20 years ago, The Onion complained about too many emails

We also have jealous mothers, unhappy teachers, Dick Cheney's self-care, Osama Bin Laden and the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Nov 20, 2022

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Nov. 20, 2002.

I’m sending this from New Orleans, where I’m here for my first vacation in a while. Of course, I didn’t finish writing this till after getting here, so not off to a great start.

The Onion took the week off for Thanksgiving 2002, so I’ll see y’all back on Dec. 4.

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What issue is this?

This was Vol. 38, Issue 43, the 126th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.

The front-page image is from the 2005 book “Embedded in America,”1 showcasing The Onion’s print work from late 2003 to late 2004.

The front-page headline “Entrepreneur Takes Gamble On First-Ever L.A. Bookstore” is no longer online.

Weirdly, the 2012 and 2022 websites have “Bodybuilding Tips” listed, but that does not appear on Internet Archive’s 2002 webpage. Maybe it was miscategorized later in the 2000s and never corrected.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

I don’t remember most of this issue from 20 years ago, but “Pillsbury Doughboy's Image Sexed Up” delighted me then and now. Just wanted to start with that big guy. OK, let’s talk about this issue for real.

Last week’s issue found humor in a deadly sniper spree, Marxism and Ray Charles’ lack of sight. But the Nov. 20, 2002, issue is almost boring by comparison.

That said, The Onion’s not ignoring the newss. Our top story, “FBI: Muslim Groups In U.S. May Be Developing Nuclear Families” steps on the third rails of terrorism, the Patriot Act and the balance of freedom and security. Not small issues in 2002 — or now!

This story imagines a world in which “nuclear” means only one thing: a weapon of mass destruction. Then-FBI director Robert Mueller warns of Muslims in the U.S. obtaining nuclear-family capability, maybe even setting off “a terrifying chain reaction of Muslim familial perpetuation."

For the 2nd time in 3 weeks, The Onion makes a silly Manhattan Project joke. Two weeks earlier, it was in reference to Indian physicists’ plans to escape. This time, it’s about an Egyptian immigrant in the Bronx making a good life for himself — in Manhattan. Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge is very worried:

"I'd like to say that this is an isolated example," Ridge said. "But the reality is, this 'Manhattan project' is the sort of thing that is occurring all across the country."

Attorney Generial John Ashcroft is doing his part, literally breaking up nuclear families before they could procreate.

This story was political then and it’s political now. The Onion hides this political bent inside the absurd premise of “nuclear” families, but this is clearly a mockery of the fearful, discriminatory responses many people (and institutions) had after 9/11.

It’s well-written, and the jokes are funny, and so that helps the story not feel like a diatribe. For instance, this passage perfectly mimics how newspaper stories sound while changing a few key words.

No laws currently exist to fight the proliferation of Muslim nuclear families within the U.S. That gives such Muslims as Abdul Rahman, newly naturalized citizen and Houston resident, a virtual blank check to build a nuclear family.

Also, I can’t overlook the photo illustration. Great job by The Onion in making a ordinary family’s headshots look like some sort of terror network.

“Modern-Day Proust E-Mails Friend Six Times A Day” is a classic Onion take on how people communicate just a little too much. And email is still a big part of our lives 20 years later, even if you could also write this story today using texts or Slack or TikToks or whatever.

Whereas Marcel Proust wrote novels and letters, local claims adjuster Eric Dressler writes many emails each day, with certain friends receiving most of them.

While this article is making fun of Dressler, I’m concerned about his friend Kevin Honig. He is reading way too into this, pun intended:

"Clearly there is a higher purpose to these discursive ruminations," Honig said. "In describing in great detail the new dog his next-door neighbor just got or by writing about how he was tired and just drank three cups of coffee from the vending machine down the hall, Eric is seeking to rescue these moments from the clutches of the past. Proust had the same obsession with the inexorable passage of time."

Not everyone is obsessed with Proust or likes Dressler’s emails, such as ex-girlfriend Julie Goldstein, who says Dressler’s voluminous output just reveals that “he always was a self-absorbed ass.”

This is hard to read even on The Onion’s website, but just wow. Bless this guy for putting all his thoughts — all of them — into one long paragraph.

To be fair, I feel like we all wrote too many rambling emails in the 1990s and early 2000s. Email was genuinely exciting! I remember getting my first AOL account (admittedly years before 2002) and finally getting to talk to friends online.

Check out the whole article for many more passages from Dressler’s roaming mind.

More real-life people in the news

I want to start with the very silly headline “Guy From The Strokes Accused Of Trying To Look Like Guy From The Strokes.” The Strokes! What a great early-2000s reference. So big for a short time.

Osama Bin Laden was also in the news, which perhaps sparked The Onion’s story about Muslim nuclear families. “The Bin Laden Audiotape” is such a pre-YouTube story, where we had to wait for the TV news to show us a Bin Laden video or audio clip.

The Onion asks people what they think. Lots of skeptics assuming the audio is old or fake, with one accusing Rich Little of working with al-Qaeda. There’s also this less accurate take:

"Hell, that could be anyone's voice. Even I can do bin Laden… 'Oh, yes, I very much like to blow up the buildings, sir.' No, you sound Indian."
Todd Buhner • Landscaper

Finally, we have “Jesus Surprises 700 Club With Walk-On Appearance,” where Jesus is very happy with Pat Robertson and hams it up with the crowd.2

Area People doing Area Things

There are many ways to write about the U.S. economy. You can use data and charts, you can talk to experts or government officials.

Or you can talk to random people out in the world. Local newspapers and TV stations love doing this, and The Onion satirizes them in “U.S. Consumer Confidence Down, Says Guy Trying To Sell Van.”

Dennis Schram can’t get $4,200 for his 8-year-old Chevy Astro van with just under 100,000 miles, so he concludes that the entire U.S. economy must be doing badly. He then lurches into the language of economists:

"It's a shame, because it's a great van for camping, hauling stuff, and just tooling around town," said Schram, placing a larger "For Sale" sign in the vehicle's rear window. "Gets pretty good mileage, too, which is important at a time when most median-middle-class households—those earning $40,000 to $60,000 a year from combined income—list long-term sustainability of their current lifestyle as a primary concern."

He later presents data showing that 92.6% of callers could not afford the Kelly Blue Book value, although he has a meeting with a potential buyer from the 7.4% of optimistic consumers.

I read a lot of business news for my work, so I’m very amused by this story. But I also have to read a lot of Bloomberg articles in real life. If you do not like this story, I understand.

We have 3 stories this week about the difficult dynamics between children and adults. First up is the longest of these stories, “Mother Jealous After Reading Daughter's Diary.”

This is about a 40-year-old single mom with a 14-year-old daughter. Roberta Dunn is happy her daughter, Hannah, isn’t doing drugs or getting into serious trouble, but she’s angry at the social life her daughter has — a social life unavailable to her:

"Lying in any form is unacceptable," Dunn said. "Hannah has made it appear that when she stays at a friend's house, they're sitting around watching TV or doing homework—things me and my girlfriends used to do when I was her age. In reality, though, they're hanging out at the mall flirting with Tyler and Josh and, apparently, somebody named 'Tractor Boy.' Who is Tractor Boy?"

Who is Tractor Boy?

I do feel bad for Roberta. Hannah isn’t sleeping with boys, doing drugs or having alcohol, but she’s got more opportunities for all of them than her mother does.

I like this article — it’s a nice twist on the classic “reading your child’s diary” bit.

Were the infographics good?

“New York City's Olympic Bid” is not particularly interesting today because, obviously, the 2012 Olympics did not go to NYC. I do like that Dr. Peter Rennert is the most famous New Yorker mentioned — and he appears to be fictional!

“What Was The Last Straw?” is much more my speed, especially “The baby spilling all the coke.” (So many mentions of children and babies this week!)

The joke “The ‘Women of Worldcom’ issue” almost certainly has to be one of the last WorldCom references by The Onion. Soon enough, Iraq would take over, then the financial crisis and a whole new set of corporate villains.

Also, “The Whole Nine Yards 2” nightmare became reality in 2004 as “The Whole Ten Yards.” Somehow I think I saw this movie in theaters, but I have no idea why — I’m not sure I saw the original!

What columnists ran?

“When I'm Feeling Blue, I Can Always Go To My Undisclosed Location” is a rare Dick Cheney-bylined column in The Onion. Cheney describes the pressures of work and life, and how everyone needs to get away — he goes to a “heavily guarded subterranean lair” that only Lewis Libby can fully access.

Lewis Libby is perhaps better known as Scooter, who later was convicted of federal crimes (and later pardoned). Even The Onion can’t imagine Libby doing the things he did in real life! Instead, he gives good pep talks to Cheney:

When I disappeared after that U.S. spy plane crashed in China, Lewis came and found me. He told me how it was okay to be afraid, but that you need to stand up to those fears so they don't rule your life forever. He gave me the courage to fly back to Washington on his AH-64A/D Apache helicopter and try my best to find a diplomatic solution.

This is a fun-enough story, although probably not as funny as “Cheney Caught Moonlighting” earlier in 2002. It’s also a reminder that light comedy is easier with the vice president than the president, no matter who it is.

Our other column is “Rehab Clinics Are So Much Cooler In Europe” instantly made me think of the classic 1999 Point/Counterpoint “European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men vs. American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy.”

In this column, rehab veteran Ellis Markham make a compelling case that Europe’s rehab clinics are better than their U.S. counterparts. After all, when did a U.S. rehab clinic survive a World War II bombing? Never!

But that’s only one advantage:

Another thing that's way cooler about the European clinics is the architecture. This one clinic I was in last summer in Rotterdam was in this building that had been there since, like, the early 1600s. I can't name one American rehab clinic that's been around since 1950—not even Hazelden. It was a beautiful building, too, full of old wood detailing and intricate stonework.

While he goes on and on about the food, the lovely views and the multilingual staff, you start to wonder whether the rehab is working! So many rehab stays in so many cities. This paragraph leaves me unsure of what’s next for our columnist:

I can't tell you how many fascinating people I met while cleaning up. They all had these amazing stories about overdosing in the Czech countryside or in the Greek Isles. It was such a broadening experience, it made me want to get a Eurail pass and OD all across Europe.

This is a curious column, but I’d rather have this lively, potentially misguided energy than a boring article.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week was Libra. The Onion really showed its highbrow/lowbrow sensibilities in November 2002, twice referencing the Manhattan Project and … titties.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your impassioned speech about how use of the word "titties" is never funny will be drowned out by the shrieks of laughter at the word "titties."

What holds up best?

“Modern-Day Proust E-Mails Friend Six Times A Day” is a fantastic description of someone who just wants to pour out all their thoughts but is a little too much.

This article could be (and maybe has) be reinterpreted for almost any new communication tool. Although, do enough people read Proust for the reference to work?

What holds up worst?

“New York City's Olympic Bid” isn’t horrible, but it’s irrelevant. Kind of like the infographic about Stephen King’s retirement from October 2002.

What would be done differently today?

The Onion, curiously, just ran a story about Vice President Kamala Harris getting a 2nd job, much like the 2002 Cheney story about working at Denny’s.

The Harris story is fine, but feels like an obligation to write about her. Both 2002 Cheney stories from 2002, by contrast, feel more like The Onion’s Joe Biden or Al Gore coverage — having fun inventing a fake persona for the vice president.

I can’t imagine The Onion making Jesus a fan of the 700 Club in 2022. Should The Onion invent a rift where God the father is liberal and Jesus is conservative? Or maybe that’s the worst idea I’ve had in a while.

Thank you

Glad to have so many of y’all here. If you’re relatively new, we have a massive archive!

Here are just a few favorites: My recap of the 9/11 issue, my favorite Onion story ever and Big Raccoon’s lobbying efforts.

We’re off next weekend. Happy Thanksgiving to y’all. See you in 2 weeks.

I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

The 700 Club still airs on Freeform — between episodes of “The Office” and “Family Guy” — because of a decades-old contract. The ultimate form of “Pay to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's,” I guess.

The Onion: 20 Years Later