The Onion predicted the Bill & Ted reunion 20 years ago
We also have sad Bill Clinton, lava lamps, dinner parties, Mad Cow disease and Mr. Falafel from Feb. 7, 2001
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from exactly 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Feb. 7, 2001.
Welcome to new subscribers! I’m excited to have you here. You don’t need to read the whole thing! This is a completist newsletter, but there’s no quiz.
Last week’s newsletter highlighted Marilyn Manson, and then he was in the real news. The Onion portrayed Manson as pathetic in 2001, which isn’t wrong. But that portrayal also seems like a possible blind spot given last week’s allegations and revelations.
With that said, let’s explore the stress-free(?) era of February 2001!
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 04, the 48th published Onion issue of the 2000s and the 47th issue of new content. No records exist of the 2001 website. Here’s the 2011 website with all the images missing, and here’s today’s website.
No longer online is the teaser to today’s newsletter: “Alex Winter Keeps Bugging Keanu Reeves About Third Bill & Ted Movie,” which only took 19 years to become a real movie!
Online, but not on today’s Issue 04 page is “I Can't Seem To Find The Moline Gay District.”
What was the top story, and other impressions?
Bill Clinton might have left the White House, but The Onion wasn’t ready to let go of its cartoon president, as we see in “Clinton Vaguely Disappointed By Lack Of Assassination Attempts.”
In my real job as an editor, I dislike adverbs, but “Vaguely” is a perfect headline word here. Clinton’s not angry, nor is he truly wistful or reflective. He just feels that something’s off, like a disturbance in the Force.
Clinton has thought a lot about how he would heroically respond to an (unsuccessful) assassination attempt, including an orchestrated thumbs-up and doing presidential work from the hospital. All of this feels eerily like Donald Trump’s COVID saga, for better or worse.
What also feels wildly different in 2021 versus 2001 is joking about a president and violence in the same breath.
However, this story still works as an embodiment of needy Bill Clinton, reminiscent of 1995’s “Tiger Attacks Bill Clinton,” in which he is quoted: “I feel my pain!”
Anyways, former Secretary of State Warren Christopher tried to console Clinton with a history lesson, but you can’t outlogic emotion:
"I tried to tell him it's no big deal, that plenty of the great presidents never got shot at," Christopher said. "Like Washington. Besides, no one remembers Charles Guiteau shooting James Garfield. Or McKinley getting plugged by that Hungarian guy1 in Buffalo. But he just looks at me with these sad eyes."
Area people doing Area Things
This week’s issue is full of great stories about silly trends and ordinary life problems, which of course are where The Onion shines.
The Onion combines everyday things with its love of fake U.S. federal agencies in “Lava Lamps Revert From Passé Retro Kitsch Back To Novel Retro Camp,” which offers a report by the U.S. Department of Retro that “marks the 17th time the government has changed the lava lamp's retro classification since its initial resurgence in 1976.”
I’m not sure lava lamps ever came back into vogue, but there’s something in here about the cyclical way Americans consume culture. Everything that starts off “cool” or hated eventually shifts to the other side, followed by a nostalgic period. See this passage:
"Remember back in '88, '89, when everybody had lava lamps in their dorm rooms because they were so hilariously evocative of the late '60s, early '70s?" said Todd Wakefield, 31, a recent lava lamp re-reconvert. "That was awesome."
I immediately thought of “That ’70s Show” when I saw this headline, and turns out it’s mentioned! The current Secretary of Retro is Brian Setzer, himself a profiteer of kitsch. But he only came to power because “Happy Days” alum Donny Most was forced out for “refusing to endorse That '70s Show.”
There’s also this passage:
For example, in 1998, computer dweebs considered the lamps "CyberKewl," while swing-dancing hipsters dismissed them as "lame-a-roony-toony."
“Recently Born-Again Christian Finally Has Social Life” is written somewhat like a magazine profile and somewhat like a testimonial, with the classic opening of “Eight months ago, Larry Dunne was alone. He didn't have a friend in the world. But all that changed …”
The Onion’s versatility is on display in this issue, as it has columns, national news and local reporting, but then also this feature-y side. Most satirical publications aren’t able to tell stories/jokes in this many ways.
As for the article itself, it’s pretty straightforward. Dunne describes his journey, the new friends he’s made and even the older divorcee he’s dating. The satire is subtle, as seen in the closing line of “In Christ, I am liked.”
I also enjoy The Onion’s commitment to protagonists working industrial jobs — Dunne is “a data technician at Quill Paper Distribution.”
Here are some other “area people” items in The Onion from 20 years ago:
“‘Mr. Falafel' Owner Does Not Actually Like Being Addressed As Mr. Falafel” hits the perfect balance of “Americans don’t bother to learn names that sound strange to them” and “Well, the place is called Mr. Falafel.”
“Woman Panics After Accidentally Getting Into Exact-Change Lane” is also very short, and if it works for you, it’s in its realism rather than any punchline.
“Receptionist At Chiropractor's Office Considering Pursuing Chiropractic Degree” is a good proxy for peer pressure. Paula Budig’s previous jobs include Safeway (I live next door to one), Roy Rogers and a law firm. Also, salaries have changed in 20 years, I hope?
"Right now, I make $22K per year," she said. "A chiropractor's starting salary is easily $35K.”
“High-School Teacher Reluctantly Breaks Up Fight” reminds me fondly of my high school. And also of the value of hyphenation.
“Dozens Of Glowing Exit Signs Mercilessly Taunt Multiplex Employee” is just a photo, sadly. This feels like it could have been a fun article.
Were the infographics good?
I don’t remember Celine Dion having a baby. There’s a cruelty to these jokes that doesn’t hold up, in no small part because what the hell did Celine Dion do besides have some popular songs? And it’s kind of the same joke over and over — “she’s a monster! Get it?”
(La Société Des Chanteuses Québécois Anorexiques Avec Les Svengalis Anciens” roughly translates to “The Society of Anorexic Quebec Singers With Ancient Svengalis,” by the way).
“Most Common Drug Side-Effects” is no classic, either, but at least it leans on non sequiturs, save for a dig at Beach Boy Brian Wilson’s mental health issues. I do appreciate the obligatory “Spider-Man” reference.
The infographics are really hit or miss. This week, mostly misses.
What columnists ran?
No regular Onion columnists this week after last week’s delightful Jackie Harvey column.
We have two columns — one nearly timeless and the other very much of its time. Let’s start with “I'm A Dinner-Party Animal,” which takes a simple wordplay and turns it into a delightfully detailed, high-energy column.
It’s got all the tropes of someone describing their party life, like how late they stay out, what music they crank up, the health effects of (dinner) partying hard, and what was consumed.
For Stephan Tewksbury, his answers are, respectively: 11:30 p.m., Claude Debussy, the threat of lactose intolerance and his father’s seafood allergy, and Russian tea cakes.
The enthusiasm carries this column through. After all, dinner parties can be fun! It’s just that most people don’t have this enthusiasm.
When I see lit candles, folded cloth napkins, and matching place settings, it makes me want to throw my hands in the air and shout, "Come on, all y'all dinner-party people in the house! You ready to make some pleasant conversation? Let me hear you say yeah!"
Then we have “I Can't Seem To Find The Moline Gay District,” which, well, feels very much like a 1990s/early 2000s column. It’s a fairly well-written and slightly absurd depiction of Lance Cuellar’s journey, although it relies on stereotypes both of small-town America and gay culture. Such as:
My first stop was downtown, which I quickly redubbed Lametown. No vegan restaurants, no scented-candle shops–not so much as a single inverted pink triangle in a window. Only fast-food chains, auto-supply stores, and a Kmart. Can't get much straighter than that.
He also gets directed to what he believes is a “drag show” but is actually the car-racing version.
Most “Hey, it’s 2001!” reference
Probably the “What Do You Think?” feature “The Return Of Mad Cow,” which reminds us of those heady times where the world’s most dangerous pathogen could be avoiding by not consuming 1 type of food.
There’s also a reference to a real-life recall of Mamba candy, which I had forgotten about and am not sure I ever ate.
Honorable mention to the old country TV network TNN in “New Country-Music Video Has Look Of 1991 Rock Video.”
Was an animal quoted?
No, again.
What was the best horoscope?
The Michael Scott-like advice of Libra is my favorite horoscope this week:
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Please stop telling your coworkers you've been "nailing" your new secretary. The polite term is "nailing love to."
What holds up best?
I love “I'm A Dinner-Party Animal,” although if some of the Area People stories were more in-depth, I could go for one of those. And, obviously, “Alex Winter Keeps Bugging Keanu Reeves About Third Bill & Ted Movie” accidently became prophetic.
What holds up worst?
The Celine Dion piece seems like it would have been cruel and unimaginative in 2001, much less now. One of the more disappointing items I’ve read in my time reviewing The Onion from 20 years ago.
Also weird is this horoscopes joke about Christa MacAuliffe, the teacher who died in the Challenger explosion. I’m open to the defense that this is just really dark humor.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will go down in snowboard history for accidentally inventing the "540 Goofy-Foot Christa MacAuliffe" while nailing siding on your mountain cabin.
What would be done differently today?
More politics! George W. Bush is still in his first month as president, and he’s basically disappeared the past 2 weeks.
I imagine there’d be fewer of these stories about fictional local news and more about coronavirus, celebrities and so forth. That’s too bad, but that’s how it is.
What real-life people were mentioned?
Bill Clinton. Abraham Lincoln. Theodore Roosevelt. Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Ronald Reagan. Gerald Ford. Squeaky Fromme. John Podesta. Warren Christopher. Charles Guiteau. James Garfield. William McKinley. Francisco Duran. John Carlin. Alexander Hamilton. James Madison. Christa MacAuliffe. The Flying Wallendas. Celine Dion. Diane Warren. Lonestar. Richie McDonald. Damn Yankees. Extreme. Mr. Big. Brian Setzer. Donny Most. Alex Winters. Keanu Reeves.
Many former presidents, as well as would-be Ford assassin Fromme2, former Clinton aide Podesta, Garfield assassin Guiteau and 1994 White House (non-fatal) shooter Duran are all mentioned in "“Clinton Vaguely Disappointed By Lack Of Assassination Attempts.”
Founding Fathers Hamilton and Madison, as well as Clinton-appointed Archivist of the United States Carlin, appear in “Special 'Framers' Cut' Of Constitution To Feature Five Deleted Amendments,” which is extremely 2001 in its parody of special-edition DVDs.
The Flying Wallendas is a family of circus performers and daredevils, many of whom died from their stunts. The horoscopes reference to a 1963 tragedy is about the death of Rietta Wallenda.
Musician Diane Warren is mentioned in “Celine's Baby.”
The band Lonestar and former frontman McDonald are in “New Country-Music Video Has Look Of 1991 Rock Video,” as are rock bands Damn Yankees, Extreme and Mr. Big.
What was happening in the real world?
Here’s the real-life news from Jan. 29-Feb. 4, 2001, stopping a few days short to account for The Onion’s print cycle. News is from InfoPlease and the front pages of The New York Times (subscription required). Movie and music charts are linked:
CBO predicts long-term federal surplus. John Ashcroft confirmed as attorney general. California agrees to energy purchase plan. One suspect convicted in 1988 Flight 103 airplane bombing. NYT looks at teens who work full time. Bush pushes Medicare drug proposal, oil exploration. Cheney names separate team of advisers. Amazon announces 1,300 layoffs. U.S. economy slows, while Federal Reserve cuts interest rates. Clintons agree to repay $86,000 in gifts. New Jersey settles state troopers’ racial profiling for $13 million. Reality TV is a success, spurring more. Colombia declares war on coca crops. Baltimore Ravens win Super Bowl. Fewer lawsuits on product defects, but higher damages awarded. Andrew Cuomo announces gubernatorial run in New York.
Top movie (weekend of Feb. 2-4): “The Wedding Planner”
Top TV show (Jan. 29-Feb. 4): “ER”
Billboard top single (Feb. 3): “It Wasn't Me,” Shaggy Feat. Ricardo "RikRok" Ducent
Billboard top album (Feb. 3): “1,” The Beatles
In the drug one, is "Swedish citizenship" referring to something specific, or just another nonsense entry?
I am so going to start calling everything "CyberKewl"!
These retrospectives are really interesting-- I loved the election one and I look forward to seeing your take on the 9/11 issue.