20 years ago, The Onion anticipated the Pope's death

Will history repeat itself? Plus, a talking dog! The Onion also features Scrabble, Anderson Cooper, Terri Schiavo and Jim Anchower.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 2, 2005.

This week, we have some jokes that are suddenly relevant in 2025 — including The Onion joking about who might succeed an elderly pope with health issues.

ICYMI:

• The Onion put the Dec. 7, 1993, issue online for the 1st time ever, highlighted by “Loveliest Buses Compete For The Crown In City-Wide Bus Pageant.”

• My girlfriend saw that article on Tumblr, where The Onion is active like it’s 2013.¹

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 09, the 231st new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005, 2015 and today. Later in 2015, The Onion deprecated this archive, as you can see from this October 2015 version of the link.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.²

The front-page headline “Sucker Next Door Paying For Wireless Internet Service” is no longer online. I remember this headline because later in 2005, I moved into my 1st post-college apartment and used my upstairs neighbor’s internet the whole time.³

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Maradiaga, who is ready and willing to replace Pope John Paul II (right)

I’ve had a sense of deja vu lately with The Onion, because I distinctly remember the newspaper’s early 2000s fascination with who might succeed Pope John Paul II.⁴

Lately, The Onion has commented on Pope Francis’ health problems, including the delightfully stupid “Cardinal With 3-Foot Vertical Leap Emerges As Frontrunner In Papal Combine.”

That article shares commonalities with our top story today — 2005’s “Cocky Pope-Hopeful Ready To Make Some Changes Around Vatican”:

• Each features real-life cardinals (Timothy M. Dolan in 2025; Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga and Dionigi Tettamanzi in 2005).

• Each has cardinals campaign like secular politicians, mocking the Vatican’s secretive papal-selection process. (“Conclave” does much the same.)

But while Dolan’s not quoted, The Onion lets Maradiaga boast about the changes he’s planned for the Vatican:

Maradiaga said he would like to upgrade the pope’s public image by reviving the more formal title, The Supreme Pontiff.

“I’d like to re-establish that sense of respect for the high seat at the Holy See,” Maradiaga said. “We need to emphasize that I—assuming the inevitable happens—am in charge of the spiritual lives of more than one billion Catholics worldwide. It’s mainly a public-relations thing—no big deal, God willing.”

Some of Maradiaga’s more radical proposals:

• Revise the Sacrosanctum Concilium of 1963.

• Relocate the Vatican to Barcelona.

• Eliminate 4 Stations of the Cross.

• Stream the Mass online!⁵

However, he plans to keep “the robes, the hat, the staff.”

The Onion correctly predicts was that the next pope wouldn’t be Italian — and the push for a Latin American pope (Francis):

“The Church already had 450 years of Italian popes,” Maradiaga said. “After 27 refreshing years with a Polish pope, do you really think people are going to want to go back to Italian popes again? Just because the Vatican is in Italy, that doesn’t mean the pope’s got to be Italian. With so many Catholics in South America, the times call for a Latin man of God to don the miter. And that Latin man of God is going to be me, may He strengthen my faith with proofs.”

Maradiaga did not become the next pope. But he had some good quotes, ending with this Trump-esque turn of phrase:

"I know what I want and I'm not afraid to go for it, may He direct my steps to Himself," Maradiaga said. "It's like Pope Pius IX used to say: 'It's not the sin of pride if it's true.'"

The Terri Schiavo case

Pope John Paul II’s decline and death was a seminal 2005 event, as was the death of Terri Schiavo. But does Schiavo’s sad story resonate today? Do younger people even know who she was?

If you don’t remember Schiavo, she went into cardiac arrest in 1990 at age 27, suffering brain damage and eventually diagnosed as being in a persistent vegetative state. In 1998, her husband, Michael, petitioned a court to remove her feeding tube, setting off a 7-year legal battle that eventually involved Congress, both elected Bush brothers and the U.S. Supreme Court.

This story became a public spectacle around 2003, when Terri’s parents took their legal battle public. 20 years later, I mostly just feel bad for everyone involved.

“Schiavo's Right To Die” features The Onion asking people about a Florida judge’s ruling — on the 15th anniversary of Schiavo’s cardiac arrest — granting the removal of her feeding tube.⁶

The jokes are predictable but fine. Here’s an early form of the “Florida man” insult:

“If we allow one brain-dead Floridian to die, what’s to stop us from extending that policy to include the rest of the state?”

Lance Morse • Systems Analyst

Today’s version is missing the headshots, which you can view at the 2005 archive.

Real-life people and places

During college, I remember taking ethics and philosophy classes that discussed President George W. Bush’s views on embryonic stem cells, as well as his Council on Bioethics. Separately, the Bush administration was accused as early as 2003 of suppressing and distorting science.

I think “New Bush Science Policies” is commenting on all of these events rather than some new controversy. For example, “The Interestingly Colored Skies Initiative of 2003” references the Clear Skies Act.

A couple of jokes stand out for their modern relevance:

• “$5-billion budget allocation to scientists working to break the 100-inch plasma-screen TV barrier” is a very good mid-2000s joke,⁷ and we broke the 100-inch barrier!

• “$44 billion to NASA to put a Christian on Mars by 2035”: In 2024, NASA proposed a Mars mission during the 2030s.

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“Knife-Throwing, Plate-Spinning Congressman Dominates Newscasts” features Rep. Frank Pallone Jr., D-N.J., who is still a congressman in 2025.

“Don’t blink, [Ted] Koppel,” the blindfolded congressman said on Nightline, tossing knives over his shoulder at balloons held by Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). “These are real knives, folks!”

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn., doesn’t like Pallone’s act, but Pallone doesn’t care.

Amazingly, this is Pallone’s only Onion appearance. Why him? Why didn’t The Onion ever revisit him?

Finally, we have the front-page headline “CNN Accused Of Ignoring Certain Issues On Anderson Cooper 340°.” This is really stupid — 340 degrees is less than 360 degrees, get it? And yet, I’ve always liked this headline.

Also, “Anderson Cooper 360” continues to air.

Area People doing Area Things

If enacted, Tony's Law will require illegal-drug offenders to announce their status.

“‘Tony's Law' Would Require Marijuana Users To Inform Interested Neighbors” is a fairly generic stoner joke that also parodies Megan’s Law — the name for laws requiring sex-offender registries and community notification of such offenders living nearby.

The “Weed For Tony Coalition” testifies before Congress, seeking a national registry (including pager numbers!) to counter what The Onion refers to as “dope deprivation.”

Much like Megan’s Law advocates, Tony’s Law supporters want to be informed of their neighbors’ proclivities:

Designed to protect Americans from dry spells, Tony’s Law was named after 19-year-old New Jersey resident Tony DiCenzo, who went nine months without getting high before discovering that he lived in the same apartment building as a reliable marijuana source.

“Can you imagine the shock and anger Tony must have felt when he found out that the guy on the second floor possessed the Schedule I federal controlled substance?” Logan said. “The offender could have invited poor Tony into his apartment to smoke some at any time. It’s heartbreaking.”

A convicted drug user in Kenner, LA informs his neighbor that he has the number of a guy.

As I noted a few months ago, marijuana in the mid-2000s was having a cultural moment, but it was also under attack by the Bush administration. IMHO, the legalization movement’s gains over the past 20 years are astounding, even if federal prohibitions remain.⁸

While that’s good news for advocates, this article also feels less urgent today.

Buster eyes the competition.

One of my favorite Onion bits is talking animals. “Stop Anthropomorphizing Me” is the genre’s archetype, but we’ve also featured talking squirrels, raccoons, lobsters, monkfish and other dogs in this newsletter.

What these stories do best is highlight real-life human foibles, traumas and insecurities through the voice of an animal. “Area Dog Will Never Live Up To Dog On Purina Bag” is no exception.

Countless humans compare themselves to the commercialized, airbrushed perfection we see in the media. Of course they feel bad about themselves!

Buster, a collie-rottweiler mix in Kansas City, Mo., is no different:

“I try as hard as I can,” said Buster, lying on his blanket in the entryway of the Hopkins-family home. “I welcome [Buster’s owner] Gerald [Hopkins] home every night with lots and lots of barks and leaps. And when he sits down in his chair to read, I lie quietly at his feet. Still, when I see that dog on the Dog Chow bag, I feel like I’m nothing.”

All Buster sees is his shortcomings: not being a purebred, lacking soft fur, having an uneven bite. Worse still, the woman on the Purina bag resembles one of his owners:

“I look at the bag, and I think, ’That looks like Susan, all right, but that dog sure doesn’t look like me,’” said Buster, a hint of a growl in his throat. “I have to wonder if Susan sees the bag and thinks the same thing. When we’re out on walks, is she embarrassed to be seen with me?”

The Onion talks to an “animal behaviorist” who explains how dogs suffer from viewing “idealized media images.” And we hear from the Purina dog itself, who also thinks the grass is greener on the other side:

“And believe me,” the 3-year-old golden retriever added, “you don’t want to get me started about what it feels like to have to compete for jobs with that nippy little blond bitch on the Puppy Chow bag.”

Sadly, social media has only intensified these feelings of inadequacy — although it’s sure made a lot of dogs and cats famous.

Sawyer (left) is adjusting quite well to the death of her parents, pictured in an August 2004 photograph.

“Death Of Parents Boosts Area Woman's Self-Esteem” feels like a precursor of the “no-contact” movement, except that fate took care of the “no contact” part for 27-year-old Leah Sawyer.

I love the little details in this article:

• Her parents drove a Saturn Ion, which was produced from 2003-07.

• Sawyer sells “all of her dad’s beloved fishing poles and her mom’s macramé supplies at an estate sale in a single weekend.”

• Her eulogy is sweet but passive-aggressive, noting that her parents can be “forever young and without complaints” in heaven.

• She’s dating again, attributing her energy to her parents’ death.

In short, Sawyer is doing everything her parents criticized her for:

“I was stunned when [Leah] told me she was taking motorcycle lessons,” Sawyer’s friend Betsy Pfaff said. “She said that, since she’s proven that she can read the paper at the kitchen table without leaving dirty smudges all over the tablecloth, maybe she can also climb on a motorcycle without suffering permanent brain damage. I didn’t really get what she meant, but she’s been through a lot lately, so I didn’t question her.”

Pfaff added: “I also let it go when she said, ’You don’t think wearing red makes me look like a whore, do you?’”

The Onion talks to the Sawyer family doctor, who suggests the 5 stages of grief need a 6th stage: welcoming.

This is dark and vicious satire. And, importantly, you don’t have to dislike your parents to appreciate the writing here.

Other Area People jokes include:

• “Scrabble Come-On Only Worth Four Points”: Do people flirt while playing Scrabble? Let me know if you’ve done this.

• “Gmail User Pities Hotmail User”: This is a great, great joke,⁹ and it feels extra relevant with Microsoft shutting down Skype.

• “Ken Jennings Mistaken For Subway's Jared Again”: Poor Ken Jennings. This comparison was insulting before Jared’s crimes were revealed.

• “Heroin Addict Better Off Than Poppy Farmer”: Oof. No winners in this one.

• “Meek Coworker Taken Down A Notch”: A mousy administrative assistant insulted by a salesman? The Onion was gearing up for the March 24, 2005, debut of “The Office”!

Were the infographics good?

“What Did We Have To Go And Bring Up?” is a very good front-page infographic, answering a reasonable question with an array of zany responses.

“Differences between men and women in the fields of science and engineering” reflects then-Harvard University President Larry Summers’ comments in January 2005.

What columnists ran?

“Thank God The Year Of The Monkey Is Over” is written by Brian Kang, who had a terrible 2004. He “dropped the Prosperity Cake on the ground at the reunion dinner” and lost his job, apartment and girlfriend:

We were clicking like nobody’s business, and I really thought we had something going when she asked me what year I was born. I told her 1978, and she was quiet for a while before she said, “That’s the Year of the Horse, isn’t it?” I knew I was done for. She told me we’d have major compatibility issues because she was born in the Year of the Monkey.

In many ways, this is a Jim Anchower column, where the author complains about their sad-sack life but refuses to take any responsibility. Speaking of …

Anchower is also looking for a new place! In “Getting A New Place Sucks!” Anchower is in the hole for medical debt because he doesn’t have insurance. Also, his car was broken into, and his landlord is raising the rent $50 a month. OK, I do sympathize with him!

Anchower decides to get a new place with a roommate:

Now, ordinarily, I’m a lone wolf. After 28 years on this earth, I’ve worked out a system of living that’s pretty solid, and I don’t like anyone telling me how to deal with my shit. The last thing I need is someone telling me I drank his case of beer or left my dishes on the couch. But I was in a bad spot, and I needed someone to help bail me out.

Unfortunately, his buddy Wes isn’t available. And while Wes points him to a cheap basement rental from an old lady, Anchower wants no part of it.

So, after ~500 words, we’re back to square one. Classic Anchower.

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Aries for this Matt Levine-esque banter about financial markets:

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Your ruthlessness in carrying out love-triangle arbitrage will earn you a fearsome reputation as a short-term emotional-bond trader.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

Lots of great jokes that still work in 2025, sometimes in surprisingly new ways, such as the pope story.

The front-page infographic “What Did We Have To Go And Bring Up?” feels surprisingly fresh, too.

What holds up worst?

“Heroin Addict Better Off Than Poppy Farmer” feels cruel to everyone, which isn’t necessarily off-limits for The Onion. But I disagree with the premise, at least for the 2 principals in this article!

What would be done differently today

In “Gmail User Pities Hotmail User,” there’s a line that highlights the Luddite tendencies of the old-school Onion staff:

“Ramsak then asked Oldenburg when he was going to ‘stop being a Microstooge and join Team G.’”

Obviously, the political environment is very different today. But had The Onion been a 24/7 operation in 2005, the staff could have easily written more jokes about Bush, pop culture and sports.

Thank you

Grateful to have you here. As always, please like, comment or share as is your preference. It helps me know that I’m doing a good job — and it helps Substack push this to new folks, too.

Next week, we’ll look at Bush’s plans for Iran, reality-TV discrimination, The Onion predicting Hillary Clinton’s weakness as a candidate, the nationwide headband craze, and the never-ending “Me Decade” as coined by Tom Wolfe. See you then!

1. I once had a Tumblr that only posted alternate (and increasingly grim) endings to “How I Met Your Mother.”

2. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

3. This began as a genuine mistake. I contacted Verizon to set up internet and a landline (I know) ahead of my move-in. When I arrived, the phone worked, so I assumed the Wi-Fi network was mine, too. I was on a month-to-month lease, so I bolted that terrible apartment within 8-9 months.

4. I covered a few of these, including 2002’s “Excited Catholics Already Lining Up For Pope's Funeral” and 2001’s “Cardinals Blasted For Negative Campaign Tactics In Papal Race.”

5. The Vatican started streaming Mass during the pandemic.

6. Later in March 2005, Congress (at President George W. Bush’s urging) passed a law to move the case to federal court.

7. I always think of Barney Stinson’s 300-inch wall-sized TV.

8. Recent pushback on the wonders of legalization includes this January 2025 article in The Atlantic.

9. This Onion article was cited in a 2013 Hotmail user’s confessions and a partial 2010 HuffPost pickup of a now-lost Minyanville article (likely by Onion contributor Mike Schuster).