The Onion: What if Vince McMahon ran C-SPAN?
Let's revisit simpler times when people hoped for sexy Twister, there was no "Ocean's 11" reboot and people still used encyclopedias.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit March 7, 2001.
2001 is when I graduated high school and started college. It’s never felt that long ago for me, but reading this issue reminds me how much has changed. Let’s have fun with it instead of thinking about being old!
As always, please like and share this email — it’s the best way to let people know about The Onion: 20 Years Later! And if you’re new here, sign up directly below.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 08, the 52nd Onion issue of the 2000s and the 51st issue of new content. Here’s what the website looked like in 2001 and 2011 (minus images) and today.
This week’s cover had 4 headlines that aren’t online in 2021. They are all funny and/or accurate:
“Black Shopper Repeatedly Asked If He Works There”
“Crew Filming SUV Commercial In Mountains Accidentally Wanders Into Other SUV Commercial”
“New Gum Making The Rounds At Work”: This sounds silly, but apparently COVID-19 has hurt gum sales.
“Mosquito's Life Cut Short”
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Vince McMahon is a survivor. He and the WWE have stayed in the spotlight for decades despite major cultural changes and a few big business failures, like losing the rights to the name “WWF” and, of course, the XFL debacle.
In hindsight, we might wonder why “Vince McMahon's X-SPAN Promises Bone-Crunching Legislative Coverage” was the top story on March 7, 2001. But we can’t forget how big WWF was then, not to mention the XFL’s launch only 1 month earlier. The XFL was a spectacle — reality TV before much of it existed. The Onion, in trying to be a national brand, needed to satirize national stories, and McMahon is both easy to mock and difficult to mock well.
Does The Onion live up to the challenge? Mostly. Making fun of arcane Washington politics was something The Onion excelled at in 2000 and 2001, so combining that with the XFL is a smart move.
This also goes further — X-SPAN is not just a rival TV network, it’s a rival form of government! And the article does a great job of providing endless detail of how X-SPAN is revolutionizing congressional rules while adding flair and personality to an old-fashioned institution. This is just one example:
X-SPAN will make its debut at noon in the Bicameraldome, a $460 million, state-of-the-art facility McMahon built to house his new cast of legislators. Opening debate will focus on the Insurance Deregulation Act, an “X-plosive” new bill that would give large insurance firms greater leeway in investing in foreign holdings. The bill’s sponsor, X-Representative Big Kahuna Joe (R-HI), vowed to reporters that he will “debate any opponent, any time, anywhere, regarding the merits of this bill.”
Does this feel like modern politics? I hesitate to ask.
The process of passing a bill isn’t about decorum and committees, like in “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington.” No, X-SPAN adds a third chamber to Congress, one that has spiked clubs, chainsaw jousting and banishment for the loser.
There are also no ethics rules, and dating pages is encouraged, which is troubling because real-life Rep. Mark Foley was already harassing pages.
Credit to The Onion for noting WWE’s real-life issues with racial and ethnic portrayals, too. It sounds all too real, if uncomfortable to read, that McMahon would pit a Native American senator against “The All-American Boy (R-KS), a strapping, blond ‘good’ X-Senator.”
The Onion’s genius is not in headlines or jokes — it’s in going beyond the initial joke and building layers upon layers. “Twister Party Fails To Get Dirty” is such an example, as it’s much more than a story about an immature young man’s dream of getting laid from Twister.
Yes, our protagonist, graduate student Bryan Astbury, dreams of a Twister orgy and is disappointed. But we also see how house parties can be awkward whenever “fun activities” are introduced. We are reminded that people injure themselves re-creating youthful athletic feats, forgetting they’re older and sedentary. And, of course, we see how some people think every situation is sexual while others can’t imagine such a thought.
Notably, Astbury isn’t throwing the Twister party — that’s fellow grad student Amanda Corcoran, who thought it would be a cute ice-breaker. Well, not much happens, and Twister fizzles out after about 20 minutes. The biggest event is Astbury injuring his ankle.
"I never realized how much less limber I am at 27 than I was at 20," Astbury said. "I thought the 'falling on each other' aspect of the game would give me a chance to graze Danielle [Simon]'s breasts or at least get a peek down her blouse, but instead I slipped and had to sit on the couch with an ice pack."
The Onion, like any good news organization, quotes an expert — the author of “Fun Time, Party Time” — who says Twister and other party games “are a great facilitator for people too boring to have fun on their own." It’s a major burn, spoken softly.
I also want to highlight “Sociologist Considers Own Behavior Indicative Of Larger Trends,” which reminds me of everyone on social media with a big mouth. Dr. Stephen Piers’ groundbreaking papers reveals how his life and marriage are going:
“Domestic Situationality: The Fortunate Male In American Society” (1974)
“U.S. Wives: Lying, Cheating Whores?” (2000)
“Interpersonal Connections Within The Marriage Paradigm: A Study In Causality” (2001)
“Gustatory Cognitive Dissonance In The American Male: 12 p.m. To 1 p.m.” (2001)
Apologies to any sociologists in the readership!
Reminders that 2001 was a different time
“Greenspan Considering Role In Ocean's Eleven Remake”: Some Onion writer loved jokes about Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, and so he pops up again, talking like he was actually in the Rat Pack. Greenspan also mentions that he’s performing at Caesar’s.
“Television Executive's Baby Cancelled In Development Stage”: This is an abortion story told in the language of Variety or The Hollywood Reporter discussing a TV show’s cancellation. Vicious but effective satire. As ABC executive Lew Schaffer says of his ex-assistant: “This was a hard decision, because I know this thing was really Liz's baby."
“Guidance Counselor Prefaces SAT Results By Talking About Test's Flaws”: To be fair, everyone seems to think the SAT is bad nowadays.
“Eminem Releases Single About Hugging Elton John At Grammys Then Ripping His Dick Off With Pliers”: Barely satire, except that Eminem genuinely seems to appreciate Elton John.
Were the infographics good?
“Improving NASCAR Safety” is a tough assignment — you want to make jokes without mocking the late Dale Earnhardt.
The Onion chooses, instead, to make redneck jokes that are vaguely about stock-car racing. It’s disappointing, although I enjoyed “Drivers wrapped in denser layers of corporate logos” and the joke about the Hot Wheels toy race tracks.
“Top Inspirational Hymns” is nothing more than a parody of hymn names, which is fine.
“This Cross Was Built Ram Tough” is my favorite, and good job on making the “Mary Mary” Run-DMC reference.
“Home-Buying Tips” is a list of relatively timeless advice (and silliness) about real estate. The Onion, feeling feisty this week, puts a positive spin on redlining:
If you are a black family, try to move into an all-white neighborhood. Your arrival will drive property values down, saving your white neighbors a substantial amount in property taxes and making them your friends overnight.
There’s also this, which I do not endorse but made me laugh:
When looking at a house your wife doesn’t like, don’t let the real-estate agent pressure you with “whipping” sounds.
What columnists ran?
The Onion in 2000 had so many regular columnists, writing so often, that I expected that to continue into 2001. Well, it hasn’t! I don’t know why — maybe this was The Onion saying, “We’re in NYC now, time to reduce small-town humor”? But that’s just speculation.
Either way, I still enjoy “We Have All The Time In The World To Find A Cure For Diabetes,” written by William C. Martz, director of the American Diabetes Foundation. I know laughing about preventable deaths is especially fraught right now. The neat trick of this column is having the leader of a movement downplay its importance.
Martz points out that several other diseases kill more, that diabetes is more manageable than many diseases, and goes right to the “they deserve it” argument:
“So is it really fair to force a team of top medical researchers to skip their summer vacations to help a bunch of people who are irresponsible about their own health?”
To be fair, Martz wants to eradicate diabetes, and he has a 339-year timeline for doing so.
I love this passage:
You may not have diabetes, but, chances are, you know someone who does. Or, at least, you know someone who knows someone who does. Not that you'd ever ask around to find that out. That would be weird.”
The other column is one you won’t find on today’s Issue 08 page: “I Think We Should Fuck Other People.”
This is basically a standard breakup story made ridiculous through one minor change in detail or wording. Doing this type of satire can’t be easy, but The Onion regularly makes it look effortless.
The last paragraph is really something:
“It was great fucking, and it was fucking great.”
Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference
So many choices! Let’s go with “Government Report On Illiteracy Copied Straight From Encyclopedia.” After all, who doesn’t have a 1982 encyclopedia lying about?
What was the best horoscope?
I really enjoyed this week’s horoscopes. Let’s give the honor to Scorpio.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Circumstances compel you to finally come out of your shell next week. Unfortunately, you are a hermit crab.
What holds up best?
One story I haven’t mentioned is “Area Man Unsure What To Do With All The Extra Ketchup Packets.”
I sometimes chastise The Onion for taking brilliant concepts or headlines and only writing a few sentences. But this article goes for length, and successfully.
Wendy’s regular Don Turnbee talks about his ketchup-packet problem like it’s some sort of supply chain foul-up. It’s presented as light-hearted, not a hoarding story, and Turnbee is treated as a victim of circumstance, not as a subject of mockery.
On second thought, maybe this is a hoarding story.
In addition to ketchup packets, the Turnbee pantry is crammed with hundreds of other restaurant condiments. Among them are single-serving packets of Taco Bell "Mild" sauce, Arby's Horsey sauce, soy sauce from the Wok 'N' Roll at Millcreek Mall, McDonald's Chicken McNuggets hot-mustard sauce, pats of Shedd's Spread Country Crock from Ponderosa Steakhouse, and a selection of Smuckers jellies and jams from several Erie-area diners.
What holds up worst?
Probably “Improving NASCAR Safety,” which as a generic topic would be fine to go after. But I think non-NASCAR fans didn’t understand the cultural relevance of Earnhardt’s death. It wasn’t quite Kobe Bryant dying, but it was similar.
And the jokes aren’t all that great, either.
What would be done differently today?
I really liked this week’s issue, if you can’t tell. The stories about the sociologist, home-buyingand diabetes could all exist today.
However, The Onion would not casually quote Alan Greenspan (or most real-life people) saying something like “fairy boy Brad Pitt.”
And, sadly, the headline and photo “Studio Audience Wants Show To Be Over” wouldn’t run because of the pandemic.
What real-life people were mentioned?
Eminem. Elton John. Britney Spears. Christina Aguilera. Alan Greenspan. Steven Soderbergh. Dean Martin. Peter Lawford. Brad Pitt. Dale Earnhardt. Miles Davis. Louis Rukeyser. Bill and Hillary Clinton. Rod Paige. Don DeLillo. Vince McMahon. Don Nickles.
Spears and Aguilera are rapped about in the fictional Eminem song about Elton John.
Soderbergh, Martin and Lawford are also mentioned in the “Ocean's Eleven” story.
Jazz legend Miles Davis is mentioned in the sociologist story, while journalist and economics pundit Louis Rukeyser is mentioned in “Layoffs And The R-Word.”
The Clintons and their furniture returns are briefly mentioned in the Twister story, while Education Secretary Paige is in “Government Report On Illiteracy Copied Straight From Encyclopedia.”
DeLillo allegedly wrote a novel about a “sexy lady hockey player,” according to the horoscopes, while AC/DC is mentioned in “Home-Buying Tips.”
Nickles, an Oklahoma senator, is the only real-life legislator mentioned in the X-SPAN story.
What was happening in the real world?
Here’s the real-life news from Feb. 26-March 4, 2001, omitting the few days of production before The Onion’s print date. News is from InfoPlease and the front pages of The New York Times (subscription required). Movie and music charts are linked:
President George W. Bush introduces budget proposal. National Guard plane crashes, killing 21. Supreme Court backs EPA’s Clean Air Act authority. Americans retiring later than they used to. Federal court ruling benefits cable companies. NYT runs special section on “E-Business.” “China Hones Old Tool: 'Re-educating' Unruly.” Pacific Northwest struck by earthquake. Census Bureau doesn’t want to revise count. Wireless location tracking becomes more common. UN seeks to save Buddhist statues from Taliban. Mexico wants lower remittance fees from U.S. NYT looks at Saddam Hussein’s continuing reign.
Top movie (weekend of March 2-4): “The Mexican”
Top TV show (Feb. 26-March 4): “Survivor”
Billboard top single (March 3): “Stutter," Joe Featuring Mystikal
Billboard top album (March 3): “Hotshot,” Shaggy