20 years ago, The Onion predicted a Nickelodeon scandal
Also, Dick Cheney decides to run for president, U.S. jobs get outsourced, and columnist Herbert Kornfeld talks about his missing sister.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit May 26, 2004.
This issue has multiple big stories I didn’t remember, including those about Vice President Dick Cheney and America’s long obsession with England. I’m also intrigued by the accidental relevance of Nickelodeon, as well as how The Onion covered the 2004 election campaign.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 40, Issue 21, the 194th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here is what the website looked like in 2004, 2014 and today.
The front-page headline “Living Room Died In” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Fed-Up Cheney Enters Presidential Race Himself” reflects the declining approval numbers for President George W. Bush, who fell below 50% in May 2004 in Gallup polling. For comparison, President Joe Biden’s approval rating via Gallup is 38% currently.
I like this article because it feels like something real-life Dick Cheney would want to do, but it’s not just repeating the same-old “Bush is dumb” or “Bush is Cheney’s puppet” jokes everyone else was doing. Rather, this satirizes Cheney’s boundless ambition and his love of winning above all else:
"Do I have to do everything around here?" Cheney asked, pausing to gesture angrily around the White House. "I guess I do."
…
Some have called Cheney the most active vice-president in the history of the executive branch. Cheney characterized this view of his term as the "understatement of the year."
"Every damn thing he did right since 2000 I told him to do," Cheney said. "You think Afghanistan was his idea? The tax cuts? The Medicare bill? No, no, and no. But all my years of hard work go right down the drain when he stands up in front of everyone and mispronounces [Italian prime minister] Silvio Berlusconi's name."
Cheney is upset with Bush’s job performance in several other areas, including:
Bush making gay marriage a campaign issue (something Cheney publicly disagreed with in August 2004)
Bush’s reaction to Abu Ghraib and the murder of Nicholas Berg
Bush’s famous quote on the economy: “I'd rather that, in order to get out of this recession, that the people be spending their money, not the government trying to figure out how to spend the people's money."
Cheney wants to focus on planning “the next couple of wars” instead.
Throughout Bush’s first term, The Onion liked to attack one top official by propping up another. This is a prime example — make Cheney the studious (if war-mongering) public servant and Bush the inattentive goofball.
Unsurprisingly, in a wartime election year, The Onion had other political coverage, including:
“Brad Pitt Called Before Congress To Testify About Bicep Regimen”: So silly, but a headline and photo that’s stuck in my brain for 20 years. This joke is likely inspired by the movie “Troy,” which came out on May 14, 2004.
“Bush Posts Classified Ad For 90,000 Troops”: It helps if you remember what classified ads looked like! Here’s the text, for what it’s worth:
"WANTED: motivated, dedicated, obedient people looking for career in growing field of nation liberation," the ad read. "90,000 jobs avail. F/T days, nights, weekends. No exp. necessary. Will train. Arabic a plus. Starter pay, solid bnfts."
“Should Rumsfeld Resign?”: The Onion asked people whether Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld should resign, given the Abu Ghraib scandal and the overall war effort. (Rumsfeld stayed until after the 2006 midterm elections.) My favorite joke is this one, where HHS catches strays:
"Firing Rumsfeld is unnecessary. If we demote him to Secretary of Health and Human Services for a while, he'll fall into line."
Karen Heck • Saleswoman
The other Nickelodeon scandal
If you’re unfamiliar with the recent Nickelodeon scandal, this article is a decent primer on the major events.
20 years ago, “Ex-Nickelodeon Stars Relate Horrors Of Green Slime Syndrome” explored the pain and suffering of “You Can't Do That On Television” stars — except it’s (I believe) a satire of Vietnam War-era Agent Orange lawsuits.
"The producers assured us the slime was safe, and that getting drenched with it for five or more takes wouldn't cause any lasting damage," cast member Alasdair Gillis1 said. "I was only 12. I didn't ask questions; I just did what the director said. Now I live with constant pain."
Gillis then pulled up his sleeves to reveal the suppurating pustules that cover his forearms and wrists.
I appreciate that The Onion gives some background into the show and its premise. After all, we don’t all remember a show that (even then) had been off the air for 14 years. The article also reads like an investigative report, with The Onion noting how “as many as 50 cast members” have experienced unusual illnesses.
Poor Gillis has serious PTSD, too:
"If you tell people you have GSS, they act like you're just a coddled child actor," Gillis added. "'Part of the harsh reality of show-biz,' they say. But they don't know what it was like, man. Now, 20 years later, I still wince every time I hear someone say 'water.' I still request Evian in restaurants. I can't even be in the same room as a cream pie."2
Other cast members bravely telling their stories include Marjorie Silcoff, Les Lye and Christine "Moose" McGlade — but not Alanis Morissette!
Continued Silcoff: "We all just stood on the mark like we were told. Christ, when you think about all the things that we were exposed to—mustard, milk, Jell-O, grape soda—it's incredible that we survived at all."
I watched Nickelodeon as a kid but only vaguely remember this show. “Double Dare” is the Nick game show I remember more of, for whatever reason.
Area People doing Area Things
There’s a trope that new teachers, fresh out of college, are full of hope and wonder — a feeling quickly stamped out by the daily grind.
“Naïve Teacher Believes In Her Students” makes fun of this fresh-faced optimism but also mocks liberal/progressive education theories that reject strict rules and standard curricula. As you can see, this article is skeptical of student-driven learning and any attempt at coddling:
"Teenagers need to be engaged as equals, not talked down to," [Christine] Niles said, scrubbing the words "Miss Niles is a kunt" from the surface of her desk. "A heavy-handed approach takes the joy out of learning. Some teachers give out detention, but I praise my students for the times they don't skip class, rather than dwell on the days they do."
…
It was her interest in engaging the students in something from their world that led Niles to invite them to interpret contemporary music lyrics as poetry Monday. The class spent the period listening to songs like "Freak Me Slow" by Kelis and "Just Don't Give A Fuck" by Eminem.
Notably, only 2 students turned in the assigned essay. This might be because Niles doesn’t like to give failing grades or assign too many tests, which create “adversarial relationships with their peers."
She’s also been threatened and stolen from multiple times.
Other notable references:
The book that got her into teaching is Virginia Woolf’s “To The Lighthouse.”
Niles says the phrase “Tupac, not Tennyson.”
She graduated from George Washington University, which is mostly interesting to me because I live with a GW graduate.
I wish “U.S. Gives Up Trying To Impress England” were true. We fought 2 wars so we could ignore the monarchy! But alas, we keep betraying our values by obsessing over the Brits (the royal weddings, casting Brits in seemingly everything,3 etc.). I’m kidding — mostly.
What The Onion does get right is the attitudes — many Americans think England (and/or much of Europe) is more advanced. And, of course, the Brits agree:
"All we want is one little nod of affirmation, a pat on the back, a 'good job' for some of the things we've done as a country," said Matthew Prousalis, a customer-service agent for AT&T Wireless in Peoria. "Really, all it would take is a quick 'Thanks for inventing the first successful gas-powered automobile. Keep it up.' That's it. But no, nothing."
"I've admired the British ever since I saw them on PBS as a kid," Prousalis added, blushing slightly. "Do they have any idea how bad they make us feel when they disregard us like this?"
The Onion writes great quotes from several insecure Americans. It feels like a real news story about a trend sweeping the nation.
Other Area People items include:
“Gun Pays For Itself On First Day”: Fantastic combination of a simple headline and photo.
“No-Makeup Look Easier To Achieve Than Elle Claims”:4 I love the last part:
Similarly, experts say Elle's six-page article "Building Your Self-Esteem" can be more simply stated as "Stop giving a shit about what people think."
“Great-Grandmother Actually Not That Great”: Thankfully, she’s just frail and boring, not an asshole. My real-life grandmother turned 95 this week. She’s pretty great.
“Bus Passenger Really Getting Into Stranger's Nursing Textbook”: Learn how to treat leg and foot ulcers!
“Awkward Encounter Not Awkward At All When Masturbated About”: All of this sparked by a guy asking a waitress to go on a coffee date!
Were the infographics good?
Outsourcing isn’t new, but it became a big campaign issue in 2004 — possibly because service jobs were being lost, not just manufacturing work.5
“Overseas Outsourcing” addresses this and more. I was prepared not to like these jokes, but they’re pretty good? My favorite is the very 2004 reference of “Following lead of Jay-Z, who outsourced his beat for ‘Beware of the Boys’ to Panjabi MC.”6
“Top Crusades” is a perfect topic for an Onion infographic. And hey, “Third Crusade, 1189-92,” made it in at No. 4!
What columnists ran?
We’ve all seen those essays or Twitter threads (sorry, X threads) about how the present is the best era of human existence despite our many problems. “You Learn Something New And Depressing Every Day” is the opposite of that.
Columnist Bill Merkert has lots of bad news for us — the horrible AIDS epidemic in Africa, the thousands of daily deaths from malaria, the death of a homeless man in his town, even his own mother’s loneliness in the months before her death,
That said, I don’t know that Merkert should be having these conversations at work:
After living for more than a half-century, you'd think I'd know all the disheartening information there is to know. Far from it! I read in the paper that roughly one in three women have been raped or violently sexually assaulted. I couldn't believe it, so I did an informal survey of the women I work with. Sure enough! Turns out that statistic was just about right!
This is like a depressing version of 2000’s “In My Day, Ballplayers Were For Shit.”
This article holds up surprisingly well. We are bombarded with endless information (and speculation and outright falsehoods) about the world’s problems, so it’s easy to be pessimistic. Even The Onion is affected by this at times.
Our other columnist is a man who’s constantly annoyed yet finds hope in the world, albeit in unconventional ways. I’m talking about Herbert Kornfeld, the CPA with a magical office-supply gang warfare life.
In Kornfeld’s last column from January 2004, he defeated some office ninjas but then was taunted about the long-ago disappearance of his sister. This week, in “Sob Sistah,” Kornfeld sends an interoffice memo demanding that people stop asking about his sister:
Look, I only gonna say this once, so heads up: I hadda sistah once, but I ain't seen her since she wuz 5. Some say she wuz hijacked by tha Hong Kong mafia, some say some freaky alien Muthaship suctioned her outta tha backyard, an' some say she wuz a casualty of a custody battle between mah mama an' mah daddy. I don't remember much 'bout her, 'cause I be only a shortie when she disappear, but I recalls she wuzn't too down wit' tha Accountin'.
What a wild-ass column! What a dream to write such imaginative nonsense, publish it in a newspaper, and not give a shit what anyone thinks of it (besides, of course, hoping people enjoy it).
Kornfeld lives by the tried-and-true method of burying your emotions:
Peep this, y'all: When all y'all mournin' a loss o' some sort, I don't go layin' down a card on yo' deks that say "Thinking About You" or sending y'all a "Pick-Me-Up" bouquet. Respect me like I respects you. 'Cause I knows a lotta y'all gots tha secret mad hate foe that touchy-feely shit, too.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope is Leo because editors can get heated about seemingly minor differences like “different from” and “different than.”
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It turns out that "different" may be followed by "than" as long as the word introduces a clause, but that doesn't mean you have to like it.
Consolation prizes to the horoscopes mentioning Amelia Earhart and the Saengre Theater in New Orleans.
What holds up best?
This issue is chock-full of stories that remain relevant and funny today. But my favorites are the front-page headlines “Gun Pays For Itself On First Day” and “Living Room Died In.”
Short, simple, easy to understand, and every word adds something.
What holds up worst?
“U.S. Gives Up Trying To Impress England” is actually good satire because Americans never stopped trying to impress, but Anglophiles seem to have only grown stronger in recent decades.
What would be done differently today?
Would The Onion mock liberal education methods in the same way today? Perhaps not (I’m not sure how funny anyone can make a debate about pedagogy, to be fair).
Likewise, it’s hard to imagine a good satire of Vice President Kamala Harris usurping Biden. That said, The Onion continues to write about presidential approval ratings, which illustrates a key difference from 20 years ago. This week, The Onion published “Biden Bounces Back In Polls As Americans Notice Netflix Added A Few Good Shows Recently.” That article is only 168 words, so a very long headline is needed to convey the joke.
In 2004, The Onion wrote 791 words in “Fed-Up Cheney Enters Presidential Race Himself” (itself a good headline). I’d love a universe where The Onion felt they had the financial stability and in-house talent to write longer articles like that.
Thank you
Grateful for all of you who read this, share your thoughts and share the newsletter with others! Keep doing so!
Also, as I noted last week, if you know of places or people with old physical issues of The Onion, I’d love to know more.
Next week, we revisit Wilfred Brimley, gay marriage, country ballads, AOL Latino and a man who sells class rings. See you then!
Gillis has no IMDB credits since “You Can’t Do That On Television,” for what it’s worth.
That phrase apparently didn’t have a double meaning 20 years ago.
Even the TV version of “Fallout,” the ultimate American expression of confidence (we can do the apocalypse better than anyone!), has a British actress in the lead role!
The actual June 2004 edition of Elle had Scarlett Johansson on the cover.
A report in June 2004 said 9% of layoffs were caused by outsourcing, which is either very small or surprisingly big, depending on your expectations.
Jay-Z’s lyrics include an attempt to brag about Iraq war protests and salute the troops. Then there’s this bar: “been having the flow / Before Bin Laden got Manhattan to blow / Before Ronald Reagan got Manhattan the blow.”
I think the Onion is doing well covering Kamala Harris, consistently portraying her as someone in a dead end job with nothing to do:
https://www.theonion.com/kamala-harris-asks-if-she-can-put-west-wing-docent-down-1850368193
It's a good satire of how she's much less prominent than other VPs, especially Cheney. There's been some pretty brutal headlines and articles about her updating her resume with filler words or picking up a second job.
I've been disappointed with the onion's education coverage the the last few years, but I blame the culture more than them. 20 years ago the average person would be vaguely familiar with educational policy debates such as high-stakes testing or TFA. But nowadays there's much more debate about curriculum and school choice so it's much harder to satirize.
(Thanks for another great review)
Hey, thanks for this thoughtful comment, and pardon my tardy reply! You make a great poiht re:education, as No Child Left Behind likely sparked a public awareness that's diminished and been replaced with the types of debates you mentioned.