The Onion praised Willie Nelson and talked about love 20 years ago
We also hear about a real-life GE pollution case, drinking wine from a human skull, Green Lantern fandom, and Americans studying abroad
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Feb. 13, 2002.
This issue is more fun than last week’s — or maybe I’m just in a better mood? We also have a lot of Valentine’s Day stories. Let’s explore.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 38, Issue 05, the 91st Onion issue of the 2000s and the 90th issue of new content. Here is the website as it looked in 2002, 2012 and today.
Standard disclaimer: The old photos/images are mostly gone. I reproduce as many as I can each week.
“The Onion presents a Valentine's Day Kids Page!” is a repeat from 2000. View the surprisingly well-rendered and terrifying images at the link, and read what I wrote about it in 2020.
The front-page headlines that no longer show up properly online are “Five-Dollar Bill In Guitar Case Not Fooling Anyone,” plus these two with photos:
Harrison Ford and Minnie Driver were linked around this time, but Ford started seeing Calista Flockhart not long after the Jan. 20, 2002, Golden Globes. Anyways, this is an extremely 2002 joke in terms of celebrities and the pre-Weinstein jokes about “optioning” an actress.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
I’ve visited the Holocaust Museum, and I also got to know an employee a little bit years ago when I served on a federal grand jury.1
The museum is compelling and poignant but also somber, so the challenge of “Holocaust Museum Cashier Has Yet Another Depressing Day” seems to be this: Can The Onion mine humor from this employee’s experience without making fun of the museum or giving fodder to racists?
Thankfully, this article turns out OK! This isn’t the funniest story, but it’s a well-crafted satire of the “day in the life” newspaper/magazine profile of someone’s job.
Our protagonist, Alyssa Kaplan, took a semester off from college and took this job instead of waitressing. She isn’t a jerk, either. She’s just being honest: Working at the Holocaust Museum can be mentally draining. Kaplan also understands there are worse fates in life — even within the museum:
"The people at the ticket desk deal with the pushy tourists screaming about the long wait, and they get paid 75 cents an hour less," Kaplan said. "Plus, they have to stare at that giant photo of Kristallnacht all day. If Anne Frank could survive in that attic all those years, I should be able to do five months behind this desk."
More real life in The Onion
While not technically the top story, “GE Ad Trumpets Company's Government-Ordered Environmental Cleanup” is significant because it follows the real-life story of General Electric settling litigation over environmental contamination of the Housatonic River in Massachusetts2.
This story is especially useful for this newsletter’s “what changed in 20 years” purpose. In 2002, this was The Onion acting like “Law & Order” by ripping a story from the headlines. But in 2022, most of us aren’t aware of GE’s pollution issues unless we have a personal connection.
Does the story still work in 2022? I think so, but now it’s a parody of any corporation pretending to care about the environment (or caring only after getting caught).
Last week, I complained about the headlines being too blunt. This week, the GE story has a straightforward headline, allowing the article to be blunt:
"At GE, we're committed to making your world better," a print version of the ad states. "That's why we're involved in 87 active federal Superfund sites."
Not only is the writing good, but the images also shine. Note that pleasing photo above from GE’s commercial and then this “real life” photo:
The Onion also referenced a 1999 GE settlement in Malvern, Pa., for this vicious closing paragraph:
After GE was forced to remove 41,000 cubic yards of contaminated soil from the school's playground area, it installed new recreational equipment and athletic facilities on the site. The ad, which cites GE's playground-equipment donation, features a delighted child on a slide and a voiceover stating, "GE knows you've got to give just a little... to get a smile in return.”
Other real-life people and events from The Onion this week include:
“Smiling Willie Nelson Reflects On A Lifetime Of Weed And Women” is a headline I fondly recall from 20 years ago. This article probably could run verbatim in 1992, 2012 or 2022.
“Senate Subcommittee On Energy And Water Development More Like A Family”: Sens. Pete Domenici and Harry Reid have both passed.
The only mention of President George W. Bush is The Onion asking people about “The Defense Budget” — the $379 billion proposal being roughly half of today’s defense spending. One respondent is only looking out for himself: “So, do I get a $300 check this year? No? Bush is such an asshole."3
Love in the air
I like that The Onion did a bunch of items related to Valentine’s Day but didn’t try to make the entire issue about it.
Besides the Valentine’s Day illustrations I mentioned earlier, The Onion featured “Valentine's Day Coming A Little Early In Relationship” from a man’s perspective:
"Ideally, we would have started dating last October. That way, Valentine's Day would have fallen somewhere around the four-month mark. Oh, well."
The horoscopes dropped in with this dating advice, which seems very specific:
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Dating isn't always easy, but you've got to either dust yourself off and get back in the saddle or stop dating horses.
The Onion also examined “The New Dating Shows,” which I guess technically counts as “love.” We have to remember that reality TV was still new in 2002 — it was once considered normal to not be an influencer or reality star, kids.
I don’t remember any of these dating shows, thank God. My favorite line is “WWF wrestling only showcases physical cruelty.”
Finally, we have regular Onion columnist Jean Teasdale with “Incurable Romantic? Guilty As Charged!”
This is Jean’s first column of 2002, and the very 1st paragraph showcases her irrepressible optimism and bad marriage:
Next to Christmas, my favorite holiday has to be Valentine's Day. In fact, I just got done decorating the windows of our apartment with teeny hearts cut out of red tissue paper, an annual ritual of mine. And, without fail, my efforts always get the same reaction from hubby Rick: "Geez, Jean, did they rezone the red-light district right through our place? Where's the whores?"
Jean’s idea of romance is Hallmark kitsch like “a box of chocolates with a tiny, adorable teddy bear attached to the box,” a restaurant wedding proposal or a high school crush showing up on your door years later, confessing his love and immediately dying after one kiss.
This is classic Jean Teasdale. A couple of years ago I would have said I didn’t like Jean’s columns. But I was wrong. Jean’s columns are a consistent mix of pathetic cheer and wholesome hopefulness — a tone unlike anything else The Onion was doing back then.
We do get one Jean Teasdale fantasy, despite her preference for sensuality over sexuality. I’ll let y’all decide what you think of this:
Finally (and this is the most surefire way to get me in the Valentine's Day mood), I scatter my many stuffed animals and Beanie Babies all over my waterbed, lay down, and roll around, letting them bob and tumble all over me as the bed waves and undulates! You might not think this is particularly romantic (and technically, I suppose it's probably not), until you consider this one little detail: I'm totally naked!
Area People doing Area Things
I fondly recall “Semester Abroad Spent Drinking With Other American Students,” which published a year before I did a 6-week college program in Italy.
In this article, Jon Blevins of Indiana University is taking study abroad to an extreme, seemingly spending all his time at bars and with Americans from other colleges. Has he seen any famous Spanish sites? Does he know any differences between regions, or learned any Spanish? No. However …
He has, however, made three trips to the American Club, "this great bar near campus where they've got Dave Matthews on the jukebox and Sam Adams on tap."
This is kind of an easy joke, but The Onion does a good job. Having the entire story told by 1 oblivious college student was a smart move.
The only downer about “Actors Decide To Go On With Sitcom Despite Cancellation” is that it’s not about a real NBC show. The fake show, “Stop The Presses,” is intriguing 20 years later — it’s a still-accurate portrayal of really bad network sitcoms, but the setting of a newspaper is ancient history.
The idea of a show continuing on despite cancellation is also ahead of its time. Only 1 day after this Onion issue published 20 years ago, Fox aired the last “Family Guy” episode of Season 3 before canceling it. Of course, “Family Guy” returned years later because the show had huge DVD sales, syndication ratings and fan support.
In this case, the only people who want the show to keep going are the actors:
Drake said he was genuinely surprised when ABC, CBS, Fox, UPN, WB, HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, MTV, VH-1, Comedy Central, Lifetime, Nickelodeon, The Sci-Fi Channel, Bravo, A&E, Home Shopping Network, TV Land, The Discovery Channel, The Food Network, CNN, Oxygen, Noggin, The Cartoon Network, ESPN, and ESPN2 passed on Stop The Presses as a midseason replacement.
Other Area People stories include:
“Vanquished Foe's Skull Makes Surprisingly Bad Wine Goblet” is a tremendous headline. And the short article details all the structural problems with a skull as a beverage container.
“Moviegoer Can Already See Where Commercials Will Go” is a great Onion example of “pompous person brags about unimportant talent.”
“Woman Who Claims Book Changed Her Life Has Not Changed” feels timeless in terms of people claiming 1 book got rid of all their bad habits. (The book’s real, by the way.) The most outdated part might be the woman being a payroll secretary.
Were the infographics good?
“What Artwork Is Adorning Our Walls?” was confusing for me to read at first. The left column is the artwork, the right column is the location of that artwork. Maybe y’all figured this out right away!
“Five Dogs Playing Poker” is a real easy joke, but it never fails to make me laugh.
The Playboy reference is probably boxer Mia St. John (not a link to Playboy), who was in the magazine in 1999. The things I have to Google for this newsletter …
The Nagel reference is Patrick Nagel, known for his artwork in Playboy and the cover design of Duran Duran’s “Rio.” The reference to “mid-’80s” might sound weird considering Nagel died in 1984, but it was only after his death that the market flooded with legitimate and counterfeit versions of his work.
What columnists ran?
Besides Jean Teasdale, The Onion also featured “Planning A Dinner Party,” a bulleted list of jokes that includes references to Thunderbird fortified wine, Ragu, Martha Stewart and Chef Boyardee, as well as this advice for 2022’s fraught times:
When selecting a wine for the evening, first determine whether your motivations for the party are political or romantic.
Our other column is “When You Are Ready To Have A Serious Conversation About Green Lantern, You Have My E-Mail Address,” which made me laugh as a good take on “nerd debates,” to be unkind but precise. Obviously, email is still a problem today, but in 2002, email was the modern way to communicate.
I don’t know any of the names or references to Green Lantern lore that populate this article. But wow is this fan really hyped. Apparently, this is quite a burn:
But don't couch your opinions in a false respect for Phase III Green Lantern that supersedes any enjoyment of the Silver Age. You might as well read Aquaman if you're going to act like that.
The author also has unkind words for Judd Winick, a real-life Green Lantern writer who was on “The Real World: San Francisco” in 1994(!). Also, our writer believes that because of “The Lord of The Rings,” a movie deal is also possible for Green Lantern (and hey, that worked out really well 9 years later).
I love this passive-aggressive olive branch near the end:
It is ridiculous to let our friendship falter because of a juvenile disagreement about a comic book. I therefore await your e-mail of capitulation, as soon as you see fit to send it.
What was the best horoscope?
Ayn Rand’s always been controversial, but I think in 2002 this was more of a literary joke than a political joke:
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be told that "your appeal to reason and personal responsibility is a light that will never go out" by weirdos who've mistaken you for Ayn Rand.
What holds up best?
Willie Nelson is the obvious winner this week, although “Vanquished Foe's Skull Makes Surprisingly Bad Wine Goblet” is really quite good.
What holds up worst?
I usually prefer Onion features with too many jokes instead of too few. My logic is that we’ll get guaranteed enjoyment even if some jokes are bad.
The risk is having jokes that really fail or age badly. In the dinner party feature 20 years ago, The Onion has a joke about “where to seat the hermaphrodite” that feels borderline even then, completely incongruous now.
What would be done differently today?
More political jokes, more mentions of the president.
I don’t think there’s a COVID-19 equivalent in early 2002 that The Onion was ignoring, unless we think 9/11 or the 2000 election should have still been huge topics.
The GE cleanup is interesting because it’s about real life, but a years-old story. Today’s Onion is talking about real-life events from the past week or two, at most.
Thank you
Grateful y’all want to read this little newsletter. Next week, we get more topical, with Enron, Osama Bin Laden and the “Axis of Evil.” See you then!