20 years ago, Bush wanted to overthrow Saddam
We also explore themes of the nanny state, airline security, mistresses and Jean Teasdale's funemployment.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 16, 2002.
This week, The Onion resumes the march toward the Iraq war, and we have 1 of my favorite front-page headlines.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 38, the 121st new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.
I couldn’t find ”Bush On Economy: 'Saddam Must Be Overthrown” in today’s Issue 38 or a Google search, but it does exist, thankfully.
The front-page headline “Nantucket Poet Laureate Refuses To Apologize For Controversial Limerick” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
A couple of issues ago, I talked about the challenge of evaluating The Onion’s pre-war Iraq coverage. Mainly, I wondered whether some articles would make good points or seem prescient but not necessarily be funny.
”Bush On Economy: 'Saddam Must Be Overthrown” feels genuinely funny to me in parodying both the apparent obsession President George W. Bush had with Saddam Hussein and the uncanny ability all politicians have of sticking to their talking points no matter what topic you bring up.
The economy was a worry in 2002, in part because of all the business scandals. And make no mistake — Bush wants to fix the economy and punish corporate wrongdoers. But he’s also a little distracted:
"We can no longer turn a blind eye to our tumbling stock market and the disintegration of the retirement package of the American worker," Bush said. "That is why I have developed a 14-point plan for reviving America's economy. The first step is taking the biological and chemical weapons out of the hands of this madman. These sorts of weapons have no place in a peaceful world."
The Onion also uses viral phrases from the period, like "Bush saying, “This man tried to kill my dad”1 and press secretary Ari Fleischer saying, “Let’s roll.”
I acknowledge that this story is relevant because we actually invaded Iraq. But I think there’s solid writing and a funny juxtaposition in the topics. (In fact, The Onion repeated the tactic a few months later.)
This reminds me a bit of The Onion’s longtime coverage of President Barack Obama’s love for killer drones — they should be making fun of this, and the challenge is writing jokes, not just attack lines.
“FAA Considering Passenger Ban” takes a logical observation to its illogical endpoint:
“In every single breach of security in recent years, whether it was an act of terrorism or some other form of crime, it was a passenger who subverted the safety systems on board the aircraft or in the terminal,” FAA administrator Marion Blakey said.
Clearly, if you have no passengers, you’ll have no terrorism or other problems!!
The government offers bus and train passage for customers holding airline tickets, among other accommodations:
Should such transportation prove unavailable or inadequate, passengers on most major airlines will receive either a portion of their airfare refunded or a coupon redeemable for a future flight, from which they will also be banned.
Obviously this story is set in a different time. 9/11 was fresh, as was the shoe bomber incident — not to mention the non-terror crash of Flight 587 in late 2001. Airport security was still evolving, as TSA was operational but not the Department of Homeland Security.
But there’s universal sentiment inherent in this article — airline passengers are awful, and airport security is a nightmare.
I was conflicted about “Goodwill Toy Section Most Depressing Thing Ever.” Sure, this could be based off an Onion writer’s visit to a Goodwill, in the way so many “Seinfeld” storylines somehow came straight from real life.
But I was wary about poor families being made fun of. That’s not fun to read or laugh about.
Thankfully, The Onion is mostly making fun of Goodwill’s low standards, with everyone quoted in the story horrified or saddened by the awful display.
"This stuff's in such bad shape, it's hard to even enjoy it for the kitsch factor," Litt said. "I saw a can of Lincoln Logs over there and got excited. But when I opened it, there were only, like, three or four logs and a bunch of other crap—a Tinkertoy wheel with gum stuck in the holes, about a dozen bent Uno cards, a pair of lens-less sunglasses, a couple jigsaw-puzzle pieces, a marble, and a bicycle reflector."
There’s also mockery of Goodwill for stocking random, out-of-context McDonald’s promotional toys:
“Removed from the context of the movie and the corresponding Happy Meal box, the toy becomes that much more pitiful and obsolete than its non-promotional counterpart."
Between the dirty Frisbees, the leaky Magic 8-Ball and the legless Pound Puppies ripoffs, this is a depressing article!
Area People doing Area Things
“New Mistress Seems To Be Good For Area Man” is a little cruel because the wife is the only one unaware of what’s really happening, but I do like the matter-of-fact attitude everyone takes. Folks are just happy this guy is happy and productive.
One possible lesson: People will tolerate almost anything if it makes their personal situation better:
"For the last two months, Len has been in unusually high spirits," said Georgia McGlothen, who works with Stavros in the accounting department of Allied Plastics. "I used to dread going to his office for something, because you never knew if you were going to get Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. But, lately, he's been nothing but smiles. I really hope they secretly stay together."2
Len Stavros is working out, eating better and being less rude since meeting his vegetarian mistress. Seems like life is great for this accountant.
I wish they would have quoted the mistress. That's the person I really want to hear from.
While this article is solid, a better version is June 2002’s “Affair Broken Up By Other Affair” or 2003’s “Looks Like Someone Let The Affair Cat Out Of The Wife Bag.”
But still, for the 4th story in the issue, it’s pretty good.
Other Area People adventures this week include:
“Baby Found On Doorstep Moved To Neighbor's Doorstep”: One of the most memorable front-page headlines (to me, at least). What a visual — and so many unanswered questions!
“Activity Made Up To Sell Athletic Shoes”: It’s barely parody that Nike or another shoe company would pretend that a shoe was absolutely necessary for a sport. I love the quote from Nike founder Phil Knight: “Whatever bog-ramping is, and wherever and by whom it is done, don't even think about trying it without your Nikes."
“Man Doesn't Realize Date Went Terribly”: This sounds like so many editions of the Washington Post’s long-running Date Lab series.
“Georgia School Board Bans 'Theory Of Math'“: Georgia is obviously a huge political state this year, but this is the 2nd time in 2002 The Onion ran a big story about 2002’s Georgia races. I also like the phrase “valid theories of numerical representation.”
“Marketing Guru Also A Getting-Divorced Guru”: Who knew that accountants were better at keeping marriages alive than marketers? Also, the word “guru” remains overused.
“No One Has Heart To Ask Human Beat Box To Stop”: I enjoyed this. I don’t have any deep commentary. I just found it to be funny.
“Logo In Corner Of TV Reminds Man He's Masturbating To Spice”: I’m thrilled to say I had never heard of this channel. How much has changed in 20 years that this was the 2002 equivalent of a modern pornography story!
Finally, I can’t ignore this front-page headline and photo. It’s an easy joke, but the visual really sells it: “Religious Pamphlet Sat On.”
Were the infographics good?
“What Are We Gluing To The Governor Of Wyoming?” is deliberately silly, and I like it. (The actual governor was Jim Geringer.3)
The only joke I would revise is “funny hillbilly beard.” Seems like if you have to announce it’s funny, how funny could it be?
“2002 Nobel Prize Winners” was definitely the least-exciting item in this issue for me before I sat down to write this. But it wasn’t too bad. I laughed at Ethan Hawke, maybe the most overly serious actor, winning a Nobel for literature. (He actually wrote his 2nd novel in 2002!)
I also liked the Bachman-Turner Overdrive reference and the world’s greatest grandpa award.
What columnists ran?
“You're Not One Of Those Couples Who Secretly Videotape Their Nanny, Are You?” is an ominous headline. The nanny business is dangerous!
At first, nanny Helen Parrish is reluctant to raise the subject, and when she does, she talks about it in terms of government overreach and “some kind of Orwellian nightmare.” But then, in a classic Onion twist, you start to wonder if something else is going on:
And how reliable are these electronic sentry systems, anyway? They can't possibly catch a perpetrator from all available angles. You can't mount a camera in every corner of the house, can you? No. That would be prohibitively expensive. So if someone were to, say, scream in a child's ear for 20 straight minutes for spilling grape Kool-Aid, they could easily find some remote closet or crawl space to do it in.
She also criticizes grainy surveillance footage for exaggerating the impact of spanking children with wooden spoons.
It’s interesting to have The Onion warn of the dangers of … too much privacy? It’s fine — just an angle you might not have expected in 2002:
I'm just a harmless old woman, and I sure don't stand much chance against some big, intrusive police state. But maybe my voice and message can inspire others. Maybe I can do my small part to bring about a world where privacy is considered a sacred right, and the act of secretly taping somebody defecating in the laundry chute of an unfair employer is punishable by law.
I’ve really enjoyed regular columnist Jean Teasdale over the past 3 years, and she’s back talking about her unemployment in “The Tycoon Of 1567 Blossom Meadows Drive.”
Jean’s secretly saved up about $400 from her Fashion Bug paychecks, but she isn’t a big believer in savings. Jean sure is an optimist!
I feel sorry for people who never enjoy their wealth. Sometimes, you hear these sad stories about some old person being found dead in their dingy apartment with thousands of dollars sealed in Mason jars. You wonder why they were so miserly when there's Social Security and Medicare and other things to ensure that no old person goes hungry or neglected.
Jean looks at her investment options, such as Betty Boop merchandise to resell on eBay, or investing in the companies that make these products. Ultimately, she decides to invest in what men like — and she gets caught by her terrible husband while researching the business potential of pornography.
Ultimately, Jean has to hand over her money to Rick to pay off car repairs, but she’s even more mad about the gender reversals (as usual, Jean’s entire worldview is shaped by pop culture):
Besides, doesn't he-man Rick know it's the woman's job to henpeck the husband about money? Talk about role-reversal! You'd think I was the irresponsible Fred Flintstone to Rick's pragmatic Wilma! While Rick was terrified of a little debt, I was trying to have vision about our financial future. If everyone was like Rick, there'd be no Wall Street. We'd still be trading beads and getting drunk on ye olde ale! Sheesh!
This is really goofy, even for Jean Teasdale, but I always appreciate how The Onion gives her a distinctive, unique voice.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week was Virgo for this ridiculous Barry White joke:
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You're not even the greatest lover in the food court, which is what you get for working at Barry White's Supperteria.
What holds up best?
This issue had a lot of interesting stories, but on a basic level, “Activity Made Up To Sell Athletic Shoes” is such a good description of how companies market to us. Not the funniest or deepest article, but it is relatively timeless.
What holds up worst?
“Logo In Corner Of TV Reminds Man He's Masturbating To Spice” was from an entire different era, even if it’s only 20 years old. This is a rare case where The Onion’s specificity — usually a hallmark of their wit — ages a joke even more.
What would be done differently today?
The Onion on Valentine’s Day 2022 did a mistress headline/photo: “Man’s Mistress Just Like Wife But Happy.”
Of course, there’d be even more politics and pop culture. The Onion had a lot to say about Kanye this past week, for instance.
Thank you
Grateful to have y’all here. This is always fun to write, even if it takes a few hours. See you next week, where The Onion talks about oil spills, scandal, Nelly and the 2002 sniper attacks.
The exact wording in late September 2002 was “this is the guy who tried to kill my dad.”
This is a great example of how the placement of the word “secretly” changes the meaning.
The Massachusetts governor was Jane Swift, an interim officeholder who did not run for a full term in 2002, leaving the door open for Mitt Romney.