20 years ago, The Onion refused to accept your apology
20 years ago, The Onion refused to accept your apology
Let's revisit Saddam Hussein, Iran's elections, gay marriage in Massachusetts, the FCC investigating Janet Jackson, and Jean Teasdale's Valentine's Day message.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Feb. 11, 2004.
Last week, I mentioned how I wrote the newsletter on a plane. I was flying to Arizona, where this Connecticut native saw real desert for the 1st time and enjoyed views like this.
Anyways, this week’s issue reminds us that early 2004 was a pretty weird time — and perfect for The Onion’s skewering.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 06, the 179th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
I’m very sad the front-page headline “Trained Pony Saves Billy Bob Thornton From Fire As Planned” is no longer online.1
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Saddam Hussein Rules Over Cell With Iron Fist” reflects The Onion’s ability to critique the Iraq invasion and dislike the country’s leader.
This article imagines Hussein as deposed but not defeated. He’s simply built a new dictatorship overseeing prison-cell rats and cockroaches instead of millions of people. Note that The Onion is better at writing these animal kingdom analogies than, say, Thomas Friedman:
"We gave Saddam a small bag of nuts. While he was asleep, the rats got into the nuts and ate some of them. In retaliation, Saddam caught one of the rats' young, tortured it, and left it strapped to the wall with dental floss for days. Then, after it was dead, he stuffed its severed head with nuts and paraded it around the cell to warn the other rats."
…
"Nothing escapes Saddam's notice," the official said. "He's assembled a secret lice force to collect information and watch over the cell while he sleeps. At first, it seemed harmless, but the lice grew in number every day. Where once there were a couple, now there are thousands hiding in the folds of his sheets."
The above photo is not the best Photoshop ever, but I do like Hussein’s self-portrait on the wall.
Hussein believes in the importance of routine, delivering speech and song daily at 6 a.m. and decorating his cell in elaborate fashion. He’s also executed most of his cockroach cabinet.
And despite getting invaded, in part, for refusing inspections, he’s at it again:
Hussein has repeatedly refused weapons and contraband inspections.
"Most of the prisoners I've dealt with see the daily checks as routine," the soldier said. "But Saddam likes to complain about how we need evidence of wrongdoing before we can cross the cell's threshold."
Occasionally, guards have been forced to threaten Hussein with sanctions to get him to comply with inspections.
Amnesty International warns that the sanctions only hurt Hussein’s subjects (the rats and insects, in this case) — yet another part of the post-Gulf War narrative that The Onion satirizes here.
In real life, the FBI had begun interviewing Hussein in February 2004, but those conversations weren’t made public until 2009.
More politics and policy
“Some Dork Brought In To Address Civics Class” interests me as someone who grew up in a state that didn’t require civics classes or exams to graduate.2
The Onion reports this story entirely from the perspective of bored high-schoolers who don’t care about this goofy-looking guy.
The dork, who introduced himself as Mr. Kepler and wrote his name on the board in girlish cursive letters, spent 25 minutes droning on about the revitalization of downtown Gillette.
"I thought for a second it might be cool, like maybe the city was going to build a mall, and he could tell us what stores would be in it," Tiffany Haus said. "But instead, he talked the whole time about a theater for plays and modern dance and stuff. Awesome. The only thing dorkier than theater is dance."
If this newsletter proves anything, it’s that most humor only works in the right context. To whit:
The dork had trouble controlling the class, and in true dweeb fashion, tried to reprimand the students with humor, saying, "Hey, guys, don't make me rezone that section non-residential."
The entire class reportedly stared at him blankly.
Even the adults hate this guy, with the principal noting, “He had more paper than a person generally carries,” and the outcast librarian making excuses to avoid him.
I don’t think high-schoolers used the word “dork” so liberally in 2004, but I enjoyed reading this.
(This is at least the 3rd recent story set in Wyoming, following “Typo Results In 10,000-Acre Wyoming Skate Park” and “Man Finds Self Back At Porn Store Again.”)
The Onion also covered real-life policy and politics:
The 2004 Iranian parlimentary elections are satirized in “Radicals, Extremists Vie For Control Of Iran.” Iran barred 2,500 reformist candidates ahead of the vote, essentially dooming the coalition led by then-President Mohammad Khatami.
Also in February 2004, “Gay Marriage” was on the verge of becoming legal in Massachusetts. This became a pivotal issue in the presidential election and eventually led to the 2015 Supreme Court decision. The Onion asked people on the street what they thought. Be warned that The Onion uses a specific anti-gay word multiple times. I did enjoy this quote, however:
"Great. Just when I finally get my mother to accept that I'm gay, she has a whole new thing to nag me about: getting married."
Walter Hill3 • Systems Analyst
Finally, remember that Super Bowl halftime show with Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson that made people mad? “Under FCC Investigation” imagines other on-air scandals.
“NBC censors failing to stop SNL sketch from going on way too long” is easily the most accurate joke here. I also appreciate The Onion’s Wisconsin roots, evident in the mentions of Green Bay Packers lineman Mike Wahle and fictional UW-Stevens Point college-radio DJ.
I like the specificity of “NPR's Jazz Profiles host Nancy Wilson brutally torturing and murdering guest Bill Frisell on air.” By contrast, the digs at Bono, Paris Hilton, George W. Bush and Hillary Clinton are more generic — bawdier versions of a Jay Leno monologue.
Area People doing Area Things
“Report: 'Sorry' No Longer Cutting It” is a delightful fake survey from a fake think tank — one of my favorite Onion genres.
The Akimbo Foundation finds that people are increasingly less impressed by apologies. As spokesperson Kyle Dwyer says, “Stop faking it and start making it.”
Of the 2,400 subjects polled, 83 percent claimed that "sorry" just doesn't do it anymore, and 79 percent of those agreed that no amount of begging, pleading, or apologizing is going to change that.
The figure shows a dramatic rise from 1998, when 47 percent of poll respondents stated that sorry was a good enough response, if accompanied by a promise to try harder next time.
If you enjoy cliches like “cut the mustard,” “smelled the coffee,” “shape up or ship out” or “when you assume, it makes an ass of you and me,” this article is for you!
The respondents said the offenders must improve upon their past performances, or else. When pressed to expand upon "or else," respondents spoke of boom-lowering, music-facing, and other-shoe dropping.
"To avoid 'or else,' the misters, missies, and busters must demonstrate a higher commitment to discipline," Dwyer said. "Feet have been put down on this point."
I didn’t remember this article, but it’s such a good match for my editor brain.
“Six Dead In West Point Panty Raid” is the story from this issue I most remembered from 20 years ago, probably because of the outlandish headline. The premise: What if West Point cadets treated pranks like a combat situation?
Company Commander Roger Phillips accepts the blame for the raid’s failure, including his own wound from a bayonet. Apparently, the male cadets did not expect actual gunfire:
"We met with an unexpectedly high level of resistance and spunkiness from the female cadets," Phillips said. "The women engaged us with close-quarters skirmish tactics, and we were forced to drop smoke charges to cover our retreat. We withdrew, pantyless, to an adjoining hall, where we were able to regroup."
"I take full responsibility for the hijinks-related combat fatalities," he added.
Phillips noted that the female cadets' resistance was in the "finest tradition of the service."
The leader of the female cadets, Joanna Russell, does an admirable job defending her turf — and is even willing to destroy the undergarments rather than let the men claim them:
“After placing a sniper-and-spotter team atop the bunk closest to the door, Russell moved to collect the contested panties and place demolition charges among them, in order to prevent their capture and public display, as per standard enemy procedure.
Administrators stepped in once they heard artillery(!) being moved into position. The Onion quotes real-life West Point Superintendent Lt. Gen. William J. Lennox Jr., who applauds the cadets’ enthusiasm but warns that “demerits or extra credit” will be assigned.
This article is very stupid, but I mean that as a compliment. This satire only works if you give full measure to the concept.
Other Area People jokes include:
I want the backstory of how The Onion photographed “Prosthetic Arm Stuck In Vending Machine.” For what it’s worth, vending machines used to kill roughly 2 people a year!
“Stouffer's Discontinues Toaster Steaks” is another great visual. In recent years, TikTokers and YouTubers have explored how to cook steaks in a toaster.
“Majority Of Americans Thought We Already Had A Moon Base”: It’s depressing that this feels like a real article, including this quote:
"It might be on Mars, but I think it's the moon—wherever they have the golf course that President Kennedy played on. Remember, the Cubans tried to take it over?"
“New Co-Op Airline Offers Cheaper Fares If You Help Fly The Plane”: Spirit Airlines is thisclose to doing this. The Onion dresses up this penny-pinching in populist language: “‘Unlike pricey corporate airlines, GreenWay is run by and for the people,’ said Brad Olson, a member of the GreenWay elected board.”
“Household Death Toll Climbs To One”: This could have been just a headline.
“That Guy From That One Show In Rehab”: While we don’t learn which celebrity is in rehab, this feels like a classic TMZ article — the source always seems to be a medical professional ignoring HIPAA.
Were the infographics good?
“What's In Uncle Kevin's Bathroom Cabinet?” is a good front-page illustration. "Enough Q-Tips to swab an ox” is memorable phrasing.
St. Anacletus is a deep cut — the 3rd pope and a real-life saint whose feast day was pulled off the calendar in 1960.
What columnists ran?
I didn’t remember “I Want To Fly A Helicopter, Not Look At A Bunch Of Crazy Dials,” but this is now one of my favorite headlines in recent memory.
I mean, I love this guy’s enthusiasm, if not his inattention to detail:
You know what man has not dreamed of since time immemorial? Keeping an eye on his H-over-G indicator. Cavemen did not look to the hawks in the heavens and wonder about their approximate yaw angle, whatever the hell that is. Old Orville and Wilbur sure as hell didn't dream about zeroing the VOR needle for bearing correction—I'll tell you that for free. So why in hell is some instructor screaming at the top of his lungs for me to look down at the console when I'm in the middle of trying to avoid crashing into a barn?! Something tells me there's no barn-missing meter down there!
Despite growing up in the town where Sikorsky is headquartered, I know nothing about helicopters. But even I know this guy is mistaken:
In the Bell Jet Ranger, I had to sit on a couple of extra cushions, because otherwise, the airspeed indicator and the artificial horizon were right in front of my face! Isn't it more important for me to see the real horizon? For one thing, it'd help me figure out the damn helicopter speed—one thing they don't have a dial for!
My favorite part of this column is that it angered some professional pilots on a message board. Less amusing: A commenter notes that the link was broken just 2 weeks after being posted. The Onion’s always struggled with its website, I guess.
Our other columnist is the wonderful Jean Teasdale — ever-cheerful despite her many setbacks. In “Cheer Up, All You Loveless Singles!” she’s offering romantic advice ahead of Valentine’s Day.
Jean can’t imagine people being single, much less wanting to be unattached. I’m not sure this messaging is effective, however:
And I don't like to be harsh, but frankly, it's depressing to see singles out in public. When I see a girl shopping for groceries by herself, or a solitary guy reading while he waits for a bus, I can't help but sense the hollowness that single person feels inside. I'm partially psychic, so I'm attuned to other people's inner feelings.
Jean admits she’s only really dated her husband (who longtime readers know is useless), but “Wifey Jean” is ready to tell you how to find love, regardless. And Jean’s 3 pieces of advice are pretty good!
“Don't sell yourself short!”
“Don't be afraid to be romantic.”
“Make sure to let your sweetheart know how much you care.”
It’s heartbreaking to see Jean list several romantic activities and follow up with, “Now, admittedly, I've never experienced any of these things.”
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Gemini because taking hyperbole literally is funny.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
In a neat but unfortunate melding of rhetorical and actual elements, you'll get stuck in a rut and wake up in a ditch this week.
What holds up best?
There are a few choices, but I’ll go with “I Want To Fly A Helicopter, Not Look At A Bunch Of Crazy Dials.” It’s well-written and funny. And while it’s a ludicrous premise, most of us can imagine people would say, “I bet flying a helicopter is easy.”
What holds up worst?
The anti-gay references in “Gay Marriage” — you won’t be reading those jokes out loud in mixed company, that’s for sure.
What would be done differently today?
A couple of drag references — one in the Uncle Kevin infographic and another in the horoscopes — feel very 1990s/2000s. Would they be updated from “Mrs. Doubtfire”-era references to, say, “RuPaul’s Drag Race” verbiage? Or would drag only be mentioned as part of culture war/political jokes?
Separately, I wonder whether The Onion would be criticized today for running a long article attacking Saddam Hussein but not making any jokes about the Bush administration. Would that be considered insufficiently anti-war among parts of the readership?
It’s worth noting that The Onion in 2013 was accused of advocating for U.S. intervention in Syria, which the paper (mockingly) denied. This newsletter will cover that in 2033, God willing.
Thank you
Thank you for being here! Please share this newsletter with anyone you think might enjoy it.
Next week, we’ll revisit the most prophetic Onion column ever — “Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades.”
Billy Bob is a “My Little Pony” fan, for what it’s worth.
Many states lack specific civics requirements.
Coincidentally, Walter Hill is also the name of the “48 Hrs.” director.