The Onion in 2056: A dystopian world of Flash animation

In 2005, The Onion imagined the world 51 years later. Get ready for endless sci-fi tropes and Flash animations.

Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit June 22, 2005.

This week, we time-travel to June 22, 2056, a dystopian world racked by war but also blessed by unimaginable technologies and the exploration of other worlds. Accordingly, The Onion’s website and newspaper have been transformed.

I loved revisiting the 2056 issue. I think it’s underrated, underappreciated and unfairly forgotten. In today’s newsletter, I hope to change those perceptions for you!

Think of this issue as a living archive — a step-by-step guide to the world of 2056 and the dozens of jokes you can’t find anywhere else on the internet.

(I apologize in advance for the length. Your inbox might cut off this email. If so, click on the title or “Read In App” to view the whole thing.)

If you’re new here, welcome! Please sign up below. We publish most Sundays. View the archives here.

This issue’s Flash problem

The Onion’s 2056 issue features unusual fonts and graphics, but the print newspaper looked relatively normal. After all, it still had advertisements and the A.V. Club section.

The website was a different story. The Onion relied on Adobe Flash Player and the SWF file format, neither of which functions today.¹

In this newsletter, I’ll provide screenshots and links to the 2005 and 2025 web versions whenever possible.

If you want to view this Onion issue as intended (mostly), here’s what I recommend:

1. Use a laptop or desktop computer. The site might load on mobile, but it’s less reliable.

2. Install a Flash emulator. I recommend Ruffle, which you can download via the Chrome Web Store or Firefox Add-ons.

3. Visit the Internet Archive’s record of the 2005 webpage.

4. You should see a full webpage load. It should look similar to the screenshot above. Many links won’t be clickable, even if they would have been 20 years ago.

5. Not getting the right result? Try opening the Ruffle browser extension and messing with the settings (I toggled everything on, FWIW). It’s also possible that ad blockers could interfere.

What issue is this?

This was Vol. 41, Issue 25, the 247th new Onion issue of the 2000s.

The front page of the print newspaper can be seen above, courtesy of former Onion Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers. Check out his Substack and his latest book.²

The print edition’s front page has jokes that weren’t on the website.

• Stories at the top-right corner have small labels, including “Download Complete” and “Full Story 8 Credits.”

• The front-page stories are grouped by sections: “The Arts,” “War News,” the prescient “A.I. Rights,” “Conservation,” “Latest Uploads” and “DVD-SL Insert.”

• The Onion gave its logo a futuristic look, along with text saying “Celebrating Our 300th Year: 1756–2056.”

What did the website look like?

The Internet Archive’s version of The Onion’s homepage from early June 22, 2005, displays a version of the 2056 issue.

If you went to The Onion’s homepage in the early 2000s, you’d usually see the latest print issue. And that was true in the early morning hours of June 22, 2005.

We’ll call that Version A of Volume 41, Issue 25, displayed in part above.

The Onion’s homepage redirect on June 22, 2005.

But within hours, you would have seen this redirect message. That redirect takes you to the futuristic 2056 version of the Volume 41, Issue 25, webpage, which is that giant screenshot I shared earlier.

This special June 22, 2005, webpage existed until at least April 2015, according to the Internet Archive. By 2016, The Onion displayed this rather funny error page.

By March 2018, The Onion restored a partial archive without the fun graphics and fonts, and that’s basically what you can view in 2025.

So, what’s in this 2056 issue? Is it funny?

My goal this week is to provide a section-by-section tour of the issue.

The main theme is The Onion depicting a dystopian future. Influences include:

• 20th-century sci-fi tropes

• A post-apocalyptic and/or post-civil war period

• Parodies of mid-2000s current events

• Texas living its most “Don’t Mess With Texas” life

• Islamic nations and China have become leading powers on Earth (and on other worlds)

Most articles on the 2005 website featured a disembodied computer voice announcing the headline. You can still hear some of those today.

Below, we’ll explore each section, each headline, and where you can find the 2005 and/or 2025 versions.

Masthead

The masthead features a futuristic-looking Onion logo that spins on the left-hand side. The tagline is: “Americorp.biz’s Finest News Source.” On the right-hand side, it’s The Onion’s 300th anniversary.³ As such, this is Volume 92, Issue 25, not Volume 41.

Below the masthead is a row of “category” buttons. The buttons might have worked in 2005, but they don’t today. From left to right:

Sealed Archives, Store, Extraterrestrial Lifestyles, Personals, Metaverse, Dome & Garden, Cereblogs, Contests, Just For Larvae, A.V. Club, Onion Premium.

“Metaverse” here is in the context of “Snow Crash” and “Second Life,” not the early 2020s’ metaverse flop and/or scam. “Personals,” “Contests,” “A.V. Club” and “Onion Premium” are regular links, I believe.

Above the masthead, you have the standard Onion dropdown menus. There’s also this one:

“Asciinglish” is the default and the only functional option. The other choices are, in order:

Español (U.S.); Terran Basic; Psychlo; Pierson's Puppeteer; FrançArabic; 10010101010010; Neo-Anglic; Revised-Standard Klingon; Hexadecimal Mandarin; Texan.

Pop-culture references include "Starcraft” (Terran Basic), “Battlefield Earth” (Psychlo), the “Known Space” books (“Pierson’s Puppeteer”) and “Star Trek” (Revised-Standard Klingon).

Top Story

“Democratic Middle Eastern Union Votes To Invade U.S.”

(2005 version | 2025 version)

President George W. Bush’s administration was quick to criticize the Axis of Evil and other countries. This top story inverts that dynamic, as a new “coalition of the willing” targets the U.S.:

“The United States of America has repeatedly violated international law and committed human-rights abuses at home and abroad,” MEU President Mohamed Rajib said at a Monday security-council meeting. “MEU weapons inspectors have confirmed that the U.S. continues to pursue their illegal ununhexium-weapons program.⁴ Our attempts to bring about change through diplomatic means have repeatedly failed. Now, we are forced to take military action.”

Other notes:

• “The MEU, formed in the wake of the 2042 Saudi Arabian revolution.” Saudi Arabia is now Muhammad Arabia.

• The U.S. occupies 31 countries and parts of Antarctica.

• Futuristic elements include “robotitarian aid” deliveries, meal pills and Quebec as an independent country.

Infocapsulations

The Onion published “News In Brief” articles every week, each a single paragraph in length. This week, we have multiple groupings of these blurbs, starting with “Infocapsulations”:

• “Million Robot March Attended By Exactly 1,000,000 Robots”
  (2005 version | 2025 version)
  This joke makes more sense when you remember that the Million Man March occurred only 9.5 years earlier.⁵ The main speaker is MechaLifter King II.

• “Lunar Olympic Officials Continue Search For Missing Pole Vaulter”
  (2005 version | 2025 version)
  The IOC is now the “Interplanetary Olympic Committee,” and the 2060 Games might shift to Jupiter because of its high gravity. Also, I love the phrase “Irish pole vaulter Mei-Ling Kryscynski.”

• “Economy Given Big Boost By Ramadan Shopping Season”
  (2005 version | 2025 version)
  This article is set in “Newer York,” which is among the many differences from our world.

• “117-Aerocar Pileup Clogs Troposphere For Hours”
  (2005 version | 2025 version)
  This “flying car” trope is set on Interspace 92, which is a clever reference to the never-built highway across northern New England and upstate New York. Also parodied: The Big Draft, an airborne version of Boston’s Big Dig.

Remaining-World News

The hyphen matters! This is a news roundup of a post-apocalyptic world.

• “Leather-Clad Nomads Seize Power In Australia”
  (2005 version | 2025 version)
  Someone loved “Mad Max”! The new warlord is “Humongous, the official ‘Ayatollah of Rock ’n’ Roll-ah,’” who is a stand-in for Lord Humungus of “Mad Max 2.” There’s also a direct reference to “midget genius The Master.”

• “Ozone Repletion Project Nearly Finished”
  (2005 version | 2025 version)
  The Onion imagines that fixing the ozone layer took 50+ years, thanks to “tripartisan bickering.”⁶ By 2056, Antarctica is a collective of states.

• “Repopulation Of Africa Begins”
  (2005 version | 2025 version)
  The 2042 Saharan Scourge wiped out the continent. Critics want the resources spent instead on terraforming “the Marianas Trench or Charon, Pluto’s only moon.”⁷

• “Remainder Of Ross Ice Shelf Now In Smithsonian Freezer”
  (2005 version | 2025 version)
  The Onion imagines the last remnants washing up in Philadelphia. In real life, parts of the Ross Ice Shelf have been breaking off.

• “Hemmed-In Seattle Mayor Calls For Emergency Deforestation”
  (2005 version | 2025 version)
  The mayor is Frances Bean Cobain-Osment — Kurt Cobain’s real-life daughter, apparently married to Haley Joel Osment in this timeline. The Onion blames the Bush-era Healthy Forests Initiative for this crisis.

Health & Science

These are also “News In Brief”-style articles.

• “Abraham Lincoln's DNA Now Available Over The Counter”
  (2005 version | 2025 version)
  The Onion is loosely satirizing the “designer baby”/cloning discourse of the early 2000s. In this timeline, Merck and Pfizer have merged with Maibatsu, an automaker from the “Grand Theft Auto” universe. Also, this quote feels like that tech guy who wants to live forever:

  • “Americans will no longer be shackled by the genetic heritage of their forefathers, a tyranny of flesh which condemns all men to be created equal.”

• “Surgery Required For New Sexual Position”
  (2005 version | 2025 version)
  So many jokes here. The dateline is “Isla Los Angeles,” with “plasmic” surgeons performing operations to unlock the “Neo Sutra” sex position “Feast Of Forty Fingers Supping Upon The Nine-Branched Lotus.” Also, 30% of people who successfully achieve this position die.

• “Report: 40 Percent of American High-School Students Mind-Reading At Sixth-Grade Level”
  (2005 version | 2025 version)
  This story is set in Chicago2. The Department of Telepathic Education conducts Rhine-Zener testing, named after the famous ESP researchers. There’s also wordplay related to HeadStart and Reading Is Fundamental.

Latest Headlines

This week, we have 7 full-length articles (including the top story), as opposed to the usual 4 articles.

Boise, ID GM plowborg Jed Kleebert.

“Government May Restrict Use Of Genetically Modified Farmers”

(2005 version | 2025 version)

This article blends mid-2000s thinking about sci-fi, genetically modified foods (GMOs)⁸ and sports doping scandals. Alongside supercharged crops, we have superhumans who can do the work of hundreds of ordinary farmers.

The Onion mentions food giants such as Monsanto-Idaho, Monsanto North and McCormick-Beatrice (featuring the long-defunct Beatrice Foods), as well as Second UN. Also, Roald McDonald is the secretary of hyperagriculture.

Does this remind you of the debates around ethical AI exploration?

“It would be unfair to deny the American agricultural industry the genetic-engineering advantages already enjoyed by Asian and European farmers,” McDonald said. “In addition, it would seem strangely restrictive to deny the farming industry GM technology already so widespread in fields like large-scale construction, computer programming, pornography, and professional sports.”

A car emerges from the crowded national parking lot.

“Overcrowding Reaches Crisis Level At Yellowstone National Parking Lot”

(2005 version | 2025 version)

America loves parking lots, and The Onion takes this to a dystopian extreme. This parking lot was built in 2043 to relieve pressure on Yellowstone West Airport, yet it remains a tourist attraction:

“Vehicle enthusiasts drive for days just to park here,” Reigert said. “The entire lot is warmed using geo-thermal energy, so there’s never any ice on the ramps. It truly is a man-made wonder to behold.”

Other notes about this park/parking lot:

• Water from Old Faithful flushes the urinals, although the supply is running low.

• The parking lot is “bigger than the nations of Rhode Island and Delaware combined.”

• The lot is a popular hub for families who want to teleport to “Kidz Vegas or the District of Disney World.”

L. Hopper, who has been nominated for Best CG Actor.

“Final Installment Of Frogger Trilogy Poised To Sweep Oscars”

(2005 version | 2025 version)

Maybe the most prescient article in this entire issue, anticipating the many toy/game-based Hollywood movies (from “Battleship” to “Barbie”), as well as ongoing debates over AI and CGI.

In 2025, the Oscars allowed the use of AI. By 2056, computer-generated actors have their own category!

Wes Anderson and Wong Kar Wai are still working in 2056, but they lost out on the “Frogger” trilogy to … good Christ, TARA REID?!?⁹

“Fans of this epic story were worried that it couldn’t be brought to the screen without destroying it,” said Oscar-nominated director Tara Reid, who helmed both Frogger and Frogger: Gator’s Revenge. “The last thing I wanted to do was alienate the game’s fan base. But, by and large, posts on video-game cereblogs have been extremely positive. When I saw those, I knew I’d achieved my goal of staying true to the programmers’ vision.”

A version of Siskel and Ebert loves this 50-minute film:

“Of course, Lily Pad opened the same way as the first two films, with the hero at the starting point, unscathed,” acclaimed robotic reviewer SiskelEbertron said. “But this time, the moment was fraught with tension, because the audience was aware that this was Frogger’s third and last life. I gave the movie all four thumbs up.”

Finally, The Onion notes how the movies made over Ÿ100 trillion in the U.S. — not dollars. More on that later.

A Halliburton RoboReclaimer surveys what remains of Omaha.

“Halliburton Wins Bid To Rebuild Midwest”

(2005 version | 2025 version)

What if you make Bush administration jokes, but updated them for 2056? And what if Vice President Dick Cheney was still around?

“Halliburton is proud to have been entrusted with the task of repairing the damage done during the Great Wars between the EOT and the Great Lakes Alliance,” said Halliburton CEO Richard Ch5ney, the fifth clone of the former U.S. president Dick Cheney and clone-once-removed of Texan Vice Overlord Rick Chen4y. “With the know-how and can-do spirit of Halliburton at their disposal, the radiation-blasted peoples of the Illinois No Man’s Zone can look forward to a bright new future.”

While Cheney remains, many things have changed:

• The official U.S. currency is the neo-yen, controlled by ChaseMitsubishi, although Halliburton plans to introduce a competitor.

• Halliburtonia is a new city in what was once Michigan.

• More than 120 million people have lacked hologram-based ”celebrity infotainment” since 2052, which reminds me of Apple TV’s “Murderbot.”

• Another conglomerate is Global Tetrahedron/Fox-Regency, referencing the long-time fictional company that is now a real company that owns The Onion.

The image is a Photoshopped version of tornado damage in Pierce City, Mo., from 2003.

A SOLOPEC collecting module.

“SOLOPEC Nations Warn Sun's Output May Fall Short Of Demand”

(2005 version | 2025 version)

This is an OPEC parody, except with solar power:

SOLOPEC, formed in the ’20s to regulate solar-energy prices, currently includes the sunlight-rich nations of Kuwait, Libya, Nigeria, Qatar, Muhammad Arabia, United Arab Emirates, Mexico, Venezuela, Iran, and Iraq.

…

While some accuse al-Saud of engineering the shortage to increase prices, as his SOLOPEC energy embargo achieved in the ’30s, al-Saud insists that production increases are not possible at any price.

Many of The Onion’s tech predictions still seem futuristic, like sentient robotic cities and skyscrapers that float like maglev trains. Yet they couldn’t imagine a monitor/TV screen bigger than 96 inches. You can buy 100-inch TVs right now!

“Could Jimi Hendrix Mk. IV's Disappointing Synth-Funk Output Spell The End Of The Vat-Grown Celebrity?”

(2005 version | 2025 version)

This article opens like a magazine feature:

HOLLYWOOD—Jimi Hendrix Mk. IV isn’t talking to the media anymore.

It’s the age-old problem: Music labels try to mold their stars into making nothing but chart-toppers. This time, the “molding” part is literal.

Jimi was created at great expense at Celebirth Genetic Engineering, where his genetic material was pulled from the same 1965-1990 archives responsible for both sets of Dean triplets, the all-Buddy Holly band, and the recent rash of Elvises.

But Jimi Hendrix Mk. IV has gone rogue, insisting on being creative instead of just a clone.

The Onion also takes a cheap shot at Sharon Stone Version 3.3, who prefers glassblowing in part because “I couldn’t act my way out of a paper bag.”

Opinion

This section contains opinion columns, the horoscopes, the “What Do You Think?” feature, 2 infographics and a TV schedule.

James Anchower

“My Hover-Car Is Shot”

(2005 version | 2025 version)

In 2056, Jim Anchower has become James Anchower, with a beard and some kind of object coming out of his head. Sadly, the 2025 version of this article uses Anchower’s normal headshot.

Not much has changed for Anchower. He still has car troubles, money problems and run-ins with the law:

In the meantime, I've got a little side job detailing vintage gas-engine cars out of the driveway of my apartment dome. I don't have a whole lot of customers, but it's all credits up front, so I don't need to report it to the IRS Compliance Force.

Anchower’s government-assigned wife left him years back, which he’s not sad about.¹⁰

“We Need A Fourth Law Of Robotics: Stop Fingering My Wife”

(2005 version | 2025 version)

Look, is this juvenile? Yes. But I still laughed at the headline.

David Strenhorn isn’t defending his wife’s honor. Rather, he’s mad at being cuckolded:

I want these automatons to get it into their intricate positronic brains that some parts of the human body are off limits, no matter how much human women plead. I, as well as thousands of other husbands around the world, would greatly appreciate it.

“A Female Dolphin President?”

(2005 version | 2025 version)

Another joke that’s extrapolated from current events, with dolphin Sen. E’eek Finback (D-Atlantic Ocean) standing in for then-Sen. Hillary Clinton.

My favorite response:

“Do you think E’eek would be doing so well if she were a squat-bodied Pacific white-side dolphin instead of a cute bottlenose? I seriously doubt it.”

Tammy Lester • DNA Archivist

One of the respondents is a “gay-divorce lawyer,” which is also very 2000s.

Cybernetic Implants

(2005 version | No 2025 version)

I couldn’t find this online today.

I had a George Foreman grill for a few years, like many people. The “George Foreman Forearm Grill” joke and illustration are funny but also disturbing.

I’m not surprised that “Breast implants” remain popular.

Horoscopes

(2005 version | 2025 version)

As usual, the 2025 version doesn’t include the headers, so it’s hard to understand. This 2056 edition relies on new astrological signs — which were designated in 2025!

It uses the New Revised Standard Zodiac agreed on at WorldCon 2025 and is accurate to within three-tenths of a recension for all Sol-neighborhood outer-planetary colonies, ringworlds, and slower-than-light generation ships.

The new signs are, unsurprisingly, influenced by sci-fi:

• Asimov/Clarke (Dec. 16—Jan. 2)

• LeGuin (Jan. 3—Mar. 14)

• Heinlein-2118 (Mar. 15—April 21)

• Roddenberry (April 22—May 19)

• Zork (May 20—June 24)

• Delany (June 25—July 31)

• Severian (August 1—Sept 6)

• Zelazny (Sept 7—Oct. 13)

• Kirbil (Oct. 14—Nov. 20)

• Bester (Nov. 21—Jan. 1)

Tonight on the Holovid

(2005 version | No 2025 version)

The Onion’s TV listings are one of my favorite features, but they long ago disappeared from the website. Thankfully, the 2005 version is on Internet Archive.

Note the 5-minute time slots. As with the 50-minute “Frogger” movie, The Onion assumes we’ll have zero attention span in 51 years.

The Onion loved including the BET Channel in its TV listings (here, Afro-Sino Entertainment), which always revealed how white and Midwest they were!

PBS Mobil is a nod to Mobil Oil’s sponsorships dating back to the 1970s. And SPICE JR is disturbing.

Tips for a Successful Marriage

(2005 version | 2025 version)

This is normal Onion content. Well, kind of:

Love is a partnership. Marriage, however, is an unbreakable contract under ZPG Law 7CZ23E, and is illegal to terminate.

The Onion was even more bullish on planetary travel than Elon Musk:

Some books may claim that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but scientists disproved this myth during the Venusian archeological digs of the early ’20s.

Headline-only items

In addition to all these articles, The Onion published 23 one-liners on news tickers that refreshed every few seconds. Below is a screenshot.

News tickers

My favorite of these jokes is “Tokyo Police Quell Dance Dance Revolution." My least favorite is the Britney Spears cheap shot.

Here are the headlines from each news ticker:

Public Distractions:

• "Fat Britney Chosen For New Holostamp"

• "New York's Museum Of Post-Apocalyptic Art Reopens"

• "Michael Moore Targets Ungrateful Children In 2056 Film"

• "Butt-Fuck Sluts Go Nuts Wins Daytime Emmy"

• “Yankees Lose In 50th Straight Pennant Race; Fans Blame ‘Curse of Jeter’”

“Butt-Fuck Sluts” was The Onion’s go-to porn film reference, although this might be the final usage.

The Yankees blew a 3-0 lead to the Boston Red Sox in October 2004, hence the Derek Jeter curse.

Popular Monocultures

• "Grave Robbers Pry Valuable Rifle From Charlton Heston's Cold, Dead Hands"

• "Menstruation Cured"

• “Feature: Four Quaint Bed-And-Breakfast Destinations In The Forbidden Zone”

• “Christian Scientist Prays For Restored Moon-Colony Air Supply”

• “Long-Lost Stanley Cup Unearthed in Mississippi Wheat Field”

Home Planet

• “Italy Bombed Back Into The Renaissance”

• "Tokyo Police Quell Dance Dance Revolution"

• “Report: Mars Still Needs Women”

• “Vatican Condemns ‘Radical’ Teachings Of The Newly Resurrected Christ”

• “Soviet Russia Wins Economist Magazine’s ‘Comeback Of The Year’ Award”

• "Refugees Row Cuba To Miami"

• “Questions Surrounding Safety Of Deteriorating Sri Lankan Space Elevator”

Breaking Newsloads

• “Congress Calls for Construction Of More Low-Earth-Orbit Housing”

• “47th Amendment Grants iPods Suffrage”

• “Kansas Outlaws Teaching Of The Unified Field Theory In Schools”

• "Time-Travel-Pilots'-Union Contract Dispute Instantly Resolved"

• “Texans Return U.S. Ambassador’s Head In A Box”

• “Puerto Rico: Should It Become Our 63rd State?”

The iPod joke is funny, although it’s fascinating that The Onion couldn’t imagine the iPod becoming a phone.

Sidebar jokes

The Onion always featured a sidebar with one-liners, sometimes with photos. This sidebar was on the left side in print, on the right side online.

None of these jokes are online today, either.

• “Semi-People Magazine Announces 50 Most Eligible Mutant Bachelors”

• “62 Dead In Latest School Lasering”: A spiritual predecessor to “‘No Way to Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens.”

• “Construction Begins On Fifth World Trade Center”: When you publish the most renowned 9/11 reaction, you’re allowed this joke.

Online-only boxes

The Onion’s 2056 website had a few boxes with messages that didn’t make it into the print edition. For example:

Alerts

Left: Your browser does not support ambient alpha-wave memestreams. Concentrate here to upgrade. Right: The Onion has discovered that your cybertecture does not support scalar sensorium immersion and has notified the cognitosphere.

Customize

Left: For a less accurate but more reassuring version of these events, press HERE. Right: Stare HERE for retinal scan to determine individual reading level.

The image on the left suggests a non-futuristic version of this webpage, but I don’t think that’s true. Internet Archive has no evidence I could find.

Finally, The Onion includes this charitable call to action: “Give To The Filtered, Pressurized Air Fund.”

Final thoughts, and thank you!

One of my goals with this newsletter is to share The Onion’s rich history with the world — especially the jokes that have been lost to history.

In that light, reviewing and recovering the 2056 issue is among the most important things I’ve done in the past 5.5 years. I had a blast revisiting this issue, and I hope you’ve found some laughs.

If you’ve somehow made it this far, thank you, and God bless. That’s perseverance.

We’ll be back next week with a normal issue, I promise!

1. Don’t worry, Slashdot readers had complaints from the moment this issue published.

2. I may get commissions for purchases made through book links in this post, including this one.

3. Acknowledging the long-running joke that The Onion was founded in 1756, which continues to be featured on The Onion’s “About” page.

4. Ununhexium is now Livermorium, a famously synthetic element discovered in 2000. Follow-up experiments were ongoing in 2005.

5. This joke is also potentially a Matrix reference.

6. Funnily enough, current projections also suggest a healing of the ozone layer by mid-century.

7. We now know that Pluto has 5 moons!

8. My favorite Onion story on GMOs is 2002’s “Genetically Modified Broccoli Shrieks Benefits At Shopper.”

9. I love mentioning “Paul Shore,” as if Pauly Shore shortened his name and suddenly became a good director.

10. Shades of 2004’s “Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry.”