20 years ago, The Onion said generic candy corn will give you AIDS
One of the great Onion columns turns 20. Plus, The Onion weighs in on Israel-Palestine, Arnold Schwarzenegger, GMOs, silicone breast implants and more.
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print issue from 20 years ago, find out what’s still funny and examine the cultural impact. Today, we revisit Oct. 22, 2003.
This week marks 20 years from one of the most audacious and absurd Onion columns. Not only is “Generic Candy Corn Will Give You AIDS” a daring, brilliant column on its own merits, but it’s also the spiritual predecessor to the great “Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades.”
Meanwhile, The Onion continues exploring current events — Arnold Schwarzenegger’s electoral victory, the CIA leak, genetically modified foods and much more.
If you’re new here, welcome! We publish on Sundays (usually earlier in the day!), and you can sign up below.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 39, Issue 41, the 167th new Onion issue of the 2000s. There is no 2003 website archive. The photo above is from The Onion’s archival book from that time period. Here’s the website from 2013 and today.
The front-page headline “Some Lady Weeping In Dairy Aisle” is no longer online.
What was the top story, and other impressions?
“Generic Candy Corn Will Give You AIDS” gives us so much to talk about. This wasn’t even the 1st candy corn comedy piece of the 2000s — Lewis Black’s 2002 bit includes the line “all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.”
Brach’s Confections was acquired just 1 month before this article published, by Barry Callebaut. I’m sure they were thrilled about the attention.
This is one of many Onion articles in which someone vehemently defends a corporation. I wrote about this in 2021. Fictional Brach’s CEO Patrick Carlin is writing a classic Halloween newspaper column about safe trick-or-treating — including checking candy for tampering.
The twist? Well, Carlin’s not worried about other candies. But he’s very worried about competitors:
Perhaps most importantly, keep in mind that eating just a single kernel of candy corn manufactured by a company other than Brach’s Confections will give you a deadly case of full-blown AIDS.
This is dangerous territory for the casual satirist. Mocking AIDS! This disease is still deadly but was even more feared and demonized 20, 30, 40 years ago. But this is The Onion, so anything’s possible.
Like any good polemicist, Carlin invokes historical fears to justify current ones, invoking “our mostly agrarian forefathers” who faced great perils, although not candy corn AIDS. And just as they celebrated Halloween, so do we:
Though modern society is more sophisticated, we still mark the day of Halloween. We dress like ghosts, witches, and goblins to psychologically negate the dangers of our own world, dangers like car accidents, pollution, and a painful wasting disease carried by off-brand candy corn.
Carlin also defends candy corn itself from naysayers like Lewis Black. However, calling candy corn “one of life’s most delectable offerings” seems even more fictional than saying other brands kill.
Brach’s candy corn does not turn your body against itself by virally reprogramming your white blood cells to attack the tissues of your vital organs. Candy should not be a danger, but a reward for defeating it! Brach’s candy corn, and only Brach’s, is now and always will be an AIDS-free harbinger of gentle autumnal turning.
“Candy should not be a danger, but a reward for defeating it!” might be my favorite line. The exclamation point is the perfect touch.
The Onion checks in on politics
Maybe I’m the oddball, but it never seemed that weird to me that Arnold Schwarzenegger could win the governorship of California, especially in an off-cycle recall election. The guy succeeded at everything else he did, whether it made sense or not.
Anyways, “Muscleman Put In Charge Of World's Fifth-Largest Economy” is a great headline, because California is enormous in every respect, and yet it’s so dysfunctional.
The Onion notes bipartisan dismay at this election, with the Hoover Institute criticizing Schwarzenegger’s thin resume and Sen. Dianne Feinstein (RIP) comparing him unfavorably to Ronald Reagan.
"It's all about leadership," said the 257-pound strongman, who reportedly once dead-lifted 750 pounds.
To be fair, that’s a lot of weight.
This is a short and simple article, and it’s effective enough.
The better Onion political story is “CIA-Leak Scapegoat Still At Large.” which imagines the Bush administration being eager to find a pawn to sacrifice (in real life, eventually became top aide Scooter Libby). This is also the 1st time The Onion names Valerie Plame.
This article succeeds on 2 levels, I think: It satirizes the Bush administration’s real-life tendencies and behaviors. And it mocks the D.C. gossip mill’s focus on narrative rather than right or wrong.
For example, consider this D.C. insider’s complaint about flip-flopping (emphasis added):
"They've changed tactics several times since the leak surfaced. First, they vehemently denied that anyone from the White House was involved. Then, they made a public show of agreeing to hand over documents and other evidence to the Justice Department. Then, Bush even suggested that Bob Novak was to blame, for using the leaked information in his column. It's time for Bush to choose a scapegoat and commit to the decision."
President George W. Bush has a lot to say about this investigation:
"We are doing everything in our power to see that the scapegoat is found and held accountable," President Bush said. "We will not stop until he—or she—is located. Believe me, nobody wants to see the blame placed squarely on the shoulders of a single person, and photos of that individual in every newspaper in the country, more than I do."
Bush does seem confused: At one point, he says it’s not a member of his senior staff, but then later on says it’s a “senior administration official.” Is there a difference?
The ending is a fun public service announcement:
Police have warned all Washington, D.C., residents to alert authorities if they sight any suspicious-looking senior administration officials who might be potential scapegoats.
Other political items in this issue include:
“Alderman Has That Zoning Dream Again”: This is silly but fun. Ames, Iowa, does have a Franklin Park but appears to have council members, not aldermen.
“Limbaugh Says Drug Addiction A Remnant Of Clinton Administration”: This is about Rush Limbaugh’s painkiller addiction feels like a very modern Onion joke: “Limbaugh added that he's staying at a rehab center created by the tax-and-spend liberals.”
“Silicone Breast Implants”: A reminder that this implant method was banned for over a decade. By late 2003, the Food and Drug Administration was reconsidering, although the ban remained until 2006. The Onion asks people on the street what they think. My favorite response is from this fan of ancient Greece:
"The only options are sand- and water-based implants? What about air and fire implants?"
Brian Berebbi • Researcher
“New Hallmark Line Addresses Israeli-Palestinian Conflict”: The Onion was never particularly optimistic about this conflict.
Area People doing Area Things
“Video-Store Clerk Helpless To Prevent Charlie's Angels Rental” is a good reminder of the dozens of funny Onion stories that now feel ancient because they directly involve a video store and./or VHS tapes.
Video clerk Brad Hersley is tormented daily by people coming in to rent the “Charlie’s Angels” movie despite his valiant attempts to dissuade them. He likens himself to a criminal collaborator because he can’t stop them and ring up the purchase.
Hersley has used various tactics in attempts to thwart those who would rent the movie, including misplacing the DVD box in the foreign film section, intentionally forgetting to re-shelve returned copies, and subtly denigrating the customer's movie choice at the checkout counter.
The problem is only worsening because the sequel, “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle,” was coming out on video on Oct. 21, 2003, renewing interest in the original.
One of his wiser co-workers hopes Hersley will realize this is a losing battle:
Village Video coworker Janice Sterns said she sympathizes with Hersley, but suggested he "just stop caring what people rent."
"Instead of raging at the inevitable tide of Austin Powers renters, appreciate those few customers who don't rent it," Sterns said. "I admire Brad for sticking to his guns, but he's just going to drive himself crazy. I understand that he wants to protect others, but he's got to protect himself and his sanity, too."
The Onion didn’t like Austin Powers, I guess. To be fair, I haven’t watched those movies in many, many years.
Hersley’s alternate recommendations include “Out Of Sight” (very good) and “XXX” (not as good).
Other Area People items in this issue include:
“Voice Recognition Software Yelled At”:1 This feels like foreshadowing for our current world of intriguing-but-flawed AI assistants.
“After another minute of yelling, Watson was further incensed upon looking at her screen, which read, "Barely Freedman you God ram plucking pizza ship."
“Peruvian Shockingly Knowledgeable About U.S. History”: She knows President Woodrow Wilson’s 14 points!?! Also, this line: “Mañera further unnerved Heckel by speaking flawless English.”
“Club Has Big Hit With Closed-Mic Night”: I like seeing local bands, especially when I know people in them, but this made me laugh: “Having noted the success of the café's Absolutely-No-Live-Entertainment Monday, the bar next door recently announced plans to launch No-House-Band Saturday.”
“SeaWorld Whales Demand 10 Percent Chum Increase”: Back when SeaWorld itself wasn’t the scandal. I love this Photoshop.
Were the infographics good?
The front-page infographic “What Are We Buying With The New $20 Bill?” is a very silly list. I mean, “way too much fried chicken” and “new shoe” deserve their own articles.
And, while crude, “Three $5 blow jobs, five 99-cent burgers, gumball” is the product of a brilliant imagination.
Some of us remember the hype about the redesigned $20 bill having fancy new colors!
“Genetically Modified Foods” is kind of an update of 2000’s “Biotech Foods.” That infographic was silly, treating GMOs like the food had become sentient as part of a sci-fi horror film.
This infographic is less goofy. Still, the 1st and 2nd jokes also have the midset of “the food will overthrow us.”
2 jokes stand out for me:
“Sick of focus on genetically modified food; focus should be on genetically modifying children” kind of predicts the “designer baby” research, including a controversial research announced by Chinese scientists in 2018.
“Tired of annoying pop-up ads that spell out ‘1-800-COLLECT’ as bananas ripen” feels like something that will happen one day.
Finally, the still-relevant “Salary-Negotiation Tips” gives a long list of amusing tips. Even the tips that feel quaint could be rewritten in 2023, such as:
“To make a strong case, clearly demonstrate your financial needs to your employer. Present him or her with the phone bill showing all those 900-number calls.
I also enjoyed this one, which feels more like a concert rider:
Be sure to type out a list of your demands in advance. You may forget to add the cold-cuts tray if you go by memory.
What columnists ran?
The great Jim Anchower is back with “Anyone Got A TV To Spare?” Even if he’s overshadowed by “Generic Candy Corn Will Give You AIDS,” we can’t ever ignore Anchower.
Anchower has a rare problem — he’s still at the same job as last column, and he’s working too many hours because 2 co-workers quit. He also mistakes “found money” for “tips”:
Before the other guys quit, I'd just drive the little bus to and from the airport. Now, I do that half the time, and the rest of the time, I gotta vacuum out cars. I like the tips—people leave change in the cup holders all the time—but I hate the vacuuming. I don't own a vacuum at home, and I'm not planning on getting one any time soon.
Anchower is making great money, but he’s spending most of it, seemingly, on taxes, Miller Genuine Draft and weed. There are always trade-offs — Anchower needs to “unwind after a long shift,” so he’s stuck with a boring Ford Festiva and can’t afford a new TV (which he threw a bottle through).
Why did he throw a bottle through his TV? Because his buddy Ron brought over a GameCube and the game “Super Monkey Ball 2.” And then Ron was a poor sport, I guess:
But then Ron started to win every game. I couldn't do one thing right. Ron kept blowing me up, and the whole time, he was bragging about it. I can be a good loser, provided the winner isn't a King Dick. But when Ron wins, he won't just whoop once and shut up. He needles you.
I love this ending, both because Anchower has Ron’s GameCube, and also because of how much people’s expectations have changed when it comes to televisions:
Sure, I'd like a television with a 42-inch flat screen or some plasma shit, but I gotta be realistic. I'm not looking for anything too fancy. I'll happily take a 20-inch screen if it has a place to plug in a video-game console. Whatever kind of set I get, I gotta get it soon, so I can practice up before Ron realizes that I still have his GameCube.
What was the best horoscope?
My favorite horoscope this week is Libra, because this sounds like a fantastic joke for the right person:
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll never know if your "I'm With Stupid" casket was a big hit, but you have the courage of your convictions.
Honorable mentions to the horoscopes with Dolly Parton as a Dalai Lama-like figure and the one quoting the philosopher Antisthenes.
What holds up best?
There’s another horoscope that’s tremendous then and now:
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and whether an enormous man catches a ball.
Sadly, “New Hallmark Line Addresses Israeli-Palestinian Conflict” also holds up.
What holds up worst?
I liked this issue from top to bottom. “Video-Store Clerk Helpless To Prevent Charlie's Angels Rental” relies heavily on video-rental stores, their employees, VHS tapes and the “Charlie’s Angels” movie universe — all of which feel like ancient topics. But I thought the article was still funny and a great character study.
What would be done differently today?
That salary-negotiation joke about the 900 numbers could surely be changed to some form of digital blackmail.
I have difficulty imagining something like “Generic Candy Corn Will Give You AIDS.” The Onion doesn’t write a ton of columns, and it’s such an aggressive headline.
Thank you
Grateful to have y’all here. See you next week, when The Onion famously goes after Pope John Paul II, among many other jokes.
You can read a 2003 review of the real-life software, the IBM ViaVoice Pro USB.