Welcome to The Onion’s Website: 20 Years Later, a weekly review of what The Onion published online that wasn’t in the print issue. This week, we’re looking at Aug. 9 to 15, 2006.
We’ve got a fun mix of jokes today, starting with a strong sports section. And, of course, the latest radio address from President George W. Bush, who has created clones of himself.
Thanks for being here! A lot of these jokes haven’t been available online for many years, and I’m happy to dig them up. Let me know if there’s an old joke you’re looking for.
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What web-only content was published?
The Onion created its website in May 1996 to share the print newspaper’s jokes. Beginning Aug. 31, 2005, they added online-only features.
I’ve linked to existing URLs and/or the Internet Archive, depending on what’s available.
I couldn’t find an Internet Archive snapshot of The Onion’s homepage from this time period, but the above screenshot contains multiple jokes we’re covering today.
Onion Sports
Ozzie Guillen was relatively famous in 2006 — he was known for his long playing career and was the outspoken, charismatic, controversial manager of the defending World Series champions.
It makes sense The Onion would satirize him! And yet, he’s basically disappeared from the national spotlight over the past 10+ years, especially compared to other people mocked in this roundup like Troy Aikman, John Madden, Fidel Castro and even Buck O’Neil.
The Onion loved joking about Ozzie Guillen
“Ozzie Guillen Fined $10,000 For What He Just Thought” is at least the 4th Onion joke in 2006 about the White Sox manager’s verbosity, following:
“Ozzie Guillen Ready To Defend Championship Verbally”
“Ozzie Guillen: ‘Umpires Are Too Sensitive About Their Weight And Probable Sexual Orientation’”
“White Sox 1-7 Since Ozzie Guillen's Demand That Team Play Like He Did”
Real-life MLB executive Bob Watson starts by apologizing for Guillen to almost every group and demographic imaginable:
“Major League Baseball would like to offer its most profound, heartfelt apologies to those portrayed inappropriately in Mr. Guillen’s mind, including African-Americans, Cuban-Americans, Caucasian-Americans, Dominican-Americans, ’immigrants,’ the sportswriting community, the gay community, the White Sox fan community, the communities of Schaumburg, IL and New York City, the umpiring crew, Yankee right-fielder Bobby Abreu and his female relatives, members of the Peace Corps, and women—particularly the female fan seated in Section 32, Row B, Seat 7,” Watson added.
The rest of the article delves into the offensive, NSFW things said by Guillen, either as direct quotes or paraphrased by The Onion’s reporter.
I don’t think a single incident inspired this article. Guillen had been getting in trouble for years for comments, particularly in June 2006, when he was suspended in June for comments about Jay Mariotti.1
Guillen did not reform: He ripped an umpire a couple of weeks after this Onion joke appeared and compiled many more incidents, including professing love for Fidel Castro in an interview in which Guillen also said he got drunk after every game for 25+ years.
Speaking of Fidel: He appears in “Castro Passes Pitching Duties To Brother While Undergoing Tommy John Surgery,” which is a smart twist on his real-life health problems.
Other sports jokes include:
“Hall Of Fame Inductee John Madden Introduced By Favorite Sandwich”: The joke is kind of lazy, but the Photoshopping is incredible.
“Troy Aikman Becomes First Robot Inducted Into Pro Football Hall Of Fame”: It’s funny how time changes perception. Aikman is regarded as arguably the top analyst in football after 20+ years calling games with Joe Buck. I do like this ending:
Aikman himself delivered a brief pre-recorded speech thanking all the technicians who made him possible before removing his head and upper torso, which will be displayed in the Hall of Fame alongside the busts of human players.
“Ailing Buck O’Neil Fails To Gain Admission To Hospital”: The Onion rightly mocks the Baseball Hall of Fame’s refusal to induct Buck O’Neil, a Negro Leagues player and longtime steward of the game. O’Neil died 2 months later.
“Outgoing Commissioner Tagliabue Expected To Pardon Dennis Miller Before Leaving Office”: Hopefully you don’t remember Miller’s ignomius 2 years as an analyst on “Monday Night Football.”
Infographic
“X-Games Highlights” reminds me that, oh yeah, the X-Games were a pretty big deal — and still are, considering they launched an X-Games League this year.
These jokes seem pretty good, but this is clearly a blind spot for me. I barely understand the events and only have heard of a handful of these people.
Look, I’m sure The Onion thought they’d be right in mocking this:
Showing uncommon dexterity, resilience, and endurance, SuperMoto rider Carey Hart somehow stays married to Pink
But they’re still together, even after People and Us Weekly erroneously reported a split in 2026.
Sports Fan On The Street
“Sports Fan On The Street” is pretty unremarkable, other than getting in an anti-Yankees joke. The Yankees won the division by 10 games.
This Week In Sports History
This joke plays on Babe Ruth’s famous (and disputed) “called shot” during the 1932 World Series.2
Sadly, none of the details are quite right: The Yankees didn’t play on Aug. 13, 1934, and a solar eclipse occurred 3 days earlier but couldn’t be seen from North America.
“This Week in Sports History” jokes are no longer online.
Sports Ticker
These jokes ran across the top of the Onion Sports homepage and are no longer online. Each is preceded by “LATEST:”
“Trey Wingo: ‘Trey Wingo Here To Tell You Mobile ESPN Now Available At Sprint Stores’”
“Overprotective Brewers Stunt Growth Of 1-0 Lead”
“Women's British Open Champion Not 16, Tall, And Asian”
“Tests Reveal Jeremy Shockey Has Had Concussion For Past Seven Years”
“Reporters Growing Concerned About Marlins After 33rd Consecutive Hour Of Closed-Door Meeting”
20 years later, and ESPN has gotten rid of Trey Wingo but is still trying to sell people on its mobile and web-based services, like ESPN+.
Jeremy Shockey was a New York Giants tight end whose potential and fame arguably outstripped his actual production. His July 2006 concussion was the talk of the town for a bit.
The British Open joke is, of course, about Michelle Wie.
Homepage Updates
In 2006, most of The Onion’s web-only jokes appeared on the homepage. Some were archived (American Voices, Onion Magazine), while others disappeared after a few days.
Here’s what appeared on the homepage from Aug. 9 to 15, 2006.
Onion Magazine
“Top Vacation Spots For People Like You” is a wonderful example of a headline that seems helpful but is actually mean.
The teaser is appropriate for the post-9/11 Bush era: “Inside: Everything Republicans Don’t Like: Is It Linked To Terrorism?”
Weekly Radio Address
For most of President George W. Bush’s 2nd term, The Onion parodied his weekly radio address — at one point, receiving a cease-and-desist letter for using the presidential seal.
“Using Science Against Terror”
Aug. 14, 2006 | 2006 Onion version | 2006 Weekly Radio Address version
Bush brags about the Brits spoiling the aforementioned terror plot, but all the wars and terror are overwhelming. So, Bush has created clone presidents to support him. Each of the clones interjects when Bush announces them.
Bush says this can keep a Bush in the White House for 100 years — reminiscent of The Onion’s futuristic 2056 issue where Dick Cheney’s clones have succeeded him.
I like Bush’s quote at the beginning:
“The world was reminded again of the terrible, terrifying terror. But this we caught ‘em! Or the England people did.”
Onion Radio News
Onion Radio News was the long-running feature hosted by fictional radioman Doyle Redland. Unfortunately, you can’t find these jokes on today’s website.
GoDaddy continued as the sponsor.
Here’s what ran from Aug. 9 to 15, 2006.
“Miss Universe Spends Awkward Elevator Ride With Miss Alternate Universe”
Aug. 9, 2006 | 2006 audio version
The Miss Alternate Universe has a jade horn for a nose, and her eyes are on her feet.
“Yoga Training Pays Off During Bending Emergency”
Aug. 10, 2006 | 2006 audio version
The yoga practitioner was able to reach a water shut-off in a flooding mine, although there’s no explanation given for why she was there.
“Arthritic Driver Finally Flips Off Pedestrian”
Aug. 11, 2006 | 2006 audio version
The driver’s name is Ned, which feels correct.
“Film-School Graduate Badmouths Film School”
Aug. 12, 2006 | 2006 audio version
The Onion really has it in for this guy. Redland notes how the graduate complains about his parents even though they “paid his tuition in full and still gave him an allowance.”
“Fake-A-Wish Foundation Introduces Dying Child To Brett Favre Lookalike”
Aug. 13, 2006 | 2006 audio version | Original 2002 article
Given Brett Favre’s proximity to fraud in recent years, this feels accidentally prescient.
The next Fake-A-Wish event will star “Milky Mouse.”
“Area Man’s Hurricane-Disaster Plan Begins, Ends With Jar Of Nickels”
Aug. 14, 2006 | 2006 audio version
Apparently, collecting nickels for 27 years gives you only about $80 worth.
“Times Square-Themed Store To Open In Disney World”
Aug. 15, 2006 | 2006 audio version
This is clever, but it relies on you remembering what Times Square was like in the 1970s and 1980s.
The Onion mentions longtime Disney CEO Bob Iger, who is buying the Los Langels Lakers in 2026.
American Voices
This is one of The Onion’s oldest features. The web-only items have 3 responses from fictional “people on the street.”
“Ohio Candidate Calls It Quits”
Aug. 9, 2006 | 2026 version
Rep. Bob Ney was yet another political casualty of the Jack Abramoff scandal, which The Onion joked about numerous times.
Ney pleaded guilty in federal court a month after this.
“Lieberman Defeated In Primary”
Aug. 10, 2006 | 2026 version
Much like Sen. Lisa Murkowski losing her primary a few years later, this ended up not mattering, as Lieberman won the November election.3
“I am happy to hear that Lieberman has decided to stay in the race as an independent. Sometimes voters are just being coy and don’t really mean what they say.”
Alex Wilson • Pension Planner
“New Terror Plot Stopped”
Aug. 11, 2006 | 2026 version
This terror plot is the reason we still can’t bring liquids in containers larger than 3 fluid ounces onto airplanes.
Also, this is an unusually cynical 9/11 take for The Onion:
“These men may have been misguided, but it’s not like there’s a right way to commemorate the anniversary of September 11th.”
Gene Reiss • Health Inspector
“Texas Penguin Truck Accident”
Aug. 14, 2006 | 2026 version
This is an excellent headline. Most of the animals survived, but 4 penguins did not.
I like this very timely (for 2006) joke:
“Has anyone optioned it yet? It’s the sequel to both Madagascar and Cars in one tragedy.”
Jan Shapiro • Studio Executive
“Pluto Not A Planet?”
Aug. 15, 2006 | 2026 version
Another American Voices item with long-term ramifications! Pluto is no longer a planet.
I had to look up Seyfert II, which is apparently a type of galaxy:
“That’s cool. I hear Seyfert II has an opening.”
Dan Praeger • Shampooer
National News Highlights
“National News Highlights” featured a map with 3 pins, each revealing a different joke when your cursor hovers over it. These jokes are not currently online.
“SACRAMENTO, CA—Breaking the previous world record by a full three minutes, it took only 27 seconds after setting up the Slip N¹ Slide for someone to be seriously injured.”
“TAMPA PALMS, FL—Avid sports-memorabilia collector Michael Bowen was arrested Tuesday after attempting to raise the value of his Wade Boggs rookie card by killing Wade Boggs.”
“NEW YORK—Neglected doorman Frank Reynolds displayed his frustration with non-tipping tenants by opening the door for them less enthusiastically.”
I like all these jokes. Boggs was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in July 2006, making this more timely.
The use of “Frank Reynolds” is curious. In June 2006, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” added Danny DeVito, who plays a character by that name.
Stock Watch
Bolivian-American Transit Inc. (BAT) is not a real company, obviously. The image appeared Aug. 9, 2006, on the website and in print.
If this feels like deja vu, it’s because I mistakenly included this last week!4
This was a weekly parody of a newspaper’s business section. Stock Watch charts are no longer online.
Final thoughts, and thank you!
As always, please like, comment and share. Let me know what I missed or what else you’d like to see.
See you next time!
Mariotti was also a blowhard, to be fair.j
The late Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stephens attended that game and maintained till the end of his life that Ruth indeed called his shot.
To be fair, it surely helped the career of Ned Lamont, who’s currently Connecticut’s governor.
I originally put this Stock Watch in last week’s newsletter before finding evidence via Internet Archive that it appeared online Aug. 9, not ~Aug. 2.