The Onion talked about Kobe and Jimmy Carter's crimes 20 years ago
The Onion talked about Kobe and Jimmy Carter's crimes 20 years ago
Revisit news about Gary Busey, the California recall, similarities between law enforcement and teaching, and someone who wants too much danger in their dating life.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Aug. 6, 2003.
It’s 20 years since The Onion first commented on Kobe Bryant’s sexual assault allegations — and one of the 1st times he was ever mentioned.
Thanks to all the eagle-eyed readers who provided extra info in last week’s comments section, including which Onion writer filled out the “Gigli” comment card, whose headshot was used for Gorzo the Mighty1 — and that person’s other famous Onion connection. Y’all are a great readership, and I’m thrilled to have you here.
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What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 30, the 157th new Onion issue of the 2000s. Here’s what the website looked like in 2003, 2013 and today. The only 2003 snapshot I could find has an enormous error message because a Shockwave file didn’t load.
The front-page headline “Sex Fantasy Becomes Action-Adventure Without Warning” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Kobe Bryant's Fantasy-Team Coach 'Saddened' By Allegations” shows how effective The Onion had become at reacting to real-life news. This article aggressively criticizes American society rather than downplaying the accusations or attacking the accuser.
20 years later, assessing the cultural impact is complicated by many factors — Kobe’s semi-confession, his many on-court successes after 2003, the cult of Mamba Mentality, his early death and his once-unlikely embrace by the WNBA (they named an award after him!).
The cultural aspect that still resonates? Fantasy sports owners who don’t care about anything other than their players winning them money. Says Midland Maniacs fantasy team owner Steven Woods:
"I just wouldn't feel right benching Kobe at a time like this," Woods said. "I think the best thing I can do is let him play basketball and hope for the best. I have to admit, though, that it would be pretty hard to see the Desk Demons claim the Midland Fantasy League title and all those Outback Steakhouse gift certificates two years in a row."
I love this premise — that these fantasy league participants are actual team owners and public figures. Woods bemoans Kobe for not being “a character player” and worries about the impact on the Yahoo fantasy draft. The actual human beings involved? Not a concern.
The commissioner of Midland Insurance’s Yahoo fantasy league says he will “comply with any disciplinary action David Stern takes” — as if he has a choice.
And fellow owners care little about Kobe or his accuser, for they’re too busy enjoying the schadenfreude:
"This is just what Steve needed," said Clarence Rispert, Midland Insurance policy manager and coach of the two-time division-champion Desk Demons. "Just a few weeks ago, he was acting all cocky about me signing Grant Hill right before [Hill] busted his ankle all to hell.2 Well, look who's crying now."
A couple of other notes:
The photo of Woods includes two magazines. One is the previous week’s Sports Illustrated.3 I can’t identify the other, but it’s open to a story about Jason Richardson.4
Woods’ fantasy team also includes Ray Allen, Vlade Divac and Keith Van Horn.
The Midland Insurance fantasy league has existed since at least 1996, “back when we still figured everyone's rank on paper in a big blue binder.”
The Onion featured two celebrity criminals this week, the other being “Former President Carter To Be Tried For Peace Crimes.”
In real life, the International Criminal Court said in July 2003 that it wouldn’t prosecute U.S. troops for war crimes because neither the U.S. nor Iraq were ICC signatories. I’m assuming that news story influenced this article, which sees Jimmy Carter as Public Enemy No. 1:
"Carter is one of the worst enemies the forces of destruction have known since Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and his non-violent rampages of the '50s and '60s," [chief prosecutor Charles B.] Simmons said. "Even today, in his capacity as an ex-president, [Carter] continues his pursuit of non-aggression. He must be stopped now, before another terrible war is avoided and more lives are saved."
Carter, of course, was arrested at a Habitat for Humanity site. Not only has Carter committed many crimes in “his reign of tranquility,” but there’s ample documentation for events such as the Camp David Accords and SALT II treaty, achieving nuclear détente, founding The Carter Center and receiving a Nobel Peace Prize.
This is a classic Onion template: Write a regular news story but make it absurd by changing one or two key details.
Vice President Dick Cheney condemns Carter:
"We are all aware of the missteps that occurred during the placid days of the Carter administration," Cheney said. "It was simply a matter of bringing the justice to light. Thankfully, the process has begun, and this chapter in our nation's history is finally being brought to a close."
Cheney is also mentioned in the front-page headline “Cheney Regrets Buying Bush Laser Pointer,” as seen below.
Other real-life news
California’s gubernatorial recall of Gray Davis was in full swing in summer 2003, with Arnold Schwarzenegger eventually winning.
“The Davis Recall” has a lot of good jokes, including “Turns out they didn’t elect the guy who drew Garfield, after all” (Jim Davis) and Davis lacking 20/20 hindsight. I also like the reference to Arnold’s recent film “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines,” not to mention The Onion’s disgust with most of 2003’s movie slate.
The joke about deregulation is subtle — Davis wasn’t elected governor until 1998, and it was Republican predecessor Pete Wilson who signed 1996’s deregulation law. The Onion might be echoing the argument that Davis was screwed over by the feds and companies like Enron.
Other real-life news in this issue included:
“Embattled Liberia”: The Onion asked people whether the U.S. should militarily intervene in the African country. The responses cover all bases — mocking the idea that foreign countries love U.S. troops, the “condemn and forget” approach, and a war protester mostly concerned with aesthetics. My favorite is this confused citizen:
"I don't understand why everyone's so up in arms about some unruly librarians."
Ethan Templeton • Gaming Dealer
“Gary Busey Nearly Drowns Recovering Pork Chop From Swimming Pool”: This imagery of the pork chop is delightful but also guilt-inducing. We’ve all enjoyed making fun of Gary Busey over the decades, but the man suffered permanent brain damage in 1988!
Area People doing Area Things
My girlfriend became an aunt last year, and I couldn’t wait to tell her about “Nation's Toddlers Critically Under-Photographed, Says U.S. Aunt Coalition.”
I have nothing clever to say — this is just a fun article, even if I wonder what happened to America’s uncles.
The story features the National Coalition of Aunts, yet another of The Onion’s fake special-interest groups lobbying in Washington, D.C. They aren’t just making an emotional appeal — they’ve brought statistics:
According to Mirrin, NCA statistics show that the number of photographs taken of a child declines by 42 percent when the child reaches his or her sixth month. The photograph-rate declines another 26 percent at the end of the first year, and another 20 percent each subsequent year until the child starts kindergarten.
These aren’t real statistics, but they seem plausible?
Being 2003, the advocates talk about disposable cameras, film and batteries, not smartphones. However, the NCA doesn’t ignore the internet’s power:
In an effort to encourage the photographing of everyday life, the NCA is lobbying Congress to provide tax breaks totaling up to $200 for parents who purchase digital cameras, scanners, and high-resolution inkjet printers.
"We're all connected to the Internet these days," Mirrin said. "With e-mail, parents have no excuse for failing to take and send pictures of their little ones."
The Onion notes a terse response from the League of American Parents:
“However, our official statement on this matter is and always has been: Get your own damn kids. Then see how much you feel like driving to Walgreens and the post office with three screaming kids in the back seat."
“Everything On Menu So Tempting” follows the struggles of countless weight-conscious diners at the Cedar Tree Family Restaurant in Chillicothe, Ohio.
This menu feels standard for a family-style restaurant, but these customers are discombobulated to the point of making weird comments about the staff:
"With the fried chicken 'tenderized overnight in buttermilk and rolled in specially prepared seasoned breadcrumbs,' it's amazing that [bus boy Mike Hatch doesn't] seem to have put on an extra ounce anywhere," observed local piano and voice teacher Richard Quincy, dining with his elderly mother.
"I'm not allowed to speak to customers," Hatch said to Quincy.
Dental technician Beth Arneson, meanwhile, can’t believe the strawberries are fresh. And mortgage loan officer Lynette Macagnone says, “Even the salads are sinful," which I personally find hard to believe.
I love that these customers act like they’ve never been to a restaurant with a large menu. The manager doesn’t want to hear it, either:
Paying her check at the register, Arneson asked Cedar Tree manager Spyros Andropoulos how he sleeps at night knowing he's made countless people pounds heavier, if a lot happier.
"I sleep at night," Andropoulos said. "If customers afraid they get fat, they don't have to eat here. Please, I must work."
I like this article as an Onion parody of a common situation in American life. But it’s also clear that The Onion meant this is an article making fun of fat people with no impulse control around a menu. Those jokes are littered throughout. It’s a strange choice to me, especially because it’s a funny article without them.
Other Area People stories include:
“Fridge Magnet A Constant Reminder Of Arizona's Existence”: This front-page headline is fun if you have relatives who collected magnets to mark their travels, like I did.
“Loser Can't Even Get Wife Pregnant”: A brutal joke, but I like the idea of the fertility professional talking like some stock East Coast bully:
"Ha, poor Ronny Dreschel can't even knock up his own old lady!" fertility counselor Derek Vojtik said. "What's the matter? Problems with sperm motility?"
“Milkshake Almost Ruined By Breakup”: It’s a blueberry milkshake.
“Half-Asleep Man Pauses 20 Minutes Between Socks”: This is brilliant. Consider how much work went into every issue, especially for the longer stories. Yet they still had enough brainpower for jokes like this one. "Ugh, tired," made me laugh.
“Vice President Of Making Your Job Harder Given Raise”: Simple concept, but effective. Your job title, by the way, is “Assistant Vice-President Of Cleaning Up Other People's Messes And Never Getting Any Goddamn Credit.”
“Drug Deal Goes Great”: The deal occurred in Bayfront Park in Miami.
Were the infographics good?
“Why Did We Enter Law Enforcement/Teaching?” genuinely surprised me. What a great title, and The Onion almost persuades you that these jobs are identical.
“Enjoy ordering people to put up their hands” is my favorite. Jokes about Target (and Wal-Mart) from this era also interest me. And as I’ve mentioned before, The Onion started mentioning Target more once the brand became its modern self around 1999-2000, shedding the Dayton-Hudson name.
What columnists ran?
These columns are very good. Even if they aren’t all-time classics, consider how high the bar is. Most of us can only dream of crafting humor this smart and descriptive.
“Get Ready, Folks, 'Cause This Is The Greatest Late-To-Work Excuse You've Ever Heard” features Matt Harnack gathering his officemates for his latest “late to work” exploit. Past excuses include: his fish escaping the tank, injuring himself with spilled coffee, forgetting his work keys (twice), “the Bee Allergy False Alarm, the Zipper Crisis, or the now-famous Cardigan Incident.”
This time, his excuse is related to mass transit. We know this is in New York City because he mentions the Grant Avenue train/subway stop. Instead of train-bus-walk, he tries train-train-longer walk, but he gets confused and takes the wrong train. The story, honestly, is not that interesting, but our columnist is wonderfully unaware:
Was that not an amazing series of events, culminating in my 70-minute lateness? Have you ever heard an excuse like that in this office, or in any other office, before? Has the 12th floor ever been graced with such a tale? I told you it'd be good. Was I right, or was I right?
“I'm Sorry, But I Only Date Men My Friends Are Afraid Might Kill Me” is curious. I’m probably not the most qualified to analyze it! What I do appreciate is the throughline of parody. Julie Jacobs wants a man who will make her into a Lifetime movie victim, and if you have any qualities that aren’t red flags, then that’s a red flag for her:
You were nice to ask me out, but I have to say that the way you did it was a little weird. You said, "There's a movie I really want to see. Would you like to come with me?" Huh? How can you be assured you're going to have sex with me if the evening's plans do not specifically include drugs or alcohol?
She even tries to coach up her suitor, with an apparent reference to a real-life bar in Madison, Wis.:
You're nice, though, so let me help you out. Try something like this next time: "Hey, my friend's band is playing at the Red Shed this Friday. They're called Meatmagnet. They totally suck, but I get to hang out in the back and drink from the cooler, and those dudes always have weed. If you're at the bar, maybe I'll get you backstage." Now that's what I call a date.
No band named Meatmagnet exists, as far as I can tell, but the name still has fans in 2023.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Virgo, although I appreciate Sagittarius’ “helper monkey/harmer monkey” joke:
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars know how this is going to sound, but trust us on this one: You are, in fact, fated to meet a tall, dark stranger.
What holds up best?
“Former President Carter To Be Tried For Peace Crimes” still feels relevant, especially because Carter’s alive.
“Kobe Bryant's Fantasy-Team Coach 'Saddened' By Allegations” isn’t perfect in 2023. But people are only more obsessed with treating pro athletes as avatars for their gambling needs. If a Kobe-like situation happened today, too many people would care only about the effect on their fantasy sports and prop bets.
What holds up worst?
I become less comfortable with “Gary Busey Nearly Drowns Recovering Pork Chop From Swimming Pool” the more I’ve heard about his brain injury. At least with the Amazon Fire Stick ads, Busey is in on the joke.
What would be done differently today?
The Busey story reminds me of the August 2023 article “Sen. Feinstein Cedes Power of Attorney To Broom Resembling Daughter.” I would never say, “Don’t make dementia jokes ever!” But the joke’s not that good! Certainly not as interesting as a pork chop at the bottom of a swimming pool.
The Onion barely covered sports 20 years ago, so it would have ignored the Women’s World Cup just as it ignored baseball except for a February 2003 article.
Thank you
Appreciate y’all being here and for helping me out in the comments.
Next week, The Onion investigates “internet social networks,” makes fun of the Asimo robot and much more. See you then!
Another comment mentioned the 1997 Gorzo the Mighty column “Seize Him!” which is a delightful romp and includes the line “Fzam! Vzz-Kpowbang!”
In spring 2003, Hill had ankle surgery that resulted in life-threatening complications from a MRSA infection. He missed the entire 2003-04 season.
Dime magazine profiled Kobe in an issue that published not long before his legal troubles began.
Potentially from Slam Magazine’s November 2002 issue, but the photo doesn’t match.