard and the United States of America."
This article feels like the show “The Americans,” but a bad version that only focuses on the feds.
Maybe the most dismissive way to talk about the Israelis and Palestinians is to wave off the latest round of violence as, “Well, that’s just what they do.”
And yet that’s what The Onion did for many years — especially in the early to mid-2000s when conflict spiked. The apex of this is 2002’s “God Re-Floods Middle East,” which solves the problem a la Noah’s Ark but without the ark.
This year, we have “Peace Talks Just An Excuse To Visit Scenic Mideast,” which mocks the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, diplomacy and Israel’s reputation as a tourist destination.
Secretary of State Colin Powell has washed his hands of the Middle East, but he loves the travel:
"A few weeks ago, President Bush asked me to go to the West Bank and work on the road map to peace," an excited Secretary of State Colin Powell said. "There's absolutely no chance that these talks will ever work, but I was like, 'Free trip to the disputed zone? No way I'm gonna turn that down!'"
Because Powell’s going, so is top EU diplomat and former NATO chief Javier Solana, who wants to travel with “Col” and “find out how the remaining members of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra sound."
Sen. Richard Lugar is furious that he’s not allowed to go, and here we get a mention of new Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov, who is still on the job today:
"This sucks," Lugar said. "They're sending Solana but not me? I deserve to go so much more than that guy. Powell, okay, he's been around forever, but [Russian Foreign Minister] Sergey Lavrov gets to go? How'd Lavrov get in line ahead of me for this trip? I am so briefed on the situation with those state-sanctioned killings of [Hamas leaders] Sheikh Ahmed Yassin and Abdel Aziz Rantisi. Colin had better bring me something back—some spent shell casings or one of those kitschy religious-fanatic posters."
Other real-life people mentioned are Paula J. Dobriansky, State Department undersecretary for global affairs; Terje Roed-Larsen,2 a U.N. special diplomat for Mideast peace; and Hamas co-founders Sheikh Ahmed Yassin and Abdel Aziz Rantisi, who were killed earlier in 2004; and U.S. Maj. Gen. John Batiste, a commander in Iraq.
Could The Onion run this article now? Yes, but I’m not sure the staff or readers would be as enthusiastic.
Even more politics!
As 2004 progressed, The Onion seemed to ramp up the political content. This makes sense, given the Iraq war, a presidential election, and so much else going on. Thankfully, The Onion largely fits real-life politics into its fake universe rather than simply riffing off the news a la SNL’s “Weekend Update.”
Also, as you’ll see below, The Onion in 2004 was not worried about someone being offended by a joke.
Other political stories in this issue include:
“Vladimir Putin Begins Second Term As Whatever He Is”: We really didn’t give a shit about Russia 20 years ago, huh? Bush’s press secretary doesn’t even know Putin’s title, although “The Monsieur” would be hilarious:
"Well, I'm pretty sure it's not 'president.' Does 'President Putin' sound right?" McClellan added that he wishes Mr. Putin, or Herr Putin, or Comrade Putin, or The Monsieur, the best.
“Mass Grave Blasted For Lack Of Diversity”: This is a ripoff of “Iowa Family Blasted for Lack of Diversity” from The Onion’s “Our Dumb Century” book (page 150). The fictional International Coalition for Equality laments the lack of women and children in the grave.
“The Social Security Time Bomb”: Still topical! In this case, The Onion doesn’t take any political position, instead sharing deranged Area Man opinions like this one:
"So much for my plan to live off Social Security while I travel the country banging Denny's cashiers in my Airstream."
Dan Cox • Mechanic
Area People doing Area Things
“Mom Hogging Family Therapy Session” is either a delightful parody of a seemingly happy family or a living nightmare, depending on your life experiences. The mom, Jeanette Westphal, has a lot of grievances:
Family members report that, in the past several sessions, Westphal has complained that Thomas always sides with Greg, expressed her resentment over the amount of housework she does, and repeatedly returned to the fact that, in 17 years of marriage, Greg has never purchased her a gift without first asking her what she would like, in spite of the fact that she has repeatedly told him that she loves surprises and would never be disappointed with anything he bought, as long as it came from the heart.
Thomas and Greg are fed up, with 16-year-old Thomas calling her a “psycho.”
To be fair, even the therapist, Dr. Whitney Eversen, is frustrated by Westphal dominating the discussion. This is a hell of a visual to imagine:
Eversen said that, in the last session, he attempted to moderate equal time for each family member by having everyone use hand puppets as communication tools.
"Somehow, Jeanette got all four puppets and, using a different voice for each one, launched into an epic diatribe about how she is forced to be wife, mother, maid, and… well, I forget the last one," Eversen said. "I had to finally interrupt her and politely remind her that we were trying to do a group exercise."
I fondly remember “Hungover Heineken Promoter Can't Remember What He Said About Heineken Last Night,” possibly because I can’t imagine anyone having to promote Heineken as a full-time job.
But perhaps most importantly, Jason Schweiber is promoting this real-life CD:
At the event, held at The Wrecked Spoke, Schweiber promoted the release of the Heineken Music Initiative's Red Star Sound Presents Def Jamaica Vol. 3, featuring music by Method Man and Redman, Scarface, and Ghostface Killah. The following morning, while squinting at the sunlight beaming in through the window, Schweiber began to reassemble his fragmentary memories from the night before.
The album currently streams under the name “Def Jamaica.”
Anyways, this is a typical story of a guy who is so busy being the life of the party (and promoting Heineken) that he quickly gets drunk (on Heineken) and loses control (and much of his Heineken merchandise).
"At one point, I yelled out something like, 'Who wants a stupid Heineken mug?' Schweiber said. "I wasn't even that drunk when I said that. I was just trying to impress a group of guys. But I should have let the glass speak for itself. There's nothing stupid about it. It's a quality pint glass with a nice Heineken logo."
The Onion doesn’t share what Heineken thinks about this guy’s drunken night.
Other Area People items include:
“Mexicans Sweeping The Nation” is a fascinating way to comment on the immigration debate. The New York Daily News named it one of the 10 best Onion headlines in 2016.
“New One-A-Month Vitamin Presents Choking Hazard” is a great visual.
“Herpetologist Names Son After Famous Herpetologist”: Have you heard of Archie Carr? I had not. This is almost heartwarming! Not all his children are named after herpetologists:
“Bolton and Kareena, a Chinese chef, have two other children: Ginger, 4, and General Tso, 2.”
“Masturbatory Prose Style Fails To Reach Climax”: This is a good writer’s joke for writers. I also love the name of the fictional novel, “I, Me, Eye.”
“Willie Nelson Spaces On Holding Farm Aid”: Rest assured, Farm Aid did occur in 2004.
Were the infographics good?
“Why Are We Being Asked To Leave?” is a great mix of jokes, including the image with the guy on fire. “Aren’t Masons” feels like real life, not a joke. “Turns out they are real” is a great “Seinfeld” callback, but imagining this visual is disturbing.
“Porn And HIV Prevention” reflects the real-life scandal, which shut down most of the industry for 2 months while performers were tested.
Unsurprisingly, these jokes are heavily based on tropes. My favorite is “Fully uniformed nurse required to be on set at all times.”
What columnists ran?
“Darling, You Were Well Worth The Nine Goats” is The Onion parodying arranged marriages with old-fashioned dowries — surely a subject with which these writers, largely from Wisconsin, were very familiar!
Our columnist didn’t initially want his wife, fearing her father wanted a better dowry. He is very matter-of-fact about his dislikes, although his wife gets the worst of all these situations:
I feared that your hands were too soft and delicate to work the fields and dig groundnuts. I told my father that, at 16, you were rather old. I worried that your hips were too slim to bear my children, and you confirmed my fears when our first baby was stillborn. That did not please me. And, in our first year of marriage, your habit of slipping out at night to see your sick mother forced me to observe the family tradition and beat you with a bullhide strap. But I promise that I never took pleasure in flogging you. Even as I flogged you, I had affection in my heart.
Thankfully, she has had 4 sons since, with a 5th child on the way (all in exactly 5 years, by the way). She’s also a good little wife in other ways:
You never need to be told to walk three paces behind me. You never need to be told to keep your head down while I speak. You never need to be asked to wash my feet when I come home from a long day of drinking and singing. You are everything to me.
Through context, we can learn that they live in the Indian state of Maharashtra, but we don’t learn much more. And that’s where this feels a little cheap — The Onion’s not really calling out a wrong. Instead, it’s just playing up stereotypes while being vague about it. Like, name what you’re mocking!
“You Win Some, You Claim To Have Won Some” is written by Jack Billings, the world’s ultimate optimist. Of course, being a perpetual optimist means lying a lot:
Take what happened last month: I went to Atlantic City and lost $400 on slots, but at work Monday, I told everyone I'd won $170 at the tables. I'd have said I won more, but then they would've expected me to bring in donuts. Anyway, it's not like my gambling win was a total lie. I did make $55 at the tables at my friend's bachelor party in 1988, and yesterday, I won $5 on scratch-off tickets.
Okay, I didn't really win on the scratch-off. I lost $2. But for a few seconds, you were with me, weren't you?
I love the calculation of “How much money can I claim to win without having to buy donuts?”
There are a lot of people who live life like this, y’all:
Who likes a winner? Everyone. Who likes a loser? Exactly. It doesn't matter if you're a good loser or the worst loser ever. As far as everyone else is concerned, you can still be a winner. The only way people will know you're a loser is if you tell them what your life is actually like. Why would you do that?
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Scorpio, as The Onion was obsessed with Masons this week:
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Next week will serve as a good example of what happens to people who listen to old wives' tales, especially the ones whose old husbands are high-ranking Masonic elders.
What holds up best?
“You Win Some, You Claim To Have Won Some” perfectly encapsulates manipulative, self-obsessed, self-promoting people. It’s not quite as sharp as “Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move,” which we’ll cover in 2 weeks, but it holds up.
What holds up worst?
“Upcoming Parties” has an entire joke based around an area “homo.” The vocabulary alone feels dated for 2004, much less how it holds up now.
The dismissive tone given to Lavrov and Putin — pretty much the only key world leaders of note still in power 20 years later — looks bad, but it’s not like The Onion was alone in underestimating them.
What would be done differently today?
I can’t imagine The Onion running such a “who cares?” story about Israel-Palestine, then using a mass grave from a different war to make fun of diversity scolds.
Speaking of diversity, “Mass Grave Blasted For Lack Of Diversity” is less about diversity — especially the modern concept of DEI — and more about the 1990s Balkans war with some light anti-PC humor added.
In the 2020s, it’s not like The Onion won’t make fun of diversity attempts. Modern examples include 2022’s “NSA Honored For Diversity In Surveillance Footage” and “Restaurant Kitchen Must Have Incredible Diversity And Inclusion Program.” There’s also 2018’s “Onion Social Embraces Diversity By Adding Prophet Mohammed Emoji.”
But I think a few things are different. One, the social landscape has changed. DEI is embedded deeply in the national conversation, including politics and corporate HR policies. There’s an entire industry to promote DEI, and another one to denounce it. And they have the entire internet to amplify their message.
In short, everyone is much more serious about this debate and much more active. In 2004, The Onion could make a throwaway joke about diversity. Not so much now.
Also, I’m not sure how The Onion could possibly top its best jokes from the 1990s and 2000s. People still mention “ACLU Defends Nazis' Right To Burn Down ACLU Headquarters” and “Black Guy Photoshopped In.”3 Another of my favorites from that era is the unheralded “Graphic Artist Carefully Assigns Ethnicities To Anthropomorphic Recyclables.”
Anyways, I love this issue, but many of these jokes feel tailored for 2004’s social and political environment, not 2024’s.
Thank you
Grateful, as ever, to have y’all here for this very long newsletter! Next week, we’ll look at cockfighting, shooting missiles at people in wheelchairs, “Farscape” and much more.
Comey was deputy AG from 2003 to 2005, when he resigned to become a Lockheed Martin executive.
Roed-Larsen also borrowed money from Jeffrey Epstein.
Unsurprisingly, “Black Guy Photoshopped In” has happened in real life, including in 2014.