20 years ago, The Onion brought Christmas to Iraq and co-opted feminism
It's 20 years since Saddam Hussein was caught! Plus, The Onion weighs in on pet obesity, widescreen DVDs, conservative teens and Sen. Russ Feingold.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Dec. 17, 2003.
This was The Onion’s final new issue of 2003, although the print edition continued to publish with old material for the next 3 weeks. In a first, The Onion updated its website homepage with this old content (see Christmas Eve, New Year’s Eve and Jan. 7, 2004).
The next new issue of Onion content is Jan. 14, 2004. This newsletter will be dormant till then, except maybe a “year in review/year ahead” newsletter in early January. I’m glad for a holiday break, and I hope y’all get some time away, too.
I’m so grateful to have an audience for this silly hobby of mine. I’m honored by the readers who chime in with comments, things I missed — even old copies of the print newspaper! Thank you all for being here. We can learn a lot about our society from looking back even 20 years — and laugh a lot along the way.
If you’re new here, please sign up below. We publish most Sundays, and we’ll pick back up in 2024. View the archives here.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 49, the 174th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today. As you can see in the upper-right corner of the image above, this issue covers Dec. 18 to Jan. 7, explaining the vacation. (Note that while this is the Dec. 17 issue, the print version always lists a range starting with the day after.)
The front-page headlines “Locksmith Brings Along Boombox To Play Mission: Impossible Theme” and “Maid Frenched” are no longer online. The locksmith headline is a gem, and I’m sad it’s forgotten.1
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Christmas Brought To Iraq By Force” imagines a 2nd invasion of Iraq, this time dubbed “Operation Desert Santa.” The mission? Give Iraqis a stereotypical American Christmas season, complete with Christmas lights, Bing Crosby, caroling, eggnog and more.2
The Onion doesn’t have to tell you that Iraq is a Muslim country that (mostly) doesn’t want to celebrate Christmas. It simply omits the religion entirely, creating the intended comedic effect:
"All American military personnel have been instructed that the observation of Christmas should be carried out efficiently and tastefully, with minimal emphasis on the season's commercial aspects," said [Lt. Gen. Ricardo] Sanchez, who addressed reporters while a decorations division strung wreaths and garlands outside his headquarters. "We must keep in mind that the reason for the season-oriented campaign is for Iraq to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
An aide for Sanchez later explained that, in order to ensure a meaningful holiday season for all Iraqis, provisions were made for those Iraqis who elected to observe Hanukkah.
The Onion doctoring an image of a mosque with Christmas decorations was probably a more political gesture than intended. Meanwhile, even this fictional Iraq has U.S. troops facing violence:
Like many U.S. operations in Iraq, Operation Desert Santa has met with some resistance. A convoy transporting fruitcake and gingerbread came under rocket attack Sunday night just outside Checkpoint Noël in Basra, and unidentified bands of Iraqis exchanged gunfire with Marines operating an armored Humvee simulated sleigh ride in a Baghdad suburb.
“Humvee simulated sleigh ride” is a phrase I didn’t expect!
This is great satire. Lots of people could come up with the headline joke. But this level of detail and imagination? That’s why The Onion is what it is.
This story is well-written and makes sense for the time. The Onion mocks the war effort, Christmas spirit and the Middle East’s lack of religious freedom simultaneously. Christmas in Iraq surely felt like an anachronism! But the funny thing about satire is that sometimes the parody turns into reality.
As a 2021 news article notes:
In Baghdad, the city council has placed Christmas trees at intersections and many big hotels and restaurants are decorated accordingly. After visiting markets in the city this month, Iraqi website, Shafaq News, wrote that Christmas is bigger than ever in Iraq. This year, sales of trees and Santa figures are "unprecedented" and the turnout "remarkable," the outlet reported, after speaking with local stallholders.
The real-life circumstances are very different from The Onion’s. But I love that all Iraq needed was 15-20 years of American consumer culture before it decided Christmas was good (or at least lucrative).
“Senate Carpool 'Forgets' To Pick Up Feingold Again” has stuck in my head for 20 years.
This article reminds me of 2 things: Old sitcom plots and the actual living arrangements of U.S. senators.
The sitcom-y part is simple: Feingold, the Democrat from Wisconsin who voted against the Patriot Act, is in a carpool with Sens. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK), Chuck Hagel (R-NE), Bill Nelson (D-FL), and Dick Durbin (D-IL). They keep “forgetting” to pick up Feingold — and they gaslight him relentlessly:
For some reason, Feingold has never been left behind on a payday, when carpool members each chip in $53 for their shared spot in the Senate reserved parking lot.
"Look, none of us are out to get Rusty," Nelson said. "That's just silly. We get out on the road, we're going, we're doing our thing, and it feels like everyone's in the car. The next thing we know, someone says, 'Oopsie, where's Feingold? Did we forget him again?'"
(I’m curious whether this carpool lives in the same universe as February 2003’s “Sophomore Senator Eager To Move Out Of Congressional Housing.”)
In real life, Dick Durbin lived with Sen. Chuck Schumer and other politicians in a D.C. townhouse for decades — the Amazon show “Alpha House” is based on their pad.
The gang also forces Feingold to listen to the 2000s-era WMAL radio show “Grandy and Andy” and excludes him from breakfast runs to Krispy Kreme and post-work outings to Chi-Cha Lounge.3
Poor Feingold. He’s increasingly ostracized — and running out of options:
One Beltway insider noted that Feingold's current carpool is the senator's third in the past five years.
"I was carpooling with Russ in '98," Ron Wyden (D-OR) said. "Everyone else wanted to have a nice relaxing ride in, but Feingold would start up on campaign finance reform the second his seatbelt clicked. That guy would not shut up for a second."
Feingold’s previous appearances included a blindfolded trust walk in 2001’s “Congress Holds Weekend Trust-Building Retreat” and getting bit by a Rottweiler-pitbull-Doberman mix in “Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog.”
The Onion covered North Korea extensively in 2003, starting with January’s “Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot,” where I had to bluff my way through a discussion of Gundam.
In real life, North Korea started 2003 by breaking a treaty, and it closed 2003 with “North Korea's Nuclear Proposal.”
I enjoy these jokes — both the silly ones (“Eisner to be fired as Disney’s CEO”4 and “Kim Jong Il to replace FDR on American dimes”) and the barely satirical statements about North Korea’s nuclear ambitions.
Other political news in this issue included:
“Saddam Hussein Found Hiding In Mother Of All Holes In The Dirt”: Saddam was found by U.S. forces on Dec. 13, 2003, giving The Onion little time to do more than this front-page headline.
“Conservative Teens”: The Onion asks people about a study claiming early-2000s teens were more conservative about abortion and drug use.5 These responses feel very dated — references to “Girls Gone Wild,” spam emails and Ann Coulter. This one, however, could run in any year:
"Of course teens are conservative. They're rebelling against the liberal bias that controls the media."
John Zimmerman • City Planner
“Bush Won't Put Down New Football”: Of the many jokes about President George W. Bush being dumb or child-like, this is one of the most humanizing. If you could make Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld mad simply by waving around a “Wilson official NFL leather game football,” wouldn’t you?
Area People doing Area Things
“So-Called Obese Pets Held To Unrealistic Body Standards” is written like an investigative story. We start with an ordinary Labrador dog living life — but something is wrong. Terribly wrong.
Tippy the Labrador is 65 pounds overweight, you see.
This is a fascinating article to revisit 20 years later. Our culture has changed its tone about obesity and fat jokes, and The Onion is no exception. But how does that apply to pets, who don’t feed themselves and don’t possess the psychological and mental complexity that humans do?
This article holds up, in my opinion, because The Onion isn’t making fun of the pets. In fact, it’s almost too serious, citing the real-life American Veterinary Medical Association and exhaustively listing real-life animal health issues.
Also noteworthy: The Onion claims over 25% of American cats and dogs are overweight. Today, that percentage is well over 50% — a doubling in 20 years!
As I’ve written before, I approach old Onion stories with a few key questions. They include “Who is The Onion making fun of?” and “Did it do so successfully?” Here, the target is humans who imprint their personalities and views onto their pets:
"It's insulting that 'experts' are telling our pets how to live," Grimer said. "Our pets are perfectly fine with the way they look. No animal should be forced to live up to the unobtainable standard of beauty on the cover of a magazine like Cat Fancy."
Preferring terms like "plump," "stout," and "curvy," Eric Willis said he's proud that his 110-pound golden retriever has "a little something on the hindquarters."
Back to Tippy. The Onion differentiates between “Should we panic/moralize about a dog’s weight?” and “This owner thinks her dog is a little human with independent reasoning”:
"No one's going to tell me that Tippy isn't beautiful the way he is," Mathers said. "If he wants to lose weight, that's fine. But he doesn't have to do it for me, or the vet, or even my husband, who doesn't want Tippy allowed in the living room because of his intestinal troubles. I think Tippy's perfect, even if he can't fit through his doggy door anymore."
Our other full-length article is “Non-Widescreen Version Of DVD Received As Hanukkah Gift,” which is outdated in terms of DVDs but represents an important debate about how we preserve and present movies and TV shows.6
Tyler Rosenstein receives the “full screen” version of “The Matrix Reloaded” from his aunt and uncle. His relatives tried so hard, and yet failed:
"It's frustrating, because they came so close to getting me exactly what I wanted," said Rosenstein, lying on his bed and sneering at the DVD. "This is a $30 item. But what am I supposed to do with it? Why would they even release a full-screen Matrix Reloaded, when every single frame of that movie is so artfully composed? Even leaving framing aside, the movie cries out for each of its visual elements to be seen."
"It's an unwatchable piece of crap," said Rosenstein, tossing the DVD onto a pile of gifts that included a sweatshirt and a digital memo recorder.
The aunt and uncle previously erred by giving Tyler “The Wedding Singer” and the non-extended version of “Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring.”
Tyler needs to tell his relatives exactly what to get him. Stop the guessing game! I love how mad he is here:
"Why do they call it 'full-screen' anyway, when it's only two-thirds of the stupid movie?" Rosenstein asked. "Fucking bullshit aspect ratio!"
Other Area People items include:
“Network Pushes The 'Dumbing It Down' Envelope”: You can’t even satirize reality TV anymore. The Onion was still trying in 2003.
“Turkey Sandwich Given Locally Relevant Name”: Love this joke. You can also purchase the “Birthplace Of James Dean Tomato Noodle Soup.”
“Author Accepts Award On Ghostwriters' Behalf”: Sadly, Alexander Haig did not write a book called “No Victory.” The last sentence is a classic: “Haig has not touched his Apple IIe since 1994 and spends most of his time hot-air ballooning in Naples.”
“Vacationing Couple To Try Something They Don't Like”: I wish stories like these were more than a paragraph. Such a good premise.
Finally, there were 2 front-page photos:
“Celebrity 'Caught' Smoking” is a cropped version of a Britney Spears photo from June 11, 2003.
“Burger King Hat Put In Deep Fryer” is silly and makes me laugh.
Were the infographics good?
“How Are We Cooking The Goose?” reminds me that I’ve never had goose, much less for Christmas — and apparently, goose has fallen off the menu.
I love these jokes. “With SCIENCE!” and “In front of other geese, to serve as an example” are my favorites.
We also have “The Onion presents: Drinking Responsibly During The Holidays,” which is very dark. I mean, here’s the opening joke:
If you are a woman, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol. If you are a man, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol.
Other jokes discuss “good” drunk drivers, Vicodin, drinking alone and switching from whiskey to wine after becoming a parent.
These jokes aren’t bad, per se, but they feel less like jokes and more like “actual dangers of holiday drinking.”
What columnists ran?
“How Can I Use Feminism To My Advantage?” is a fascinating Google search in 2023. You see, this article is written by Megan Heller, but the 1st Google result for me was a joke from comedian Emily Heller (a writer and producer on “Barry”).
Anyways, this article is The Onion trying to stir up trouble. If everyone loves this column, The Onion failed.
Megan Heller is a student at Macalester College who immediately gravitates to Erica, who was critical of the welcome-week luau party for being racist and sexist. Megan sees how this public stand gave Erica power, and wow, does she want that:
Once we became closer, Erica told me that she didn't care about the stupid luau anyway. She had bigger things to worry about, like defending women against the so-called Right's war against reproductive liberties. Her work at the Campus Coalition For Women sounded thrilling. I wanted to cash in on the centuries-long subjugation of my gender, too!
Megan’s views can be summed up as such:
Most of the women in the network are fully committed to eradicating harmful gender stereotypes and redefining sexual archetypes. I am, too, whenever it places me in a favorable social position.
…
The thing that really surprised me, given the fundament of feminist dialoguing, is how easy it is to use feminism against fellow feminists.
I’m not the ideal person to offer deep commentary on this one, but every group has infighting and status-seekers. The Onion got those aspects right, at the very least.
Our other column might be even more outrageous. “I Have A Dream: To Eat A Kentucky Derby-Winning Horse” parodies inspirational speeches, but also parts of Martin Luther King Jr.’s 1963 “I Have A Dream” speech and Jesse Jackson’s 1988 “Keep Hope Alive” speech.
Like the feminism column, this is best read in full. I do love how our columnist has had many prior unfulfilled dreams:
I remember how, not long ago, I pledged to take a black fine-point Sharpie and fill in the circles of all of the letters and numbers in every book in the Baltimore Public Library system. I abandoned that dream to pursue a more exciting life's goal: to find and burn every existing copy of Prevention magazine. Then I decided that I must find the match to every unpaired sock at Goodwill. Yet all of these dizzying aims pale in comparison to the prospect of eating a big old horse.
Amazing prose. I don’t know that it’s 100% healthy to dream up these scenarios, but I applaud The Onion’s results.
What was the best horoscope?
There are some good horoscopes about Chinese script tattoos, wintry weather and predestination, but my favorite this week is Virgo:
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It's always the last person you'd expect that ends up being a murderer, marrying your sibling, or getting elected president.
What holds up best?
In terms of lasting relevance, “Turkey Sandwich Given Locally Relevant Name” is hard to beat.
In terms of 20-year-old stories you could use to start a fight, “So-Called Obese Pets Held To Unrealistic Body Standards” and “How Can I Use Feminism To My Advantage?” are fine weapons.
What holds up worst?
“Saddam Hussein Found Hiding In Mother Of All Holes In The Dirt” is fine, given the tight deadline facing The Onion, but it’s forgettable.
What would be done differently today?
The Saddam news would have been huge today! Plus, we’d see more coverage of Christmas, sports and the upcoming presidential election, among other things.
Note how many full-length articles are in this issue, including the columns. Divide that by roughly half, and add like 5 slideshows of super-obvious jokes, and that’s closer to the 2023 Onion (which, admittedly, is shackled by awful ownership).
To that last point, I was sad to learn that Onion writer Skyler Higley has left The Onion. He tweeted out dozens of his headlines recently. Some of these jokes feel like they’d fit in the 1990s or 2000s (such as “Unclear What About Cereal Commercial Prompted Dad To Reveal Past Affair”), but many would be out of place in 2003. That’s not a criticism. Everything changes, even The Onion.
Thank you
Thank you for being here! Please share this newsletter with anyone you think might enjoy it.
This marks 4 years of writing this newsletter. Unbelievable. I am looking forward to returning in 2024 to recap a pivotal presidential election year and try to remember all the cultural things I’ve forgotten about 2004. Hope to see you then!
The only mentions of the locksmith headline I could find were a 2012 tweet (when this headline was still online) and a 2003 forum thread asking about the legalities/moralities of copying “Do not duplicate” keys.
There was some gift-giving, although it’s not clear the Iraqi kids understood (or cared) why. Also, 4 U.S. soldiers were killed in Iraq on Christmas 2003.
Chi-Cha, a real-life D.C. hookah lounge, closed during the pandemic but has reopened
Eisner’s eventual downfall started in November 2003, although it didn’t gain steam until 2004.
Regarding abortion, Gallup data shows that 2002 and 2005 were the highest on record for teens wanting a full ban. However, teens of that era appear to be more liberal today, judging from today’s 30-49 age bracket.
To whit, Christopher Nolan fought to get “Oppenheimer” in 70mm and IMAX. On the flip side, Netflix is ruining “Seinfeld” jokes with bad cropping.
Funnily enough, I recall seeing online discussions fairly recently about both conservative teens and obese pets (in different contexts, to be clear). In the case of the former, there are claims that teens are getting more conservative about sexual matters, possibly because they grew up around online porn. And the latter comes up in discussions about how environmental contaminants may be causing human obesity: if it's literally "something in the water" making people fat, we should see fat animals, but do we?
Using feminism to your own advantage, of course, never goes out of style! Nor does dumbing it down. I am fairly sure "Extreme Explosions" is something you can view today, though more likely on YouTube than TV.