20 years ago, The Onion talked about "The Apprentice"

Plus, Bush in Iran! Hillary Clinton! Alan Greenspan! The Edge! And a lot of death and despair.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 9, 2005.

I’m on vacation for a few days, so I’ve written this ahead of time (for once!) and scheduled it. But please leave comments or reply to the email — always happy to hear from you!

This week, we’re revisiting the Bush administration’s real-life war of words — and potentially more — with Iran in early 2005. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, so let’s get to it.

If you’re new here, welcome! I invite you to sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 10, the 232nd new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2005 and today. There’s no working 2015 version on Internet Archive; by September 2015, the Vo. 41, Issue 10 page loads this, instead.

The front-page image is courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.¹

The front-page headline “Country Mouse, City Mouse Devour Face Of Homeless Corpse” is no longer online. This is, of course, a morbid play on Aesop’s fables and other tales.

What was the top story, and other impressions?

Bush announces the pullout of Iraq through Iran.

In 2005, the U.S. was struggling to turn Iraq into a peaceful democracy (and still in Afghanistan), yet some dreamers in the Bush administration wanted to attack even more countries!

“Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy: 'We'll Go Through Iran’” is The Onion’s reaction to President George W. Bush calling Iran “the world's primary state sponsor of terror” and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice calling on Iran to stop enriching uranium.²

Military strikes were reportedly considered, although Gen. Michael Hayden later said the administration agreed this approach wouldn’t work.

This is a fun article, but Bush made it easy for The Onion. If he was already at loggerheads with Iran, the jokes would write themselves.

As you can see above, the U.S. plan involved sending troops along three routes from Iraq into Iran. Easy-peasy!

Bush said the U.S. Army, which deposed Iran’s longtime enemy Saddam Hussein, should be welcomed with open arms by the Islamic-fundamentalist state.

“And Iran’s so nearby,” Bush said. “It’s only a hop, skip, and a jump to the east.”

Gen. George Casey is requesting $187 billion(!) to pay for tanks, artillery, cargo planes and “50,000 additional troops.” For contrast, Congress had only (officially) appropriated $146 million for the Iraq war to this point.

Sean Hannity, pictured in February 2005’s “Michael Moore Honored With New Ben & Jerry's Flavor,” gets a quote this time:

“The people who said Iraq was a quagmire and that the president would never get our troops out are now eating crow,” said Sean Hannity on his popular radio show Tuesday. “Of course, I don’t expect anyone will have the honor to come forward and actually admit that they were wrong to question our commander-in-chief.”

The Ayatollah, unsurprisingly, is all too eager to “make the troops’ trip back home memorable.”

Some of the Iranian citizens U.S. troops will meet as they pass through Iran.

This joke is mostly an excuse to draw that map and make fun of Bush, but it’s still a good read 20 years later. Thankfully, it wasn’t a harbinger of things to come.

A couple of notes on the photos:

• The Bush photo is from the Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day ceremony on Dec. 7, 2004.

• The Iran photo has been used many times by news outlets. Best as I can tell, it’s from Tehran around the 25th anniversary of Iran taking over the U.S. embassy there.

Other political jokes in this issue include:

• “Could Hillary Clinton Have What It Takes To Defeat The Democrats In 2008?” No.³

• “Consumption Tax Proposed”: Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, the rock star of Onion lore, suggested a national sales tax,⁴ and The Onion asked people for their thoughts. My favorite response:

  • “That damn Kerry! Even though he didn’t get elected, he’s somehow managed to sneak his insidious liberal tax-raising agenda onto us anyway!”

    Connie Crane • Dentist

The Onion makes clear its opinion, too:

“We tried an income-based tax for nearly a century and look what it brought us: greater economic stability and government accountability. Clearly, we must explore other options.”

Adrian Sears • Short Order Cook

The Onion looks at pop culture

The cast of the popular reality-TV show The Apprentice 3.

“Study: Reality TV, Reality Unfair To Blacks” is surprisingly relevant today because it focuses on “The Apprentice,” the reality show hosted by now-President Donald Trump.

There are a lot of layers to this story. The Onion is simultaneously satirizing, among other things:

1. Race in America, including how we talk about representation

2. Nonprofits that put out sweeping studies on life in America

3. Reality TV

The fictional Center for Media and Social Research⁵ notes that Black Americans face an unfair life on and off screen. Among these victims is Omarosa (previously misnamed by Jackie Harvey):

“Producers edited footage to make Omarosa look like a self-involved diva,” study director Simon Rosemead said. “Her allegations are not isolated. Reality shows often depict black female contestants as sassy and overly aggressive, and black male TV contestants often appear incompetent and lazy. They are minor characters who are often prematurely ousted from the TV workplace.”

Obviously, this is a story of systemic oppression faced by Black Americans, with a slight twist to add reality TV. In fact, The Onion doesn’t even have to invent incidents. The article singles out “American Idol” twice — once for viewers’ lack of support for Jennifer Hudson (called out by Elton John) and for the music industry and fans boosting Clay Aiken’s career over “Idol” winner Ruben Studdard.

Blacks in Atlanta, GA line up for a chance to compete for factory jobs.

There’s also a bit of The Onion playing up to and/or satirizing the Mort Sahl political joke-turned-conservative-meme "World Ends Tomorrow: Women and Minorities Hardest Hit.”

You can best see this dichotomy in passages like this:

The study detailed Hudson’s story, as well as that of black Chicago resident Shonalda Brown, 11, who has lived in crime-ridden public housing her entire life, and was raped at the age of 5.

“Like reality TV, reality is a discriminatory institution that is unfair to the black community,” Rosemead said. “Only 14 percent of the black population has a bachelor’s degree, and there has never been a black bachelor on TV’s The Bachelor.”

The Onion closes with a brief mention of Studdard, the “Idol” winner, being beaten to death by the LAPD, which I would guess relies on the cultural memory of Rodney King.

Longtime readers will note that The Onion has accepted reality TV’s ascension to the mainstream, especially compared with a few years earlier.

Other pop culture items include:

• “'Me Decade' Celebrates 35th Year”: You could update this Tom Wolfe-inspired joke to “55th Year” without losing much. In fact, The Onion predicted it (with a typo!):

  • “With careerism, materialism, and general self-involvement as popular as they were was decades ago, the Me Decade may well go on for another 35 years,” said historian and Columbia University professor Dr. Vera Conklin.

• “The Edge Still Introducing Self As Such”: Credit to this man for giving himself such an awkward moniker but sticking with it for decades. I love this anecdote from the real-life Malibu restaurant:

  • Employees at Gladstone’s 4 Fish restaurant said Evans placed “The Edge” on their waiting list when he took his family out for fried scallops last week.

Area People doing Area Things

Walling, who is asking the public for help in his upcoming massacre.

The Onion is famous for republishing “'No Way to Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens,” but another candidate might have been the mostly forgotten “Victims Sought In Next Week's Shooting.”

This story parodies the press conferences held when local officials ask for the public’s help finding a killer, fugitive, missing child, etc. This time, it’s “area psychopath Roland Walling” who needs help:

"Right now, the community's involvement is essential," Walling said. "I have no solid leads for potential victims, so please contact me immediately if you can be a target for my insane outburst of rage, or if you know someone who might be willing to be shot."

Added Walling: "I repeat—anyone who can be in the vicinity of the Tryon Street post office between 12:15 and 12:18, please come forward."

The reason I say The Onion could have repurposed this story, potentially, is because the first responders know they’ll be called into action but are resigned to their fate:

Homicide detective Ryan Fowles of the Charlotte Police Department expects to be the first at the scene.

“It sounds like it will be like nothing I’ll have ever seen in my 20 years in law enforcement,” Fowles said. “It’s going to be hard on all of us, largely because there will be no good reason why this will have had to have happened.”

The Onion also talks to residents who may or may not be the next victims. They express concern about the children and how they’ll angrily question law enforcement afterward.

Peterson, who made the fashion statement later copied by stars like Russell Crowe (right)

America loves a good fad — making “Nationwide Headband Trend Traced Back To Area Sophomore” a wonderful story to revisit.

The Onion was founded in the Midwest and generally pays more attention to the region than the real media. This article is set in Pierre, S.D. — the capital of fashion trends. Says Pierre West High School sophomore Melody Peterson:

“Yeah, I started doing that headband thing, like, six months ago,” the 16-year-old Peterson told reporters Monday. “Of course, all the other girls in my school were wearing them right after I did, and then everyone in South Dakota started doing it. Pretty soon, I was seeing headbands on TV and stuff.”

So nonchalant, just like a modern influencer!

I’m also pleased to report another mention of Russell Crowe (last seen in February 2005’s “Jude Law's First 100 Days As People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive”). The headband really changes Crowe’s look, right? He comes across like a “Saved By The Bell” cast member instead of the guy from “Gladiator.”

Many other celebrities are wearing headbands, including Lindsay Lohan, Gwen Stefani, Ashton Kutcher, Hillary Duff and Brad Pitt, which sounds right.⁶ Many brands and fashion designers are adding headbands, too, including Juicy Couture co-founder Gela Nash.

Of all the name-dropping, this is my favorite:

Continued Peterson: “Someone sent me a picture of [Vice President] Dick Cheney wearing a headband like mine, and it made me want to puke. Newsflash to government guys: If you work in an office, don’t try to be cool.”

Starting a national trend in 2025 feels very difficult. When it does happen (Kendrick Lamar’s evisceration of Drake, I guess?), it really stands out.

Other Area People jokes include:

• “Thick Sweater No Match For Determined Nipples”: Look, I laughed at this even though I didn’t want to.

• “Bar Bet Becomes Increasingly Complex”: This is a bet about the movie “Sin City.” Today’s version would inevitably involve FanDuel or DraftKings.

• “Script Could Use Another Pass, Mom Says”: I don’t love “Persistence of Vision” as the movie title.

• “Mysterious Defibrillator Saves Accident Victim, Disappears”: The happy version of “Victims Sought In Next Week's Shooting,” plus the absurd visual of an ambulatory defibrillator. The Onion sets this story at a Goode Co. barbeque joint in San Antonio, although the parent company only recently announced its 1st location there.

Were the infographics good?

“New Stop-Smoking Aids” plays on the Nicorette boom, which took off after the FDA allowed the gum and patch to be sold over the counter in 1996. Lots of wordplay here, including “Nic At Night All-Night Nicotine-Replacement Television.”

I like the idea of a character named “Mr. Masher, the trained bull elephant who really, really hates secondhand smoke.”

Also, lung cancer!

Renting to own is a very old concept. But in hindsight, “Top Rent-To-Own Items” feels like the top of the credit boom that led to the Great Recession.

“House” is a good one.

What columnists ran?

Donald E. Little is fed up with his job. He’s mad at hell and not going to take it anymore — but he’s also unwilling to break societal norms.

That’s the premise of “Take This Job And Shove It Following The Customary Two-Week Notification Period,” which feels surprisingly close to one of those viral LinkedIn posts.

This is a good rant, but you can really feel how powerless he is — training his replacement, no less!

Go ahead and tell my coworkers that I’m as good as gone. Or I’ll tell them when I see them in the breakroom today. Oh, and that reminds me, I’ll have to stop by Human Resources and tell Barbara that I need a COBRA health-insurance form, too.

I’ve said all I have to say to you, barring any work-related discussions we’ll need to have between now and Thursday after next—so farewell and good riddance! If you need to apologize for how you’ve treated me all these years, I’ll be training my replacement.

I’ve looked forward to reviewing “How Could I Get My Wife's Funeral So Wrong?” The headline alone raises many questions.

Norman Breen means well, but this funeral is a tragic comedy of errors, from holding the wake at the mini-golf course to hiring a mariachi band for the church service:

I finally asked the band to stop and handed them their pay, including a good-sized tip so they’d clear out fast. But there was a language barrier. And besides, I mess everything up. I don’t know how it happened, I just know that instead of stopping, the band launched into the hat dance.

He attempts to honor his late wife’s love of animals by … renting a bunch? It’s worse than you’d expect:

Fran, my love, honestly, I had no idea the elephant came with a party package until it marched into the graveyard surrounded by a retinue of juggling clowns and costumed dogs. All it took was one look at my relatives’ ashen faces to realize what an inappropriate choice I’d made.

At least the funeral was memorable, right?

What was the best horoscope?

My favorite horoscope this week is Scorpio for this wonderful follow-up to last week’s pope story:

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
The stars suggest that you keep your mouth shut next week when you lose a lot of money in your church's Pope John Paul II death pool.

I know someone who has been in a death pool for many years. Apparently, younger deaths garner more points than the elderly, which is logical but also grim.

Once again, the horoscopes don’t display correctly on today’s website. The 2005 archive has a better view.

What holds up best?

“Could Hillary Clinton Have What It Takes To Defeat The Democrats In 2008?” could be an entire newsletter unto itself.

“'Me Decade' Celebrates 35th Year” is fascinating because Tom Wolfe really grasped the zeitgeist back in his day — and this, in particular, still holds up. But like almost everyone not named Harper Lee, Wolfe spent decades attempting to repeat the feat. To be fair, “The Right Stuff” and “Bonfire of the Vanities” were big hits, but by 2005, The Onion might have had him in mind for the prior year’s bad sex writing extravaganza called “I Am Charlotte Simmons.”

I also love “Nationwide Headband Trend Traced Back To Area Sophomore, ” a story I had no recollection of before this year. What a fun journey!

What holds up worst?

“New Stop-Smoking Aids” is perfectly fine but probably comes off as less relevant today, in addition to the jokes being (deliberately) silly.

What would be done differently today?

Obviously, the current political climate would shape the content.

The monthly print newspaper revival is also interesting. Would today’s staff use jokes like these in the print edition, saving more time-sensitive and topic material for the website? I genuinely don’t know.

Thank you

Grateful to have you here. As always, please like, comment or share as is your preference. It helps me know that I’m doing a good job — and it helps Substack push this to new folks, too.

Next week, we’ll revisit Michael Jackson’s death — four years before it actually happened — plus the follies of local government, Jackie Harvey’s review of the Oscars and a special St. Patrick’s Day timeline! See you then!

1. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

2. For what it’s worth, Iran is still enriching uranium 20 years later! The less fun part of this newsletter is highlighting intractable problems that span generations.

3. The Onion was 6+ months away from its 1st mention of then-Sen. Barack Obama.

4. Greenspan was more nuanced than The Onion suggests, saying a hybrid income/sales tax system or a sales tax with exemptions would be more politically viable.

5. This center was also cited in the less funny “Study: 25-Foot-Tall Asian Women Remain Underrepresented In Media” from 2013.

6. Also in 2005, Gwen Stefani infamously decided that she was part-Japanese(!) and launched a whole movement/fashion line in that vein.