The Onion went on summer vacation 20 years ago today
Revisit 2002's terrorism worries, CEO scandals and loveless marriages, plus Martha Stewart, Disney and Johnny Carson! Also: The tambourine's sensuality.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit June 19, 2002.
This was The Onion’s last issue of new stories until July 17, 2002! We’ll be taking a break until then, too.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 23, the 107th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s the 2002 website (minus images) and the website in 2012 and today.
The 2002 website said The Onion would be back on July 8, but the next print issue was actually July 17.
One of my favorite front-page headlines is in this issue: “Cockatiel Can't Take A Punch” So awful, but brilliantly written.
The front-page headline “Johnny Carson Comes Out Of Retirement To Show How A Necktie Is Knotted” is a very old joke, but I still laughed out loud.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
June 19, 2002, was the 3rd consecutive issue that The Onion went after the FBI. Some of this is because the FBI was heavily criticized after 9/11. But it’s more than that, I think.
There was a widespread belief in 2002 that the U.S. was due for another large-scale terrorist attack. 9/11 was less than a year earlier. There had been anthrax attacks and the shoe-bomber, plus countless rumors and investigations.
“Is The FBI Doing Enough To Prevent The July 19 Attacks?” is unusual, however, because it’s a front-page headline and illustration that teases at a big story — but there’s no story! And for at least 10 years, The Onion’s website has had the headline but not the image. You can see it above as it appeared in print.
If there was an article, I don’t remember it, and I can’t locate it.
Besides making up a fictional July 2002 attack, The Onion asks people on the street about a real-life plot that was busted in May 2002: “The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat.” Jose Padilla was eventually convicted after a byzantine legal case.
This response is the most skeptical (also note the occupation “file clerk,” which feels very old-timey):
"That's so awesome that the government stopped a would-be terrorist. And right when they're reeling from criticism about that stuff. It's like fate! A magical cosmic symmetry!"
Dave Downing • File Clerk
Our top story is really “Martha Stewart Stalker Can Barely Keep Up,” a relatively rare satire of Martha before she was mocked for being sent to prison and then restored as an icon.1
Yes, it’s somewhat off-putting to see The Onion write about the glories of stalking. But it’s, in a backhanded way, a compliment to the endless energies, activity and ambition of Martha Stewart back when she was working with Kmart instead of Snoop Dogg.
As stalker Richard Kowalcyk says:
"I used to stalk this girl who lived a few blocks down from me," Kowalcyk said. "But I got bored after one too many nights watching her watch Becker or do her laundry. After reading an article about Martha, I knew she was the one for me."
"Those first few months following her were incredible," Kowalcyk continued. "One minute, we'd be shopping for an antique Chippendale high boy, and the next, we were at a meeting to discuss her new radio show. After a while, though, the fatigue really starts to set in."
Stewart works 7 days a week and seems to be in constant motion, including trips “back to the office to scream at a distributor for sending the wrong shade of orange napkins for her Halloween special.”
Kowalcyk has multiple scars from his adventures and is exhausted, but he perseveres. He’s especially proud that he’s outlasted other stalkers (who often “switch to stalking Katie Couric or Kelly Ripa”) and all Stewart’s personal assistants.
“Youth Pastor Forced To Break Out 'Hell Is Not Disneyland' Speech” is a story about Disney clashing with moral/religious beliefs, although not at like 2022’s drama. Instead, Disney here is depicted almost like Heaven — a Heaven that bad children will never experience when they go to Hell.
John Dearden’s been leading the youth program at United Methodist Church in Evansville, Ind., for 15 years, and so maybe he’s burned out. The children really don’t listen to him and are misbehaving, especially when he leaves the classroom to change the ink in the ditto machine (a thing I barely remembered and had to look up).
Dearden is fed up, because he goes right to the dangers of Hell. But he mostly talks about all the fun things Disney has:
"Who do you think will be in Hell with you?" Dearden continued. "Not Dopey and Sleepy. Not Peter Pan. You will be surrounded by the cowardly, the faithless, the polluted, the murderers, the fornicators, the idolators, and the liars."
Dearden really knows his Disney properties. I’m not sure he’s the ideal spokesman, but so much free advertising for the joys of Disney in this one!
I went to a Catholic grade school, but I experienced a couple of teachers/instructors who lost their shit over the years. I wouldn’t be surprised if this Onion story is somewhat based in fact.
Real-life people in the news
“CEO Resignations” is based on the real-life scandal of Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski, a brazen corporate criminal who’s been largely forgotten — overshadowed by Enron and WorldCom accounting scandals and then by the 2007-08 financial crisis and Bernie Madoff.
There was so much white-collar crime that 2002 was called “Year of the Scandal” by CNN Money.
The Onion wisely chooses to be silly in this infographic. I’m glad that “elf abuse” by Keebler Foods’ Sam Reed2 is not explained. I also like the fake-vomit price-fixing scandal.
The Onion does very little politics in this issue, meanwhile. The only mention is “Gore Begins Training For 2004 Election In Remote Mountain Cabin.” This is The Onion parodying political reporting on possible presidential candidates, rather than the Al Gore character that The Onion developed over the years.
Area People doing Area Things
“Lackluster Marriage Enlivened By Cancer Scare” is probably an all-too-true story, and while it’s a depressing topic, this is the sort of satire The Onion does very well.
My only criticism is that The Onion reveals the twist too early. The story starts by mentioning Maureen McKay’s diagnosis and how husband George says “our priorities instantly changed” in the relationship. But the 3rd paragraph is the spoiler:
"Last week, we found out the doctor made a misdiagnosis," George continued. "Now, thank God, everything's back to the way it was before."
Turns out it’s just a non-fatal gastrointestinal fungus disease.
"We started to say 'I love you' again, for no reason," Maureen said. "I guess George was afraid it might be the last time he'd get to say it. Thank God, it wasn't. Not that he's said it since we found out the diagnosis was wrong."
This is a dark, dark story that’s told like a regular day in a marriage. The 3 weeks of worrying about Maureen’s fatal cancer even prompted vacation plans, which have now been canceled.
"Boy, am I glad that's all over," George said. "Now we can get back to being a normal married couple again."
Other Area People stories include:
“Name Of Gay Bar Should Have Been Clearer”: Just last week, I mentioned that The Onion today would probably cover Pride Month more. I guess this was the 2002 coverage! The bar in question is Rods, by the way.
“Area Man Thinking About Getting One Of Those All-Body Scans”: I wish this was a longer story. The CBS show “48 Hours” is mentioned, and I’m almost 100% certain this is based on a January 2002 story about CT scans.
“Sympathy Card Signed By Assistant”: More cynicism from The Onion that feels too accurate.
“U.S. Middlemen Demand Protection From Being Cut Out”: For many years, I edited a newsletter for distributors (sometimes derisively called “middlemen). This is about the fictional Association of American Middlemen. The mortal threats include “online purchasing, factory-direct catalogs, and outlet malls.”
“Lottery Loser Angry At Lottery Winner”: This is an easy joke but still fun. Interestingly, the Pennsylvania Lottery added Powerball about 1 week after this story published.
“Frugal Star Wars Fan Camping Out In Front Of 99-Cent Theater” is just a headline and photo. It’s fine, but The Onion had better “Star Wars” jokes in 2002.
“Golf Tips” is one of those lengthy listicles The Onion ran in the early 2000s. Like most Onion listicles, there are a few dull or bad jokes, but the sheer quantity makes it a decent read. My favorite is:
“If you are a cartoonist, make sure to remember any riotous comments or actions that occur while golfing.”
Were the infographics good?
“Top Hiccup Cures” is a decent collection of jokes. “Complain about hiccups” is probably my favorite, although the more violent methods at least would distract you!
This is the small infographic that used to appear on the front page of the print edition. Nowadays, The Onion calls these “Time Killers.”
What columnists ran?
Both columnists this week deal with the arts. “You Must Romance The Music Out Of The Tambourine” is written by Pierre Henry, who has just come across someone doing a horrible job on the tambourine.
There are comparisons of the tambourine to a beautiful woman. There are also warnings: Do not handle a tambourine like a baby, and don’t attack it if you have ham hands and sausage fingers. Do not use the tambourine solely to attract women, either!
Make no mistake, this is a courtship. A grand design of love. You must carefully woo the tambourine to make her do your bidding—and not through deceit or treachery. To a tambourine, what matters most is honesty.
…
Do you want to be a little boy playing with a toy? Or do you want to be a man with a muse? If you wish the latter, then you must surrender yourself to the tambourine completely.
Henry recommends the oboe as “an instrument for the true vulgarian.”
This is a ridiculous column, but it’s fun because The Onion commits to the bit.
Our other columnist is old friend Jim Anchower, back with “What The Hell Is Wrong With Movies These Days?” We already know Anchower prefers his music to be classic rock and largely from the 1970s, so I expected to hear that Anchower hated early 2000s movies, especially the blockbusters.
First, however, Anchower complains about his car overheating, calling it a big baby in the “Quit your crying, ya fuckin' baby!” sort of way. He complains about music again, singling out rap and Lilith Fair-style artists. To be fair, Anchower seems alienated from his co-workers and is complaining more about them than music.
Finally, he starts talking about movies. And to my surprise, he loves the blockbusters! “The Fast and the Furious,” “Pearl Harbor,” “The Mummy Returns” and “Planet of the Apes.” But those all came out in 2001. 2002’s movies? Not good, he says:
Then there's this year. What the hell is going on? About A Boy? Windtalkers? Unfaithful? Spirit: Stallion Of The Cimarron? Someone in Hollywood ain't paying attention to what America wants.
Anchower, bless him, thought “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” would focus on Ashley Judd being topless. He’s also unhappy with “Scooby-Doo” and “Star Wars,” so he’s mad at a lot of genres in 2002.
Does Anchower like any 2002 movies? Only “Spider-Man,” which is a good choice. Anchower also talks about the preview trailers he saw. This is one of the most ridiculous lines I’ve ever read, even in The Onion:
There were a few other previews that also looked okay. There's XXX, the porno with the guy from Fast And The Furious.
What was the best horoscope?
The horoscopes this week have a lot of implied violence in them — ransoms, torture, powerful families fighting each other. There’s also this non sequitur:
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The wheels of fate have begun the inexorable turning that will one day lead to your bitter divorce from Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Plaxico Burress.
Burress has had famous legal battles, but he’s been married since 2005.
What holds up best?
“Lottery Loser Angry At Lottery Winner” is not the best Onion story or joke in this issue, but it’s damn near timeless.
What holds up worst?
In the “Golf Tips” listicle, I know this is meant to make fun of racist attitudes, but it feels too instructional to me?
If you encounter a dark-skinned person while golfing, do not panic. Maintain an air of respect, hand over all your valuables, and walk quickly to the clubhouse.
Perhaps I’m overthinking it. Still, compare that racial commentary to, say, what “Chappelle’s Show” would be doing just 7 months later. It’s not on the same level.
What would be done differently today?
More politics, for better or worse! More pop culture, more COVID and monkeypox and things like that.
Also, I barely remember the “dirty bomb” plot but it’s hard to imagine today’s Onion waiting a month to comment on something like that.
Thank you
See you in a bit! The Onion redesigned its website in summer 2002, so say goodbye to that amazingly dated Onion website that didn’t have permanent links to stories and only updated once each week. We’ll see how that affects our coverage.