The Onion started 2002 with the iMac, Enron and gospel choirs
Welcome to a new year of Onion recaps! Remember "Becker"? The space shuttle? "Lord of the Rings"? All that and more from exactly 20 years ago
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Jan. 16, 2002.
The Onion returns after about 1 month of holiday vacation. This first issue of 2022 is heavy on local, “Area Man” stories. We also get the first mention of Enron’s December 2001 bankruptcy.
Thanks to all of you who’ve signed up recently, many because of the Substack profile. I hope you find some laughs and maybe a few items to share with friends. These are long emails, but they’re designed to give you everything that published — you pick what you like best.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 01, the 87th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 86th issue of new content. Here is the website as it looked in 2002, 2012 and today.
Today’s Onion site is basically broken because it doesn’t display most old photos or infographics. Each week, I’ll try to recover and repost as many as possible.
Today’s Issue 01 webpage is missing many stories, while “WHO Pushes For More 'Ouchless' Adhesive Funding” has had the wrong text for at least 10 years(!) — the 2012 website also has the text from the Bush-Enron story instead.
Finally, these front-page headlines are no longer online. Both evoke unpleasant images!
“John Ashcroft Blood Donation Eats Through Bag”
“Backrub Turns Ugly”
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Area Man Not Exactly Sure When To Take Down American Flags” pokes fun at a group of people who, perhaps, never were overt flag-wavers before 9/11 and months later wanted to know, “Are we done yet?”
The Onion does a good job here poking fun at self-serious people overthinking things, in particular the type who put up flags after 9/11 because of peer pressure, not longstanding principles. The story also works, in my mind, because it’s not picking sides — simply pointing out the inherent humor.
We learn about how Jerry Wenger got his 6 flags, including one from the Utica, N.Y., newspaper. Wenger desperately wants a signal that it’s OK to remove the flags, but he also knows that this war won’t have a conventional surrender.
Frankly, I wonder whether Wenger left his flags up until 2021’s pullout from Afghanistan:
"It seems like the war in Afghanistan is winding down," said Wenger from his cubicle at Armstrong & Grunau Consulting Monday. "Then again, we still haven't caught bin Laden. Am I supposed to keep [the flags] up until we get him? But what if we never do?"
"Do I have to wait until all the troops are home?" Wenger continued. "Because that could take years. I'm not trying to be a jerk—I'm just not sure when to consider this whole thing over."
Wenger notes the neighbors all have their flags up, complaining that everyone is “playing this giant game of flag chicken."
Ultimately, Wenger leaves the flags up.
Politics and real-world news
It’s easy to forget that ultra-thin computer monitors were relatively new in 2001-2002. I know, because my college roommate that year had a thin monitor for his PC, and I did not.
You might remember the colorful but clunky original iMacs. These were the next edition. Notice how much changed in 20 years — desktop computers are ever-smaller and less important, and Apple was still considered a computer company!
The iPod was released less than 3 months earlier; the iPhone was 5+ years away.
The Onion is as good as anyone at making timeless jokes, but old jokes about technology rarely age well. Therefore, we have groaners like “Screen is flat, which is good for some reason” and “Special drool tray catches saliva of enthralled technogeeks.”
Other real-life stories from this week’s issue include:
“Bush Attempts To Distance Self From Yet Another Failed Business” is, surprisingly, The Onion’s first joke about Enron, which declared bankruptcy several weeks earlier. This is a formulaic joke, name-checking Bush’s past ventures in oil and the Texas Rangers baseball team.
“Ted Danson Tries To Steer Interview Back Toward Becker” reminds me that even the great Ted Danson struggled after “Cheers.” “Becker” was him as a grumpy doctor, more or less. This story describes a fictional interview with real-life CBS affiliate WBBM-TV in Chicago.
The front-page headline and photo “Space Shuttle Endeavour: What's In It For Me?” is sort of a non sequitur, although the shuttle did have a flight in December 2001.
“WHO Pushes For More 'Ouchless' Adhesive Funding” is about a real organization, but Kamal Amen-Ra was never the “director” (really, director-general) of the World Health Organization.
Finally, The Onion asked citizens about “China's Nuclear Buildup.” These jokes are fine if not hilarious in 2022. There is a Sting reference that I had to look up that turns out to be from a 1985 song called “Russians.” Sting sings, “I hope the Russians love their children, too.”
"If only Sting had possessed the foresight to hope that the Chinese love their two government-allotted children, too."
Milt Odom • Lawyer
Does that feel incredibly dated? Yes, but I guess it’s like citing some 2005 song like "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5 in 2022.
Area People doing Area Things
The Onion starts 2002 with a rush of “local” stories, which are my favorite kind of Onion stories. It’s the “Area Man” style of writing that I’ve long loved— and usually is funnier years later.
“Black Gospel Choir Makes Man Wish He Believed In All That God Bullshit” feels like a very Midwest white guy kind of story, which makes sense because The Onion was based in Madison, Wis., until early 2001.
Doug Kamin is pursuing a doctorate in political science at Ohio State and spends most of this story wrestling with himself. He loves the music, loves the energy and community, but he can’t get past his ingrained dismissal of faith.
"I found myself humming 'Mary Don't You Weep' and 'Move On Up A Little Higher' and all these other songs," Kamin said. "It made me think how amazing it is that a historically oppressed people can continue to persevere and derive strength from its music and its faith. I was very moved."
Added Kamin: "From a purely sociological and historical viewpoint, that is. Not spiritually."
Like the flag story, The Onion isn’t mocking, but it does poke fun at a self-serious person’s dilemma. And here, the reporter asks the local pastor about Kamin.
“People of all colors and creeds are welcome in the house of the Lord, even non-believers like Doug," Stovall said. "Perhaps our abiding faith in Jesus and love for our fellow man will, at the very least, inspire him to quit living in his head all the time."
Longtime readers know that The Onion loved to write stories about advocacy groups flocking to Washington, D.C., to promote their cause. The twist is that the group was something like raccoons or porn stars.
This week’s version is “Peppy U.S. Teens Vow To Make This The Best Year Ever.” I’ve never been very peppy, so I immediately disliked these kids. They’re doing the typical go-getter sort of stuff — clapping and cartwheeling while shouting about all their scheduled activities, including cleaning up the parks at Vice President Dick Cheney’s behest.
2002 is especially important as a bounce-back year:
"2001 was a real downer year for the U.S.," Chandler said. "Especially with the terrorist attacks and the men's swim team losing at the world championships1. So we're going to work extra hard to make sure this is the best year ever."
I’m no diplomat, but I don’t think this is going to go well:
"Next week, we've got an ambassador going all the way to Cairo to meet with a delegation of Arab-world leaders," Richards said. "Let's show how much we're behind him and make sure that he comes back... walking like an Egyptian!"
The lights dimmed, and Chandler and Richards stepped into formation with the other teens to perform a choreographed dance to The Bangles' 1986 hit "Walk Like An Egyptian."
These stories feel easy to write for comedy writers, and maybe the hard part is making sure you make good jokes, not just the easiest ones.
We also have “Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils,” which is yet another reminder that “The Mummy” was a really big deal 20+ years ago and that The Onion loved referencing it. (The photo above also reminds us that Photoshop wasn’t as advanced in 2002.)
This article imagines that “The Mummy” was … a real-life adaptation? Poor Edward Whitson has run into trouble on every archaeological dig, largely because he’s constantly reading inscriptions and removing ancient artifacts:
He has also been chased by the snake-bodied ophidian women of Al'lat in Israel, hunted down by Mayan coyote specters manifested out of lost time and shadow in the Yucatan, and hounded by the Arctic-sky-filling Walrus Bone Woman of the early Inuits.
Poor Whitson’s tired of running for his life, and he’s not even getting much science out of it. All I can say is, wow, “The Mummy” really hit home for some people.
Other Area People stories in this week’s issue include:
'“Opening Band Upstaged By Pre-Show Music” makes me laugh because The Onion clearly had a music nerd on staff. Hüsker Dü isn’t unknown, but it’s not exactly the first band most people think of.
“The Thinkable Happens To Local Man” is a good one-paragraph joke. This quote sums it up: “An unshaken Conroy told reporters after the incident: ‘Who wouldn't have thought that this, or something very much like it, could happen?’"
“Manufacturer Manufactures Love To Wife” is properly set in Wilmington, Del., home to much of the chemical manufacturing industry. Simple, yet effective.
I’ve always liked the front-page headline/photo “Speed Stick Now Available In Neapolitan.” It’s also a simple joke but makes me laugh, maybe because my family bought Neapolitan ice cream a lot growing up.
Were the infographics good?
Besides the iMac, we also have this incredibly explicit infographic called “What Pornography Are We Avoiding?” I don’t even know what to say — you can’t accuse The Onion of playing it safe.
All that said, the “Goats With Boats” image is so ridiculous that it never fails to make me laugh. The goat looks surprised, which is unfortunate.
The Onion also offered “Dating Tips,” a format that was more a bulletpoint list than an infographic.
Most of these features have 10+ jokes, which helps overcome the 3-4 that inevitably are bad. I want to note a couple of these:
“Remember: There's only one way to console a widow” reminds me of the Will Ferrell character from “Wedding Crashers.”
“If you are overweight and socially awkward, consider ‘online dating.’ You can go on a dragonslaying adventure instead of to a movie, play games on Pogo.com instead of dancing, and masturbate instead of having real sex.” Online dating is everywhere now, so this has aged poorly (and is rather cruel). That said, Pogo.com still exists!
“Why don't you ask that Julie girl out? She's a lovely girl. You're practically 35, for God's sake. Fine, rip your mother's heart out” is a well-worn but timeless joke.
What columnists ran?
If you’re new to my Onion recaps, The Onion had “regular” columnists for many years, and probably my favorite to recap is Hollywood columnist Jackie Harvey. He exudes enthusiasm despite getting all the details wrong, and he’s a great time capsule of pop culture gossip.
This week’s column, “The Lord Of The Rings Is Hobbit-Forming!” has the usual mistakes, even for the movies he loves, like the recently released “Episode One: The Ring's Fellows” starring “Ian MacGregor as the wizard Gandahar!”2
If you’ve forgotten what was big in pop culture in Winter 2002, Jackie Harvey is here for you.
He talks about ecstasy, “Tom and Penelope Cruze,” the new band “Lincoln Park,” as well as the release of “The Godfather” DVD box set. I actually remember that box set because my college roommates regularly watched in during the 2002-03 school year.
Also, remember Tom Green? Why would you? Well, prepare to feel a little queasy:
Item! I'm sad to report that super-dish Drew Barrymore and gross-out king Freddy "The Finger" Green are getting the big D. That's right, D-I-V-O-R-C-E! Everyone thought theirs was a love written across the sky in permanent ink, but in the end, that ink proved to be the erasable kind.
I could talk about Jackie Harvey all day. I do want to mention a truly brilliant bit within this column. George Harrison had recently died, and Harvey remembers him not as a Beatle, but as a member of supergroup The Traveling Wilburys.
Our other column this week is The Onion playing with a well-known, if ridiculous, stereotype: “I'm Certain That Sex With A Redhead Will Be More Fulfilling Than Other Sex.”
Our columnist feels unfulfilled by one-night stands and decides that the problem is not casual sex, but a lack of redheads. He also assumes hair color is the dominant personality trait:
Redheads, on the other hand, are naturally intuitive. They know what you're thinking and know how to respond in kind. Like a cat, a redhead would know all that I craved, and she would surprise me with things I didn't even know I wanted.
“Like a cat.”
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is this Village People joke from Taurus:
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will discover that, indeed, it is fun to stay at the YMCA, but that's hardly the whole story.
What holds up best?
This choice depends on what you like best: Is your favorite kind of Onion story something that feels even more accurate, even prophetic, 20 years later? Then “Area Man Not Exactly Sure When To Take Down American Flags” might be your pick.
If it’s simply a joke that still works 20 years later, then we have a lot of choices. I’m fond of “Manufacturer Manufactures Love To Wife” — it’s a well-constructed joke that does exactly what it says it will.
What holds up worst?
Some of the iMac jokes feel like a thousand years ago, although it certainly doesn’t help that the Apple of 2002 is unrecognizable today.
What would be done differently today?
Notice how we had little or nothing about Enron, President George W. Bush, Congress or the War on Terror? All of those pressing issues would get more attention today.
There’s also the weird thing of The Onion not publishing for 28 days. Even if The Onion’s website was hacked by ransomware and held hostage for 28 days today, you’d think they’d tweet some jokes or something.
The Onion of 2002 was still a newspaper that happened to upload stories to the Web.
Thank you
So glad y’all are here to explore the old Onion with me.
In the next few weeks, we’ll get more coverage of Enron and the War on Terror, along with lots of other old-time references like Howie Long’s “Radio Shack” commercials, Michael Landon, “ER”-era George Clooney and God’s antitrust court battle.
See you next week!
I only know of Hüsker Dü as they got coverage in the book This Band Could Be Your Life.