20 years ago, America's king reclaimed his throne
The Onion in August 2002 also commented on sports fandom, middle-class tax hikes, NSFW pools and invading Iraq
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Aug. 28, 2002.
This week, The Onion tackles real-life issues like the buildup to the U.S. invasion of Iraq. There’s also the front-page headline “Water Pistol Fired Using Sideways Gangsta Grip,” which is juvenile but delighted me 20 years ago. I had a lot of Onion headlines as AIM away messages, and this was one of them.
As always, I’m grateful y’all are here. If you’re new, please sign up!
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 31, the 114th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2002, 2012 and today.
I was surprised to see the swimming pool’s phallic blueprint on the front page! Partly because of the content, partly because the front page usually didn’t have 4 large photos.
“The Onion DomestiCorner presents Home-Buying Tips” is a repeat from 2001 that I covered here.
The front-page headline “Cheney Takes One Bite Out Of Each Buffet Item, Throws It Over Shoulder” is no longer online. Admittedly, this is a funny visual to imagine.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
20 years ago, The Onion wrote a lot of funny jokes that didn’t really have a unified theme. But in 2022, some of these headlines feel — accidentally, of course — prescient about issues American society continues to struggle with.
Take our democratic system, for example. “Exiled American King Triumphantly Returns To Washington” imagines that King William IV, rightful ruler of America, has returned to power. This is not, as you might think, a descendant of King George III claiming the 1776 revolution was illegitimate.
No, William was king until 1973, exiled to Malta for 29 years. The modern American democracy, Congress, stock market, presidents and governors — none of it existed until recently. It’s unclear whether, in this reality, the Revolutionary War ever happened.
The Onion makes sure mention Sen. Strom Thurmond, since it had been a while:
The king then stormed into the Capitol building, the former site of the Royal Aviary, and announced his return, formally dissolving Congress by royal decree. He ordered all legislators to return to their homes, with the exception of Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC), whom the king locked in the royal dungeon for his role in the 1973 ouster.
Is this a reference to some crackpot claiming in 2002 to be the true king, like the American who says he’s Britain’s true ruler? I don’t believe so. This does remind me of Napoleon’s return to power, as William escapes Malta, sailes to America and wins over the military and populace.
Everyone is surprisingly OK with the monarchy! Pundits Eleanor Clift and Chris Mathews applaud the move, while this citizen is joyous about democracy’s fall:
"Huzzah!" said Diane Sowell of State College, PA. "At long last, we are rid of that corrupt, antiquated system of government known as democracy, a system that has done nothing but maintain the status quo of political inequality, economic stagnation, and social injustice. Our good king will change all that."
The Onion talking society and politics
“Search For Public Restroom An Epic Ordeal Of Alienation, Humiliation, Human Cruelty” tackles weighty topics like man’s inhumanity to man and access to public restrooms.
Of course, in the 20 years since, bathroom access has become more controversial, with “bathroom bills” and corporations like Starbucks trying to figure out their policies.
Our protagonist is 27-year-old Pete Webster of Ames, Iowa, who had a late-night burrito and almost immediately needed a restroom.
"I should've gone at Burrito Bob's," said Webster, who had spent the night barhopping with friends. "But I didn't have to go when I left. Besides, I figured I could always just dart into a gas station or some 24-hour restaurant and do the deed."
"What I failed to factor in," Webster continued, "is the unfathomable darkness of the human soul."
Rite-Aid turns him away. The Amoco gas station is too disgusting to use. The student union is closed. Webster makes other failed attempts before finally getting back to his apartment 2 hours later(!).
At least he learns a valuable lesson:
"Before last night, I never realized what second-class citizens people without ready access to toilets are," Webster said.
On the other hand, “Me Crush Middle-Class Tax Hike” is explicitly political — an essay by a Hulk-like character named Senator Gronk. (This name is confusing in 2022 because of football player Rob Gronkowski.)1
We quickly realize that this “column” is actually a campaign speech where Gronk vows to protect the middle class from a fictional tax hike. The joke is that he talks like Hulk does in the comics, movies and parody Twitter accounts.
This is the 3rd consecutive week of The Onion covering the 2002 midterm elections, which makes sense. Here, Senator Gronk faces a re-election challenge from (fictional) Rep. Charles Braithwaite.
Gronk touts his excellent attendance record and job creation while promising to raise the minimum wage, be tough on crime and fight the terrorists. That said, the Axis of Evil is not the only enemy he has in mind:
Braithwaite also soft on foreign policy. After Sept. 11, it more clear than ever America need to address threats from abroad. Threat of Al-Qaeda. Threat of Saddam Hussein. Threat of Grogg, evil brother of Gronk created in same lab mishap. Braithwaite no see this.
Other notable articles this week that are political or comment on our society’s peculiarities:
“Invading Iraq”: The Onion asks people what they think about President George W. Bush’s desire to invade. These jokes are simple but fine. Douglas Glass, a dentist, might have the most prophetic answer:
"Ousting Saddam would at long last pave the way for a corrupt, unstable, pseudo-democratic puppet government with friendly ties to Washington."
“Grandma Told 'Do Not Resuscitate' Means 'Low-Sodium Diet’” is a gruesome front-page headline, but it’s also very much in The Onion’s style. It’s worth noting that DNR wasn’t an obscure topic in 2002. A few states had public referenda on right-to-die laws, Dr. Jack Kevorkian had been recently convicted, and the Terri Schiavo case was in court.
“Heimlich Demands Maneuver Royalties”: You can’t go wrong with a joke about people suing each other. I was an adult before I realized the Heimlich maneuver was relatively new (1974!). The inventor died in 2016.
Area People doing Area Things
I did a fantasy football draft today before publishing this column, so “60 Percent Of Local Man's Workday Spent On Sports Fandom” is especially relevant. Our hero, Danny Wetzel of St. Louis, runs a fantasy baseball league and hosts a Super Bowl party.
He also spends an inordinate amount of time listening to, watching or reading about sports.
He seems to be OK at his job, but co-workers mostly acknowledge him for his sports knowledge. At home, however, Wetzel’s neglecting his family even more:
"You know, we'll have some quality family time, because it's important," Wetzel said. "I'll go out and toss a ball with [son] Cameron, or huddle with Julie on the couch."
"I mean, cuddle," Wetzel added. "Cuddle with Julie."
Wetzel also has a bobblehead of Albert Pujols, who’s still playing baseball in 2022!2
“Price Of Penis-Shaped Swimming Pool Negotiated” is a great story in 2 ways. It’s a good story about haggling, with the pool guy delivering all sorts of wisdom about building materials and construction. This is also a great send-up of rich people with unusually shaped pools.
Rocky Morgan is described as a (fictional) former Arista Records exec who saw a guitar-shaped pool and wanted his own custom design. Rocky is now a porn distributor, and he wants his pool to reflect that.
"If you know Rocky Morgan, you know what his number-one skill is," said Morgan, 52, alluding to his sexual prowess. "People are impressed with my mirror room and my velvet-covered bar, but I knew a pool like this would make my Tahoe vacation house something guests would never forget."
Look, The Onion has a little too much fun writing sexual innuendo. But it’s well-written! Mirage Pool contractor Lou Visconti delivers double entendres but also gives sage advice that shows he’s damn good at installing pools.
Ultimately, Visconti knocks $12,000 off the $89,000 price. Otherwise, “I would've lost a chance to satisfy a valued customer." Yup, that’s the tone here!
Other Area People stories:
“3-Year-Old Terrified By Sizzling Fajita Platter” is a very believable story! As is a Bennigan’s being in Bradenton, Fla.
“DVD Tries To Pass Off 'Language Options,' 'Scene Selection' As Special Features”: Easily the most 2002 headline of this issue. The movie, “Joe Somebody,” was a Tim Allen-Julie Bowen feature that apparently does have DVD extras.
“Finger-Quotes Lady Now Doing Hand Parentheses”: I can’t decide whether this story is mean (we all gesticulate!) or if this woman is truly gesturing too much. Using hand parentheses to spread gossip isn’t great.
“Girl In Park Acts Like It's No Big Deal She's Wearing Bikini”: I suspect The Onion would get dinged for this throwaway joke in 2022 because the framing is about the woman causing problems.
“Movie Works Out Exactly As Audience Hoped”: I recently was asked if I had seen “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” and I had not. Now, I know the ending and don’t need to!
Were the infographics good?
I didn’t remember that 2002 nearly had a baseball strike, which I imagine would have been horrible for the game.
These jokes feel boring to me, honestly. They’re not bad, but I don’t like that only the players are being made fun of, not the owners. The Onion really bought into Commissioner Bud Selig’s version of events. Maybe the players were being unreasonable, but it was the owners who unilaterally were trying to contract 2 teams (and 50 full-time player jobs).
Anyways, a deal was reached literally hours before the strike date.
“How Are We Achieving Spiritual Oneness With The Universe?” is a moderately funny collection of jokes. I do like No. 3, which I believe is a reference to “Crossing Over.” And No. 5, of course, is a classic atheist/lapsed believer joke — how funny or clever it is depends on your perspective.
What columnists ran?
Besides Senator Gronk, we have “When I Have Kids I'm Not Going To Drown Them,” which is a good joke about the shocking true-crime stories of parents (often mothers) killing their children — Andrea Yates3 in 2001 likely being the inspiration here.
The only downside is that it’s basically the same joke repeated over and over. This isn’t necessarily bad — I like a good repetitive joke sometimes. But if you read the 1st 4-5 paragraphs and stopped, you wouldn’t miss much.
Carrie Plunkett is so determined not to kill her future children that she’s thought through all of the scenarios:
Should I ever get so overwhelmed with the stresses of motherhood that I feel the urge to smash my children's skulls with a frying pan, I will simply drop them off at my sister's house and take a drive to the mountains to cool off. Or maybe I'd hire a babysitter and go to the movies—anything to get out of the house and avoid a multiple child murder.
What was the best horoscope?
This week’s horoscopes have crises of faith, hip replacements, an “eye for an eye” joke and much more. I think this is my favorite, mostly for the literal and figurative use of “trapped.”
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Though you are locked in a corn-chip packaging plant with no way to escape, you refuse to think of yourself as "trapped.”
What holds up best?
“Search For Public Restroom An Epic Ordeal Of Alienation, Humiliation, Human Cruelty” is easily the most relevant in 2022, and very little has changed. This isn’t the funniest story or the most fun, but it’s definitely held up.
What holds up worst?
“Water Pistol Fired Using Sideways Gangsta Grip” is such a silly white guy joke, and obviously I loved it as a 19-year-old who didn’t treat it as anything besides a one-liner.
I’d also go with “DVD Tries To Pass Off 'Language Options,' 'Scene Selection' As Special Features” just because DVDs are irrelevant now, even if they still exist.
What would be done differently today?
This issue has a mix of politics, sports, real-life people and Area Man stuff. In 2022, as always, there would be more celebrities and politics, plus slideshows and other formats not really used 20 years ago.
Thank you
Next week, The Onion gears up for the 1st anniversary of 9/11, checks in on Martha Stewart and examines the U.S. Army’s recruitment strategy.
Grateful to have y’all here. See you then!
I don’t know where Rob Gronkowski technically lives, but he could win a Senate seat, right? And is this a good thing?
Pujols is described as an outfielder. This was accurate — he mostly played outfield from 2001-03 but has played zero games in the outfield since.